I have mentioned previously that I have been seeing a
shrink. Probably a good time to mention
yet again at this point that I call her my “shrink” but she is actually a
psychologist, not a psychiatrist and I attend these regular visits and shell
out large sums of money with the intention of self-improvement and not to
address some serious psychological illness.
As I have stated previously, I think the real “crazies” are those who
choose not to have certain “issues” (and we all have them!) addressed, so I certainly
don’t see my therapy as something to be ashamed of or secretive about.
Regardless of all of this, my latest task set by my shrink
has been to work out what my goals for the future are……..and interesting
question given that I have never really contemplated any such goals…..she asked
me to write down after visualising what my life would look like if I could
choose the way my life would be or to “look” in the future and from there we
can establish I guess what to work towards, given that I have and never have
had any actual “goals”.
So after spending the last 2 weeks thinking about this I
have come up with very little I must admit, and these are the things I have
given thought to:
I find it difficult to see myself in the future mainly
because I have always expected that I would die young, I have no idea why or
how but I have never seen myself getting older, probably not much older than 40
or 45 tops….the best way to explain this is that I had a dog called Hughie once
who was killed. When he died he took a
part of me with him that will never ever be replaced. I honestly felt like after I lost him that I
lost all hope of anything good ever lasting and the subsequent years have
proven that I was actually correct in my thinking there….but after he died I said
to my Dad that it was always a strange feeling with Hughie because I could
never see him as an older dog so it came really as no surprise to me that he
was killed, Dad agreed that he also had trouble visualising him being older, so
I felt like it perhaps wasn’t just me seeing things like this.
If I am honest about my “dreams” of what I wanted to be when
I grew up I would have to say that being a soul singer, like Aretha Franklin or
Stevie Nicks was one of my big hopes. I
also wanted to be a dancer, I watched and still watch movies like Footloose,
Dirty Dancing and Saturday Night Fever and dream of being in one of them….but
eventually reality sunk in and I realised that I could not sing and my dancing
abilities are somewhat questionable (although don’t always seem that way after
a few drinks). The reality is that no
amount of training or practice was ever going to give me these talents.
So if I cast my mind back to my “younger days” and try to
think of what my hopes, dreams, wishes and goals were, in a mildly more
realistic way….. before reality set in and I realised that the following were either not attainable, or did not bring
me the happiness or pleasure or even contentment I expected or hoped they would
I guess I would have to start with the fact that I wanted to ensure I was
educated, yep, tick that box…..sure there are probably more things I could do
in the future with regards to furthering my education but I have 3 degrees and
that’s probably enough for me at the moment, I don’t feel the need or desire to
continue at the moment.
Get the “job of my dreams”, well I don’t know about any of
my jobs and if they really lived up to expectations but I certainly had jobs I
enjoyed at the time and that gave me a great deal of satisfaction. I loved the feeling and challenges associated
with doing well at work and being promoted and getting loads of wins on the
board in the career sense.
This really died for me during several stages, firstly I found
the political environment to be very harsh and I took it quite personally when
projects and achievements of mine were dismissed when the Government of the day
(or if there was a change of Minister etc) had a new focus and refused to
continue funding to areas I felt important and was passionate about. I found the work environment to be completely
soul destroying, the people I worked for dishonest, lazy and generally stupid
at best – so my dreams of having a career in the public service where I would
make changes and do well came crashing down, coupled with my refusal to tow the
line meant that I was no chance of progressing further than I had already.
The next of my goals was to own my own home. Tick that
box. Been there done that, have the
t’shirt, but after owning a few homes I sold my last and realise that my financial
situation along with the market conditions as they are now and will continue to
be make it impossible for me to contemplate this as a wish or a goal as it
simply will not be either possible nor sensible to attain.
Travel. I always
wanted to travel, whilst I have done some there are certainly more places I
would like to go, but like with all these things, money limits the ability to
get there, and I have to keep hoping that I guess one day I will be lucky
enough to see Spain, Memphis, Graceland, Chess Records etc
Find someone to love and who loves me and to have a
family. I wanted Christmas to be like it
was when my Nan was alive and I was growing up every year. I wanted to have birthday parties for my
children where I would make chocolate crackles and fairy bread and play pin the
tail on the donkey, all the stuff I recall being really fun about being a
kid.
I wanted to build sand cars with my children the way my dad
did for me. I wanted to see my father as
a grandfather, I wanted to read to my children every night the way my dad did
for me when I was growing up.
I did not expect to find myself in this situation at this
stage of my life and in my “dark moments” I wonder if the ex was right……was I
actually just born into a family that really should not be reproducing, and is
the universe trying to tell me that by putting me in this place at this time….I
am I not worthy of having a relationship that offers me any level of happiness
and am I actually not really in a position to offer any other person anything
that they would be attracted to or feel is worthwhile…..I don’t know.
Clearly my goals or, more appropriately termed my “vision”
for the future is not something I can do on my own and I am at a loss as to how
to make this happen and frankly feel it is not something I either have control
or choice about. My life as it is at the
moment is….well, fine really, I don’t expect any more than I have now….
I make myself a rule that I must attend every speed dating
or “singles event” that is reasonable, that being, that it is within my age
range and fits with other commitments. I
also make myself attend at least 2 “dates” a week, but I must be fair and say
it is normally more like 3, and whilst I have met some freaks I have also met
some lovely people who I am happy to enjoy the company of but have no desire or
intention of seeing again, certainly not in the romantic sense.
“They” always say it will happen when you least expect it….perhaps
“they” are right but I have come to expect that it may not, and probably WILL
not happen for me, and each night I become more comfortable sleeping alone.
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