So given my long history or completly hating my Birthday I decided to take myself to Bali for a couple of weeks to get away from the reality of my life and also the reality of turning another year older. I decided on Bali for 3 reasons:
1) Its cheep
2) I have never been there
3) The woman who wrote 'Eat, Pray, Love' went there and a medicine mad healed her broken heart, so I figured he could also heal mine.
So I headed off to Bali after a couple of big nights drinking with Geraldine and her ever suffering husband Byron, I say eversuffering simply because he has to endure me being there with my emotional "condition" and my tears and my drinking and talking rubbish all the time and he endures it like a champion, as does Geraldine.....so after coming close to missing my flight because of an alcohol enduced coma I boarded my flight and was off.
On landing I wanted to be sick. The heat and humidity hit me and my hangover like a thick fog of reality and suddenly I was in another country. Shit. What the hell was I going to do now was all my mind could process.
I found my driver and headed towards Ubud, where the woman from 'Eat, Pray, Love' had stayed. I had no idea what I was doing in this place. I hadn't worked out what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, but driving into the place made me feel calm and collected and really quite at peace.
I settled into my hotel and found my way around and before I knew it the place felt like home. I really fell in love with the place and felt that I might never leave, and if I did, I most certainly would come back, many times. It just felt like home.
I started reading the booklist my shrink had given me many months before and started to annalyise my life and the things that had happened in the last year and even in the time before then and started to reconcile things in my mind. Most of all I started to accept a higher power. Not god or anything of a religious nature. Just the power of the universise to deliver things, good, and bad, and for these things not to be a coincidence or 'fate' as I had always explained them as before, but actual happenings for some greater reason, one that may take some time to discover. All of this was fine, to a point, but there was and still is so many things about this I am not sure I completely understand - I guess time will tell or I will work out that I belive in something different.
So sitting and eaating breakfast on my first morning in Ubud I got talking to one of the locals who works at the hotel I was staying in. He was young, very young, but cute and it seemed to me that he may be flirting with me, although I quickly dissmissed this as I realised that I was about to turn 33 years old and was more unattractive now than I have ever been in my life and could not posibly think what he could find with me that was worth flirting with.
He asked me many questions, the usual, where was I from, was I here alone, where was I going and who was I going with. He asked me if I was going to see Kutut, the local medicine mad who was made famouse by the recent phonominan of 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I was embarressed to tell him that I was indeed planning to get a few seconds of this wine mans time, but of course, it was only for fun. I didn't think it was worth mentioning that it ws really the main reason for my coming to his beautiful country!
His name was Abut and he was handsome. He was also quite charming and although I knew I shouldn't, I agreed to meet him at 11am the following day to go and see a medicine man that he promised would be so much better than the famous Kutut. He said Kutut was like a movie star now and simply inundated with people and had little time to spend with anyone. I didn't belive him. This was not the Kutut I had read about and seen in the movie!
Later that morning I was walking around, well further than around, quite a waay out of town, I was walking through villages and seeing things that bought back memories of my honeymoon with my ex-husband. I figured it was just the fact that I had not been in Asia for so long that basicallially everything looked the same, but it didn't at the same time, it all looked so wsonderful in the hills of Bali. Ubud, I decided, was one hell of a beautiful place, especially if you got up early befor the humidity!
I had seem a dog on my way out of town. Well I had seen many, but this dog needed help. It was sick as could be and skinny and its eyes had rotted in its head from the infection. I cried just seeing it and told myself at the time that I would just have to deal with that if I was going to enjoy this place because I had heard that dogs are not treated well here.
On my walk back from seeing many wonderful things I once again came accross this same dog. I couldn't leave it this time though. I felt that I had to do something for it and I just didn't know what.
I went to the closest 7-11 type store and searched the isles for something to feed it. I found a small can of corned beef and bought it for about 2 cents and took it outside. I was scared the dog would be gone but he was still there. I opened the can and scraped the food out with my finger and he ate it with such furosity that I cried at how hungry he was.
I wanted help for the dog and was approached by a local taxi driver who offered to help. We tried to catch him and put him in the taxi but the dog was so sick and crazy from its illness that there was no persuading it.
The taxi driver offered to drive me to the animal welfare where he assured me I could find someone who would help and perhaps I could organise an ambulance for the dog. I was sceptical buit agreed. I had nothing else to do for the afternoon and hell, I had to try, I couldn't live with muself if I just left the poor thing here to die a slow death.
I drove with the txi driver to the animal welfare place and walked in and was greated by an amazingly tall man, a vet, crouched down and washing two little puppies who were suffering a horrible skin condition, one that is all too common in Bali.
He was busy and yet spoke to me without annoyance or frustration and was at that time, and in my eyes, a simply amazing man. He was calm and patient and accepting of this situation or horrific circumstance and yet wanting to help. I felt instantly the same. I organised an ambulance for the dog I had found and come here to find help for and then offered to volunteer my time to help these beautiful animals. I left with a smile on my face and felt that perhaps there was a reason I had come to bali after all.
Friday, January 21, 2011
The New Year
Well it has been some time since my last installment - I blame that on more upheaval in my life and the presence on the most destructive depression I have ever experienced which rendered me unable to find the appropriate words for basically anything.
After moving out of my uncles house - another disaster for another blog - I moved in with a mutual friend of mine and the ex's. The thing that made this ok really was that firstly he was largely a last resort and also this bloke hates the ex, always has, always has, although has managed to socialise with him and be civil, but I knew when I rung him and told him I was really desperate for somewhere to live because the relationship with the ex was over, he would help me. He did and I will be forever in his debt, even though it was not the best of living arrangements......again, another blog for another day.
So that makes 7 moves in 12 months........not bad for someone who hates moving and has a phobia of not having somewhere permanent to live and call home.
My 8th move came a week before Christmas. It happened suddenly and was all down to the shear tenacity and determination of my friend Geraldine who, whilst I was searching for rentals online one Friday afternoon after we had finished work. We spotted a place around the corner from her home and she rung, spoke to the agent (pretending she was me) and within 2 minutes we were out the door and on our way to look at the place. It was fantastic and perfect in every way. By the morning of the following Monday the house was mine with a large (but refundable) bond because of the 2 crazy dogs.
The move was frantic and crazy and due to the large house I was moving to, there was much that needed to be purchased, and yet a constant nagging feeling that I wished I wasn't doing this because I had always thought I would eventually go "home".
We purchased furniture and organised movers and filled cars and trailers and within only a short time I had a new home. I was more than content to leave it at that and just let things sit in boxes and furniture be in places that looked silly, but Geraldine wouldn't have it. She organised the place and made it feel like home.
Christmas came and went without any fuss or anything to mention. It was filled with sadness and memories I would rather forget - and also the news of my dear friend Tim, also an ex from long ago who has been battling cancer, having less than 6 months to live. This was hard to handle but seemed not to be all that real just then.
He was tired and in terrible health, but the end seemed so much further away and there seemed to be so much more time - and actually, I just don't deal with this stuff very well and was happy enough to ignore it, at least for now, although I had my moments of 'everyone always leaves me' - and you know what - they seem to do just that!
So the time was spent mainly alone, thinking about all that I had lost and where I felt I 'really should be' in my life and who I should be with at this time when everyone else seemed to be so happy and I felt like I was just dead inside, and yet still full of the most horrific pain I had ever felt.
New Years Eve came and went after falling asleep on the couch at 10.30pm and missing the whole thing - I was pleased to have rolled myself a joint that would put a whole suburb to sleep for a week, so waking up the following day was actually a great deal less painful than having to sit there and watch the clock strike midnight on my own.
I watched a program earlier that day that recommended that even if you have no one to kiss on New Years Eve you should kiss your dog, because kissing in itself is good luck no matter who you kiss - I kissed my dogs when I woke up, but I do that everyday anyway and I am not sure that it has ever bought me that much luck - although it has made me extremely happy to do so as they never refuse kisses and are always happy to give and receive and they never hate you, even if you get drunk and forget to feed them every so often!
This period was pure misery for me. I have never wanted anything else in my life but a happy family. I have never had it, not really anyway, although Nan always did her best and those days will always be happy ones for me - but the only really happy Christmas I ever had was last year with the ex and the scraps of my family that still remain. It was blissful and truly filled with joy. A day I will honestly never forget.
I was upset in the lead up to Christmas about spending it once again, alone and someone said to me 'if you don't have a family, make your own' words that I am sure were meant to comfort and inspire but only served to sting even harder, because yes, that was the plan. We were meant to create a family, but that dream was over and at Christmas, it was more real that it had been before.
I knew that if we spent Christmas apart that there would be no way of going back. No way of recovering what I thought we had, at some point. It hurt that he didn't care about that and didn't care about the fact that I had always put so much into Christmas - and that I would be on my own this year and that we would never spend a Christmas together again. Yes that hurt a great deal. More than the months apart.
The New Year bought for me a time of great reflection on the year that had proceeded. I thought about where I was and what I was doing 'this time last year' - a habit I really need to get out of - but one that also brings about a great learning experience, if you let it.
Last year was the year my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. I sold my house, a thing more precious to me than life itself and when it was gone, I actually simply did not want to live anymore. I sold it and hung onto the dream of creating a family with a man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me, I believed that selling the house was a way of showing him that I was ready to commit, and ready to be with him without my retreat. I made a terrible financial mistake that caused us to have 'time apart' which was always going to be temporary and then, just became permanent, and I really am not sure when. A year when everything I thought I was and had worked to become suddenly became completely insignificant and completely turned upside down.
So with all that in mind, I did nothing but miss him. Everything about him. I missed his laugh, his eyes, his arms, his kiss and the complete and utter happiness that being with him bought me. It was not until later that I realised that I was still deluding myself about him and what that situation had delivered for me.
After moving out of my uncles house - another disaster for another blog - I moved in with a mutual friend of mine and the ex's. The thing that made this ok really was that firstly he was largely a last resort and also this bloke hates the ex, always has, always has, although has managed to socialise with him and be civil, but I knew when I rung him and told him I was really desperate for somewhere to live because the relationship with the ex was over, he would help me. He did and I will be forever in his debt, even though it was not the best of living arrangements......again, another blog for another day.
So that makes 7 moves in 12 months........not bad for someone who hates moving and has a phobia of not having somewhere permanent to live and call home.
My 8th move came a week before Christmas. It happened suddenly and was all down to the shear tenacity and determination of my friend Geraldine who, whilst I was searching for rentals online one Friday afternoon after we had finished work. We spotted a place around the corner from her home and she rung, spoke to the agent (pretending she was me) and within 2 minutes we were out the door and on our way to look at the place. It was fantastic and perfect in every way. By the morning of the following Monday the house was mine with a large (but refundable) bond because of the 2 crazy dogs.
The move was frantic and crazy and due to the large house I was moving to, there was much that needed to be purchased, and yet a constant nagging feeling that I wished I wasn't doing this because I had always thought I would eventually go "home".
We purchased furniture and organised movers and filled cars and trailers and within only a short time I had a new home. I was more than content to leave it at that and just let things sit in boxes and furniture be in places that looked silly, but Geraldine wouldn't have it. She organised the place and made it feel like home.
Christmas came and went without any fuss or anything to mention. It was filled with sadness and memories I would rather forget - and also the news of my dear friend Tim, also an ex from long ago who has been battling cancer, having less than 6 months to live. This was hard to handle but seemed not to be all that real just then.
He was tired and in terrible health, but the end seemed so much further away and there seemed to be so much more time - and actually, I just don't deal with this stuff very well and was happy enough to ignore it, at least for now, although I had my moments of 'everyone always leaves me' - and you know what - they seem to do just that!
So the time was spent mainly alone, thinking about all that I had lost and where I felt I 'really should be' in my life and who I should be with at this time when everyone else seemed to be so happy and I felt like I was just dead inside, and yet still full of the most horrific pain I had ever felt.
New Years Eve came and went after falling asleep on the couch at 10.30pm and missing the whole thing - I was pleased to have rolled myself a joint that would put a whole suburb to sleep for a week, so waking up the following day was actually a great deal less painful than having to sit there and watch the clock strike midnight on my own.
I watched a program earlier that day that recommended that even if you have no one to kiss on New Years Eve you should kiss your dog, because kissing in itself is good luck no matter who you kiss - I kissed my dogs when I woke up, but I do that everyday anyway and I am not sure that it has ever bought me that much luck - although it has made me extremely happy to do so as they never refuse kisses and are always happy to give and receive and they never hate you, even if you get drunk and forget to feed them every so often!
This period was pure misery for me. I have never wanted anything else in my life but a happy family. I have never had it, not really anyway, although Nan always did her best and those days will always be happy ones for me - but the only really happy Christmas I ever had was last year with the ex and the scraps of my family that still remain. It was blissful and truly filled with joy. A day I will honestly never forget.
I was upset in the lead up to Christmas about spending it once again, alone and someone said to me 'if you don't have a family, make your own' words that I am sure were meant to comfort and inspire but only served to sting even harder, because yes, that was the plan. We were meant to create a family, but that dream was over and at Christmas, it was more real that it had been before.
I knew that if we spent Christmas apart that there would be no way of going back. No way of recovering what I thought we had, at some point. It hurt that he didn't care about that and didn't care about the fact that I had always put so much into Christmas - and that I would be on my own this year and that we would never spend a Christmas together again. Yes that hurt a great deal. More than the months apart.
The New Year bought for me a time of great reflection on the year that had proceeded. I thought about where I was and what I was doing 'this time last year' - a habit I really need to get out of - but one that also brings about a great learning experience, if you let it.
Last year was the year my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. I sold my house, a thing more precious to me than life itself and when it was gone, I actually simply did not want to live anymore. I sold it and hung onto the dream of creating a family with a man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me, I believed that selling the house was a way of showing him that I was ready to commit, and ready to be with him without my retreat. I made a terrible financial mistake that caused us to have 'time apart' which was always going to be temporary and then, just became permanent, and I really am not sure when. A year when everything I thought I was and had worked to become suddenly became completely insignificant and completely turned upside down.
So with all that in mind, I did nothing but miss him. Everything about him. I missed his laugh, his eyes, his arms, his kiss and the complete and utter happiness that being with him bought me. It was not until later that I realised that I was still deluding myself about him and what that situation had delivered for me.
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