Faith in Humanity

Over the last few years my faith in humanity has certainly been challenged.  I have been hurt by the people I loved and trusted the most and this has certainly caused me to doubt my sense of worth but also has caused me to be very selective about who I share my time with but most importantly who I share my thoughts and feelings with.
Recently whilst enduring one of the many speed dating events I attend I met someone who I didn't really think a huge amount of but decided to "tick yes" to anyway because I liked his eyes and his teeth.  Yep, I am actually that superficial.  As it turns out he didn't really think a great deal of me either but for some reason he also "ticked yes" which means our email contacts were exchanged and as a result he contacted me, we went on a date which I expected to last no more than an hour which is generally how long they last, but this one went on much longer and before I knew it we had spent close to 5 hours together and I really enjoyed his company.
We started seeing each other on a fairly regular basis and whilst I didn't consider this to be overly serious I started to like him the more I got to know him.  He opened up to me quite a bit and shared very personal details of his life which has been no walk in the park for him.
Whilst I was feeling very much like I was reserving my judgement on him and the situation and any feelings for him I really liked the time we spent together and must admit that a small level of attachment was forming. 
Most people who don't know me very well think that my life is an "open book" that I share anything with anyone because I am blunt and say things that perhaps others wouldn't but those who know me best know that this is only a front and that I actually share very little with most people - of the stuff that really matters.  He started to figure this out fairly quickly and was continually asking me to share something personal with him, anything, just something that mattered and that I don't tell other people.  I got sick of refusing and after sharing a few hours of fairly amazing intimacy I cracked under the pressure and shared a small and extremely brief amount of the circumstances, hurt, loss and pain I have felt, leaving out any level of detail at all.
His reaction at the time was wonderful.  He was reassuring, comforting, accepting and loving in a way I don't think I have ever experienced before.  The evening ended, I went home and within a few days he contacted me to organise a time to have a "chat" which I knew immediately meant he wanted to end it.  I told him that there was no need for the conversation but regardless we had it and as expected he drew things to a conclusion.
Whilst I am not and was not surprised I was annoyed with myself for not trusting my instincts and keeping things to myself.  But then I started to think about that and I have to say that going forward it would not be an easy facade to maintain.  If you want to be close to someone, really understand them and know them and have an intimate relationship with them then at some point some level of sharing is surly necessary??!  And it seems to me that at this age there is enough baggage between two people that unless these this are out in the open at some point then we really don't have any hope of forming new relationships once our marriages or serious long-term relationships end.
The situation certainly has made me reconsider my ability to enter into a relationship of any kind, albeit casual dating which this situation certainly was - but anything more than sex is probably out of the question for me for now and I have certainly called a halt to any dating of any kind, as I really don't think I will be able to trust anyone again for quite some time as mine has been broken a few too many times of late.
However I also had an experience that turned my faith in humanity around a little.  Such contrasts in such a short space of time.
I went to a birthday party for a friend who was celebrating with a bunch of people I have had little or no contact with since the big break up with the ex some time ago.  I knew he would be there but expected he would turn up later so as reluctant as I was to attend I thought if I go early and leave shortly after I may be lucky enough to miss him.  I was wrong, he was there before me and we were the only guests for quite some time.
As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with him being there as we really didn't interact and as old friends turned up and their greetings were warm and friendly I felt more than happy to stay on and abandoned my plan to make an early exit.
As the night wore on and people were chatting to me, despite my feeling uncomfortable being there, embarrassed really about what had happened between the ex and I, feeling foolish that he had found someone to replace me before I moved out and then took her to be a part of this group of friends so quickly as if I had never mattered or existed (which I know in his world I hadn't) and the resentment I felt towards these people who had in my eyes stood by and said nothing and done nothing as if they thought this was ok, it started to become clear to me that these people or at least many of them didn't feel that way.
Without me saying anything many of them approached me telling me how great it was to see me and how they had been unhappy that he had done what he did to me and that they really disapproved of his behavior and of his relationship with this girl, they also said they thought he had made a huge mistake - and I must say that did make me feel a little good about myself - but mainly I felt really welcomed and like I didn't need to feel the shame I had been carrying around with me for so long, for it is not me who should be ashamed at all.
My faith in people was somewhat restored during this time.  Feeling pleased that people wanted to speak to me, wanted to share their thoughts and feelings about things with me and making me feel welcome and loved was a really nice experience.
As the evening wore on and the effects of drugs and alcohol kicked in things became heated between the ex and I in what might have been seen as him becoming a little jealous of a man I met during the evening.  Although this was the interpretation given to me by many who witnessed things I didn't and don't agree.  He is a man deeply in love with someone else and despite her not being there that evening it has become more and more clear that they have a deep connection far beyond anything I ever imagined between us.
There was a moment during the evening when he hugged me and kissed me on the head and with my arms around him for a few sweet moments it once again felt right, like its the only place in the world I feel happy safe and complete, but then I have to walk away and remind myself that its not real, and even if it was he will never get her out of his life, not completely.  He will always hold a torch for her and I will never be able to complete and he will never want to work at earning my trust back even if he said it was over between them.
So whilst my faith once again in relationships with men of an intimate nature was damaged I can honestly say that my faith in good friends was restored beyond what I thought was possible.

Goals, dreams, hopes...whatever

I have mentioned previously that I have been seeing a shrink.  Probably a good time to mention yet again at this point that I call her my “shrink” but she is actually a psychologist, not a psychiatrist and I attend these regular visits and shell out large sums of money with the intention of self-improvement and not to address some serious psychological illness.  As I have stated previously, I think the real “crazies” are those who choose not to have certain “issues” (and we all have them!) addressed, so I certainly don’t see my therapy as something to be ashamed of or secretive about.

  

Regardless of all of this, my latest task set by my shrink has been to work out what my goals for the future are……..and interesting question given that I have never really contemplated any such goals…..she asked me to write down after visualising what my life would look like if I could choose the way my life would be or to “look” in the future and from there we can establish I guess what to work towards, given that I have and never have had any actual “goals”.

So after spending the last 2 weeks thinking about this I have come up with very little I must admit, and these are the things I have given thought to:

I find it difficult to see myself in the future mainly because I have always expected that I would die young, I have no idea why or how but I have never seen myself getting older, probably not much older than 40 or 45 tops….the best way to explain this is that I had a dog called Hughie once who was killed.  When he died he took a part of me with him that will never ever be replaced.  I honestly felt like after I lost him that I lost all hope of anything good ever lasting and the subsequent years have proven that I was actually correct in my thinking there….but after he died I said to my Dad that it was always a strange feeling with Hughie because I could never see him as an older dog so it came really as no surprise to me that he was killed, Dad agreed that he also had trouble visualising him being older, so I felt like it perhaps wasn’t just me seeing things like this.

If I am honest about my “dreams” of what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have to say that being a soul singer, like Aretha Franklin or Stevie Nicks was one of my big hopes.  I also wanted to be a dancer, I watched and still watch movies like Footloose, Dirty Dancing and Saturday Night Fever and dream of being in one of them….but eventually reality sunk in and I realised that I could not sing and my dancing abilities are somewhat questionable (although don’t always seem that way after a few drinks).  The reality is that no amount of training or practice was ever going to give me these talents.

So if I cast my mind back to my “younger days” and try to think of what my hopes, dreams, wishes and goals were, in a mildly more realistic way….. before reality set in and I realised that the following  were either not attainable, or did not bring me the happiness or pleasure or even contentment I expected or hoped they would I guess I would have to start with the fact that I wanted to ensure I was educated, yep, tick that box…..sure there are probably more things I could do in the future with regards to furthering my education but I have 3 degrees and that’s probably enough for me at the moment, I don’t feel the need or desire to continue at the moment.

Get the “job of my dreams”, well I don’t know about any of my jobs and if they really lived up to expectations but I certainly had jobs I enjoyed at the time and that gave me a great deal of satisfaction.  I loved the feeling and challenges associated with doing well at work and being promoted and getting loads of wins on the board in the career sense.

This really died for me during several stages, firstly I found the political environment to be very harsh and I took it quite personally when projects and achievements of mine were dismissed when the Government of the day (or if there was a change of Minister etc) had a new focus and refused to continue funding to areas I felt important and was passionate about.  I found the work environment to be completely soul destroying, the people I worked for dishonest, lazy and generally stupid at best – so my dreams of having a career in the public service where I would make changes and do well came crashing down, coupled with my refusal to tow the line meant that I was no chance of progressing further than I had already.

The next of my goals was to own my own home. Tick that box.  Been there done that, have the t’shirt, but after owning a few homes I sold my last and realise that my financial situation along with the market conditions as they are now and will continue to be make it impossible for me to contemplate this as a wish or a goal as it simply will not be either possible nor sensible to attain.

Travel.  I always wanted to travel, whilst I have done some there are certainly more places I would like to go, but like with all these things, money limits the ability to get there, and I have to keep hoping that I guess one day I will be lucky enough to see Spain, Memphis, Graceland, Chess Records etc

Find someone to love and who loves me and to have a family.  I wanted Christmas to be like it was when my Nan was alive and I was growing up every year.  I wanted to have birthday parties for my children where I would make chocolate crackles and fairy bread and play pin the tail on the donkey, all the stuff I recall being really fun about being a kid. 

I wanted to build sand cars with my children the way my dad did for me.  I wanted to see my father as a grandfather, I wanted to read to my children every night the way my dad did for me when I was growing up.

I did not expect to find myself in this situation at this stage of my life and in my “dark moments” I wonder if the ex was right……was I actually just born into a family that really should not be reproducing, and is the universe trying to tell me that by putting me in this place at this time….I am I not worthy of having a relationship that offers me any level of happiness and am I actually not really in a position to offer any other person anything that they would be attracted to or feel is worthwhile…..I don’t know.

Clearly my goals or, more appropriately termed my “vision” for the future is not something I can do on my own and I am at a loss as to how to make this happen and frankly feel it is not something I either have control or choice about.  My life as it is at the moment is….well, fine really, I don’t expect any more than I have now….

I make myself a rule that I must attend every speed dating or “singles event” that is reasonable, that being, that it is within my age range and fits with other commitments.  I also make myself attend at least 2 “dates” a week, but I must be fair and say it is normally more like 3, and whilst I have met some freaks I have also met some lovely people who I am happy to enjoy the company of but have no desire or intention of seeing again, certainly not in the romantic sense. 

“They” always say it will happen when you least expect it….perhaps “they” are right but I have come to expect that it may not, and probably WILL not happen for me, and each night I become more comfortable sleeping alone.

The Search

During my late teens and early 20's I generally always had a boyfriend, they may not always have lasted very long, some longer than others of course, but meeting men was always fairly easy. I met my husband, we were together for close to 8 years and even during that time, whilst I am not at all proud of it, I met other men as well. Oh god, when I look back and think about what a wasted opportunity that was, he was a great guy, I should have treated him with much more respect and I should never have let him go - all I can say is that I was young, far far too young, I had no idea about life and I always felt like I wanted to be with him forever but yet was in some way held back and not able to experience everything I wanted to if we were together, so whilst I regret that we are not together now, I also feel that if we had have met when I was a bit older it would have been quite different.
Anyway, in my late 20's I was once again single and whilst I missed the intimacy of having a partner I certainly didn't find good men to be in short supply. Sadly I have since then wasted 5 years on a roller-coaster of a relationship ride with someone who I fell madly in love with, believed was my "soul mate" and left me feeling that I had spent my entire life "looking for love in all the wrong places"! only to find that he in fact felt nothing for me at all - what a waste of my best and most "fertile" years!
So I now find myself in the hardest category of all when it comes to being single - over (almost) 35. Well I have no statistics to back me up on it being the "hardest", but I can say from experience it is certainly tough out there! Whilst I have dated a few people over the past couple of years, some of them I have dated for longer than others, it has really only been the last 6 months when I have felt that the pressure is on to "make it happen" - the pressure being more a sense of me needing to become more active in my search I guess, and to stop thinking that "it will happen" - because the reality is that when you get to my age IT WON'T! Not without MAKING IT HAPPEN!
I think there are many reasons for this, as we get older we get more comfortable and tend to approach people less, so I do find that there are less advances made at the bar, or in the pub etc. There are also smaller social groups, where there were once 20 of my friends at the pub there is perhaps only 5 or 10 and they don't bring their single friends anymore because they don't have any! They are all married and living in suburbs I have never heard the name of! But I also think that broadly its a social trend that people are less inclined to interact with each other, we interact in person less with those we know and love, we send emails, text messages etc rather than calling in to see them or ringing them on the phone, so we carry that social trend into other parts of our lives, like when we go out, we are less inclined to even know how to interact with new people we meet.
But it is also just harder making friends when you get older, I remember making friends at school where you would just ask someone if they would be your best friend, they would agree and that was deal done. Now things seem so much more complicated and it all seems like so much hard work, and for someone like myself who never cared at all about going out and "picking up", because I would much rather have just sat there and enjoyed the company of my friends, it seems like its near on impossible to meet a romantic interest in this purist organic manner.
So, the first thing one does in my situation is to become a member of the dating websites RSVP and Adultmatchmaker - both of which have extremely different "clientele". RSVP is more for the desperate singles and Adutmatchmaker is more for the sexually deprived, both have their advantages and both are worth signing up to because between the hideous dates you have to endure courtesy of RSVP you may actually just need to have some sex, which is where Adultmatchmaker comes in.
I have been on more RSVP dates than what I have time or energy to write about in the last 12 months, but I can summarise by saying that it is very rare to find that someone is in real life as they present online - this may come as not much of a shock to those who have not tried this before, but I can tell you that sometimes the things people hide can be quite shocking and present some serious challenges to even stay seated for the first drink on the first date, let alone considering seeing them again!
As an example, I met a bloke who seemed nice, good looking etc, agreed to meet for a drink. We exchanged phone numbers after agreeing to meet and I received a constant stream of text messages and phone calls (which I did not answer) prior to the date "confirming" which made me actually want to "unconfirm" and tell him to bugger off, however against my better judgement I met him anyway, he was not good looking and he had a strange desire to keep grabbing at my legs after only having met him for a few moments I found this to be strange and something I was certainly not keen to continue with so I left.
This is the other thing I have developed - a very keen sense of when it is time to call it quits! I am a strong believer in not sitting it out more than you need to, being honest and just saying it like it is - I now no longer sit there all night wishing I could click my ruby shoes together and think of "home" I simply say 'thanks for the drink/evening/dinner I'm going to call it a night' - and I need to stress that there needs to be no hesitation at this point, they will be shocked but the key is to not allow them to say a single word, you just have to get up and leave IMMEDIATELY!
Speed Dating and other singles events are the other avenue I have been exploring recently - proud to say that I was made an "elite" member of the Speed Dating club after a recent event where I actually worked out very quickly that the only way I was going to endure the evening, and have any chance of enjoying it after seeing what was on offer was to drink an absolute truckload of booze and become a huge smart arse - now to become an "elite" member you need to have more than 70% of the male participants select that they would like to see you again - I was rude to them all, including the only one decent bloke who was in attendance that evening (who I went out with after for a few drinks and had a shocking follow up date with) - so this is basically telling of how desperate these poor sods are - I was rude and drunk and clearly not interested in any of them yet they thought I would be good for a second date!! What??!!
I also recently attended a singles cocktail function, this was for over 30's, in a bar and was significantly less expensive than the Speed Dating events so my friend and I thought we would give it a go. It was beyond bad. Not only did I recognise many men, and some woman from Speed Dating events, I also found that the women were nasty and the men were shocking. We scoured the room for anything decent and after realising it was another night where I would be going home alone, without the possibility of someone having taken my phone number and with years of regret lingering I decided once again to let loose and get drunk.
I spent the evening talking with men who need to take a serious look at themselves. Their grooming was highly questionable, their choice of attire was at best bizarre and the conversation incredibly bleak.
It is really quite amazing to me how many single men live in suburbs I have never heard of, and places I imagine only the struggling family type venture for a "better life" like Berwick - now seriously, what on earth would a single man be doing living in such a place??!! Does he really think that by buying a 6 bedroom "Simonnds Special" home with a 4 car garage on a quarter acre block mean that he will be ready when "Miss Right"comes along to fill it with their children??!! I have no desire to hear about their home, swimming pool or any other of the bogan suburban hidden luxuries in a joint like that, I certainly have no desire to commute that kind of distance for a courtship and if this is the kind of life these people are after then I will opt out, stay on my own and live with my dogs in Richmond thanks very much!
This particular event was fantastic for people watching - because it sure as hell was no good for anything else! Even if I was a bloke I would have to be honest and say that other than my friend and I , there was not much on offer! The women were trying to act sophisticated and interesting and when they were in the loo they spoke like desperate tramps. The men were nervous but were in their element because they knew they would be unlikely to be knocked back.
One bloke who decided to position himself next to me I had pointed out to my friend earlier, laughing at him and wondering if he was actually "all there" - he had a shaved head all hair gone except for a small patch at the back of his head where he had managed to grow a blonde "rats tail" which he had platted and was about 9inch long. It was so ridiculous I laughed out loud when I saw it.
But like a magnet to mad people he found me and sat himself next to me. Before he got comfortable I told him that in no universe or timezone would I ever sleep with him yet he stayed, like a skid mark on your best undies, this bloke was not going to leave. Finally I went off to find myself another drink and decided that I would go and have a smoke - what the hell I thought, I never smoke at those things as I actually don't want to meet a smoker, don't want anyone to smell it on me and actually plan to give up so I can have healthy children - but blow me down, blonde rats tail was outside smoking as well....he seemed to this this was fate intervening in some way and even after being extremely rude to this bloke he still propositioned me with 'come on, you know whats going on between us here' - I replied with 'yeah, you are making me sick and I'm going home' and I left, wishing I had made more of my opportunities in my best years - early 30's and thinking that I deserve better luck with my upcoming RSVP dates after enduring this!

A Valuable Lesson

In my last blog I wrote about an affair I have been having with a man who is married. I also wrote about how I have also recently been seeing the ex and that he had told me some things about his relationship with the girl he left me for that were not pleasant to hear, mainly that he was wanting to continue a relationship with her once she returned from Europe because of her loving, functional and wealthy family, and how it was out of the question that anything could be maintained between us because my family situation is so completely opposite to this.
He read that blog and has ceased contact with me because of it.  Not because of what was said about his relationship with the girl he left me for, but because of his anger and complete loss of respect for me that I allowed myself to get involved with a man who is married, and to be fair, he fully admits that this is completely hypocritical on his behalf because he has done this himself - many times.
Its probably worth mentioning that my reasons for becoming involved with this man were completely and utterly selfish and self-indulgent. I have been angry at the "sister-hood" for doing this to me for so many years and on so many occasions, and I wanted revenge of sorts (although this mans wife has certainly never done anything to me, and certainly has not done anything to deserve any upheaval I have caused....although to my knowledge there has been none within their relationship).  But mainly I wanted to feel good about myself.  Its hard to admit that this was the driver for my involvement but its true.  I spent so long feeling so bad about myself after the ex and I ended, and every time he came into my life again even briefly he left and I felt even worse, yet again and I wanted to feel better, even if it was only for a short time.
Every date I have been on, every time I have started seeing someone it has ended and I have again felt the waves of self-loathing wash over me once again, and seeing someone who was married, who I had no exceptions of and I knew from the beginning what the outcome would be was a "safe" and a selfish way to make myself feel good.  And it worked, at least on that level. It didn't make me feel good that I was doing it, on a moral level it completely flies in the face of who I am and what I believe it is and try to maintain a position of conducting myself with dignity, integrity and trying to be a good person.  It was a selfish and shameful act and it will not happen again.
For the last few years I have been seeing a therapist, yeah, call me crazy if you like, but I have been on a genuine mission of self-improvement, and on many levels it has helped tremendously.  I wanted to "clear out the demons" of a range of traumatic incidents in my life and work towards making myself a better person and ensure that when the ex and I started the family we were planning I could be the best partner and the best parent I could possibly be.  As it turned out, he left me and I continued with therapy to help me get through this, yet another very traumatic time in my life, but the goal was always the same - self-improvement.
I believe that no matter how "functional" a persons life may appear from the outside, no matter if the family unit remains intact and even financial circumstances are completely glorious - there is still room for self-improvement and there are always levels of dysfunction that exist within a family and an individual and at times we could all use the exchange of $150 bucks an hour for the time of a professional to point out how we might do better, treat people better or make our interactions with others more meaningful - and ultimately more likely to go the distance, in the case of maintaining a long-term relationship, which, it is no understatement to say, is a difficult thing to do at times -m so call me crazy for seeing a "shrink" if you like, but I think the real "crazies" are the people who don't think they need one!
I have grown and evolved during my period of time with my "shrink".  I certainly do many things better and the improvement I have achieved in the relationships within my family have been quite remarkable.  But at times I still stumble and this time I fell.  Lets be honest, I didn't just fall, I fell from great heights and grazed, cut up and bruised every single part of my body.
Whilst things have been good during this time I have been seeing the ex, we have maintained a position of friends, enjoying each others company, great sex and with a complete understanding that this was in no way "committed", I have been more than happy to see what happens, not get too emotionally involved and really just live in the moment (something that would have been difficult for me to maintain pre-therapy), when he shared the details of his thoughts regarding my family situation and this being his reason for not ever being able to be with me long-term, even though it was not the long-term thing that bothered me, I was saddened and defensive.  I digested the information with a bitter taste in my mouth and the constant occurrence of reflux, which I maintained control over until we had a small and very recoverable disagreement last weekend, at which time I, after not sleeping for many many consecutive nights (due to the bitter taste and reflux), I wrote my previous blog, I wrote it as a complete expression of my feeling that this was so completely and utterly unfair that I was yet again being cast aside despite my good qualities because of my family.
I wrote that blog because I hoped he would read it and I hoped it would hurt him as much if not more than the things he had said about my family had hurt me. I am not sure that I actually achieved my "goal" of hurting him, but I have discovered that I have done worse than that, I have disappointed him and lost his respect.  So I have hurt myself far more than I ever have the capacity to hurt him.
The truth, as I have been able reflect on my actions (with the benefit of what I have learned from all those sessions of $150 an hour therapy) is that I once again undermined a situation that was bringing me pleasure for the purpose of completing a self-fulfilling prophesy.  I was maintaining a position of relative unemotional involvement, yet it was making me happy and I expected it to end.  I expected that when this girl he left me for returned from her European holiday I would once again be cast to the scrap heap in favor a someone who was lucky enough to not be raised in my family.  I did this deliberately to ensure that I could not be hurt, or that if I was to be hurt, it would happen sooner rather than later so I could get it over and done with and return to the "norm" - where life is steady, predictable and without hope happiness everlasting.
Its a defense mechanism I have developed so that I can maintain a position of 'see, I knew this would happen', expecting the worst every single time rather than actually just waiting to see what happens.
When "crunch time" hit and it all came out and was revealed I actually felt a sense of relief.  I had stopped "it" from going any further with the ex than it had so I felt like I had saved myself a huge amount of time, effort and what I ultimately what I expected would be hurt.
On reflection, and in the light of a new day I am disappointed with myself. I am ashamed of my involvement with a married man and I am ashamed of the fact that I used this to end what was a completely contented situation with the ex, that may or may not have gone on to become something more.  I genuinely had no expectations of it going anywhere and I would have been more than happy for it to have continued on for years without the demands of any level of "commitment" or anything else of that nature.  I was just enjoying him and that was enough.
During the time I have been spending with him I have maintained a commitment to online dating, speed dating and the like and have been on many sad and unsatisfying dates and had many boring and uninteresting conversations with many men who whilst they might be nice people, were clearly not for me.  I have maintained my commitment to finding someone new for two main reasons, one, that the ex and I agreed that we were in no way committed to each other and that either of us at any time may find someone else, but secondly because I, in so many ways have considered the last 5 years of my life with (and often without) the ex as a complete waste of time and energy - why would I possibly want to be with someone who is difficult, who doesn't appreciate me, who nags, is annoying, unreliable, who has only ever taken me out for dinner on one single occasion, who has never bought me flowers or a gift "just because", who has never taken me away for a romantic weekend or a holiday (other than when we needed to go away for weekends to get km's up on the car to avoid tax and when he wanted someone to drive over 2 states with to look after some children at the other end) or done anything that to the outside world and on paper makes him seem in any way romantic or decent and I had really hoped during this time that I would find someone who would do all of those things.
At times it has upset me and made me feel so sad and much less than anything that ever meant anything to him that he has been this way with me and yet with others he has dated, including the girl he left me for, he makes so much more effort to impress.  But then there is another part of me that knows that these things don't come naturally to him, and that actually they really mean very little or nothing to me either so I know that these things are not what was important to me (or to him) about whatever it was that we had.....and I am still not completely sure of what that was.  But getting a text from him with nothing more than kisses on it was enough to fill me with all the happiness that flowers, dinners, gifts and weekends away could have. 
What I have enjoyed about being with the ex is the complete lack of effort it requires to be with him and enjoy his company.  I will miss that. I will miss the way that we could spend time together with few words exchanged but yet I felt like the other part of my body was in the room when he was there.  I have loved the fact that neither of us has had to go to any effort to make the other one feel good - its the ease of things with him, and knowing that it wont be like this (so easy and requiring no effort) with others that makes me sad that it has ended.
It has certainly become clear to me over the last few months that my feelings towards him have changed quite considerable. I am not in love with him in a way that I once was - that feeling that you ache when the person is not around, where it is an all consuming love that makes it hard to think about doing anything than just being with that person, and a gripping fear that they will leave.  I love him now with a sense of respect and loyalty, of knowing all his flaws, faults and failings but loving him anyway knowing he is a good, a great human being, where affection can be given and received without the feeling that it needs to be constant for it to have meaning, where making dinner or doing anything for him is not driven by a desire to impress but to show care and the desire to, if possible make life easier or more enjoyable for him.  But I guess its also the type of love where his respect for me was more important than constant attention or adoration - and it is this that I feel most sad about losing, and I guess I will always wonder "what might have been" under different circumstances because I think its the kind of love that is more enduring than the passion fueled and less mature love.  Its the kind of stuff that sees you forgive mistakes, get through life's big challenges - the kind of stuff they talk about in wedding vows - richer or poorer, better or worse.......so I think its a shame I did what I did to ruin that, but I also think its a shame that he didn't recognise that these things are so much more important than the kind of wealthy, seemingly functional family you come from.  I can now only hope that I will find that with someone else, and I will keep looking!
What I heave learned from this experience is completely invaluable.  I deliberately undermined what I was enjoying and what made me happy because I was scared of what might or might not happen,so I need to remember this lesson when I am next involved with someone.  What he has probably learned is that it is best for him not to read my blog and so I am quite sure he will never see this, and I doubt if I will ever see him again other than perhaps to pass him by, at which time I expect he will just walk right past me.
What I do hope is that he finds happiness, somewhere and with someone.  And I hope the same for me, I expect the same for me, because all those sessions at 150 bucks an hour have given me the confidence to expect that it is possible to expect, and GET happiness - even if sometimes you doubt if you deserve it.

A Married Man

Never did I think I would ever have an affair with a man who was married.  Whilst I don't actually have that much respect for the "institution" of marriage per say, as in I don't actually think that it is more important to be married to someone than in a committed relationship with them, and mostly because I actually don't, didn't and never have had much of a desire to be married myself (even though I have been), I have still always considered marriage and I guess any committed relationship to be a sacred union between two people that is not to be violated or interfered with by anyone else.
Having said that, I have also always probably felt that way because I never wanted to be the undoing of a relationship of importance to another woman.  My strong desire to stay faithful to the "sisterhood" has certainly prevented me in the past to become involved in that situation and I have certainly condemned any of my friends and my sister who have been involved in such activity.
Well that was until recently.  My faith in the sisterhood has run dry as it certainly has not been good to me.  My relationship with the ex was undermined and destroyed by a woman who certainly did not have the same respect for the principles I hold true, and previous relationships including my marriage have all gone to shit when "another woman" has come on the scene.
So my affair has history, and here it is - about 10 years ago I was working with a man I found extremely desirable on many levels.  I was also engaged at the time and had not been unfaithful to my partner of several years.  The man I was working with was an ex-AFL footballer, an intelect, a man who cared about all the same things as me and who I worked closely with and found myself attracted to in a way I had not experienced before.
Shortly before I was due to be married I phoned a friend of mine and confided in her about my desires to be involved with this man and to abandon my plans to be married.  She told me that I 'always do this...run for the hills and find any reason to exit stage left when the fear of commitment set in' - I was hoping for something else but I didn't know how to get out of the wedding plans and with nothing to go on other than what I felt was a great connection with this man and a strong desire to be with him, I put it down to the fact that she was right, I was looking for a reason not to go through with a commitment I didn't really believe in or want to be part of.
Well, I got married, I got back to work and was confronted by a rather abrupt and shocked work mate who seemed surprised that I had not told him of my plans to be away from work and certainly had no idea I was getting married.  I knew he was seeing someone, but I had no idea of the status of their relationship at that time, and was shocked by his reaction.
After leaving that work place we remained friends, close friends.  We worked together on various projects over the years and always the feelings seeing him and spending time with him would once again come to the surface.  He ultimately married the woman he was seeing and after the years went by we lost contact for a short period.  But he was never far from my thoughts and earlier on this year I tracked him down, expecting nothing but was surprised to receive contact from him telling me he thinks of me always and was wanting to see me.  An affair began.
I never saw myself as a person who would get involved in this sort of thing as I mentioned earlier and I justify it to myself by telling myself that I am not the one who is married.  I don't ask him for anything, I don't ask him about his wife or his life or talk about the possibility of him leaving her - in fact I don't want him to do that if it is because of me.
Our first time together sexually was an interesting experience.  It was filled with anticipation as he had told me that he has been wanting this with me since the first moment we met - he told me of his strong desire to start something all those years ago but was scared that he would be rejected.  He told me of a particular moment when we were having some after work drinks and he was trying to pluck up the courage to kiss me and tell me of his feelings towards me, I told him that I recall the moment and wish so badly that he had done this as I would have changed my plans for him, I would not have gone through with getting married and he too said he would have broken up with his girlfriend......leaves me wondering what might have been and where my life would have taken me if that moment had have worked out differently.
I love that when I am with him I can be myself completely.  I find myself saying things, sharing thoughts that I don't share with others for fear of judgement, but yet he finds it and me attractive regardless. My only sadness is when he leaves and I know he goes home filled with guilt, but that is his to deal with and I don't think about his relationship with his wife as I am something private, boxed up and just his, not to be shared.
During this time I have also been seeing the ex.  We have been enjoying each others company, the sex and generally having fun.  I have had no expectations about where this will lead - I think for all my interactions of a sexual nature I am now completely without expectations, hopes and dreams, I just live in the moment.
He recently revealed the true nature of the relationship he maintains with the woman he left me for.  Despite telling me on so many occasions that it was over it is still very much alive and well and the only reason I have been allowed into his life is because she is currently overseas on holidays.
Despite his relationship with her being quite a miserable one he intends to maintain it because although he admits that there is no logic to his feelings on the matter, he doesn't love her, they fight every time they see each other, they do not get along, he doesn't think she is a good person or would make a good mother to his children, and yet he says he loves me, believes I would make a wonderful mother to his children etc .....he wants to and will commit himself to a life with her because she has a wealthy and wonderful family that is so completely opposite to what my family is, completely and utterly dysfunctional.
Hearing these things from him has hurt me in the most unspeakable way.  I have no control over these factors in my life and despite not feeling a strong desire to be with him for any length of time other than until I don't enjoy it anymore, it hurts that I am being judged based on this.
But it hurts less that I have someone else in my life who don't judge me for those factors that I can not control and it fills me with confidence that someone, one day will see past my broken and dysfunctional family and see that, whilst I may be a product of those conditions, I am more than that, and I am worth loving anyway.
Do I feel good about myself because I am having an affair with a married man?  Certainly not.  But I will take from it what I need to rebuild the confidence that has been stripped off me by the ex to find the real thing.