Love never fails us

I read the phrase "love never fails us" a few days ago and spent some time contemplating this. "Love" in itself is an interesting concept. I certainly believed that my first experience of love, or being in love, was with "the ex", and often wondered why it had actually taken so long before I had ever felt this feeling before, given that I have had a number of relationships and certainly have been hurt before by the ending of them, and have been married to a wonderful man who certainly deserved to be loved by me.
I have always had an enormous amount of love for my family, and most definitely for my dogs, and I can't say for a second that my lack of "falling in love" was a result of any childhood issues, like not being shown love towards me or not having witnessed it for myself between a "couple". My father certainly loved my mother, and I have happy memories of him showering her in love....I guess when I think back on that though, I don't have any memories at all or her showing him any love, I never thought so at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight, it was probably a very one way street as far as their relationship was concerned.
I was discussing this concept of "love" within relationships with my shrink recently and described my grandparents relationship as "codependent, alcoholic, dysfunctional but still full of love to me" and my shrink stopped me and said 'what you have just described was your own relationship with "the ex"' - and I realised that this was actually probably true.
It was this realisation that also made me aware of why this break up has been so hard for me, other than the financial loss and the betrayal of trust which obviously has a huge impact......it was the fact that it was not actually "love" at all that I was experiencing here, it was something I felt was safe and familiar, but not in any way good or loving or positive - once again, the universe seems to have saved me from something, even if it was actually very painful at the time.
After much consideration I realised that I have actually never been in love. Considering the saying "love never fails us" has probably a little to do with that realisation, because it certainly failed me badly! But when I think of "him" now I have no feeling at all towards him.
I certainly feel happy for various ex's who have moved onto wonderful relationship, including my ex-husband who is now remarried and has recently had a little girl, I feel really happy and a degree of unselfish love towards him that he is so happy and that he is gaining so much joy from being a father and a loving husband, but for the ex who ruined my life? Well I just feel nothing, dead.
I'm certainly not angry, not sad. Just nothing.. Perhaps the hypnotherapy is working....but actually I think its bigger than that. I think I actually never loved him at all. I try to think about what my reaction would be if he died some horrible death.....or was injured in some horrible accident - and still nothing.
So why did I think he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Why did I think I wanted to have a family with him? Why did I think he was the first person I had ever had feelings of love for?
I have tried to work this out in an attempt to make sure that I don't make the same mistake again. I have a feeling that the reasons for my feeling that this person was my soul mate was to do with the fact that he is a fairly lost soul as well, and that our relationship did actually resemble so much of my grandparents relationship that it provided a familiarity that I was comfortable in, and for that reason, realising that I am too a lost soul, I thought for a time that we were great, magical and amazing together, but with the reflection of life and the other things that happen, I guess you start to realise that whilst we were two lost souls, he is lost in a different manner to me, my care and affection was certainly (much like my fathers towards my mother) a one way street, and my attempts to try to salvage "something" even if that were only to remain friends as we had been before are no successful because he actually doesn't have the capacity to feel anything.
Even if I can recognise now that I was not in love with him, and that I actually don't care at all what happens to him, there is still a part of me that wants him to be happy and to have a great life, and certainly I have always been honest with him, honest as I could be with my feelings as I knew them to be at the time.
I am not sure that he has that capacity though, I will wonder for some time I expect in an attempt to work out how his mind and feelings work....I know that he can not be honest and true and certainly not relied upon, but the rest of what happened and what remains is a complete mystery to me and will probably be so for the rest of my days.
So does "love never fail us"?.....I don't know, I am yet to find out, but with a decision to not date or become emotionally involved with anyone again then I guess I will never know!

Hypnosis for a broken heart

Hypnosis for a broken heart? Anyone thinking about the wonderful movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind??

It is a movie I have watched many times and have cried and cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore, but then it leaves you with all this stuff to think about, just as all the great movies do.

If you haven't seen it then do, and for those who haven't for the sake of this blog, the concept is that a couple of lovers have an interaction which is portrayed as being extremely full of love, affection and really quite life changing. The relationship fails and the film depicts the heartbreak and pain felt by both. Until one elects to have the memories of the relationship erased from their mind, leaving the question to the viewing audience, 'is it better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all' - or basically, would you trade the good times, the memories and the feelings of complete and utter happiness, for nothing at all, the elimination of what is good so that there is no longer pain.......

Well I recently started undergoing a series of sessions of hypnosis for my broken heart. And before I start to sound like a nutcase who simply can't get over someone, or like some sort obsessed stalker I would just like to state that I have NEVER done a "drive-by", I have NEVER turned up at places that I knew my ex would be in order to create some kind of "incident" or "exchange". I am not a stalker and have never participated in this kind of obsessive activity, nor have I been sitting around obsessing about him and what he is doing or anything of that nature.

I have however, found it very difficult to get over the situation. Yes, the situation, not "him", its the lies, the deceit and the months of mental anguish that have been really hard to recover from, not to mention the selling of my home and the being homeless and so forth......these things actually are really hard to move on from.

I recall at one stage he said to me 'just go and live your life' - nice suggestion, but when you have nowhere to live and no idea about what is going on because there has actually been no conversation, then "living your life" becomes a little more difficult than it may seem! Although not for him, because HIS life continued as if I had never ever been there!

Anyway, my shrink and I talked about it and as she does hypnosis we decided to do a number of sessions to eliminate all memory or the ex, not him so much but the memories associated with him, the happy ones, the sad ones and mainly, eliminate the memories of hurt and pain associated with him, and just to make my feelings toward him completely neutral.

So it was not like the movie in as much as the person is completely deleted from your mind, it was done in stages and was done so that I still know who the person is, and my mind is more than aware of what has happened between us, and I am more than aware of how I was treated and what he did to me, but it is probably best described as being that these things are now not cutting every time I think of them, they do not feel raw anymore.

The memories of good times are completely gone. I do not associate him with anything good or happy in my life, the bad memories are gone as well, not the facts, but the memories of the bad things that happened are gone in as much as there is no feeling in them anymore, sort of like they are faded - if that makes sense.....the same with the good stuff, its gone, there are no feelings associated with it, but its not as if I have no memory at all, but I don't feel anything towards these times.

So I guess the big question is "do I feel any better" - well yes! I do! In a crazy sort of way I feel towards him nothing......and towards that time.....nothing, again......that is not to say that if he came back with some crazy declarations of love and wanting to "work it out" (at the same time I expect hell would be freezing over) that I would not know who he was, but I would just not feel anger or hatred towards him, or love or kindness, it would just be the same as dating anyone else new I guess, to see what happens and if you like the person and what they do and how they behave etc and make a decision about what happens next based upon that.

I feel better because the memories are not so raw anymore. The painful things that happened are not at the forefront of my mind, and I am not reminded of the good times and saddened at the loss of these. But it certainly is not like it is portrayed in the movie, the complete elimination of the person is not really possible from what I understand - although the thought I have to say is somewhat tempting to think about!

I was reading my horoscope the other day and it said 'take yourself back to the moment of your greatest mistake, the moment that you wish had never happened', the first thing that came to my mind was the moment that things went bad between us, my initial thought was that this was the moment of my greatest mistake, not the moment that we kicked off our relationship, although both these moments in time could be said to be equally the moments of my biggest mistake.

The question, would I change anything, stayed with me for some time and I started to think about this and really decide if I WOULD actually change things. Well, yes I would. I would change all of it. I would give my right arm to be back in my house, to have this never have happened with "him" and to be living as I did when we were just friends. This is largely because I DO miss him as a friend, and I miss being naive enough to think he was a friend (although my assessment on this has clearly altered) I also miss living where I did and having the security of having my own home. But at the same time, I am really happy with my life the way it now is. I love my work and I love what each day brings. These are things that would not be possible if none of the horrible stuff had happened........

So, can we assume then that whatever it is that you or I believe in, that something in the universe was doing the right thing by me to take me out of that situation, as happy as it may have bee at the time.........

If that is the case, do we then think that hypnosis is a valid tool to use in the recovery process after a relationship is over??? I don't know really.......I am still thinking about it to be honest. I have always thought that is was best to face your demons, to face them and to make them back down and to come out of a painful situation a stronger a better person........but then I also think that gaining some assistance to reach the subconscious mind might be a useful tool, not to eliminate the person from you mind, as in the case in the movie, but to help with the hurt of certain events or treatment that actually is not necessarily encountered with every break up, but if it is evident, can help to build your resilience and really refocus you attention on more positive things which then helps to build self esteme and so forth.

However, as the movie shows, to eliminate someone completely and all memory of the events associated with that person actually doesn't provide a growth experience, because you are essentially going to do the same thing and make the same mistakes again, so I am not convinced that this kind of hypnosis is and can be helpful or healthy, but for me, this was not how it was used and certainly not the effect it has had.

Well, regardless of the hypnosis, but certainly with its assistance, I have certainly become a stronger person. A better person? .... well you would have to ask those around me. They have certainly reported that I am not the same person, that I am not as fun, not as carefree, and perhaps not as caring or trusting. So it could be said then that the hypnosis has not actually affected my experience in as much as it has not taken away the leaning and development process that came along with the situation I was trying to erase......and I won't be using hypnosis to try to undo this or to bring those qualities back because they now form part of who I am.

Family and creating one

Recently I started to think about my goals in life, where I see myself in the future and generally what sort of life I would like to have. This reassessment was largely forced by the breakdown of my relationship, a move to a very different physical and emotional location, and my living arrangements being very different to what I had anticipated, not only because of the plans I had with the ex being completely redundant, but also the major change of career, the fact that I turned 33 and feel like 34 is not far away, an the death of 3 very close and significant people in my life I'm quite sure has had an affect.

I was thinking about how quickly the last 10 years have gone, or even the last 15 years. It feels like only yesterday that I was leaving high school and I felt like anything in the world was possible, but in the blink of an eye the mid-thirties are descending and suddenly there are limitations, and of course experiences that begin to impose themselves.

I don't know quite where I thought I would be and what I would be doing at 33, when I was in my 20's, I can say that I never expected to be living the life I am now (that is not to say that I am unhappy about where I am or what I am doing) but I guess the first thing is that I probably never expected to BE 33!

I can't say that I have always had a burning ambition to have children and to be a mother but I certainly felt very sure when the ex and I were planning to start a family that it was what I wanted at that time. I have felt more of a desire to have a family since turning 30, I guess you start to realise that you don't have as much time left as you do when you are in your 20's, but I think what most excited me about the prospect was that I wanted to create my own family, because I really don't have that much of my own. My father and my sister and I are really it, and the thought of having a partner that I loved and creating a family together was extremely appealing.

But as we know, things change. Circumstances change, and whilst I am open to the possibilities and options that life presents, there are some things that I feel are worth considering by myself and for myself, without the distraction of feeling that I am in love with someone and making decisions based upon what ultimately is and could as my situation proved to be, actually not a loving partnership, but just a bunch of words and commitments people often make to each other when they enjoy having sex!

After much reflection, about many issues and aspects, I have decided that I do not want, and will not have children. This is probably something that many people say (including myself) at various times and stages, but my decision is considerably more final than simply making the statement. I am going to have my tubes tied.

This is not a decision I have or am taking lightly, and the process has been a very long and well considered one. I will attempt to work through these now.

Firstly, I was recently speaking to a wonderful male friend of mine while out for drinks. We discussed our current situations and he asked me about meeting someone new. Whilst I have dated other men since my break up, it has not taken long before it was clear that it was unworkable. I simply stated to my friend that "it had broken me" (being the demise of my relationship) and with that, without becoming hysterical or becoming a spectacle, tears were rolling furiously down my face. He was, as always, amazing in his response. He looked at me with respect, care and compassion and just said "I know, I can see that". It was very apparent to me at this time that I have changed so significantly due to this relationship, or the demise of it, so much so tat the people who know are care for me can see this as clear as day. This saddens me, but makes me realise that making a commitment to someone, and really loving and trusting that person is very rarely a good thing.

The truth is that I have not cried often, and my outburst was extremely unusual and surprising. But the reality is that I have been broken by what has happened. Not in as much as that I will never have a relationship again, I may do, although I certainly do not seek this or want for this in any way. Its the innocence of thinking that you are in love with someone and that they are in love with you that has been broken. The trust and everything sacred being betrayed, and not when you are in your 20's, but later in life I think this is quite significant. I can not longer believe in the fairytale, in love, and in that when you give yourself to someone in that capacity, that even if the relationship fails, they will still treat you like you once mattered.

Having seen so closely, witnessed more than I should have my own parents bitter and nasty split, I have always ended relationships with a level of decency. Its what my mother never gave to my father and why his life has been ruined as a result. I hoped that it was just the fact that my mother is a complete nutcase that people end like this, but now having gone through a situation where there is no discussion, no end, just hate and anger and not even the respect to face each other and end things - I realise that there are far too many people who do this than I had hoped. I don't believe this is kind, and as my father always said to me at the end of one of my own relationships 'you chose to be with that person so you end it like an adult, show them respect and do not hold anger towards them, it will only eat you from the inside'. He was right - but what do you do, how do you do this when the other person is unwilling and makes that impossible???

So my concern about having children is that I never, ever want them to experience what I did, not the single parent thing, that is fine, I never want that for me, but I am not suggesting that it is not a perfectly acceptable and good way to raise a child or children - but my experience of bitterness with my recent split has made me realise that no matter how carefully you think you are selecting someone, and no matter what you say to each other about ending things like adults (if that were to happen) during the good times - you actually just never know how someone will behave when the end actually does happen.

That brings me to my next point, selecting a partner. After my previous experience I have reflected on my previous relationships and whilst they are certainly not all bad, I would have to say that my selection process and the types of people I have been with have not been parent material. I probably knew that for most of them at the time, and the only one I was ever actually really sure I wanted to be with, and wanted to have a family with was the last one, I was more sure of that than anything I have been in my life, and yet I was so completely off in my judgement. This has confirmed for me that by ability to make the right choices about these things is completely and utterly misguided.

I think what confirmed this even more was that recently I received a beautiful email from my ex-husband who told me about the arrival of his first child. We have a good and friendly relationship and I am completely thrilled for him that he is so happy and that he shared this with me. But I did realise that I had made a huge mistake. I never actually wanted to have children with him, and yet he was a wonderful husband and will be a fantastic father, I missed my opportunity with him - once again proving that I do not have, for some reason, the capacity to identify who would be a great partner and father.

I need to be clear here, it is not the fact that the relationship ended that I feel this way, it is actually about the way in which it ended. My ability to believe that people can behave well and treat each other well and end things with compassion and dignity is what has been broken most, not the loss of the person.

So with that I move onto my next point. My family. I have a deep and strong connection with my family, or those who remain at least. But our past has been not only dysfunctional, but scaring beyond description.

The ex would often question this history in his process of deciding if a family with me was what he wanted (and I need to stipulate here that at no time did I ever push, question or rush this, it was his decision making process alone, in working out if he wanted to make a commitment to me in this way). He often told me how crappy my family is and how this is not the kind of family that he wanted to raise children within - this I never argued with or refuted. I only ever said that I believed that the strong bond, the dedication and the unconditional love that is always evident in my family, I believed was enough to overcome the hideous scares that we all still bare from what has been many generations of family breakdown, drug addiction, alcoholism, violence and pain.

My belief was always that every generation do it better. My father grew up in a children's home in the 1950's, a painful and horrid childhood, the memories of which still haunt him. But he was a born father, and although his marriage failed, he became a drug addict and a serious alcoholic, he did his best and later in life got clean and sober and has been for more than 10 years, and accomplishment I am proud of every day.

My father was not perfect, but he tried his best and did his best and even though things were hard and our experiences during his addiction were unspeakably bad, there was never any doubt that he loved us. My father has never dated anyone since my mother left. He raised my sister and I on his own under circumstances that were unlivable by most peoples standards, and I always believed that we as a family had shown strength enough to endure just about anything.

But thinking about all the times that the ex (who actually knows very little of those times, simply because I don't talk about them), I realised that he actually has a point. It actually doesn't matter how much you love your kids, how hard you try or how devoted or strong you are, if you have a history that involved generational family breakdown to this extent, then actually you are far better off not continuing the cycle for another generation. Even though you may think that each generation improves, this is not what I want children of mine to even know about let alone experience or be affected by.

The next reason I have for my decision involves myself and my ability to be a mother. The ex questioned often my ability to be a capable mother. This was based on many things, one is that I don't have and have never had a relationship with my own mother. I often disputed that on the basis on the fact that my grandmother was essentially a mother to me, sh was my "mother figure" and I never considered that I had missed out because I had such a strong and positive relationship and role model in her.

Recently however I have realised that the ex was actually right about this to a large degree. Not having a mother who I lived with and who I have as a role model from that perspective is not setting me up well to be a success in this area, and whilst I had hoped and believed that I would simply want to do everything as a mother that I never had, I actually don't have the ability or capacity to know that what I am doing is the right thing. Simply speaking, the risk is far to great.

He also questioned my smoking and drinking, well, this is a good point. Would I ever have smoked or drank whilst I was pregnant? Absolutely not. But would the fact that I have enjoyed these things for so many years, at my age, have an affect on an unborn child? I don't know, probably, and again, the risk is far too great.

My final reason for making the decision I have made has two aspects to it. One is that I have had two pregnancies to the ex that I did not continue with. These are two of the greatest mistakes and regrets of my life. However, I believe that the universe sends you certain things, at certain times, opportunities, chances to learn etc. Whilst I regret both these decisions, I believe that they were my chances to work things out, to somehow find a way to be the best parent that I could be, but I chose a simple option, one that whilst I am not suggesting for a second is not completely valid and the right one for many people, but was the wrong one for me. So now, as a result, the universe is sending me the message that I nerd to question more closely my choices and decisions.

Don't get me wrong. I am not for a second suggesting that because of my relationship failing that I have decided to take such drastic measures, or that the things he said to me have in some way harmed me and given me the impression that no man would want me to be the mother of their children. The comments he made and the consideration that he went through actually made me respect and love him more and reassure me more that it was him that I wanted to be the father of my children, but I guess the kinds of issues he raised were things that I may not have considered or viewed from an outsiders perspective.

I think when you are involved in what you believe to be loving and strong relationships within your own family, or when you grow into what you view to be a strong and capable human being, you are not always aware of how you really rate in terms of outside expectations. You see things with blinkers on and think that things will be ok, when really, other around you may see things very differently. They may look at you and your situation honestly when you have a tendency to view them through rose coloured glasses. So it is not his actions or words that have made me think about things, rather the whole packages, the sequence of events, my reflection about my own feelings and my delusions about happily ever after etc which I have outlined above.

The reality is that I take the decision to have children extremely seriously. I also take the decision to NOT have a family equally as seriously. Some may think that because of my caution and my questioning this process I am actually far better off qualified to be a parent than all those who have children for the "wrong reasons" - well this may be so, but for me, this is not enough.

Whilst there are some small parts of me that feel sad that I will not have my own family, I feel very much that my decision is right for me.

Something to feel happy about

I won't lie. The last 12 months or more have been pure hell. When I think about what has happened, what I have been through and what I have lost, I feel physically sick, and extremely sad. Whats more, when I think about why I lost what I did, I feel even worse. I feel foolish, stupid and embarrassed when I think about the fact that I gave up my life as I knew it, sold my home and thought I was going to live happily ever after with the "love of my life" - even more so because everyone told me I was making a mistake, and whilst I have made excuses for him, and tried to see thing differently, the truth is that I gave up everything I had worked all my life for to be with someone I loved dearly, who in actual fact never loved me in return. This is why I feel like a fool. So much so that I have often found it hard to face my friends and family because of the shame and stupidity that I have felt.

But this installment is not about the bad stuff, its about focusing on the good things that have happened as a result of this complete and utter disaster. For so long it seemed that I felt nothing but bad about the situation, and about my life and where it has ended up as a result of "falling in love" with the wrong person, and I am not sure when, but it just happened one day that I woke up, and instead of feeling sad that the ex was not there, and remembering all the pain associated with this, I suddenly felt energised and really, genuinely happy to be alive , to be living the life I am living (with all its flaws) and to have the opportunities that this horrible situation has provided to me.

Don't for a second think that this is going to be one of those "I love the world" or "positive thinking brings positive results" kind of things, because that is simply not my game. But for such a long time I have felt like I had this huge opportunity to have a great life with someone I loved and worshiped and gave my all to, and have felt like basically a piece of shit for not being able to let that become a reality. I blamed myself, I was too dumb, too fat, too this or too that. Whatever, I have actually realised that I gave it my best shot, I did everything I could for the bloke and he didn't want me, not because of me but because of him.

I started to look at my life and how its changed and try to see those changes for the better. For one, I am not in a relationship where I am not loved and cherished for the person I am. I might be on my own but that is a much better place to be than with someone who doesn't really want to be there. I was spared the indignity of having children within this relationship - whilst I had thought this was something that would have been a wonderful experience, and having children with him was really something that I wanted, I am glad not to be, and know that I now won't be in a situation where I am raising children on my own, because I now realise that he would never have stayed.

I think that when I realised that I really don't want to be with someone who ends what I considered a serious relationship via email, and gained the self worth to feel that I truly deserved better, that my perspective started to shift, it wasn't about me, it was about him not being able to or better yet, wanting to conduct more meaningful and adult communication, I realised that I was indeed better off without him.

As a result I felt like the sun was suddenly shining on me, and all I can see now is what is good and positive, and the things I am grateful for.

I am thankful for my freedom, because even though waking up alone and not next to him is often sad, I am grateful to live in a world where the people I do see and interact with actually think I am worthwhile and they appreciate what I do and how much I care for them. I am grateful for my father and my sister who, despite driving me completely mental, love me and I love them, and even if our relationships are far from ideal, they are a bond I will never share with anyone else and most people will probably never experience.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be involved in a small business which is growing so fast that it is hard to keep up. We are going from strength to strength and even though we do our best to plan and to anticipate where the next growth will take place, the universe keeps us on our toes and makes it hard to see quite what will happen next. I am not anticipating that this involvement will make me a millionaire, but it is exciting, fun, stressful and I enjoy getting up every day and doing my best to make it a success - this in itself is reward enough for now, but who knows where we will end up, and had I not been forced to be homeless for almost 12 months I would never have had this opportunity, and to feel once again passionate and excited about my work, my contribution and my future.

I am so thankful that I decided to find a housemate, and was blessed with one that is such a complete joy to live with. It is not easy at 33 years old after living on your own for the majority or your life (other than living with various partners) to think about living with a complete stranger simply to pay the bills, and quite frankly, given I had my own home and was completely fine before this all happened, its a bit of a sobering experience to have to rent a place for the first time in your life and then find someone you don't know to move in - but I am glad every single day that I did. It is fantastic to live with someone who is completely faultless and who does nothing but bring a breath of fresh air into your life - this I have never known, even living with various partners!

So with all this thanking the universe and being pleased to be where I am and doing what I am doing, there is as one would expect, a slight twinge of sadness. I guess this is mainly from finding out that the ex has someone else in his life. That they are now enjoying happy times together in the house that I chose after many months of searching for the "right home" and that I thought that this was going to be the place where we would be together, and have a family and that I would make my home. Having someone else there is painful, I won't lie to you about that. Its especially painful when I am alone, I go to bed alone and I wake up alone and although I am not looking and don't expect to find someone to change that situation, I guess I was always hoping that one day I would. That one day I would find someone.

But I am grateful for the confidence I have in myself that I can be and am happy being on my own. It would be so much easier to feel good about myself by finding someone else to be with, but I don't want to do that, and certainly not for the wrong reasons.

Right now I don't expect to find anyone in a romantic sense, I am actually really happy not to, it seems a much better way of ensuring that there is no more heartbreak! I miss very much waking up next to "him", I miss cooking dinner for him every night, I miss cuddling with him on the couch at the end of the day, I miss watching the Footy Show on a Thursday evening, and watching the footy together on the weekends. I miss Saturday mornings, making breakfast and reading the papers together - but I am enjoying doing these things on my own, even if it hurts to know he is doing these things with someone else.

I guess what brings me comfort in this situation is knowing that he has contacted me on drunken evenings looking for sex, the old drunken root - this situation itself doesn't bring me comfort, it has made me feel like a whore but it does confirm for me that this was not a loving relationship and that things have certainly worked out in my favour. I do also feel fortunate that I am not the current girlfriend, who would not yet realise that he is seeking sex outside of what she probably thinks is a committed relationship.

So when I start to feel sad about what I have lost, and I remember happy memories and I recall how I thought it was going to be, and feel sad that things have ended up so completely differently to what I had planned - I start to think about the happy memories I am creating now, the enjoyment I am getting from doing the things that, whilst I didn't plan or expect to be doing them, that I really love doing them and feel once again, for a whole set o different reasons, completely happy and enthusiastic about what I expect with be a great future.