So I have become extremely organised and resurrecting my RSVP profile, signed up to every singles event newsletter and singles evenings and even contemplating some 'holidays for singles', but my beautiful friend Geraldine tells me that all of this is a waste of time and that the secret is that it’s all about networking.
Her theory is that at my age, ready to have children and wanting something meaningful in my life, it’s a waste of my time to be doing all of this other stuff, she reckons it’s all about putting the word out with friends that its time to be set up on some dates with some like minded men who fit with my requirements and being selective about WHY they are single at this stage of their life, presuming that they would be older than myself…….
We have decided to draw the line at anyone past 40. Clearly this may knock out a large proportion of the market but it has been decided that, especially in light of my recent experience with a very dysfunctional 40 something then its probably best to raise the standards and not date anyone who is single for all the wrong reasons.
So Geraldine is out there finding single men for me! She is asking all the men and women she knows if they know a single good-looking man who fits my criteria, and also wears decent shoes, as there is nothing I hate more than a man with shocking shoes! She tells me that I must do the same with all those I know, so I have done, and we have all the girls at work and their husbands on the job to find candidates!
Already there have been some mumblings of some possibilities and one certainty, a friend of my cousins, although he is fabulous for all the right reasons he is also very young, but I have decided to give it a shot anyway because I really enjoy his company, he is smart, witty, ridiculously good-looking and a completely decent bloke.
Now I’m not going to say that he is my dream boat, that he is going to be my next husband or that I will even like him in a few weeks, but this is just the start of my search for true love and I am willing to give anything a go, clearly I failed miserably before so I figure that trying new things and new people out for size is the best way forward.
I was discussing this with my shrink at our regular Friday date last week and she asked me what I have learnt from my recent heartbreak. I started to speak and then realised just how much damage it had really done. I started seeing my shrink because I was having a great deal of trouble trusting the x and his intentions and actions and don’t think I ever truly believed that he cared about me (as it turned out I was right, however) and this was a reflection on many situations and relationships of broken trust as a child and compounded by the grief of the loss of my grandparents.
So the irony of the situation is that in order to improve myself and my ability to trust and trust the person I was in a relationship, I sought help, and during this time I was deceived and lied to and experienced such a huge amount of horrible treatment that what I have now learnt from the situation is not to trust even more, I have actually gone backwards. I think I will be less tolerant, more defensive and less emotionally available that I ever was before!
What else have I learned from the situation? Well I am not completely sure yet, but I am certain I will figure it out and not make the same mistakes again.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
The end of heartbreak hotel!
Well it’s been a while since my last update and much has happened. I decided to cast off all hope of reconciling with the x and decided to go to Europe for a month. To say that I had the time of my life would be an understatement.
I think I was completely and utterly overdue for a holiday and the stress and upheaval of the past 12 months had left me utterly drained of the ability to function and think clearly, not to mention the physical toll the whole nightmare had been taking on my body – which became very evident once I got to London and almost as soon as I touched down I became sick with a shocking flu.
After spending some time with my best friend Phil who now lives in London and has done for more than two years now, we started our journey with a group of fellow sports nuts to watch the Socceroos play some “friendlies” in Switzerland and then Poland. We travelled through Germany as well and after the soccer was over the group went back to London and I continued on my travels alone.
My first stop was Germany (again, but in a different spot) and then I went on to Austria where I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on the “Sound of Music Tour”!! Given that this was a lifelong dream, to see where my favourite movie in the world was made, one might have thought that I would have at least done some minor research into where exactly in Austria I needed to be in order to go on the tour – but I hadn’t done so much as a google search until I was comfortably settled in Vienna and then realised it was actually Salzburg I needed to be!
This was only a minor hitch in my plan, and provided a fabulous opportunity to travel across Vienna to Salzburg and see the beautiful sights of Austria. So I managed to sort my train ticket out, and even get on the right train and finally fulfil my dream – and it was everything I ever imagined and so much more.
The hardest part of the travel I did on my own was just that, being on my own. I didn’t know any of the languages and I was alone, all the time and that was hard. I had to rely on myself being able to get around and do what I wanted to see and see what I wanted to see whilst trying to still recover from a horrible break up and try to reconcile my thoughts about this and realise that I am not only alone and on holidays but I am now alone in every sense of the word.
When I returned to London to stay with Phil and another friend Michelle who share a flat there I was completely exhausted but glad to have to company and was starting to feel better after my dose of the flu. I had a great time in London and Michelle and Phil made me feel like I was just part of the furniture, not uncomfortable or imposing on their small space and showed me some of the best and happiest times of my life – the shopping was amazing as was the whole City.
During my holiday I met two men who I am sure found the sight and sounds of my deadly flu a rather huge turn off! And whilst nothing actually happened with either of them it felt great to be treated so well, to have a flirty conversation with someone who showed interest in me, who thought I was funny and fun to be around. Mainly I found it lovely to be treated with respect and dignity and it made me believe again that I am deserving of this. My decision was made. When I returned I would not settle for anything less again, as I had done for such a long time.
Soon after returning home I actually realised whilst driving along one day that I am happy. I even found myself smiling despite having some unresolved issues with the x, I found that I was and could be happy without him.
When we met to discuss the unresolved issues I realised how little he knew about me. He didn’t know about my work, he wasn’t even interested in it. I had the opportunity to have my questions answered after six long months of torture and doubt and most of all I realised that he had not been taking time out to work on himself as he had said and as I had done, he was just exactly the same as he was six months ago and some of the things that have been going on during this supposed period of self-improvement have been, well to say disrespectful to me would be an understatement.
I walked away from this meeting knowing that I would not be back with him again. I left with a heavy heart but knowing that the door was now shut on that part of my life and I simply have to get over how much I have lost by believing that we would be together and build a happy life. My dignity and self respect are just far too important to me to compromise.
I had hoped that he might see where he went wrong and gave him the opportunity to discuss this, but he chose not to and I have accepted that and I now have my closure.
I have no idea where my life will take me now. I have fantastic work plans that are coming together and I am getting more pleasure out of my work than I have ever done. Whilst I am sad about what has happened, I am happy to hold my head high, plan my next trip and keep smiling about the world of possibilities available to me now.
I think I was completely and utterly overdue for a holiday and the stress and upheaval of the past 12 months had left me utterly drained of the ability to function and think clearly, not to mention the physical toll the whole nightmare had been taking on my body – which became very evident once I got to London and almost as soon as I touched down I became sick with a shocking flu.
After spending some time with my best friend Phil who now lives in London and has done for more than two years now, we started our journey with a group of fellow sports nuts to watch the Socceroos play some “friendlies” in Switzerland and then Poland. We travelled through Germany as well and after the soccer was over the group went back to London and I continued on my travels alone.
My first stop was Germany (again, but in a different spot) and then I went on to Austria where I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on the “Sound of Music Tour”!! Given that this was a lifelong dream, to see where my favourite movie in the world was made, one might have thought that I would have at least done some minor research into where exactly in Austria I needed to be in order to go on the tour – but I hadn’t done so much as a google search until I was comfortably settled in Vienna and then realised it was actually Salzburg I needed to be!
This was only a minor hitch in my plan, and provided a fabulous opportunity to travel across Vienna to Salzburg and see the beautiful sights of Austria. So I managed to sort my train ticket out, and even get on the right train and finally fulfil my dream – and it was everything I ever imagined and so much more.
The hardest part of the travel I did on my own was just that, being on my own. I didn’t know any of the languages and I was alone, all the time and that was hard. I had to rely on myself being able to get around and do what I wanted to see and see what I wanted to see whilst trying to still recover from a horrible break up and try to reconcile my thoughts about this and realise that I am not only alone and on holidays but I am now alone in every sense of the word.
When I returned to London to stay with Phil and another friend Michelle who share a flat there I was completely exhausted but glad to have to company and was starting to feel better after my dose of the flu. I had a great time in London and Michelle and Phil made me feel like I was just part of the furniture, not uncomfortable or imposing on their small space and showed me some of the best and happiest times of my life – the shopping was amazing as was the whole City.
During my holiday I met two men who I am sure found the sight and sounds of my deadly flu a rather huge turn off! And whilst nothing actually happened with either of them it felt great to be treated so well, to have a flirty conversation with someone who showed interest in me, who thought I was funny and fun to be around. Mainly I found it lovely to be treated with respect and dignity and it made me believe again that I am deserving of this. My decision was made. When I returned I would not settle for anything less again, as I had done for such a long time.
Soon after returning home I actually realised whilst driving along one day that I am happy. I even found myself smiling despite having some unresolved issues with the x, I found that I was and could be happy without him.
When we met to discuss the unresolved issues I realised how little he knew about me. He didn’t know about my work, he wasn’t even interested in it. I had the opportunity to have my questions answered after six long months of torture and doubt and most of all I realised that he had not been taking time out to work on himself as he had said and as I had done, he was just exactly the same as he was six months ago and some of the things that have been going on during this supposed period of self-improvement have been, well to say disrespectful to me would be an understatement.
I walked away from this meeting knowing that I would not be back with him again. I left with a heavy heart but knowing that the door was now shut on that part of my life and I simply have to get over how much I have lost by believing that we would be together and build a happy life. My dignity and self respect are just far too important to me to compromise.
I had hoped that he might see where he went wrong and gave him the opportunity to discuss this, but he chose not to and I have accepted that and I now have my closure.
I have no idea where my life will take me now. I have fantastic work plans that are coming together and I am getting more pleasure out of my work than I have ever done. Whilst I am sad about what has happened, I am happy to hold my head high, plan my next trip and keep smiling about the world of possibilities available to me now.
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