The Summer that was not Endless

I have been listening to a CD lately which has taken me back to a place that sometimes I wish I could go back to and make different decisions or choices…the feeling that if you had turned left and not right in a situation and everything would have been different….

I was painting and renovating my house at the time when I listened to this CD quite a bit, if I’m honest it was almost every night.  It takes me back to a moment in time, I find it quite amazing how music has the capacity to do that but that’s another blog entirely…

I was living the life I thought I wanted to live.  I had studied hard and achieved career success and was paid well, I had a relationship with a man I thought I was deeply in love with and who I thought was in love with me and we were planning a life together and my hard work on the house was going to result in my home selling for a great price (which it did) and that we would build a life together and I would contribute to that financially by selling my home and my hard work was all for that.  Then when I least expected it everything changed and essentially went to shit.

I recall the moment I knew it was over and that nothing in my life would ever be the same and that moment still fills me with dread and remorse for what could have been.  For the years that have followed I have held onto hope that at some point there would be some coming back from that and that somehow someway it would be able to be back the way it was again.

Those thoughts even now listening to the same music that takes me to that place I am not only accepting of the devastation that took place, I am actually pleased it did as, even though I have lived through what can only be described as a “living hell” I have come through and am a better, happier and more content person as a result.

I no longer have my home.  I no longer have romantic love in my life or the hopes and dreams of building a life with someone, I no longer have a well-paid job but I have found a different and more satisfying life that offers me none of those things yet brings me more joy, peace and fulfillment.

At times it’s often hard to see this as I am not going to lie; there are dark moments, disappointments and lonely times. 

This festive season has taken me to a place of extraordinary highs followed by some equally extraordinary lows.

I was lucky enough to meet someone really lovely and amazing, who for a short time at least turned my world upside down.  He made me feel amazing and I enjoyed each and every single second I was fortunate enough to spend in his presence.  He was a breath of fresh air that made me realise that so many of the men I have dated before have been so incredibly second rate.

He made what is normally a gloomy time for me, the festive season when it feels like everyone else is enjoying themselves and I am simply not, a glorious time where for the first time in so long I have managed to enjoy the significant dates which I normally loath and detest, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and my birthday which follows soon thereafter.  Each of these days was made wonderful by him.

Then, after spending every day since we met and almost every night he dumped me over an issue so ridiculous that it isn’t even worth putting into words.

We met on a Thursday evening before Christmas after meeting online and organising a drink at a local bar.  I completely expected that like all the “dates” I have with men from either speed dating or online, I would be home in an hour and wishing I had not even bothered.  But he seemed different, he was relaxed in his own skin and we chatted and he seemed to enjoy my company.

When it was time to leave we walked home together, his street came before mine but he said he would walk me home which I thought was nice.  When we got to my place he suggested a drink at the pub across the road.  I said we were better off having one at my place as the pub over the road is hideous at the best of times and at least at home we would have good music and the pleasant surrounds of my garden.

We sat for several hours drinking, knowing that both of us needed to show up for work the next day but only briefly and with no need to arrive early.  We listened to music and I was impressed with his 80’s music trivia knowledge and also his iPod music collection.  He kissed me and when he did I knew I was in trouble because I enjoyed it far too much.

I said I didn’t want him to “stay” because I was actually interested in seeing him again and that he wouldn’t want to do that if he did, but we were drunk and I gave way to my desire to make the night last forever.

In the morning he left, he asked me what would happen from here and I said I completely understood that he wouldn’t contact me again and he blew that off and said ‘let’s just agree that I will call you later this afternoon’.  Which he did, we had dinner, he stayed over and we woke up on Saturday morning and continued on one long date for 5 weeks seeing each other every day and spending almost every night together.  The funny thing is I have never done that with anyone before, I have tired of being around them, wanted to be one my own for a bit or felt like I really didn’t want them to become too much part of my life, but not with him, he made me feel relaxed and at ease and I enjoyed just sitting with him, reading or watching sport on TV.

I also found that I had never met anyone who I actually enjoyed so many of the same activities or interests with.  An afternoon at the TAB watching horse racing and betting may seem like a complete nightmare to many people but it’s one of the things I enjoy doing the most and he loves that as well. 

We loved listening to the same music, we both enjoy going to the gym and remarkably both enjoy the same kinds of TV programs and movies, but also both seemed to enjoy just hanging out over summer, walking around doing the normal things that we both do anyway but just doing them together.  I really thought this was someone I could get used to having around.

There was no need for a discussion about where “our relationship” was going, something I hate having to discuss and never bring up because the thought makes me cringe…..we just both seemed at ease and comfortable with the way things were.

There were a couple of “incidents” where it was clear he was unhappy about my behaviour, my drunken birthday being one of them where he expressed that he didn’t wish to see me in that state again, I agreed that it was horrible and that I wouldn’t have wanted to have seen me in that state either, so I made a decision that I really needed to ensure I eat even in the heat of summer and don’t just rely on bubbles for nourishment after doing a day of 3 hours of exercise and very little food or water!

I wanted to “do better” than the way I had on my birthday because I know I am better than that, even though I had a great night I actually do have the ability to pull up when I have had enough to drink and I didn’t on that occasion and feel embarrassed at the result.  But also felt like I actually had a really good reason to “pull up” when I felt I was not being judged but it was pointed out that I didn’t need to behave like that.

The situation was made slightly more complex by the fact that I had googled him just days after we met.  When I did this I got information that in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined.  I had a decision to make, cut and run based on what little information was available online or keep seeing him and make my own assessment based on how he presented to me, how he treated me and in time I expected that he would probably tell me the details of the information I had read about and I assumed that whilst it was shocking, it may not have been in reality everything that it was made out to be in the online articles I read.  I decided not to judge him.

I did however gather from what was presented (and from what I had read online) that this was a man who was clearly in the stages of rebuilding his life after what was clearly a very devastating series of events.  I thought there was a fair bit of irony and fate involved in our meeting as I too was and am in a stage of rebuilding from devastation, of course of a different kind, but nonetheless.

During this amazingly happy Summer I when I would wake up to him nearly every day I would think to myself that the devastation was worth it, this is what it has lead me to, a feeling of calm I don’t think I had ever felt before and I was not sorry that I had been through what I had to get to this point.

When he ended things with me I was really angry and said some things I wish I hadn’t.  I was mainly hurt that he did it on the phone, but also that he did it for such a minor “thing” that made little sense to me especially with the knowledge I had of his previous wrong doings which I was more than willing to take a non-judgemental position on.

I guess we both took a different view on meeting and relating to people, I don’t meet a large number, if any actually that I enjoy spending so much time with and the numbers are dwindling as the years pass.  To find someone that you enjoy that much, even if there are things and faults and boxes that don’t quite get ticked, if the major stuff is there it deserves a chance.  He didn’t feel this way, so my search for someone that does continues.

I am disappointed that it ended, I am equally disappointed with the way I reacted as I feel I should have done better, but I am not sorry that I had a great summer with a man I thoroughly enjoyed.  I am more disappointed than anything with the fact that every time I hear the song “Islands in the Stream” and the words ‘this could be the year for the real thing’ I will think of him as I thought at the time that perhaps indeed it was.

Faith in Humanity

Over the last few years my faith in humanity has certainly been challenged.  I have been hurt by the people I loved and trusted the most and this has certainly caused me to doubt my sense of worth but also has caused me to be very selective about who I share my time with but most importantly who I share my thoughts and feelings with.
Recently whilst enduring one of the many speed dating events I attend I met someone who I didn't really think a huge amount of but decided to "tick yes" to anyway because I liked his eyes and his teeth.  Yep, I am actually that superficial.  As it turns out he didn't really think a great deal of me either but for some reason he also "ticked yes" which means our email contacts were exchanged and as a result he contacted me, we went on a date which I expected to last no more than an hour which is generally how long they last, but this one went on much longer and before I knew it we had spent close to 5 hours together and I really enjoyed his company.
We started seeing each other on a fairly regular basis and whilst I didn't consider this to be overly serious I started to like him the more I got to know him.  He opened up to me quite a bit and shared very personal details of his life which has been no walk in the park for him.
Whilst I was feeling very much like I was reserving my judgement on him and the situation and any feelings for him I really liked the time we spent together and must admit that a small level of attachment was forming. 
Most people who don't know me very well think that my life is an "open book" that I share anything with anyone because I am blunt and say things that perhaps others wouldn't but those who know me best know that this is only a front and that I actually share very little with most people - of the stuff that really matters.  He started to figure this out fairly quickly and was continually asking me to share something personal with him, anything, just something that mattered and that I don't tell other people.  I got sick of refusing and after sharing a few hours of fairly amazing intimacy I cracked under the pressure and shared a small and extremely brief amount of the circumstances, hurt, loss and pain I have felt, leaving out any level of detail at all.
His reaction at the time was wonderful.  He was reassuring, comforting, accepting and loving in a way I don't think I have ever experienced before.  The evening ended, I went home and within a few days he contacted me to organise a time to have a "chat" which I knew immediately meant he wanted to end it.  I told him that there was no need for the conversation but regardless we had it and as expected he drew things to a conclusion.
Whilst I am not and was not surprised I was annoyed with myself for not trusting my instincts and keeping things to myself.  But then I started to think about that and I have to say that going forward it would not be an easy facade to maintain.  If you want to be close to someone, really understand them and know them and have an intimate relationship with them then at some point some level of sharing is surly necessary??!  And it seems to me that at this age there is enough baggage between two people that unless these this are out in the open at some point then we really don't have any hope of forming new relationships once our marriages or serious long-term relationships end.
The situation certainly has made me reconsider my ability to enter into a relationship of any kind, albeit casual dating which this situation certainly was - but anything more than sex is probably out of the question for me for now and I have certainly called a halt to any dating of any kind, as I really don't think I will be able to trust anyone again for quite some time as mine has been broken a few too many times of late.
However I also had an experience that turned my faith in humanity around a little.  Such contrasts in such a short space of time.
I went to a birthday party for a friend who was celebrating with a bunch of people I have had little or no contact with since the big break up with the ex some time ago.  I knew he would be there but expected he would turn up later so as reluctant as I was to attend I thought if I go early and leave shortly after I may be lucky enough to miss him.  I was wrong, he was there before me and we were the only guests for quite some time.
As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with him being there as we really didn't interact and as old friends turned up and their greetings were warm and friendly I felt more than happy to stay on and abandoned my plan to make an early exit.
As the night wore on and people were chatting to me, despite my feeling uncomfortable being there, embarrassed really about what had happened between the ex and I, feeling foolish that he had found someone to replace me before I moved out and then took her to be a part of this group of friends so quickly as if I had never mattered or existed (which I know in his world I hadn't) and the resentment I felt towards these people who had in my eyes stood by and said nothing and done nothing as if they thought this was ok, it started to become clear to me that these people or at least many of them didn't feel that way.
Without me saying anything many of them approached me telling me how great it was to see me and how they had been unhappy that he had done what he did to me and that they really disapproved of his behavior and of his relationship with this girl, they also said they thought he had made a huge mistake - and I must say that did make me feel a little good about myself - but mainly I felt really welcomed and like I didn't need to feel the shame I had been carrying around with me for so long, for it is not me who should be ashamed at all.
My faith in people was somewhat restored during this time.  Feeling pleased that people wanted to speak to me, wanted to share their thoughts and feelings about things with me and making me feel welcome and loved was a really nice experience.
As the evening wore on and the effects of drugs and alcohol kicked in things became heated between the ex and I in what might have been seen as him becoming a little jealous of a man I met during the evening.  Although this was the interpretation given to me by many who witnessed things I didn't and don't agree.  He is a man deeply in love with someone else and despite her not being there that evening it has become more and more clear that they have a deep connection far beyond anything I ever imagined between us.
There was a moment during the evening when he hugged me and kissed me on the head and with my arms around him for a few sweet moments it once again felt right, like its the only place in the world I feel happy safe and complete, but then I have to walk away and remind myself that its not real, and even if it was he will never get her out of his life, not completely.  He will always hold a torch for her and I will never be able to complete and he will never want to work at earning my trust back even if he said it was over between them.
So whilst my faith once again in relationships with men of an intimate nature was damaged I can honestly say that my faith in good friends was restored beyond what I thought was possible.

Goals, dreams, hopes...whatever

I have mentioned previously that I have been seeing a shrink.  Probably a good time to mention yet again at this point that I call her my “shrink” but she is actually a psychologist, not a psychiatrist and I attend these regular visits and shell out large sums of money with the intention of self-improvement and not to address some serious psychological illness.  As I have stated previously, I think the real “crazies” are those who choose not to have certain “issues” (and we all have them!) addressed, so I certainly don’t see my therapy as something to be ashamed of or secretive about.

  

Regardless of all of this, my latest task set by my shrink has been to work out what my goals for the future are……..and interesting question given that I have never really contemplated any such goals…..she asked me to write down after visualising what my life would look like if I could choose the way my life would be or to “look” in the future and from there we can establish I guess what to work towards, given that I have and never have had any actual “goals”.

So after spending the last 2 weeks thinking about this I have come up with very little I must admit, and these are the things I have given thought to:

I find it difficult to see myself in the future mainly because I have always expected that I would die young, I have no idea why or how but I have never seen myself getting older, probably not much older than 40 or 45 tops….the best way to explain this is that I had a dog called Hughie once who was killed.  When he died he took a part of me with him that will never ever be replaced.  I honestly felt like after I lost him that I lost all hope of anything good ever lasting and the subsequent years have proven that I was actually correct in my thinking there….but after he died I said to my Dad that it was always a strange feeling with Hughie because I could never see him as an older dog so it came really as no surprise to me that he was killed, Dad agreed that he also had trouble visualising him being older, so I felt like it perhaps wasn’t just me seeing things like this.

If I am honest about my “dreams” of what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have to say that being a soul singer, like Aretha Franklin or Stevie Nicks was one of my big hopes.  I also wanted to be a dancer, I watched and still watch movies like Footloose, Dirty Dancing and Saturday Night Fever and dream of being in one of them….but eventually reality sunk in and I realised that I could not sing and my dancing abilities are somewhat questionable (although don’t always seem that way after a few drinks).  The reality is that no amount of training or practice was ever going to give me these talents.

So if I cast my mind back to my “younger days” and try to think of what my hopes, dreams, wishes and goals were, in a mildly more realistic way….. before reality set in and I realised that the following  were either not attainable, or did not bring me the happiness or pleasure or even contentment I expected or hoped they would I guess I would have to start with the fact that I wanted to ensure I was educated, yep, tick that box…..sure there are probably more things I could do in the future with regards to furthering my education but I have 3 degrees and that’s probably enough for me at the moment, I don’t feel the need or desire to continue at the moment.

Get the “job of my dreams”, well I don’t know about any of my jobs and if they really lived up to expectations but I certainly had jobs I enjoyed at the time and that gave me a great deal of satisfaction.  I loved the feeling and challenges associated with doing well at work and being promoted and getting loads of wins on the board in the career sense.

This really died for me during several stages, firstly I found the political environment to be very harsh and I took it quite personally when projects and achievements of mine were dismissed when the Government of the day (or if there was a change of Minister etc) had a new focus and refused to continue funding to areas I felt important and was passionate about.  I found the work environment to be completely soul destroying, the people I worked for dishonest, lazy and generally stupid at best – so my dreams of having a career in the public service where I would make changes and do well came crashing down, coupled with my refusal to tow the line meant that I was no chance of progressing further than I had already.

The next of my goals was to own my own home. Tick that box.  Been there done that, have the t’shirt, but after owning a few homes I sold my last and realise that my financial situation along with the market conditions as they are now and will continue to be make it impossible for me to contemplate this as a wish or a goal as it simply will not be either possible nor sensible to attain.

Travel.  I always wanted to travel, whilst I have done some there are certainly more places I would like to go, but like with all these things, money limits the ability to get there, and I have to keep hoping that I guess one day I will be lucky enough to see Spain, Memphis, Graceland, Chess Records etc

Find someone to love and who loves me and to have a family.  I wanted Christmas to be like it was when my Nan was alive and I was growing up every year.  I wanted to have birthday parties for my children where I would make chocolate crackles and fairy bread and play pin the tail on the donkey, all the stuff I recall being really fun about being a kid. 

I wanted to build sand cars with my children the way my dad did for me.  I wanted to see my father as a grandfather, I wanted to read to my children every night the way my dad did for me when I was growing up.

I did not expect to find myself in this situation at this stage of my life and in my “dark moments” I wonder if the ex was right……was I actually just born into a family that really should not be reproducing, and is the universe trying to tell me that by putting me in this place at this time….I am I not worthy of having a relationship that offers me any level of happiness and am I actually not really in a position to offer any other person anything that they would be attracted to or feel is worthwhile…..I don’t know.

Clearly my goals or, more appropriately termed my “vision” for the future is not something I can do on my own and I am at a loss as to how to make this happen and frankly feel it is not something I either have control or choice about.  My life as it is at the moment is….well, fine really, I don’t expect any more than I have now….

I make myself a rule that I must attend every speed dating or “singles event” that is reasonable, that being, that it is within my age range and fits with other commitments.  I also make myself attend at least 2 “dates” a week, but I must be fair and say it is normally more like 3, and whilst I have met some freaks I have also met some lovely people who I am happy to enjoy the company of but have no desire or intention of seeing again, certainly not in the romantic sense. 

“They” always say it will happen when you least expect it….perhaps “they” are right but I have come to expect that it may not, and probably WILL not happen for me, and each night I become more comfortable sleeping alone.