So many of my blogs for some months now have been rather drab and depressing - well, certainly the stuff of heartbreak and sorrow. So I have decided to try o get back to writing something a bit more funny.....well, I hope you find it as funny as me!
Whilst living with my uncle last year I had the privilege of living also with my 21 year old cousin and is girlfriend - now some people would think this would be a nightmare, the drug smoking mad uncle and the young cousin and his even younger girlfriend, and I have to say that at time it certainly was - and due to my drug smoking and mad uncle, a nightmare does not even come close to describing how bad it was at times, but my cousin and his girlfriend were like a breath of fresh air!
They were young and carefree and had little understanding of how shit life could get at times, so there was no bonding over hard times, it was laughs and fun times, and when their friends came around it was like I was in my early 20's again at times!
I was back from my trip to Europe and once again had been let down by the ex who had promised that we would work things out when I got back - Collingwood had done me a massive favour of drawing the Grand Final when I was almost too jet lagged to enjoy it and were set to relive the whole Grand Final Week with me in town to be a part of it and to get set for the second round - the REAL Grand Final!
We decided to have a BBQ and party at our house, the week was full of preparations an excitement and to add to the festivities was the fact that my cousin is a St Kilda fan and as we were due to play them for the second time in a Grand Final the heat was on - in our house and the rest of Melbourne!
The morning of the Grand Final arrived and there was no doubt I was ready, but I was hungover - I probably should go back to the night before the Grand Final when my darling cousin called me and asked me to come and pick him up - he was drunk and desperate. I had been out myself that evening and was fast asleep in bed, stoned and certainly drunk.
I had been asleep for a while and figured that I was probably ok to drive the back street and went to pick him up. It turns out that he was with a group of mates - they piled into my car, way more than I should have been travelling with and we headed home.
The boys and I arrived and hooked into the curry and the rest of the food and booze I had organised for the next day - it was about 4am so I figured that the game started in a few hours so what was the harm??
Wesatup and watched the sun rise and all the while I was in deep conversation with my cousins "hot mate" who is the lady killer amongst the group and its easy to see why.
He is not overly tall but tall enough, had a body to die for and a face that looks like you could just eat it is so cute. He has recently started modeling and I can certainly see why!
Other than being incredibly good looking and sexy the boy was nice, really nice, and he was smart. We spoke for hours and the conversation never was hard or anything but really interesting - despite being quote drunk!
Just after watching the sun rise we kissed and headed for my room. We had sex like I was a teenager again but with more experience and a better understanding of how to enjoy it!
He was simply and utterly amazing. His blue eyes never stopped looking at me with pure lust and enjoyment and his body was so simply amazing that I never wanted it to end.
I started to reflect back to the ex and sex with him. I found that we had a great sex life and was completely satisfied but there is something about shagging someone who is young enough to be your child that makes it that much more exciting, plus, he didn;t have the energy of someone in his 40's, he was in his 20's, early 20's, although I didn;t know how old, I knew that much at least! And he was bending me in ways that I didn't know were even possible!
After the whole thrilling thing was over he told me her was so nervous and hoped that I had enjoyed it! I told him I had, I had enjoyed it MANY times! And he asked how old I was and I told him and then I asked him how old he was and he told me he was 23 and we laughed so hard that we started kissing and did it all over again. My god I though, there was no doubt, I would be walking funny tomorrow! I had not had sex like this since I was in high school!
The next morning my hip was our, I could barley stand up, my head hurt and all I could think about was the footy and what I could eat - age I thought, that's what has happened to me, because when I was young my hips were not a problem, I could get past the walking funny and the headache and food was never something I needed after a night of booze, a couple of bits of Vegemite toast would have done the trick!
To cut a long story short, the day was brilliant, Collingwood won the Grand Final, I went out for dinner with my Dad - completely drunk and I drank champers and ate food that I could only ever dream of buying o any normal occasion.
Later that evening I went home and crashed into bed. I was woken by the young Brad snuggling in bed with me after coming home fro his own night out with my cousin. After being out and having all the young things throwing themselves at him, he came home and got into bed with me - the old lady with the two crazy dogs - I couldn't quite believe my luck! And for many nights after that he did the same thing.
We hung out, watched movies, cooked food, had dinner and just enjoyed each other. But every time I looked at him I really wondered why he was interested in me - who cares! He was and it was a huge amount of fun!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tim's passing
On returning from my trip to Bali all I could think about was Tim. He was my boyfriend for a short time but then became one of my best friends. Tim had been sick for a long time. He had cancer. We found this out after starting to have sex one morning while we were still together and I found some lumps 'down there'. I was furious and told him to go to the doctor that day to find out what they were.
He was, as Tim always is, very relaxed about it. He said he would go to the free staff clinic at work in a few days, being a nurse he didn’t think anything was ever wrong with him and was certainly not in the habit of paying to seek medical advice! This of course was not acceptable to me so we had a huge fight and I broke up with him.
I remember sitting at my desk at work when I got a text from him saying that he had been to the doctor and he didn’t have an STD, he had cancer. I rung him immediately and I cried while asking for the details. There were no details, we assumed that it would be ok but there was no telling at this stage. There was no option. This was a man that despite the relationship being questionable at times, I loved dearly and assured him that I would support him.
The months that followed were filled with hospital, throwing up, chemo, tears, family arguments, worry, fear, waiting and basically all the emotion that goes with loving someone who has cancer. The world at this time decided to give me a double blow. My grandfather was also at this time dying from cancer in hospitals on the other side of town. I was spreading myself thin and working a job that was taking from me more than I had the ability to give.
Tim seemed to have one health issue after another but he managed to keep himself out of hospital as often and for as long as he could and when he was out he resumed his normal life like nothing was wrong at all. We remained extremely close friends despite the fact that we both met and got involved with other people.
I wish I could do that time over again. I realise now that the person that gave me strength and was dependable and reliable during the time when my grandfather passed away and my family troubles were endless was not David the ex at all but it was Tim. At the end of a long hard day it was Tim who made me feel better and in the long run it was Tim who stood by my as a friend and supported me while the ex headed for the hills and decided it was all too hard. I should have known better, but at the time I believed that we loved each other and that I mattered to him, I guess I just made excuses for his bad behaviour and complete lack of respect.
At Christmas this year we received the news that Tim only had 6 months to live. This year Christmas was hard for me with my dreams of having a loving and wonderful relationship completely down the toilet and knowing that my attempts to “build my own family” in the wreckage of what the ex and I had between us was completely and utterly over. Tim made the festive period bearable, he made me laugh, he bought me lovely gifts and was my constant companion, just as he had been for many months when I was left to drown by the ex.
I was going to delay my trip to Bali when Tim started to get sick again, but I had a non-refundable ticket and decided to go anyway, I thought I would risk it and hope that he was still going by the time I got back, after all, he had 6 months so I should be fine....
Tim and I emailed daily when I was in Bali. The ex was decent enough to send me a message saying that he no longer wanted any contact with me – nice – but then again what could I expect, he was just being the same old prick that he had always been, it was just now that I was realising how much I gave and how little I got in return.
Tim was back in hospital while I was gone and there were days when I would have to ring him because he wasn’t on email and I worried that something would happen. I told him about how much I loved Bali and really wanted him to join me there but we both knew it was too late for him to fly. I just felt that if he saw my Medicine man then perhaps there might be some chance of recovery – or at least a bit of an extension to the time line.
When I got back I got a message from the ex to say happy birthday. What an idiot I thought, why send me that after telling me you want no contact between us – more mind fuck games and bullshit from a mad who is 44 years old and should have grown up years ago.
Tim came over as soon as I got back and we celebrated in style! He had his oxygen bottle and a pack of cigies and we got drunk and smoked and cried and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do before he went.
Within the blink of an eye he was gone. He died on Monday 24th January at 11.45am. I was there with his family and it was shattering. My world changed for me again at that point. The person I had relied upon and trusted and never been betrayed by had gone. My friend, the person I loved as deeply as my family and my dogs was dead, lying there, grey and in the foetal position. It broke my heart over and over.
Despite the horrible times that followed and the sadness that still remains I know that my medicine man has helped me, even if it is only to deal with this loss. I feel sad, guttered and heartbroken about Tims passing and I miss him every moment of every day. But my clarity about my relationship with the ex has become crystal clear since my visit to Bali and Tim’s death. Life is just too short to have people around who don’t add value, David adds non to anyone as far as I can see, he certainly added no value of any mention to my life, just empty promises and rubbish when he was drunk – but not love, kindness and loyalty like Tim did. It’s a shame I didn’t get to choose who was the one to go, let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been Tim.
How do I feel since my return? Well, I feel sad as hell as Tim passed only days after I got back. But how do I feel about everything else? I feel good. I feel better than I have in years!
He was, as Tim always is, very relaxed about it. He said he would go to the free staff clinic at work in a few days, being a nurse he didn’t think anything was ever wrong with him and was certainly not in the habit of paying to seek medical advice! This of course was not acceptable to me so we had a huge fight and I broke up with him.
I remember sitting at my desk at work when I got a text from him saying that he had been to the doctor and he didn’t have an STD, he had cancer. I rung him immediately and I cried while asking for the details. There were no details, we assumed that it would be ok but there was no telling at this stage. There was no option. This was a man that despite the relationship being questionable at times, I loved dearly and assured him that I would support him.
The months that followed were filled with hospital, throwing up, chemo, tears, family arguments, worry, fear, waiting and basically all the emotion that goes with loving someone who has cancer. The world at this time decided to give me a double blow. My grandfather was also at this time dying from cancer in hospitals on the other side of town. I was spreading myself thin and working a job that was taking from me more than I had the ability to give.
Tim seemed to have one health issue after another but he managed to keep himself out of hospital as often and for as long as he could and when he was out he resumed his normal life like nothing was wrong at all. We remained extremely close friends despite the fact that we both met and got involved with other people.
I wish I could do that time over again. I realise now that the person that gave me strength and was dependable and reliable during the time when my grandfather passed away and my family troubles were endless was not David the ex at all but it was Tim. At the end of a long hard day it was Tim who made me feel better and in the long run it was Tim who stood by my as a friend and supported me while the ex headed for the hills and decided it was all too hard. I should have known better, but at the time I believed that we loved each other and that I mattered to him, I guess I just made excuses for his bad behaviour and complete lack of respect.
At Christmas this year we received the news that Tim only had 6 months to live. This year Christmas was hard for me with my dreams of having a loving and wonderful relationship completely down the toilet and knowing that my attempts to “build my own family” in the wreckage of what the ex and I had between us was completely and utterly over. Tim made the festive period bearable, he made me laugh, he bought me lovely gifts and was my constant companion, just as he had been for many months when I was left to drown by the ex.
I was going to delay my trip to Bali when Tim started to get sick again, but I had a non-refundable ticket and decided to go anyway, I thought I would risk it and hope that he was still going by the time I got back, after all, he had 6 months so I should be fine....
Tim and I emailed daily when I was in Bali. The ex was decent enough to send me a message saying that he no longer wanted any contact with me – nice – but then again what could I expect, he was just being the same old prick that he had always been, it was just now that I was realising how much I gave and how little I got in return.
Tim was back in hospital while I was gone and there were days when I would have to ring him because he wasn’t on email and I worried that something would happen. I told him about how much I loved Bali and really wanted him to join me there but we both knew it was too late for him to fly. I just felt that if he saw my Medicine man then perhaps there might be some chance of recovery – or at least a bit of an extension to the time line.
When I got back I got a message from the ex to say happy birthday. What an idiot I thought, why send me that after telling me you want no contact between us – more mind fuck games and bullshit from a mad who is 44 years old and should have grown up years ago.
Tim came over as soon as I got back and we celebrated in style! He had his oxygen bottle and a pack of cigies and we got drunk and smoked and cried and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do before he went.
Within the blink of an eye he was gone. He died on Monday 24th January at 11.45am. I was there with his family and it was shattering. My world changed for me again at that point. The person I had relied upon and trusted and never been betrayed by had gone. My friend, the person I loved as deeply as my family and my dogs was dead, lying there, grey and in the foetal position. It broke my heart over and over.
Despite the horrible times that followed and the sadness that still remains I know that my medicine man has helped me, even if it is only to deal with this loss. I feel sad, guttered and heartbroken about Tims passing and I miss him every moment of every day. But my clarity about my relationship with the ex has become crystal clear since my visit to Bali and Tim’s death. Life is just too short to have people around who don’t add value, David adds non to anyone as far as I can see, he certainly added no value of any mention to my life, just empty promises and rubbish when he was drunk – but not love, kindness and loyalty like Tim did. It’s a shame I didn’t get to choose who was the one to go, let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been Tim.
How do I feel since my return? Well, I feel sad as hell as Tim passed only days after I got back. But how do I feel about everything else? I feel good. I feel better than I have in years!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The medicine man
So after offering to volunteer my time at the animal welfare, and sorting out the formalities of meeting everyone I decided to walk back town and to my hotel. I needed to go to the loo and was hoping that I would find a taxi soon although I was enjoying the walk and enjoying the complete peace within my own mind. Something that was not all that familiar to me after the past year.I found a taxi and asked for him to take me to Kutut where I was quite sure I would be able to spend some time with him and gain a greater inner peace – whilst also having him read my palm for me and tell me what my future holds.I arrived at Kutut’s house and walked into the compound and past the numerous tourist busses and saw a massive number of people sitting around, I spoke to an Australian woman who explained that it was about a 4 hour wait for Kutut and that he doesn’t spend much time with each person but that everyone here was waiting and that I would need to figure out who the person was who arrived before me and I would figure out my place in the line of hopefuls.I sat for about 30 minutes. About long enough for my bladder to tell me that 4 hours was simply out of the question. I left and thought it best to come back early and when there was less people to have to wait behind.The following day I was once again, up early, went to yoga and was ready to leave to meet Abut at 11am for my trip to the medicine man. I arrived at the hotel reception and was taken to a small motorbike, Abut started the bike and expected me to get on. This was not something I was happy about but figured that at this point I may as well just suck it up.We travelled for about 30 minutes outside of town and arrived to a compound similar to Kutut’s, but in a different direction. We were told that the medicine man was not in at the moment as he was involved in a ceremony of some significance with the people from his town but that we could return at 11am the next morning. We drove back through the beauty of the mountains and I thought of ways to try to get out of going back the following day. I failed at this and realised that Abut was not going to let me off the hook.The following day started the same. I went to yoga, came back, had a shower, met Abut and we went once again to the compound. There were a few people waiting to see the medicine man and he was dealing with a woman I can only describe as a whinging American who complained of a sore back. He seemed bored, as I was. I was here to have my heart put back together again and couldn’t really understand why she was here when she could get a massage for about $US3 basically anywhere in this place.There were several people before me. I watched in amazement as he seemed to do stuff that seemed to heal them in some way, although often the details were not clear because it was hard to hear or work out what was going on between the medicine man and his patient.Nobody came in after me, so when I was called there were only a couple of onlookers remaining. The medicine man sat there smoking and smiling and asked me what he could do for me. I was quiet and embarrassed and didn’t want others to hear. I asked him if he could read my palm. He laughed and told me that he doesn’t do that sort of thing but he was happy to help in another way, he asked me again what he could do.I sat there and thought that at this point I simply must tell him whats wrong or I will miss my opportunity to see him and perhaps be “fixed” in some way.I put my hand on my head and I said ‘I am not well, I am just sad, all the time I am sad and I can’t change it’. He told me to lie down on his mat and took his small wood stick and poked at the insides of my toes, it didn’t hurt, butch with each poke he checked for a response. Finally he got one. He touched a spot that made me nearly fly off the mat and run back to Australia screaming in pain.He nodded his head and came closer to me and waved his hands above my body and said ‘so much hurt and pain, so much, but I will fix it, I will make it better for you, just trust me’. The encounter was stranger than anything I have ever experienced and anything that I would have previously believed and quite frankly, before this happened to me I would have dismissed it as a complete wank. I didn’t though, it just didn’t feel like I had that option at the time.When the session was finished I wept. I didn’t cry, my eyes were just pouring with tears. It was different to any time I had cried before.I drove back to Ubud with Abut on the back of his motorbike and smiled all the way. I felt like I was smiling from within myself, in a way that I had never or at least for a really long time had smiled. The countryside seemed so much more beautiful that it was on the way there, or on my previous trip. I just couldn’t stop feeling completely and utterly amazingly happy and complete.I decided that taking myself to Bali was the best birthday present I had ever received.
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