Two years on....

This weekend marks the two year anniversary of some of the biggest changes of my life - the weekend I sold my beloved home in Abbotsford. Despite the somber occasion and feelings of sadness this was due to bring I decided to get out and spend as much of the weekend as possible with good friends, especially those who have stuck by me like glue in my darkest and most painful times when I simply could not see my way forward. I have had the time of my life - something I never would have thought possible on this weekend even some months ago. When I take myself back to the place I was at the time I sold my house I can not even recognise the person I see in those memories. I was completely and utterly in love and dedicated to being a good partner to the ex, we were (I thought) happy, we were planning a future together, we were planning a family and I thought it was never going to be possible to be that happy again - in a life that has been so far from happy I really believed that this was it, it was my time to shine and I felt like I just spent the whole time smiling. Sadly, none of this was to be. The past two years have been so painful, so hurtful and smiling is something I had completely forgotten to do. I was angry with myself for believing and trusting him and for loving him and angry that I didn't know that none of this was what he wanted. I was angry at him for making me think it was and for all the suffering and lying and pain - but all of that is now completely gone. I am actually now able to reflect back, and, whilst I think the relationship, selling of the house and trusting, all those things were a terrible mistake - I am no longer unhappy with where I am in life, not that I feel great about my career or my financial or relationship position - but I am able to look back now and see that facing all those hideous challenges has made me the person I am and for the first time in my life I am not unhappy about who that person is. Facing my fear of being insecure about having somewhere to life and owning my own home (something I will never be able to do again) has enabled me to finally travel a bit, something I was always too scared to do because I wanted to put everything I had in securing a home for myself. But travel was life changing and more fun than I could ever have hoped for and I can't wait and will be soon doing more. I have developed and appreciation and am grateful for what I do have now, both materially and emotionally. I am a happier person now that I have less material "wealth", I don't crave it anymore, I don't seek it at all and I no longer use it to define achievements, success or me in anyway as a person. I enjoy the relationships and friendships I have with my friends and my family (in particular my father) more now than I ever have before, and find walking in the park with my dad watching our dogs play with other dogs and the strange way they make friends and the chats we have as enjoyable as I once found a wild night on the tear - although I still enjoy these as well!! Feeling good about myself doesn't have to come now from buying a new pair of shoes, or a dress - it comes from helping an old man use the hideously stupid "self-service checkouts" in the supermarket, or talking to an old lady on the street for 5 minutes about what a great companion her dog is to her. Its these things that have truly changed my life, I have slowed down my pace and started to smile because its been a great day - not because I got in early at a great sale! Having my first experience of being in love (even though it was much later in life than I expected, and extremely unlikely to every happen for me again) was actually something I am glad I have experienced, even though it resulted in my heart being shattered in a way I will never find words to describe, because it has made me a better person, a better and more understanding friend, especially when friends of mine now talk to me about their own relationships and troubles they may be having. I know I am able to shed more light than before on relationships, on love, on compromise and even on the basic principles of respect for others. I know I now judge other peoples relationships far less, and when I am making judgements they are now really far better described as "fair assessments" - and I am glad about that. As for the ex - I can only say that I will always care about him and care what happens to him, he was a very good and fun friend to have for many years before we became a couple and I wish him well - even if he doesn't feel that was about me. My own behaviour during the slow and stupid breakdown of my relationship is something I will forever regret. There were reasons, very understandable ones, for my poor behaviour, but I know I was always honest, I tried to behave from a platform of dignity, forgiveness and understanding, and whilst I would do EVERYTHING completely differently if it were to be done all over again (god forbid!) I have developed a better understanding of myself and would never reduce myself in the way that I did during that time. Regret about my situation and my relationship is something I feared most, I now do not regret what has taken place, I do not regret that I did not try to provide more than enough opportunities for things to be fixed, for bridges to be mended and for forgiveness to take place. I sleep well knowing I did everything I could to make it work. I don't regret the person I turned out to be because of what were some bad choices and mistakes - I think that is all I can hope to achieve.

To be happy

As the end of the year draws close it is always a time to reflect back upon what has taken place throughout the past year, reflecting on those thoughts, hopes, dreams, expectations and goals set at the same time a year ago. I am inclined to think that this happens to me at this time of the year even more so than others because my birthday falls so close to Christmas and the new year so I tend to feel this as if it is a milestone in terms of my age as well as the calendar year. Given that I have always been someone who hates, loathes and detests my birthday on a number of levels and for reasons which have changed over the years, but have now become more about my resentment of the aging process - it is always a reflective and somewhat emotional time when I feel I am looking back at the losses and most importantly the goals I have not achieved. Once again Christmas this year represents time of immense sadness for me. I feel empty, lost, lonely and feeling like I am always looking at strangers and wishing I was them......far more than I normally do....the reasons for this become well defined during the festive season; what I could have had and have failed to make possible in my life.....what others have that I wish I had....not in a material way but certainly in an emotional way, the lack of love in my life, not just from a romantic partner but also from family and the lack of them in my life, including to a large extent children, not having them, knowing I will never have them and just not being in the company of anyone in my family who has them - the innocence and happiness of children at Christmas can make it a very special time and the lack of this at this time of year becomes more pronounced, at least this is the way it feels for me.I spend time thinking about the years where my Nan and Ted were alive and we had a Christmas celebration at their house, despite the family arguments and the stress and feeling as though I could snap at any time and kill or seriously maim certain members of my family from time to time, I reflect back and know how lucky I was to have those experiences. I also reflect on the sadness of my sister not being there to enjoy these family events, she would always only spend half a day with us and after she left my dad and I would often cry. For both of us it was as if there was all of a sudden a hole that couldn't be filled, even if we tried our best to fill it with large amounts of booze and trying to be glad that we had her for at least a few hours. We always got each other through those days by promising each other that we would make next year really great and that it would be far better than the year before, we were optimistic, or at least trying to be. Now we don't see her at all for Christmas and despite the fact that her absence has been apparent for 20 years on that day now, the pain of her not being there seems as fresh as it was on the first Christmas she had to leave when her mother rung the door bell.I had hoped that by this stage in my life I would have something else to fill the gap, perhaps a partner, some children of my own, or at least working towards this,or something that resembled a life that I was happy with, but not having anything close to this and knowing that its just "me and dad" from here on out makes me wish they would stop celebrating Christmas because each year that passes it becomes more painful, especially knowing that at one stage it will be just me. Not having my own home anymore after working so hard to get it also raises some sad issues for me at this time. My home was my castle, so important to me because we don't have a "family home" since my grandparents died. A place that was safe, always there, always familiar, the smells the windows broken by wayward cricket balls during serious backyard cricket matches in years gone by. When the ex and I had Christmas at our house a few years back, at the end of the day he said 'this was the best Christmas ever, I want to have it at our house every year' - nobody could ever have moved me out of my home or made me sell it but when he said that, my mind was made up, I had to sell it - I wanted that happy moment to last more than anything else, I wanted our house to be the new family base, the home people wanted to be at, the place I wanted to have my family in, to hold Christmases and birthdays and to fill with happiness, as I remember my grandparents home being. My dad being sad at Christmas is something that fills me with guilt and shame. I wish I could have delivered him a better and happier situation, especially around this time of year. He has never been someone who pressured or asked about grandchildren, he doesn't even do that now, but now that all of his friends are spending Christmas with their grown up children, in their homes with their grandchildren, and having him tell me what others are doing, with a look of sadness about him, I feel disappointed with myself that I have let him down, not just because of the lack of children but because he feels responsible for my unhappiness, my broken relationships and my inability to ever have any of this. I wish, after all the effort he put in to raising me on his own that I was able to reward him with some happy twilight years.People often ask or seem dismissive when I refer to the fact that I will not have another relationship or children, they say 'you are still young enough' bla bla bla - perhaps so, but at this age when you are single the decision to get into a relationship and have those things really needs to be an aggressive one, making a decision to find someone, to actively seek them out is not a matter of sitting back and waiting for them to knock on the door. When you have made a decision NOT to not have another romantic relationship in your life, and NOT to enter into a relationship it becomes even harder. But not accepting it, as discussed in previous entries is simply a path to misery as well, neither option is easy.My decision to turn my back on these things as I have discussed in previous entries is a complex one. But above all else by ability to trust another human being has been completely eradicated. I think once trust is broken to the extent that it was in my case it is not possible to rebuild it, either with that person or with anyone else. Betrayal of trust and hurt that is deliberately manufactured with the intent to break you by a person who claimed to and was meant love you - which was the case in my situation - is soul shattering and destroying on so many levels and not something that can be forgotten.Other than that, the concept of the options available for someone of my age, being such things as speed dating (which I have done before some years ago and found it to be more nauseating than cutting up smelly animal organs in science class in year 8 at high school) or the online options, the most common of which being RSVP (once again, have made a mild attempt over the years, but have found shopping for groceries online to be more engaging and exciting, not to mention the fact the Coles online has far more items that seem to be more interesting and less "used" items than these sites) in short are horrible and despite other peoples stories about how happy they have become since finding the "love of their life" or their friend or their friend of a friend has become so happy since meeting with their partner/husband/wife and they have a wonderful relationship and great children and a great life through finding someone using this method, the simple fact is that it is just not for me. I may be old fashioned, in fact I know I am, but to me the organic method of meeting someone in a "normal" social setting is the way it is meant to be, and for someone of my age, accepting that this is not going to happen and that I have squandered my opportunities, especially those I had with brilliant and loving men such as my ex-husband, and the fact that I have allowed myself to be financially ruied by the men (the last one particular) and as such have very little if anything to offer anyone who might be sane, sober and seeking - well, it would be fair to say that I would be very far down the list of options.....This year past, like so many before, I have had too much meaningless sex with far too many men, I think the main difference this year that I noticed in particular is that they are older, they may have more experience but they also have more "baggage", they are more complicated, they want a relationship and they want "all that stuff" but they, like me, have been hurt too badly too many times and they have "issues" they never sorted out from their childhood, or something else they have experienced that has made them incapable or communicating, incapable of relating and certainly incapable of having anything the resembles a relationship, certainly the type of relationship I would be interested in having if I was to ever consider it again. These encounters are often sexually satisfying but unlike they were in my 20's they now produce an aftermath of self loathing, a reminder of loneliness and do little more than make me feel worthless.At the beginning of this year (or now last year, 2011) I also lost my friend, my rock, my reliable and true mate. When he left us I thought I might just die as well, although this may sound slightly over-dramatic, I can honestly say that I have no idea what I would have done and how I would have possibly survived the year before. However, despite the sadness, the loss, the despair and the wondering each and every single day why I bothered getting out of bed, because I can quite honestly say that there was not one day of 2011 that I even slightly enjoyed. There was not one day that I smiled and meant it, or laughed and felt like it was not completely forced, despite all of this, I got through the year. David may have destroyed my life on every conceivable level, he was in my life, my love and I wanted nothing more than to dedicate myself to making him happy every single minute of my eistance - and in 2011 I wanted him back even though during times of clarity (when I realised that he doesn't deserve so much as a "hello" from me, let alone my dedication, honesty and undying love) I said, and felt that I didn't want him back, next year (2012) will be different, because I need to make sure things are different.I spoke to my dad on New Years Eve. We discussed our hopes and dreams for the new year, and I reminded him of our pledge to always 'make next year better than the last, that next year we WOULD be happy', I told him that this had been my new years resolution for every year since back in those days. I told him that this year my feelings were different. This year, I told him, I no longer hope for a better year, I no longer dream of happiness or happy endings. This year I just feel like getting by will be enough. I told him that I have given up on believing that happiness is attainable. I told him that being happy or event content is a dream I need to let go of and just work with acceptance of my circumstances and my life the way it is. My dad cried. I was not wanting him to hurt, but I explained to him that we need to stop telling ourselves that "this will be our year" and that things will get better, because the disappointment at the end of the year and the sadness this creates for both of us is too heartbreaking, we have been telling each other this for too many years for us to keep believing that it is going to happen. I hate that I hurt him, I hate that he knows I was speaking the truth and making him face this, our reality, but I told him I love him more than anything and that the result of my life is not his fault, even though he thinks it is, he was the best father, the best parent and the very best friend he could have ever been. However, for some people, I think, life was just not meant work out the way it should have or the way they had hoped.This New Years Eve I did not go out. I contemplated life and all the universe has thrown at me and I felt like I wanted to dive into a huge clear lake, with the sun shinning onto every ripple and revealing everything about the water, which contains nothing, which to me represents what this world, in this lifetime has to offer me, nothing - its a pool of complete and total nothingness that holds me in its embrace of nothingness so I feel nothing at that one moment when I dive in and then when I reach the surface, taking a breath and realise that this is all there is, I remember the loneliness, the hurt, the loss, and the feeling of going to bed alone, waking up alone, and being completely alone.To be happy.....what would I need.....I don't know......perhaps I will never know.....but it sure as hell isn't anything I have had before and it is sure as hell unlikely to be discovered this year.

And then there was.....nothing

So after the big revelation, the moment of truth...what happens next....well I guess the other big question is.....why did he tell me?? To that I have no answer and never expect to get one, but to the first question, of what happens next? Well nothing really, things just go on as they have done before, we have sex, I enjoy it, I assume he does as well and then....well then there is nothing. Except it has done a truly amazing thing for me, it has freed me from my wondering and my questioning and has given me closure to a situation that I knew in my heart was taking place and which hurt me in a manner so painful I can never describe, but it brings sense to the otherwise senseless situation.
I don't talk about it to people much, but when I do the question of "what happens next, will you get back together?" comes up. To this I say "no", and although I had some feeling for a time that perhaps this was the reason he told me, to clear the decks and see what happens next, it was cancelled out when he asked me how I will be when he finds a girlfriend, to which I asked if there was any possibility that I might be in the running for this particular position, his answer was an emphatic "no" followed by a long list of reasons why not which centered around my family being incredibly dysfunction and various other issues, none of which I could fathom - I felt stupid for asking, wished that I hadn't and whilst I felt hurt, I knew that this is actually the truth, what I have come from does not make for a good future with any partner and certainly does not provide for a stable family environment with the prospect of children.
This was hard to swallow, I was hurt and felt like things were really all a bit pointless. It took some time for me to digest this, and at first I wanted nothing more to do with him, I wanted the reminder out of my life but then I realised that it was not him that was the problem, it was me, my family, what I have come from that is what I have been trying to run away from for so many years and the need to face this and stop trying to make my life into something it can never be suddenly became clear.
I realised that whilst because of my circumstances and my situation I can not have the life I wanted so badly, a partner, a family, all of which I saw as my reason to invest myself emotionally and mentally, I need to remove these as options from my life, they are not options for me, not at all, but that doesn't mean that there are not other things I can do with the time I have here.
I think the first step in my discovering my "new self" was the fact that I decided to get fit. I have always been fit, even most of my life I have been over-weight, I was only once ever at a weight I felt I looked ok at and that was when I was 19 and 20, I was a little over 50kgs then and felt good, and although I don't expect at nearly 34 to get back there again, below 60 would be good and the "ex" proposed a challenge once again to me to aim for 55kgs, he even offered to pay for the gym for me for 6 months, why I have no idea, and although I can't afford to join the gym I have declined the offer, I don't feel right about taking his money and despite the fact that 55kgs is my target, I don't want him to provide the membership with the knowledge that within that time he will find someone else and I will be "kicked to the curb" yet again and at that time I know I am likely to resent going, so much so that I fear that I will not continue to go at all.
So I set myself a 2 week plan for the school holidays, I would go every day for as close to 3 hours a day as I could muster - so far I have been successful and I have lost 2 kgs, much less than I had hoped for but it is the other effects of the new regime that I have reason to celebrate.
I am feeling better about things than I have done in ages, it has been more than a year since I have committed to exercises again, something that was ALWAYS part of my daily routine and for the past year or more I have not only missed it physically, but I have missed it psychologically. I am also happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I have actually wanted to be fit, to feel better and to enjoy the positive effects of being fit for myself and not for the pursuit of a relationship or to make myself more attractive to anyone else or to feel like I was doing it for the purpose of finding "that someone special". I already found that person, I know who he is, and he remains special to me, but I to him - well, there is no chance of that and there never will be, but I am remaining committed regardless.
I always knew that the secret to keeping the big "depression" at bay was to stay active, but the problem is that when you stop for a time it is really hard to see the point in starting again, and even harder to actually START again, and the longer this goes on for, the longer that inactivity becomes routine, the harder it is to get going again. This was a HUGE psychological barrier and I am proud that I have seemingly overcome it.
I am now becoming very accepting of my situation, my losses and my sadness. I am in a process of re-framing my life from where I hoped it would go, with a family, people to come home to and people to cook for and love - to accepting a life on my own and I am seeing a huge number of possibilities and positive in that fact alone.
What my situation, I realise now, provides me is not only a great deal of disappointment but a huge amount of possibilities and a number of which I am enjoying the process of contemplating.
My strong urge since visiting Bali and working the the street dogs there has been to return on a full-time basis, that dream is alive and well and whilst I am not sure quite when it will be that I make that move I have no doubt that I will make it, and soon if I can.
The business I am involved in, whilst it has its issues, one of which for me is largely the poor financial predicament it puts me in, is extremely enjoyable, for the first time in many many years I actually really love my job and my work, despite the lack of financial reward, and it is going extremely well so I hope that one day it will be more financially rewarding that it currently is, and whilst I hate being unable to do things because of a lack of financial security, I have accepted that I will never own my own home again, I will never be able to buy the things I always wanted and fill my dream home with, I am trying to believe that if you do what makes you happy then one day the financial rewards will follow.
I have also been made an offer to be finaically supported to start a business that I really have wanted to start for a very long time. At first I disregarded this offer and did not even think about it but lately I have been in contemplation again and have started to think that it may well be a good idea to engage in further conversation, at least - I am sure that couldn't hurt!
These things were holding me back, I kept thinking that firstly, I would fail to make a success of any of these things, because I didn't believe in myself, but then I also thought about how I would manage to do these things I had been thinking about for so long if the opportunity of a relationship and a family were to be presented again, but now, in my complete acceptance of the way my life has turned out, I realise that these opportunities should be seized, because it is not my destiny to be a mother, a partner, an owner of a home, it is my destiny to something completely different with my life, something I never even thought of as a possibility, as to what I will do yet I am really not sure, but I see opportunity where before I saw none.
With all this positiveness I guess the next big question is why I don't see another relationship on my horizon - the simple answer is that I know that I do not have the skills to be in a relationship! Time and many relationships before me have proven that! But the long answer is that I can never see myself being in love again.
I use to think that to have a successful long-term relationship you needed to be able to have similar goals and similar morals and believe systems and most of all you needed to be able to come home every day after work and not hate the person who you were coming home to, to see them as a friend and to be able to tolerate their habits, their weaknesses and even their family!
Then I had a relationship that made me think quite differently. I was in love with someone who made it possible to sleep soundly next to at night. Who made waking at night no longer an annoyance but a complete joy, simply because they were beside me, I would kiss him just for being there. Who made waking up in the morning, no matter how early (even on the weekends) a complete and utter excitement!
I found a person who would make me weak at the knees when he would kiss me, every single time, who made me sad when he walked out the door even when it was to buy the paper, a person who made me excited to come home, and who made me hold my breath with anticipation and excitement when he returned from work of an evening.
So the long answer is that I can not for the life of me expect to find such a person again, and actually I don't want to. I know he will find someone else who will be more suited to what he was after, who will come from a better family, who will be a better mother and a better partner, and who I am sure will make him happy - but for me, I am content to keep my memories and my dreams to myself.
He recently allowed me to spend some time with his daughter when she was in Melbourne. I was thrilled and enjoyed every single moment with her, chatting, being with her and doing things I thought she would like. I found it hard not to hug her more than I did. Not only is she absolutely beautiful she is also a wonderful person and has SO much to say, SO many interesting feelings and insights that she shares and such a truly stunning heart, it is so hard to stop from just hugging her.
I guess my feelings towards her are not unlike my feelings towards my other friends kids, I just see their innocence and their fragility and everything that is sweet and kind about them before life has a chance to cast its damage and I just want to hug them and love them and protect them from everything bad that could happen to them, but she is particularly special to me, and although she is at an age where being smothered by hugs and kissed is not all that cool, its all I want to do!
When I said good-bye to her I said 'I will see you next time', and although I hope I do, I also realise that the likely hood is that I wont. By the time she visits again it will be someone elses turn, and all I do is hope that they love her and hug her and enjoy her as much as I have done.
I drove away wondering if I will ever see her again......

The evening of revelations and at last - closure

For so long I have been trying to have closure on my previous relationship. A very hard thing to achieve when you have no actual break-up conversation, when you have never even discussed the reasons and the "what happened" or even so much as an actual "break-up" conversation - and when you are left with nothing but unanswered questions, hunches, feelings, intuition and thinking you know what happened because of certain factors, behaviours and event but actually not really knowing if any of these conclusions were correct.

For the longest time I assumed that I would actually never know what happened. I had accepted that I would be forever in the lost wilderness of loss without explanation. This was not a state I enjoyed and whilst I had given up thinking about it, I had drawn my own conclusions and was prepared to live with that.

Then, one recent and fateful evening the ex came calling for the usual - sex with no strings. Fine, no drama. Without prompting, without questioning and with nothing being discussed there was a revelation that took my breath away, and hit me like a truck, kicked my stomach in and ripped my heart out all at the same time. I had actually been right all the time. My instincts were correct and I was speechless.

He told me that the girl who he had become friends with during the time just prior to our trouble and who he had become closer to during the time when things were hard between us and I was away from the house, when we were going to "have some space" while trying to work things out, had become his girlfriend in November of last year.

When I found her business car in his wallet when getting some shopping money out (prior to my leaving) I suspected something. I had asked him about it and he reacted in the way I wish he wouldn't, he was secretive and dismissive, but it left a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I hated and was the feeling I had been waiting for - I knew the day would come when he would do this.

Four days after I left the house we called "home" to return to my house and pack up the last of my things and prepare the my sold house to be handed over to the new owner, there was a party at the pub next door to where we lived for one of the "locals". The ex and I discussed it and it was decided that at this time it would be best if I did not attend. Fine, no problems.

The next morning I sent him a text saying that we needed to discuss some of my moving arrangements. He did not answer. I sent him a few more before I called him a few times and he did not pick up the phone. I was concerned but tried to tell myself that I needed now, more than ever before to be able to trust him.

I logged onto Facebook during one of my breaks while packing and was presented with a number of photos of the previous evening with him and what turned out to be the same girl whose business card was being kept in his wallet. I felt sick and vomited into the garden. My worst fear had been realised.

I had sold my home. I had shed my possessions and had packed up my life to be with someone who had become easily distracted by the attraction of someone new. Someone he didn't have any problems or issues or history with. Someone who was simple and fun, exciting and new. Everything that I wish would never happened suddenly became real. It was at this point that I should have walked away. I will be forever regretting that I didn't just cut my losses, and just walk away from him and the whole fraught situation.

When I finally spoke to him later that day he told me that she had gone to the party with him. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend and he found that he could blow off some steam and have some fun with her, she had become extremely drunk and she had stayed over. She had slept in "our" bed, and he had slept on the couch. I accepted this from him and expressed to him that whilst this was a really bad judgement call on his behalf to do this and to also allow her to stay over and not just put her in a taxi home, I was prepared to believe him and let it pass, but it must not happen again.

But it was at this point that the seed of doubt was planted and everything that followed was based on the fact that this relationship had formed between them.

We agreed that this would not happen again and discussed my moving arrangements. He said he was not ready to have me home just yet and I accepted that at this point, I was probably needing some more time as well, especially given what had just transpired. At this point I literally had nowhere to go. I organised my dogs to be taken care of by my father and I went to stay with my sister, although it was clearly understood by all that this would be only for a few days.

The ex was under a massive amount of work pressure and was travelling for work all the time and away for long stretches. I went to stay at the house when he was away and hoped that when he got back that he would at some point want to talk and to make some decisions, after all I had nowhere to live and was running out of time.

My situation at work deteriorated and I was unable to concentrate for fear of what I was going to do, where I was going to live and the complete and total devastation that I was 32 years old and homeless and I so desperately wanted to go back home and be safe with him again, to have my life back, but every time he was home again from a work trip he didn't want to see me or talk to me. I knew he was out with this girl, her name is "Claire", and I knew that when he was with her, things were fun and new and he didn't have to face any hard decisions or any of the responsibility that I was dealing with.

We didn't see each other for long stretches of time. He never called, we texted and emailed and he kept promising that "soon" I would be able to go back home again. I was moving all the time. I moved 8 times and felt like my life was in ruins and kept trying to do everything he said I needed to do in order to come home - but when I did what he said he would still not see me and still he said it would all be ok "soon" but that he needed more time.

I really knew things were over when I had to start making longer term financial and work decisions and needed to start to find somewhere more permanent to live. He kept saying "soon" but meanwhile the work trips had stopped and the weekends were forever filled with me crying and him out having a great time, much of it I later found out was with "Claire".

I can completely understand why he felt like he didn't want to deal with the situation and with me at the time. I was angry, I was upset and distressed, but he never understood that this was because we didn't talk and I never knew what was going on, but the seed of doubt in my mind was forever growing, knowing that she was there, even if it was only as a "friend", she would not be hanging out with him and doing what she was doing if it were not for the fact that she was waiting for the right opportunity and moment to strike - this is what predatory and opportunistic women like her do.

It was so much easier for him to go out and get drunk and flirt and have a great time than it was to face any of the reality I was left to deal with. But this is what he does. He uses any means to escape any kind of emotional difficulty and challenging relationship conditions, and all the while we were growing further and further apart and I just wanted to grab him and slap him and say 'we are not in our early 20's anymore, this is life, deal with it and start to remember that we had something I thought was special, and you told me that you wanted to be with me and you seemed happy, so lets get this sorted and get on with our lives, it just doesn't have to be this hard, we could sort it out with a simple conversation!!!!'.

But we never got the opportunity to do that. I ended up going to Europe for a trip and it was agreed that we would meet and discuss where we stood when I got back. He was also due to be away during some of this time for work and told me he was getting back on a particular date, then he changed the date and I later found out that he had changed this date to go to an event with "Claire". More lies and more suspicion, and more putting me off because I was not quite as important as "her" or the social life. I felt betrayed and was wanting to know what was going on between them.

We met. It was horrible. I wanted honesty about the relationship he had formed with her and it became clear quite quickly that this was an area of extreme sensitivity. He would not answer any questions other than to tell me that yes, the "friendship" still existed and that yes, she had been staying over on occasion - this despite our agreement that this was inappropriate. He became angry when questioned and he left. A short time after this (as I was later to find out) he started a relationship with her.

During the 7 months that they were together I knew he was with her. I could tell from the way he was with me whenever we had to speak about something. He kept telling me that I was delusional to think that anything was going on but I reckon I could just about pinpoint the moment that she finally got him into the sack. He changed, he was different with me from that point on and for quite some time he didn't want to sleep with me.

He had to return some things of mine that I needed and he was always too busy, she was preventing him from doing it, she didn't want him to see me. She was occupying his mind and his every move and I could tell that he was not the same person anymore.

Then came Christmas. He sent me a text message on the day and we exchanged many that evening. I said that I wished that we were having the kind of Christmas that we used to have together and he once again gave me hope that we might just do that again in the future.

We slept together over the summer. He went cold suddenly after New Years Eve and he was not responding to my emails, but then he sent me a happy birthday text message on January 7th filled with kisses. Not long after this, I recall one night when he came over and we slept together and I drove him home the next day and asked if he had been having a fight with his girlfriend and he said he didn't have one, which I now know to be an untruth. I said that I know him too well for that and the only reason he would have come to sleep with me is that if he didn't have another option, he said that he was on his own and trying to work things out without a relationship, but I saw through this.

When he finally came clean and revealed all on this fateful evening I was as I said, shocked. More shocked really that he told me, not so much that it happened, because I already knew that. I knew that he was distracted all those months when I was desperately trying to work things out with him, I knew he had more fun and exciting ways to occupy his time, but the revelation took me by surprise because all of a sudden it was real.

I realised that everything I had been going through to try to recover what we had and to try to get my life back was completely and utterly pointless. She had him from that first night when she slept over and I never ever stood a chance no matter what I did.

I had hoped and prayed and believed that he had moved on from that mentality that if you just ignore the emotional stuff it will go away. I had hoped that he had valued me and what we had enough to see that this was a small stumbling block and that we could have sorted things out and we could have been happy again. But I was not enough for him and I knew when he told me the truth that I was never going to be and never could be. There would always be something else, someone else who was more exciting, new, without any problems or issues to work through. He just doesn't want to deal with any relationship challenges, ever, and certainly I was never important enough to want to change that.

After he left I was speaking to my housemate. She could tell something was wrong but it took me some time before I could find the words. I told her and she said 'that girl is going to have a lot of bad karma coming her way'. It was at that moment that I started to weep. I said 'you know, she should have a great deal of bad karma, but someone like her, who prays on a situation and a person and is as opportunistic as her.....well, those people seem to just go through life without karma catching up with them'.

He told me that she is 28 years old. She has a great family, comes from a great deal of money and I know from the photos that she is blond, slim and completely stunning. From my experience, people like that don't get caught by karma, they just go through life being happy and lucky and not facing anything significant and things just work out well for them.

I guess it hit me most that he had been so serious about her that he had wanted to have a family with her and he had spent a great deal of time getting to know her brothers and her parents in order to assess this and make that decision. Given how he feels about my family and how dysfunctional they are and the fact that he always found this a huge roadblock to us having a future together, I felt hurt because it once again proved to me that no matter how hard I try in life, no matter how hard I work to get out of the family situation I have come from and regardless of being the best person I can be, I will still always be judged on things that are completely and utterly out of my control.

I rung my best friend in the world Phil who now lives in London to tell him what I had been told. He, like me was speechless. But again, there was this feeling from him, as there was from me that we already knew anyway. I wasn't crying. I have not cried at all, but I continued to weep, the tears just streamed from me and were unstoppable, this was the case for the rest of the weekend.

Phil told me that he thought the ex was crazy to not have overlooked my family issues and told me that he felt that I am one of the most accepting and loving, caring people he has ever met. This made me weep even more. Why, if I have those qualities (which I do not profess by any means to have) would someone not value them? Why is it always that I am judged on where I have come from rather than who I am as a person.

The rest of the day I spent in bed. I wept, I slept when sleep would allow me to come. That evening my housemate came and knocked on my door and asked if I would like something to eat. I said that I would and I got up and it was night time. She had made me a wonderful dinner of homemade cheese, spinach and egg pie and salad and had put 2 strawberry fredo frogs on the side of my plate when she served me dinner on the couch. I asked why I had been given the frogs and she said 'because I bought them for you before when I went shopping, I know they are your favourite and I don't want you to be sad anymore'.

My heart melted when she served me a lovely dinner, but when she said that I started to weep again. Just the fact that someone thought I was worth doing something nice for was more lovely that I can ever put into words.

Since this time when my life essentially went down the toilet there have been very few of my friends who have actually made an effort to stay in touch or to offer their help and even fewer who have even made an effort to see me. Yeah, I have been slack on seeing them as well but that happens when you are homeless, dealing with the issues that go along with that, trying to move all the time and being completely preoccupied with worrying about where you will go next.

So during this time I have not only felt like the person I thought was my life partner, the first and only person I have ever loved had abandoned me, I also felt like the majority of my friends had as well. I was and have been certainly abandoned by my sister, who has never come to see me since I moved and who basically never enquires about my well being. There is certainly a tendency to start to feel like you are really quite worthless to anyone and everyone you know and who you have valued and who you thought valued you.

Phil calls these the "good-time friends", happy to be around when you are loads of fun, happy to call on you when they need you, but never there when things get hard. He has not been one of them. But the ex was and that is a mistake that I will be paying for for many years to come.

It no longer bothers me, what he told me that evening I am not jealous and not upset. I simply felt nothing when he told me other than shock and the feelings already described and also that he was telling me at all, why he told me I guess I will never actually know, he could have just said nothing - perhaps he just needed to get it off his conscious.....who knows.

Most of all I felt relief. I finally had closure. I knew I was not delusional and that what I had suspected all along actually happened. He did not cheat on me, I am not tarnishing him with that brush, but he allowed a third person to become involved in a situation that should have remained between two, just us. We could have resolved it, it was simple, easy and just needed a conversation without conflicted feelings and allowing others on the sidelines to fill our heads with "stuff".

He is a wonderful person and is actually a much better person than he gives himself credit for, I would love to have him and keep him in my life as long as I can hold onto what it is that he wants from me now, which is nothing but a physical thing for him.

I realise that he is just the kind of person who will always be seeking perfection and something better. I tried to make him happy, I did everything I could but I am not perfection, not by a long shot, and there will always be someone better. I don't have or come from a great, successful or wealthy family. My family is filled with complications and trauma and all the things I know make potential partners run from me. But they have also left me with some values and strengths and some characteristics that I had hoped one day someone would value. But that wasn't to be.

So where do the ex and I go from here.....well, as I said, I expect never to know why he told me what he did. I don't expect that in doing so he was hoping or expecting anything to change. It has not changed the way I feel about him. I will always have a wonderful and warm spot in my heart for him and will enjoy and revel in his company when he allows me to and whilst he continues his search for the perfect woman, and when he finds her I know I will be cast aside once again and I will accept this with grace and dignity, I hope.

I have not told many people about this, but those few I have told ask me if I think there is ever a chance that we could get back together - to this I say that I have no answer other than I know this is not what he would want. He is after something that I am simply not. He will never be happy until he gets what he has in his mind, and even then I suspect that he will want something more again.

I think what struck me most and what made me realise more than anything that we have no future together was when he told me that he and "Claire" went out on "dates", he would take her for nice dinners and take her out to places, the kind of thing I had hoped one day he might do for me, but he never did. He asked me out for dinner once when we were together, on valentines day. I bought a new dress for the occasion and he told me on the way home that he hated my dress and it made me look terrible.

I think ,when I look back at all these things it was simple he doesn't now and never did care for me at all, he doesn't want me back now and from the moment I left I expect that I was never even missed. But at the time these things were littered with so many happy times that I failed to see the truth.

The fact that I can be so easily forgotten by him and so many others makes me sad that I became a person who is so forgettable.

The fact that for the first time in my life I was passed over for someone 5 years younger that me leaves me in no doubt of what I can expect in the future if I ever let myself be drawn into another relationship - it certainly reaffirms my decision to stay away from anything like this, because there will forever be a better, more desirable and younger version waiting in the wings.

The relationship is over but the sex continues.

When I think about how long it has been since the "break up" (although there is no real or defined date) it seems like only yesterday in many ways but in others it feels like a lifetime, certainly because of how much I have changed since it happened, I feel like I am now a completely different person, I have completey different goals in life now, I don't have anything that even resembles the same life to what I had before or while I was with "him".

Then I realise that we have been apart for 16 months (although I am not sure that we actually broke up then, certainly I didn't think that we did until some time later on, although there has actually still never beenan actual break up) and when I think of it like that I realise just how impossible it is to go back.

Despite all this time, despite cutting off at various times for what seems like months but is probably in reality only weeks, there has basically been continual contact, sex has happened off and on. I guess if I really wanted no more contact I could make that happen, but I feel like I have tried and yet there is always something else....some other reason for us to exchange emails, text messages and if its not me making contact then its him.

I know he has been seeing someone and am not sure if that is still ongoing or how it is going but I don't care. I never wanted to be one of those women who slep with another womans boyfriend but quite frankly the world has thrown me so much shit that I no longer see the point in maintining moral standards, and trying to treat others the way I would have them treat me, nobody else seems to be playing by those rules as far as I can see I no longer feel like there is a need for me to either.

Whenever we have been together since we have not actually been together anymore, and especially anything recently, there has really been nothing, just sex, it has been good, it always is with him but it has not been great not exceptional and certainly nothing I thought about the next day. People would ask if I told them why I continue to do it with him, but I don't tell people anyway and if I did I would say that I just need to have sex from time to time, don't we all!!???!!

Recently this was diferent. Not different in a "lets get back together way", different in that he was more "him" again. The sex was mind blowing and was more the way it was when we were together, amazing and completely remarkable every time. We hugged and kissed and slept and talked and laughed. Yes, I laughed, like I have not laughed in over a year, the way he always made me laugh.

He always made me laugh, even when we were just friends I always knew that being with him I would laugh myself stupid all night and would be able to be my true self, then when we were together it was, for me anyway, a complete and total pleasure to do anything and everything with him there, he could turn the most mundane task into something funny and enjoyable - all I had to do was to think of him when we were apart and I would smile, and often laugh out loud at things that he said or did or stuff we did together. I felt relaxed and truely happy (I thought) with him - if I only knew what was to come.....

It was completely wonderful to be with him recently and yet sad at the same time. I no longer hate him. I no longer hold any resentment or anger towards him for anything and everything that happened, but there is a finality about what I feel and the whole situation that we have are in now that makes me feel sad, at times, only when I let myself.

But it is sad because there is certainly that feeling of even though it feels so right to be with him because I am completely myself and feel so "at home" I know it can never be again. Cue the music - Cher, If I could Turne Back Time!!

I worry for him. He seems sad and lost in a way and I still enjoy being with him and if I am truthful with myself I can say that I certainly still love him, but not in the way that I thought I once did and even though I have thought for some time that I never did love him at all, I guess I can still say that I do not know what it feels like yet to be "in love" with someone, I admit that for some time I thought I was with him but I know that was not the case now, I just got the feelings of loving someone in my life, a friend, confused with romantic feelings of being in love. But I know those feelings were never recipricated which I think they need to be to be truely in-love wit someone and when I think about what I gave up an what I went through because I thought he felt the same way, I must be honest and say that I am a little annoyed that he was not honest with me about his feelings and the fact that he never really wanted anything with me long term, he certainly could have saved me a great dea of money, trouble and heartache.

Stupidly though, there is a part of me that still wants to make him happy, I want to make him healthy, to cook good meals and to make his life easier and to be there when he comes home to have dinner made and to make his evening pleasurable - in any way that he wants it, but I know that when I tried that before, although I competely enjoyed it, he didn't care if I was there doing that or not, it never really mattered to him one way or another.

The sadness I feel comes from knowing that I can't turn back the hands of time. What I have with him now is just sex and that is all. That is all it can ever be. Those stollen moments when he doens't belong to someone else, and for that brief time he can be all mine. I am more that aware of how it is and I will never expect or desire anymore.

I would never be able to trust him again, not in a way that I would think he is being unfaithful, I always knew when I was with him and when I decided to be with him that he would be unfaithful at times, I acepted this as part of who he was and was willing to live with it because I knew that that the rest of him was so good that it was worth overlooking this flaw. But the inocent trust of thinking that he wouldn't hurt me like he did, that he wouldn't leave me on my own, homeless and broken and with things hanging and with no idea of what was going on in my life, no phone call, no communication, no break up, nothing.....just left, competely alone and broken. I never thought anyone could do that to someone. But it happened to me. I could never again trust anyone not to do that to me again, at some point eventually.

To be able to be with someone and to truly be happy I think I need to feel that the person would not leave when things get hard, that they would not throw me away like a dirty rag and not worry about what happens, that is something that I could never do to anyone but i have found that it is something others are willing and seemingly happy to do to me - that is the innocence of thinking that you have done enough to earn respect and care and even though I can get past this to forgive him, trust will never be there again and therefore happyness can never exist.

My resolve to remain on my own and to forgo any relationship remains, as does my decicion not to have children. I know that I can't be happy with anyone else but I can't have him and I can't be happy with him even if I could have him to myself, so I am content to share him. All I have is the time that he gives me, the time that we have together which is fun, where I get to laugh again, enjoy him and know that nothing will ever come of it.

The Sunday Roast - and the meaning of life

The Sunday Roast was always a fairly serious tradition in the Dalgleish household, well probably not so much in the household I grew up in but certainly my grandparents house, which for me essentially represented the "family home". We (my Dad, my sister and I) would always go down to Nan's for the event. During the day we would have watched the football on the TV in the afternoon in the lounge room while Nan would prepare the veggies in the kitchen from where she could see the TV, and certainly hear it, and would provide a running commentary that would make the paid professionals look like armatures.

There were cheers and insults and arguments about umpires calls that would make the most seaworthy sailors hair curl. The dogs would generally retreat to the safe confines of the floor under the dinning table provided and would make their way out when the 6pm channel nine news started at the exact time that dinner was served.....and it had better be at 6pm on the dot or my grandfather (Ted) would be sure to start wearing a hole in the footpath down the side of the house from pacing with complete frustration that dinner was not ready on time.

Now my grandparents are gone and there is no longer a family tradition of the Sunday roast, I find myself missing it very much. But things are different now. There is no family to speak of other than my Dad and my sister and they seem disinterested at best in continuing the tradition. So when I was with the ex I made a point of making it our tradition and to make it special. I would always ask my sister but she would decline and my father would come during the week and pick up a few meals I had made with the left overs, but the meal was always a lovely time for the ex and I. The end of a long and hard weekend and a chance to spend some time together on the couch.

I find myself now missing both of these scenarios. So much that I actually often still make the Sunday roast. Nobody eats it. Except my Dad, he comes during the week to pick up his meals for the week and I always prepare a couple of roast dinners for him. But there is no longer a tradition. No longer a time shared while eating a meal, and no longer a partner or a family to share it with.

Thinking about this makes me sad. Having no capacity to change it makes me feel sad as well but mainly disappointed. Disappointed with my choices, the way my life has turned out and mostly sad that I won't have the opportunity to have that in my life again, it was something I always enjoyed. But I never feel that I should have cherished those moments more because I loved every second I ever spent with my family, in the days when we were together and every meal I ever made for my ex was made with a huge amount of love, enjoyment and pleasure, as I cherished every second we were together, even though I now know that what I was living was a complete fabrication.

Living alone and knowing that I will always be alone and not have a family or a partner presents its challenges. Waking up alone becomes easier as the time goes by, even that thought in the moment upon waking that you are alone and will forever be waking up alone, becomes easier and tends not to be given the same recognition that it once did, when the gaping hole in you're bed was a reminder of another failed relationship, in these times it takes time before you start to sleep in the middle of the bed again, you still leave one side of the bed vacant, just in case things were to ever change. When you get to the point where you sleep in the middle, or roll around during the night you know that hope has been lost that you will share the bed again and you begin to wonder how you ever did share it to begin with!

Going to bed is much the same. Often it actually feels quite wonderful and indulgent to go to bed at 7.30pm every night and know that sleep is only moments away, no chatter, no sex, no disturbances to keep you awake, there is certainly something liberating about it.

It is also liberating to eat what you want, to forget about exercising! Why would you even bother watching what you eat or staying in shape if you no longer seek to please or to find a mate!? What is the point of maintaining a healthy lifestyle if you will not be around to watch family grow and to be a part of a family in some way, you begin to realise that financially and emotionally you have not built enough to be able to live that long anyway!

Smoking can be enjoyed completely guilt free! Drinking can be embraced and personal grooming requires no more than the occasional shave, occasional wash of the hair and no youth retaining products, no expensive hairdressing visits and certainly no purchasing of make up, clothes, shoes or accessories.

There is no longer a need to save for the future, to worry about buying property and paying off a mortgage, filling up superannuation and becoming "financially stable" - these things are the realm of those who expect and plan for family life, for a long and healthy existence and for a retirement with a partner and family, but when these things are not longer an option or a possibility to you, the need no longer exists.

There is something extremely liberating about knowing that all you really need to do is to work to live for the now. You don't need to have financial goals and targets for the future, as long as the rent is paid and the lights are on that's all that really matters!

And that is where we start to wonder what on earth we were meant to be doing here in life?? The old "meaning of life question".....was it just that I was put here to enjoy certain things, to form certain views, to hold certain values, to have hopes and dreams and wants and desires only to find that the universe has other plans? Other ways it wants me to be spending my time??

To be honest I am not sure yet. I don't know what the meaning of "life" is, I certainly have not found the meaning of my own life, what I am meant to be doing with it, whilst I know that I am not to have the traditional family, partner and children thing going on, and can be completely certain about that, I am not certain about what it is that I AM meant to be doing.........the search continues.

Love never fails us

I read the phrase "love never fails us" a few days ago and spent some time contemplating this. "Love" in itself is an interesting concept. I certainly believed that my first experience of love, or being in love, was with "the ex", and often wondered why it had actually taken so long before I had ever felt this feeling before, given that I have had a number of relationships and certainly have been hurt before by the ending of them, and have been married to a wonderful man who certainly deserved to be loved by me.
I have always had an enormous amount of love for my family, and most definitely for my dogs, and I can't say for a second that my lack of "falling in love" was a result of any childhood issues, like not being shown love towards me or not having witnessed it for myself between a "couple". My father certainly loved my mother, and I have happy memories of him showering her in love....I guess when I think back on that though, I don't have any memories at all or her showing him any love, I never thought so at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight, it was probably a very one way street as far as their relationship was concerned.
I was discussing this concept of "love" within relationships with my shrink recently and described my grandparents relationship as "codependent, alcoholic, dysfunctional but still full of love to me" and my shrink stopped me and said 'what you have just described was your own relationship with "the ex"' - and I realised that this was actually probably true.
It was this realisation that also made me aware of why this break up has been so hard for me, other than the financial loss and the betrayal of trust which obviously has a huge impact......it was the fact that it was not actually "love" at all that I was experiencing here, it was something I felt was safe and familiar, but not in any way good or loving or positive - once again, the universe seems to have saved me from something, even if it was actually very painful at the time.
After much consideration I realised that I have actually never been in love. Considering the saying "love never fails us" has probably a little to do with that realisation, because it certainly failed me badly! But when I think of "him" now I have no feeling at all towards him.
I certainly feel happy for various ex's who have moved onto wonderful relationship, including my ex-husband who is now remarried and has recently had a little girl, I feel really happy and a degree of unselfish love towards him that he is so happy and that he is gaining so much joy from being a father and a loving husband, but for the ex who ruined my life? Well I just feel nothing, dead.
I'm certainly not angry, not sad. Just nothing.. Perhaps the hypnotherapy is working....but actually I think its bigger than that. I think I actually never loved him at all. I try to think about what my reaction would be if he died some horrible death.....or was injured in some horrible accident - and still nothing.
So why did I think he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Why did I think I wanted to have a family with him? Why did I think he was the first person I had ever had feelings of love for?
I have tried to work this out in an attempt to make sure that I don't make the same mistake again. I have a feeling that the reasons for my feeling that this person was my soul mate was to do with the fact that he is a fairly lost soul as well, and that our relationship did actually resemble so much of my grandparents relationship that it provided a familiarity that I was comfortable in, and for that reason, realising that I am too a lost soul, I thought for a time that we were great, magical and amazing together, but with the reflection of life and the other things that happen, I guess you start to realise that whilst we were two lost souls, he is lost in a different manner to me, my care and affection was certainly (much like my fathers towards my mother) a one way street, and my attempts to try to salvage "something" even if that were only to remain friends as we had been before are no successful because he actually doesn't have the capacity to feel anything.
Even if I can recognise now that I was not in love with him, and that I actually don't care at all what happens to him, there is still a part of me that wants him to be happy and to have a great life, and certainly I have always been honest with him, honest as I could be with my feelings as I knew them to be at the time.
I am not sure that he has that capacity though, I will wonder for some time I expect in an attempt to work out how his mind and feelings work....I know that he can not be honest and true and certainly not relied upon, but the rest of what happened and what remains is a complete mystery to me and will probably be so for the rest of my days.
So does "love never fail us"?.....I don't know, I am yet to find out, but with a decision to not date or become emotionally involved with anyone again then I guess I will never know!