And then there was.....nothing

So after the big revelation, the moment of truth...what happens next....well I guess the other big question is.....why did he tell me?? To that I have no answer and never expect to get one, but to the first question, of what happens next? Well nothing really, things just go on as they have done before, we have sex, I enjoy it, I assume he does as well and then....well then there is nothing. Except it has done a truly amazing thing for me, it has freed me from my wondering and my questioning and has given me closure to a situation that I knew in my heart was taking place and which hurt me in a manner so painful I can never describe, but it brings sense to the otherwise senseless situation.
I don't talk about it to people much, but when I do the question of "what happens next, will you get back together?" comes up. To this I say "no", and although I had some feeling for a time that perhaps this was the reason he told me, to clear the decks and see what happens next, it was cancelled out when he asked me how I will be when he finds a girlfriend, to which I asked if there was any possibility that I might be in the running for this particular position, his answer was an emphatic "no" followed by a long list of reasons why not which centered around my family being incredibly dysfunction and various other issues, none of which I could fathom - I felt stupid for asking, wished that I hadn't and whilst I felt hurt, I knew that this is actually the truth, what I have come from does not make for a good future with any partner and certainly does not provide for a stable family environment with the prospect of children.
This was hard to swallow, I was hurt and felt like things were really all a bit pointless. It took some time for me to digest this, and at first I wanted nothing more to do with him, I wanted the reminder out of my life but then I realised that it was not him that was the problem, it was me, my family, what I have come from that is what I have been trying to run away from for so many years and the need to face this and stop trying to make my life into something it can never be suddenly became clear.
I realised that whilst because of my circumstances and my situation I can not have the life I wanted so badly, a partner, a family, all of which I saw as my reason to invest myself emotionally and mentally, I need to remove these as options from my life, they are not options for me, not at all, but that doesn't mean that there are not other things I can do with the time I have here.
I think the first step in my discovering my "new self" was the fact that I decided to get fit. I have always been fit, even most of my life I have been over-weight, I was only once ever at a weight I felt I looked ok at and that was when I was 19 and 20, I was a little over 50kgs then and felt good, and although I don't expect at nearly 34 to get back there again, below 60 would be good and the "ex" proposed a challenge once again to me to aim for 55kgs, he even offered to pay for the gym for me for 6 months, why I have no idea, and although I can't afford to join the gym I have declined the offer, I don't feel right about taking his money and despite the fact that 55kgs is my target, I don't want him to provide the membership with the knowledge that within that time he will find someone else and I will be "kicked to the curb" yet again and at that time I know I am likely to resent going, so much so that I fear that I will not continue to go at all.
So I set myself a 2 week plan for the school holidays, I would go every day for as close to 3 hours a day as I could muster - so far I have been successful and I have lost 2 kgs, much less than I had hoped for but it is the other effects of the new regime that I have reason to celebrate.
I am feeling better about things than I have done in ages, it has been more than a year since I have committed to exercises again, something that was ALWAYS part of my daily routine and for the past year or more I have not only missed it physically, but I have missed it psychologically. I am also happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I have actually wanted to be fit, to feel better and to enjoy the positive effects of being fit for myself and not for the pursuit of a relationship or to make myself more attractive to anyone else or to feel like I was doing it for the purpose of finding "that someone special". I already found that person, I know who he is, and he remains special to me, but I to him - well, there is no chance of that and there never will be, but I am remaining committed regardless.
I always knew that the secret to keeping the big "depression" at bay was to stay active, but the problem is that when you stop for a time it is really hard to see the point in starting again, and even harder to actually START again, and the longer this goes on for, the longer that inactivity becomes routine, the harder it is to get going again. This was a HUGE psychological barrier and I am proud that I have seemingly overcome it.
I am now becoming very accepting of my situation, my losses and my sadness. I am in a process of re-framing my life from where I hoped it would go, with a family, people to come home to and people to cook for and love - to accepting a life on my own and I am seeing a huge number of possibilities and positive in that fact alone.
What my situation, I realise now, provides me is not only a great deal of disappointment but a huge amount of possibilities and a number of which I am enjoying the process of contemplating.
My strong urge since visiting Bali and working the the street dogs there has been to return on a full-time basis, that dream is alive and well and whilst I am not sure quite when it will be that I make that move I have no doubt that I will make it, and soon if I can.
The business I am involved in, whilst it has its issues, one of which for me is largely the poor financial predicament it puts me in, is extremely enjoyable, for the first time in many many years I actually really love my job and my work, despite the lack of financial reward, and it is going extremely well so I hope that one day it will be more financially rewarding that it currently is, and whilst I hate being unable to do things because of a lack of financial security, I have accepted that I will never own my own home again, I will never be able to buy the things I always wanted and fill my dream home with, I am trying to believe that if you do what makes you happy then one day the financial rewards will follow.
I have also been made an offer to be finaically supported to start a business that I really have wanted to start for a very long time. At first I disregarded this offer and did not even think about it but lately I have been in contemplation again and have started to think that it may well be a good idea to engage in further conversation, at least - I am sure that couldn't hurt!
These things were holding me back, I kept thinking that firstly, I would fail to make a success of any of these things, because I didn't believe in myself, but then I also thought about how I would manage to do these things I had been thinking about for so long if the opportunity of a relationship and a family were to be presented again, but now, in my complete acceptance of the way my life has turned out, I realise that these opportunities should be seized, because it is not my destiny to be a mother, a partner, an owner of a home, it is my destiny to something completely different with my life, something I never even thought of as a possibility, as to what I will do yet I am really not sure, but I see opportunity where before I saw none.
With all this positiveness I guess the next big question is why I don't see another relationship on my horizon - the simple answer is that I know that I do not have the skills to be in a relationship! Time and many relationships before me have proven that! But the long answer is that I can never see myself being in love again.
I use to think that to have a successful long-term relationship you needed to be able to have similar goals and similar morals and believe systems and most of all you needed to be able to come home every day after work and not hate the person who you were coming home to, to see them as a friend and to be able to tolerate their habits, their weaknesses and even their family!
Then I had a relationship that made me think quite differently. I was in love with someone who made it possible to sleep soundly next to at night. Who made waking at night no longer an annoyance but a complete joy, simply because they were beside me, I would kiss him just for being there. Who made waking up in the morning, no matter how early (even on the weekends) a complete and utter excitement!
I found a person who would make me weak at the knees when he would kiss me, every single time, who made me sad when he walked out the door even when it was to buy the paper, a person who made me excited to come home, and who made me hold my breath with anticipation and excitement when he returned from work of an evening.
So the long answer is that I can not for the life of me expect to find such a person again, and actually I don't want to. I know he will find someone else who will be more suited to what he was after, who will come from a better family, who will be a better mother and a better partner, and who I am sure will make him happy - but for me, I am content to keep my memories and my dreams to myself.
He recently allowed me to spend some time with his daughter when she was in Melbourne. I was thrilled and enjoyed every single moment with her, chatting, being with her and doing things I thought she would like. I found it hard not to hug her more than I did. Not only is she absolutely beautiful she is also a wonderful person and has SO much to say, SO many interesting feelings and insights that she shares and such a truly stunning heart, it is so hard to stop from just hugging her.
I guess my feelings towards her are not unlike my feelings towards my other friends kids, I just see their innocence and their fragility and everything that is sweet and kind about them before life has a chance to cast its damage and I just want to hug them and love them and protect them from everything bad that could happen to them, but she is particularly special to me, and although she is at an age where being smothered by hugs and kissed is not all that cool, its all I want to do!
When I said good-bye to her I said 'I will see you next time', and although I hope I do, I also realise that the likely hood is that I wont. By the time she visits again it will be someone elses turn, and all I do is hope that they love her and hug her and enjoy her as much as I have done.
I drove away wondering if I will ever see her again......

The evening of revelations and at last - closure

For so long I have been trying to have closure on my previous relationship. A very hard thing to achieve when you have no actual break-up conversation, when you have never even discussed the reasons and the "what happened" or even so much as an actual "break-up" conversation - and when you are left with nothing but unanswered questions, hunches, feelings, intuition and thinking you know what happened because of certain factors, behaviours and event but actually not really knowing if any of these conclusions were correct.

For the longest time I assumed that I would actually never know what happened. I had accepted that I would be forever in the lost wilderness of loss without explanation. This was not a state I enjoyed and whilst I had given up thinking about it, I had drawn my own conclusions and was prepared to live with that.

Then, one recent and fateful evening the ex came calling for the usual - sex with no strings. Fine, no drama. Without prompting, without questioning and with nothing being discussed there was a revelation that took my breath away, and hit me like a truck, kicked my stomach in and ripped my heart out all at the same time. I had actually been right all the time. My instincts were correct and I was speechless.

He told me that the girl who he had become friends with during the time just prior to our trouble and who he had become closer to during the time when things were hard between us and I was away from the house, when we were going to "have some space" while trying to work things out, had become his girlfriend in November of last year.

When I found her business car in his wallet when getting some shopping money out (prior to my leaving) I suspected something. I had asked him about it and he reacted in the way I wish he wouldn't, he was secretive and dismissive, but it left a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I hated and was the feeling I had been waiting for - I knew the day would come when he would do this.

Four days after I left the house we called "home" to return to my house and pack up the last of my things and prepare the my sold house to be handed over to the new owner, there was a party at the pub next door to where we lived for one of the "locals". The ex and I discussed it and it was decided that at this time it would be best if I did not attend. Fine, no problems.

The next morning I sent him a text saying that we needed to discuss some of my moving arrangements. He did not answer. I sent him a few more before I called him a few times and he did not pick up the phone. I was concerned but tried to tell myself that I needed now, more than ever before to be able to trust him.

I logged onto Facebook during one of my breaks while packing and was presented with a number of photos of the previous evening with him and what turned out to be the same girl whose business card was being kept in his wallet. I felt sick and vomited into the garden. My worst fear had been realised.

I had sold my home. I had shed my possessions and had packed up my life to be with someone who had become easily distracted by the attraction of someone new. Someone he didn't have any problems or issues or history with. Someone who was simple and fun, exciting and new. Everything that I wish would never happened suddenly became real. It was at this point that I should have walked away. I will be forever regretting that I didn't just cut my losses, and just walk away from him and the whole fraught situation.

When I finally spoke to him later that day he told me that she had gone to the party with him. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend and he found that he could blow off some steam and have some fun with her, she had become extremely drunk and she had stayed over. She had slept in "our" bed, and he had slept on the couch. I accepted this from him and expressed to him that whilst this was a really bad judgement call on his behalf to do this and to also allow her to stay over and not just put her in a taxi home, I was prepared to believe him and let it pass, but it must not happen again.

But it was at this point that the seed of doubt was planted and everything that followed was based on the fact that this relationship had formed between them.

We agreed that this would not happen again and discussed my moving arrangements. He said he was not ready to have me home just yet and I accepted that at this point, I was probably needing some more time as well, especially given what had just transpired. At this point I literally had nowhere to go. I organised my dogs to be taken care of by my father and I went to stay with my sister, although it was clearly understood by all that this would be only for a few days.

The ex was under a massive amount of work pressure and was travelling for work all the time and away for long stretches. I went to stay at the house when he was away and hoped that when he got back that he would at some point want to talk and to make some decisions, after all I had nowhere to live and was running out of time.

My situation at work deteriorated and I was unable to concentrate for fear of what I was going to do, where I was going to live and the complete and total devastation that I was 32 years old and homeless and I so desperately wanted to go back home and be safe with him again, to have my life back, but every time he was home again from a work trip he didn't want to see me or talk to me. I knew he was out with this girl, her name is "Claire", and I knew that when he was with her, things were fun and new and he didn't have to face any hard decisions or any of the responsibility that I was dealing with.

We didn't see each other for long stretches of time. He never called, we texted and emailed and he kept promising that "soon" I would be able to go back home again. I was moving all the time. I moved 8 times and felt like my life was in ruins and kept trying to do everything he said I needed to do in order to come home - but when I did what he said he would still not see me and still he said it would all be ok "soon" but that he needed more time.

I really knew things were over when I had to start making longer term financial and work decisions and needed to start to find somewhere more permanent to live. He kept saying "soon" but meanwhile the work trips had stopped and the weekends were forever filled with me crying and him out having a great time, much of it I later found out was with "Claire".

I can completely understand why he felt like he didn't want to deal with the situation and with me at the time. I was angry, I was upset and distressed, but he never understood that this was because we didn't talk and I never knew what was going on, but the seed of doubt in my mind was forever growing, knowing that she was there, even if it was only as a "friend", she would not be hanging out with him and doing what she was doing if it were not for the fact that she was waiting for the right opportunity and moment to strike - this is what predatory and opportunistic women like her do.

It was so much easier for him to go out and get drunk and flirt and have a great time than it was to face any of the reality I was left to deal with. But this is what he does. He uses any means to escape any kind of emotional difficulty and challenging relationship conditions, and all the while we were growing further and further apart and I just wanted to grab him and slap him and say 'we are not in our early 20's anymore, this is life, deal with it and start to remember that we had something I thought was special, and you told me that you wanted to be with me and you seemed happy, so lets get this sorted and get on with our lives, it just doesn't have to be this hard, we could sort it out with a simple conversation!!!!'.

But we never got the opportunity to do that. I ended up going to Europe for a trip and it was agreed that we would meet and discuss where we stood when I got back. He was also due to be away during some of this time for work and told me he was getting back on a particular date, then he changed the date and I later found out that he had changed this date to go to an event with "Claire". More lies and more suspicion, and more putting me off because I was not quite as important as "her" or the social life. I felt betrayed and was wanting to know what was going on between them.

We met. It was horrible. I wanted honesty about the relationship he had formed with her and it became clear quite quickly that this was an area of extreme sensitivity. He would not answer any questions other than to tell me that yes, the "friendship" still existed and that yes, she had been staying over on occasion - this despite our agreement that this was inappropriate. He became angry when questioned and he left. A short time after this (as I was later to find out) he started a relationship with her.

During the 7 months that they were together I knew he was with her. I could tell from the way he was with me whenever we had to speak about something. He kept telling me that I was delusional to think that anything was going on but I reckon I could just about pinpoint the moment that she finally got him into the sack. He changed, he was different with me from that point on and for quite some time he didn't want to sleep with me.

He had to return some things of mine that I needed and he was always too busy, she was preventing him from doing it, she didn't want him to see me. She was occupying his mind and his every move and I could tell that he was not the same person anymore.

Then came Christmas. He sent me a text message on the day and we exchanged many that evening. I said that I wished that we were having the kind of Christmas that we used to have together and he once again gave me hope that we might just do that again in the future.

We slept together over the summer. He went cold suddenly after New Years Eve and he was not responding to my emails, but then he sent me a happy birthday text message on January 7th filled with kisses. Not long after this, I recall one night when he came over and we slept together and I drove him home the next day and asked if he had been having a fight with his girlfriend and he said he didn't have one, which I now know to be an untruth. I said that I know him too well for that and the only reason he would have come to sleep with me is that if he didn't have another option, he said that he was on his own and trying to work things out without a relationship, but I saw through this.

When he finally came clean and revealed all on this fateful evening I was as I said, shocked. More shocked really that he told me, not so much that it happened, because I already knew that. I knew that he was distracted all those months when I was desperately trying to work things out with him, I knew he had more fun and exciting ways to occupy his time, but the revelation took me by surprise because all of a sudden it was real.

I realised that everything I had been going through to try to recover what we had and to try to get my life back was completely and utterly pointless. She had him from that first night when she slept over and I never ever stood a chance no matter what I did.

I had hoped and prayed and believed that he had moved on from that mentality that if you just ignore the emotional stuff it will go away. I had hoped that he had valued me and what we had enough to see that this was a small stumbling block and that we could have sorted things out and we could have been happy again. But I was not enough for him and I knew when he told me the truth that I was never going to be and never could be. There would always be something else, someone else who was more exciting, new, without any problems or issues to work through. He just doesn't want to deal with any relationship challenges, ever, and certainly I was never important enough to want to change that.

After he left I was speaking to my housemate. She could tell something was wrong but it took me some time before I could find the words. I told her and she said 'that girl is going to have a lot of bad karma coming her way'. It was at that moment that I started to weep. I said 'you know, she should have a great deal of bad karma, but someone like her, who prays on a situation and a person and is as opportunistic as her.....well, those people seem to just go through life without karma catching up with them'.

He told me that she is 28 years old. She has a great family, comes from a great deal of money and I know from the photos that she is blond, slim and completely stunning. From my experience, people like that don't get caught by karma, they just go through life being happy and lucky and not facing anything significant and things just work out well for them.

I guess it hit me most that he had been so serious about her that he had wanted to have a family with her and he had spent a great deal of time getting to know her brothers and her parents in order to assess this and make that decision. Given how he feels about my family and how dysfunctional they are and the fact that he always found this a huge roadblock to us having a future together, I felt hurt because it once again proved to me that no matter how hard I try in life, no matter how hard I work to get out of the family situation I have come from and regardless of being the best person I can be, I will still always be judged on things that are completely and utterly out of my control.

I rung my best friend in the world Phil who now lives in London to tell him what I had been told. He, like me was speechless. But again, there was this feeling from him, as there was from me that we already knew anyway. I wasn't crying. I have not cried at all, but I continued to weep, the tears just streamed from me and were unstoppable, this was the case for the rest of the weekend.

Phil told me that he thought the ex was crazy to not have overlooked my family issues and told me that he felt that I am one of the most accepting and loving, caring people he has ever met. This made me weep even more. Why, if I have those qualities (which I do not profess by any means to have) would someone not value them? Why is it always that I am judged on where I have come from rather than who I am as a person.

The rest of the day I spent in bed. I wept, I slept when sleep would allow me to come. That evening my housemate came and knocked on my door and asked if I would like something to eat. I said that I would and I got up and it was night time. She had made me a wonderful dinner of homemade cheese, spinach and egg pie and salad and had put 2 strawberry fredo frogs on the side of my plate when she served me dinner on the couch. I asked why I had been given the frogs and she said 'because I bought them for you before when I went shopping, I know they are your favourite and I don't want you to be sad anymore'.

My heart melted when she served me a lovely dinner, but when she said that I started to weep again. Just the fact that someone thought I was worth doing something nice for was more lovely that I can ever put into words.

Since this time when my life essentially went down the toilet there have been very few of my friends who have actually made an effort to stay in touch or to offer their help and even fewer who have even made an effort to see me. Yeah, I have been slack on seeing them as well but that happens when you are homeless, dealing with the issues that go along with that, trying to move all the time and being completely preoccupied with worrying about where you will go next.

So during this time I have not only felt like the person I thought was my life partner, the first and only person I have ever loved had abandoned me, I also felt like the majority of my friends had as well. I was and have been certainly abandoned by my sister, who has never come to see me since I moved and who basically never enquires about my well being. There is certainly a tendency to start to feel like you are really quite worthless to anyone and everyone you know and who you have valued and who you thought valued you.

Phil calls these the "good-time friends", happy to be around when you are loads of fun, happy to call on you when they need you, but never there when things get hard. He has not been one of them. But the ex was and that is a mistake that I will be paying for for many years to come.

It no longer bothers me, what he told me that evening I am not jealous and not upset. I simply felt nothing when he told me other than shock and the feelings already described and also that he was telling me at all, why he told me I guess I will never actually know, he could have just said nothing - perhaps he just needed to get it off his conscious.....who knows.

Most of all I felt relief. I finally had closure. I knew I was not delusional and that what I had suspected all along actually happened. He did not cheat on me, I am not tarnishing him with that brush, but he allowed a third person to become involved in a situation that should have remained between two, just us. We could have resolved it, it was simple, easy and just needed a conversation without conflicted feelings and allowing others on the sidelines to fill our heads with "stuff".

He is a wonderful person and is actually a much better person than he gives himself credit for, I would love to have him and keep him in my life as long as I can hold onto what it is that he wants from me now, which is nothing but a physical thing for him.

I realise that he is just the kind of person who will always be seeking perfection and something better. I tried to make him happy, I did everything I could but I am not perfection, not by a long shot, and there will always be someone better. I don't have or come from a great, successful or wealthy family. My family is filled with complications and trauma and all the things I know make potential partners run from me. But they have also left me with some values and strengths and some characteristics that I had hoped one day someone would value. But that wasn't to be.

So where do the ex and I go from here.....well, as I said, I expect never to know why he told me what he did. I don't expect that in doing so he was hoping or expecting anything to change. It has not changed the way I feel about him. I will always have a wonderful and warm spot in my heart for him and will enjoy and revel in his company when he allows me to and whilst he continues his search for the perfect woman, and when he finds her I know I will be cast aside once again and I will accept this with grace and dignity, I hope.

I have not told many people about this, but those few I have told ask me if I think there is ever a chance that we could get back together - to this I say that I have no answer other than I know this is not what he would want. He is after something that I am simply not. He will never be happy until he gets what he has in his mind, and even then I suspect that he will want something more again.

I think what struck me most and what made me realise more than anything that we have no future together was when he told me that he and "Claire" went out on "dates", he would take her for nice dinners and take her out to places, the kind of thing I had hoped one day he might do for me, but he never did. He asked me out for dinner once when we were together, on valentines day. I bought a new dress for the occasion and he told me on the way home that he hated my dress and it made me look terrible.

I think ,when I look back at all these things it was simple he doesn't now and never did care for me at all, he doesn't want me back now and from the moment I left I expect that I was never even missed. But at the time these things were littered with so many happy times that I failed to see the truth.

The fact that I can be so easily forgotten by him and so many others makes me sad that I became a person who is so forgettable.

The fact that for the first time in my life I was passed over for someone 5 years younger that me leaves me in no doubt of what I can expect in the future if I ever let myself be drawn into another relationship - it certainly reaffirms my decision to stay away from anything like this, because there will forever be a better, more desirable and younger version waiting in the wings.

The relationship is over but the sex continues.

When I think about how long it has been since the "break up" (although there is no real or defined date) it seems like only yesterday in many ways but in others it feels like a lifetime, certainly because of how much I have changed since it happened, I feel like I am now a completely different person, I have completey different goals in life now, I don't have anything that even resembles the same life to what I had before or while I was with "him".

Then I realise that we have been apart for 16 months (although I am not sure that we actually broke up then, certainly I didn't think that we did until some time later on, although there has actually still never beenan actual break up) and when I think of it like that I realise just how impossible it is to go back.

Despite all this time, despite cutting off at various times for what seems like months but is probably in reality only weeks, there has basically been continual contact, sex has happened off and on. I guess if I really wanted no more contact I could make that happen, but I feel like I have tried and yet there is always something else....some other reason for us to exchange emails, text messages and if its not me making contact then its him.

I know he has been seeing someone and am not sure if that is still ongoing or how it is going but I don't care. I never wanted to be one of those women who slep with another womans boyfriend but quite frankly the world has thrown me so much shit that I no longer see the point in maintining moral standards, and trying to treat others the way I would have them treat me, nobody else seems to be playing by those rules as far as I can see I no longer feel like there is a need for me to either.

Whenever we have been together since we have not actually been together anymore, and especially anything recently, there has really been nothing, just sex, it has been good, it always is with him but it has not been great not exceptional and certainly nothing I thought about the next day. People would ask if I told them why I continue to do it with him, but I don't tell people anyway and if I did I would say that I just need to have sex from time to time, don't we all!!???!!

Recently this was diferent. Not different in a "lets get back together way", different in that he was more "him" again. The sex was mind blowing and was more the way it was when we were together, amazing and completely remarkable every time. We hugged and kissed and slept and talked and laughed. Yes, I laughed, like I have not laughed in over a year, the way he always made me laugh.

He always made me laugh, even when we were just friends I always knew that being with him I would laugh myself stupid all night and would be able to be my true self, then when we were together it was, for me anyway, a complete and total pleasure to do anything and everything with him there, he could turn the most mundane task into something funny and enjoyable - all I had to do was to think of him when we were apart and I would smile, and often laugh out loud at things that he said or did or stuff we did together. I felt relaxed and truely happy (I thought) with him - if I only knew what was to come.....

It was completely wonderful to be with him recently and yet sad at the same time. I no longer hate him. I no longer hold any resentment or anger towards him for anything and everything that happened, but there is a finality about what I feel and the whole situation that we have are in now that makes me feel sad, at times, only when I let myself.

But it is sad because there is certainly that feeling of even though it feels so right to be with him because I am completely myself and feel so "at home" I know it can never be again. Cue the music - Cher, If I could Turne Back Time!!

I worry for him. He seems sad and lost in a way and I still enjoy being with him and if I am truthful with myself I can say that I certainly still love him, but not in the way that I thought I once did and even though I have thought for some time that I never did love him at all, I guess I can still say that I do not know what it feels like yet to be "in love" with someone, I admit that for some time I thought I was with him but I know that was not the case now, I just got the feelings of loving someone in my life, a friend, confused with romantic feelings of being in love. But I know those feelings were never recipricated which I think they need to be to be truely in-love wit someone and when I think about what I gave up an what I went through because I thought he felt the same way, I must be honest and say that I am a little annoyed that he was not honest with me about his feelings and the fact that he never really wanted anything with me long term, he certainly could have saved me a great dea of money, trouble and heartache.

Stupidly though, there is a part of me that still wants to make him happy, I want to make him healthy, to cook good meals and to make his life easier and to be there when he comes home to have dinner made and to make his evening pleasurable - in any way that he wants it, but I know that when I tried that before, although I competely enjoyed it, he didn't care if I was there doing that or not, it never really mattered to him one way or another.

The sadness I feel comes from knowing that I can't turn back the hands of time. What I have with him now is just sex and that is all. That is all it can ever be. Those stollen moments when he doens't belong to someone else, and for that brief time he can be all mine. I am more that aware of how it is and I will never expect or desire anymore.

I would never be able to trust him again, not in a way that I would think he is being unfaithful, I always knew when I was with him and when I decided to be with him that he would be unfaithful at times, I acepted this as part of who he was and was willing to live with it because I knew that that the rest of him was so good that it was worth overlooking this flaw. But the inocent trust of thinking that he wouldn't hurt me like he did, that he wouldn't leave me on my own, homeless and broken and with things hanging and with no idea of what was going on in my life, no phone call, no communication, no break up, nothing.....just left, competely alone and broken. I never thought anyone could do that to someone. But it happened to me. I could never again trust anyone not to do that to me again, at some point eventually.

To be able to be with someone and to truly be happy I think I need to feel that the person would not leave when things get hard, that they would not throw me away like a dirty rag and not worry about what happens, that is something that I could never do to anyone but i have found that it is something others are willing and seemingly happy to do to me - that is the innocence of thinking that you have done enough to earn respect and care and even though I can get past this to forgive him, trust will never be there again and therefore happyness can never exist.

My resolve to remain on my own and to forgo any relationship remains, as does my decicion not to have children. I know that I can't be happy with anyone else but I can't have him and I can't be happy with him even if I could have him to myself, so I am content to share him. All I have is the time that he gives me, the time that we have together which is fun, where I get to laugh again, enjoy him and know that nothing will ever come of it.

The Sunday Roast - and the meaning of life

The Sunday Roast was always a fairly serious tradition in the Dalgleish household, well probably not so much in the household I grew up in but certainly my grandparents house, which for me essentially represented the "family home". We (my Dad, my sister and I) would always go down to Nan's for the event. During the day we would have watched the football on the TV in the afternoon in the lounge room while Nan would prepare the veggies in the kitchen from where she could see the TV, and certainly hear it, and would provide a running commentary that would make the paid professionals look like armatures.

There were cheers and insults and arguments about umpires calls that would make the most seaworthy sailors hair curl. The dogs would generally retreat to the safe confines of the floor under the dinning table provided and would make their way out when the 6pm channel nine news started at the exact time that dinner was served.....and it had better be at 6pm on the dot or my grandfather (Ted) would be sure to start wearing a hole in the footpath down the side of the house from pacing with complete frustration that dinner was not ready on time.

Now my grandparents are gone and there is no longer a family tradition of the Sunday roast, I find myself missing it very much. But things are different now. There is no family to speak of other than my Dad and my sister and they seem disinterested at best in continuing the tradition. So when I was with the ex I made a point of making it our tradition and to make it special. I would always ask my sister but she would decline and my father would come during the week and pick up a few meals I had made with the left overs, but the meal was always a lovely time for the ex and I. The end of a long and hard weekend and a chance to spend some time together on the couch.

I find myself now missing both of these scenarios. So much that I actually often still make the Sunday roast. Nobody eats it. Except my Dad, he comes during the week to pick up his meals for the week and I always prepare a couple of roast dinners for him. But there is no longer a tradition. No longer a time shared while eating a meal, and no longer a partner or a family to share it with.

Thinking about this makes me sad. Having no capacity to change it makes me feel sad as well but mainly disappointed. Disappointed with my choices, the way my life has turned out and mostly sad that I won't have the opportunity to have that in my life again, it was something I always enjoyed. But I never feel that I should have cherished those moments more because I loved every second I ever spent with my family, in the days when we were together and every meal I ever made for my ex was made with a huge amount of love, enjoyment and pleasure, as I cherished every second we were together, even though I now know that what I was living was a complete fabrication.

Living alone and knowing that I will always be alone and not have a family or a partner presents its challenges. Waking up alone becomes easier as the time goes by, even that thought in the moment upon waking that you are alone and will forever be waking up alone, becomes easier and tends not to be given the same recognition that it once did, when the gaping hole in you're bed was a reminder of another failed relationship, in these times it takes time before you start to sleep in the middle of the bed again, you still leave one side of the bed vacant, just in case things were to ever change. When you get to the point where you sleep in the middle, or roll around during the night you know that hope has been lost that you will share the bed again and you begin to wonder how you ever did share it to begin with!

Going to bed is much the same. Often it actually feels quite wonderful and indulgent to go to bed at 7.30pm every night and know that sleep is only moments away, no chatter, no sex, no disturbances to keep you awake, there is certainly something liberating about it.

It is also liberating to eat what you want, to forget about exercising! Why would you even bother watching what you eat or staying in shape if you no longer seek to please or to find a mate!? What is the point of maintaining a healthy lifestyle if you will not be around to watch family grow and to be a part of a family in some way, you begin to realise that financially and emotionally you have not built enough to be able to live that long anyway!

Smoking can be enjoyed completely guilt free! Drinking can be embraced and personal grooming requires no more than the occasional shave, occasional wash of the hair and no youth retaining products, no expensive hairdressing visits and certainly no purchasing of make up, clothes, shoes or accessories.

There is no longer a need to save for the future, to worry about buying property and paying off a mortgage, filling up superannuation and becoming "financially stable" - these things are the realm of those who expect and plan for family life, for a long and healthy existence and for a retirement with a partner and family, but when these things are not longer an option or a possibility to you, the need no longer exists.

There is something extremely liberating about knowing that all you really need to do is to work to live for the now. You don't need to have financial goals and targets for the future, as long as the rent is paid and the lights are on that's all that really matters!

And that is where we start to wonder what on earth we were meant to be doing here in life?? The old "meaning of life question".....was it just that I was put here to enjoy certain things, to form certain views, to hold certain values, to have hopes and dreams and wants and desires only to find that the universe has other plans? Other ways it wants me to be spending my time??

To be honest I am not sure yet. I don't know what the meaning of "life" is, I certainly have not found the meaning of my own life, what I am meant to be doing with it, whilst I know that I am not to have the traditional family, partner and children thing going on, and can be completely certain about that, I am not certain about what it is that I AM meant to be doing.........the search continues.

Love never fails us

I read the phrase "love never fails us" a few days ago and spent some time contemplating this. "Love" in itself is an interesting concept. I certainly believed that my first experience of love, or being in love, was with "the ex", and often wondered why it had actually taken so long before I had ever felt this feeling before, given that I have had a number of relationships and certainly have been hurt before by the ending of them, and have been married to a wonderful man who certainly deserved to be loved by me.
I have always had an enormous amount of love for my family, and most definitely for my dogs, and I can't say for a second that my lack of "falling in love" was a result of any childhood issues, like not being shown love towards me or not having witnessed it for myself between a "couple". My father certainly loved my mother, and I have happy memories of him showering her in love....I guess when I think back on that though, I don't have any memories at all or her showing him any love, I never thought so at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight, it was probably a very one way street as far as their relationship was concerned.
I was discussing this concept of "love" within relationships with my shrink recently and described my grandparents relationship as "codependent, alcoholic, dysfunctional but still full of love to me" and my shrink stopped me and said 'what you have just described was your own relationship with "the ex"' - and I realised that this was actually probably true.
It was this realisation that also made me aware of why this break up has been so hard for me, other than the financial loss and the betrayal of trust which obviously has a huge impact......it was the fact that it was not actually "love" at all that I was experiencing here, it was something I felt was safe and familiar, but not in any way good or loving or positive - once again, the universe seems to have saved me from something, even if it was actually very painful at the time.
After much consideration I realised that I have actually never been in love. Considering the saying "love never fails us" has probably a little to do with that realisation, because it certainly failed me badly! But when I think of "him" now I have no feeling at all towards him.
I certainly feel happy for various ex's who have moved onto wonderful relationship, including my ex-husband who is now remarried and has recently had a little girl, I feel really happy and a degree of unselfish love towards him that he is so happy and that he is gaining so much joy from being a father and a loving husband, but for the ex who ruined my life? Well I just feel nothing, dead.
I'm certainly not angry, not sad. Just nothing.. Perhaps the hypnotherapy is working....but actually I think its bigger than that. I think I actually never loved him at all. I try to think about what my reaction would be if he died some horrible death.....or was injured in some horrible accident - and still nothing.
So why did I think he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life? Why did I think I wanted to have a family with him? Why did I think he was the first person I had ever had feelings of love for?
I have tried to work this out in an attempt to make sure that I don't make the same mistake again. I have a feeling that the reasons for my feeling that this person was my soul mate was to do with the fact that he is a fairly lost soul as well, and that our relationship did actually resemble so much of my grandparents relationship that it provided a familiarity that I was comfortable in, and for that reason, realising that I am too a lost soul, I thought for a time that we were great, magical and amazing together, but with the reflection of life and the other things that happen, I guess you start to realise that whilst we were two lost souls, he is lost in a different manner to me, my care and affection was certainly (much like my fathers towards my mother) a one way street, and my attempts to try to salvage "something" even if that were only to remain friends as we had been before are no successful because he actually doesn't have the capacity to feel anything.
Even if I can recognise now that I was not in love with him, and that I actually don't care at all what happens to him, there is still a part of me that wants him to be happy and to have a great life, and certainly I have always been honest with him, honest as I could be with my feelings as I knew them to be at the time.
I am not sure that he has that capacity though, I will wonder for some time I expect in an attempt to work out how his mind and feelings work....I know that he can not be honest and true and certainly not relied upon, but the rest of what happened and what remains is a complete mystery to me and will probably be so for the rest of my days.
So does "love never fail us"?.....I don't know, I am yet to find out, but with a decision to not date or become emotionally involved with anyone again then I guess I will never know!

Hypnosis for a broken heart

Hypnosis for a broken heart? Anyone thinking about the wonderful movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind??

It is a movie I have watched many times and have cried and cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore, but then it leaves you with all this stuff to think about, just as all the great movies do.

If you haven't seen it then do, and for those who haven't for the sake of this blog, the concept is that a couple of lovers have an interaction which is portrayed as being extremely full of love, affection and really quite life changing. The relationship fails and the film depicts the heartbreak and pain felt by both. Until one elects to have the memories of the relationship erased from their mind, leaving the question to the viewing audience, 'is it better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all' - or basically, would you trade the good times, the memories and the feelings of complete and utter happiness, for nothing at all, the elimination of what is good so that there is no longer pain.......

Well I recently started undergoing a series of sessions of hypnosis for my broken heart. And before I start to sound like a nutcase who simply can't get over someone, or like some sort obsessed stalker I would just like to state that I have NEVER done a "drive-by", I have NEVER turned up at places that I knew my ex would be in order to create some kind of "incident" or "exchange". I am not a stalker and have never participated in this kind of obsessive activity, nor have I been sitting around obsessing about him and what he is doing or anything of that nature.

I have however, found it very difficult to get over the situation. Yes, the situation, not "him", its the lies, the deceit and the months of mental anguish that have been really hard to recover from, not to mention the selling of my home and the being homeless and so forth......these things actually are really hard to move on from.

I recall at one stage he said to me 'just go and live your life' - nice suggestion, but when you have nowhere to live and no idea about what is going on because there has actually been no conversation, then "living your life" becomes a little more difficult than it may seem! Although not for him, because HIS life continued as if I had never ever been there!

Anyway, my shrink and I talked about it and as she does hypnosis we decided to do a number of sessions to eliminate all memory or the ex, not him so much but the memories associated with him, the happy ones, the sad ones and mainly, eliminate the memories of hurt and pain associated with him, and just to make my feelings toward him completely neutral.

So it was not like the movie in as much as the person is completely deleted from your mind, it was done in stages and was done so that I still know who the person is, and my mind is more than aware of what has happened between us, and I am more than aware of how I was treated and what he did to me, but it is probably best described as being that these things are now not cutting every time I think of them, they do not feel raw anymore.

The memories of good times are completely gone. I do not associate him with anything good or happy in my life, the bad memories are gone as well, not the facts, but the memories of the bad things that happened are gone in as much as there is no feeling in them anymore, sort of like they are faded - if that makes sense.....the same with the good stuff, its gone, there are no feelings associated with it, but its not as if I have no memory at all, but I don't feel anything towards these times.

So I guess the big question is "do I feel any better" - well yes! I do! In a crazy sort of way I feel towards him nothing......and towards that time.....nothing, again......that is not to say that if he came back with some crazy declarations of love and wanting to "work it out" (at the same time I expect hell would be freezing over) that I would not know who he was, but I would just not feel anger or hatred towards him, or love or kindness, it would just be the same as dating anyone else new I guess, to see what happens and if you like the person and what they do and how they behave etc and make a decision about what happens next based upon that.

I feel better because the memories are not so raw anymore. The painful things that happened are not at the forefront of my mind, and I am not reminded of the good times and saddened at the loss of these. But it certainly is not like it is portrayed in the movie, the complete elimination of the person is not really possible from what I understand - although the thought I have to say is somewhat tempting to think about!

I was reading my horoscope the other day and it said 'take yourself back to the moment of your greatest mistake, the moment that you wish had never happened', the first thing that came to my mind was the moment that things went bad between us, my initial thought was that this was the moment of my greatest mistake, not the moment that we kicked off our relationship, although both these moments in time could be said to be equally the moments of my biggest mistake.

The question, would I change anything, stayed with me for some time and I started to think about this and really decide if I WOULD actually change things. Well, yes I would. I would change all of it. I would give my right arm to be back in my house, to have this never have happened with "him" and to be living as I did when we were just friends. This is largely because I DO miss him as a friend, and I miss being naive enough to think he was a friend (although my assessment on this has clearly altered) I also miss living where I did and having the security of having my own home. But at the same time, I am really happy with my life the way it now is. I love my work and I love what each day brings. These are things that would not be possible if none of the horrible stuff had happened........

So, can we assume then that whatever it is that you or I believe in, that something in the universe was doing the right thing by me to take me out of that situation, as happy as it may have bee at the time.........

If that is the case, do we then think that hypnosis is a valid tool to use in the recovery process after a relationship is over??? I don't know really.......I am still thinking about it to be honest. I have always thought that is was best to face your demons, to face them and to make them back down and to come out of a painful situation a stronger a better person........but then I also think that gaining some assistance to reach the subconscious mind might be a useful tool, not to eliminate the person from you mind, as in the case in the movie, but to help with the hurt of certain events or treatment that actually is not necessarily encountered with every break up, but if it is evident, can help to build your resilience and really refocus you attention on more positive things which then helps to build self esteme and so forth.

However, as the movie shows, to eliminate someone completely and all memory of the events associated with that person actually doesn't provide a growth experience, because you are essentially going to do the same thing and make the same mistakes again, so I am not convinced that this kind of hypnosis is and can be helpful or healthy, but for me, this was not how it was used and certainly not the effect it has had.

Well, regardless of the hypnosis, but certainly with its assistance, I have certainly become a stronger person. A better person? .... well you would have to ask those around me. They have certainly reported that I am not the same person, that I am not as fun, not as carefree, and perhaps not as caring or trusting. So it could be said then that the hypnosis has not actually affected my experience in as much as it has not taken away the leaning and development process that came along with the situation I was trying to erase......and I won't be using hypnosis to try to undo this or to bring those qualities back because they now form part of who I am.

Family and creating one

Recently I started to think about my goals in life, where I see myself in the future and generally what sort of life I would like to have. This reassessment was largely forced by the breakdown of my relationship, a move to a very different physical and emotional location, and my living arrangements being very different to what I had anticipated, not only because of the plans I had with the ex being completely redundant, but also the major change of career, the fact that I turned 33 and feel like 34 is not far away, an the death of 3 very close and significant people in my life I'm quite sure has had an affect.

I was thinking about how quickly the last 10 years have gone, or even the last 15 years. It feels like only yesterday that I was leaving high school and I felt like anything in the world was possible, but in the blink of an eye the mid-thirties are descending and suddenly there are limitations, and of course experiences that begin to impose themselves.

I don't know quite where I thought I would be and what I would be doing at 33, when I was in my 20's, I can say that I never expected to be living the life I am now (that is not to say that I am unhappy about where I am or what I am doing) but I guess the first thing is that I probably never expected to BE 33!

I can't say that I have always had a burning ambition to have children and to be a mother but I certainly felt very sure when the ex and I were planning to start a family that it was what I wanted at that time. I have felt more of a desire to have a family since turning 30, I guess you start to realise that you don't have as much time left as you do when you are in your 20's, but I think what most excited me about the prospect was that I wanted to create my own family, because I really don't have that much of my own. My father and my sister and I are really it, and the thought of having a partner that I loved and creating a family together was extremely appealing.

But as we know, things change. Circumstances change, and whilst I am open to the possibilities and options that life presents, there are some things that I feel are worth considering by myself and for myself, without the distraction of feeling that I am in love with someone and making decisions based upon what ultimately is and could as my situation proved to be, actually not a loving partnership, but just a bunch of words and commitments people often make to each other when they enjoy having sex!

After much reflection, about many issues and aspects, I have decided that I do not want, and will not have children. This is probably something that many people say (including myself) at various times and stages, but my decision is considerably more final than simply making the statement. I am going to have my tubes tied.

This is not a decision I have or am taking lightly, and the process has been a very long and well considered one. I will attempt to work through these now.

Firstly, I was recently speaking to a wonderful male friend of mine while out for drinks. We discussed our current situations and he asked me about meeting someone new. Whilst I have dated other men since my break up, it has not taken long before it was clear that it was unworkable. I simply stated to my friend that "it had broken me" (being the demise of my relationship) and with that, without becoming hysterical or becoming a spectacle, tears were rolling furiously down my face. He was, as always, amazing in his response. He looked at me with respect, care and compassion and just said "I know, I can see that". It was very apparent to me at this time that I have changed so significantly due to this relationship, or the demise of it, so much so tat the people who know are care for me can see this as clear as day. This saddens me, but makes me realise that making a commitment to someone, and really loving and trusting that person is very rarely a good thing.

The truth is that I have not cried often, and my outburst was extremely unusual and surprising. But the reality is that I have been broken by what has happened. Not in as much as that I will never have a relationship again, I may do, although I certainly do not seek this or want for this in any way. Its the innocence of thinking that you are in love with someone and that they are in love with you that has been broken. The trust and everything sacred being betrayed, and not when you are in your 20's, but later in life I think this is quite significant. I can not longer believe in the fairytale, in love, and in that when you give yourself to someone in that capacity, that even if the relationship fails, they will still treat you like you once mattered.

Having seen so closely, witnessed more than I should have my own parents bitter and nasty split, I have always ended relationships with a level of decency. Its what my mother never gave to my father and why his life has been ruined as a result. I hoped that it was just the fact that my mother is a complete nutcase that people end like this, but now having gone through a situation where there is no discussion, no end, just hate and anger and not even the respect to face each other and end things - I realise that there are far too many people who do this than I had hoped. I don't believe this is kind, and as my father always said to me at the end of one of my own relationships 'you chose to be with that person so you end it like an adult, show them respect and do not hold anger towards them, it will only eat you from the inside'. He was right - but what do you do, how do you do this when the other person is unwilling and makes that impossible???

So my concern about having children is that I never, ever want them to experience what I did, not the single parent thing, that is fine, I never want that for me, but I am not suggesting that it is not a perfectly acceptable and good way to raise a child or children - but my experience of bitterness with my recent split has made me realise that no matter how carefully you think you are selecting someone, and no matter what you say to each other about ending things like adults (if that were to happen) during the good times - you actually just never know how someone will behave when the end actually does happen.

That brings me to my next point, selecting a partner. After my previous experience I have reflected on my previous relationships and whilst they are certainly not all bad, I would have to say that my selection process and the types of people I have been with have not been parent material. I probably knew that for most of them at the time, and the only one I was ever actually really sure I wanted to be with, and wanted to have a family with was the last one, I was more sure of that than anything I have been in my life, and yet I was so completely off in my judgement. This has confirmed for me that by ability to make the right choices about these things is completely and utterly misguided.

I think what confirmed this even more was that recently I received a beautiful email from my ex-husband who told me about the arrival of his first child. We have a good and friendly relationship and I am completely thrilled for him that he is so happy and that he shared this with me. But I did realise that I had made a huge mistake. I never actually wanted to have children with him, and yet he was a wonderful husband and will be a fantastic father, I missed my opportunity with him - once again proving that I do not have, for some reason, the capacity to identify who would be a great partner and father.

I need to be clear here, it is not the fact that the relationship ended that I feel this way, it is actually about the way in which it ended. My ability to believe that people can behave well and treat each other well and end things with compassion and dignity is what has been broken most, not the loss of the person.

So with that I move onto my next point. My family. I have a deep and strong connection with my family, or those who remain at least. But our past has been not only dysfunctional, but scaring beyond description.

The ex would often question this history in his process of deciding if a family with me was what he wanted (and I need to stipulate here that at no time did I ever push, question or rush this, it was his decision making process alone, in working out if he wanted to make a commitment to me in this way). He often told me how crappy my family is and how this is not the kind of family that he wanted to raise children within - this I never argued with or refuted. I only ever said that I believed that the strong bond, the dedication and the unconditional love that is always evident in my family, I believed was enough to overcome the hideous scares that we all still bare from what has been many generations of family breakdown, drug addiction, alcoholism, violence and pain.

My belief was always that every generation do it better. My father grew up in a children's home in the 1950's, a painful and horrid childhood, the memories of which still haunt him. But he was a born father, and although his marriage failed, he became a drug addict and a serious alcoholic, he did his best and later in life got clean and sober and has been for more than 10 years, and accomplishment I am proud of every day.

My father was not perfect, but he tried his best and did his best and even though things were hard and our experiences during his addiction were unspeakably bad, there was never any doubt that he loved us. My father has never dated anyone since my mother left. He raised my sister and I on his own under circumstances that were unlivable by most peoples standards, and I always believed that we as a family had shown strength enough to endure just about anything.

But thinking about all the times that the ex (who actually knows very little of those times, simply because I don't talk about them), I realised that he actually has a point. It actually doesn't matter how much you love your kids, how hard you try or how devoted or strong you are, if you have a history that involved generational family breakdown to this extent, then actually you are far better off not continuing the cycle for another generation. Even though you may think that each generation improves, this is not what I want children of mine to even know about let alone experience or be affected by.

The next reason I have for my decision involves myself and my ability to be a mother. The ex questioned often my ability to be a capable mother. This was based on many things, one is that I don't have and have never had a relationship with my own mother. I often disputed that on the basis on the fact that my grandmother was essentially a mother to me, sh was my "mother figure" and I never considered that I had missed out because I had such a strong and positive relationship and role model in her.

Recently however I have realised that the ex was actually right about this to a large degree. Not having a mother who I lived with and who I have as a role model from that perspective is not setting me up well to be a success in this area, and whilst I had hoped and believed that I would simply want to do everything as a mother that I never had, I actually don't have the ability or capacity to know that what I am doing is the right thing. Simply speaking, the risk is far to great.

He also questioned my smoking and drinking, well, this is a good point. Would I ever have smoked or drank whilst I was pregnant? Absolutely not. But would the fact that I have enjoyed these things for so many years, at my age, have an affect on an unborn child? I don't know, probably, and again, the risk is far too great.

My final reason for making the decision I have made has two aspects to it. One is that I have had two pregnancies to the ex that I did not continue with. These are two of the greatest mistakes and regrets of my life. However, I believe that the universe sends you certain things, at certain times, opportunities, chances to learn etc. Whilst I regret both these decisions, I believe that they were my chances to work things out, to somehow find a way to be the best parent that I could be, but I chose a simple option, one that whilst I am not suggesting for a second is not completely valid and the right one for many people, but was the wrong one for me. So now, as a result, the universe is sending me the message that I nerd to question more closely my choices and decisions.

Don't get me wrong. I am not for a second suggesting that because of my relationship failing that I have decided to take such drastic measures, or that the things he said to me have in some way harmed me and given me the impression that no man would want me to be the mother of their children. The comments he made and the consideration that he went through actually made me respect and love him more and reassure me more that it was him that I wanted to be the father of my children, but I guess the kinds of issues he raised were things that I may not have considered or viewed from an outsiders perspective.

I think when you are involved in what you believe to be loving and strong relationships within your own family, or when you grow into what you view to be a strong and capable human being, you are not always aware of how you really rate in terms of outside expectations. You see things with blinkers on and think that things will be ok, when really, other around you may see things very differently. They may look at you and your situation honestly when you have a tendency to view them through rose coloured glasses. So it is not his actions or words that have made me think about things, rather the whole packages, the sequence of events, my reflection about my own feelings and my delusions about happily ever after etc which I have outlined above.

The reality is that I take the decision to have children extremely seriously. I also take the decision to NOT have a family equally as seriously. Some may think that because of my caution and my questioning this process I am actually far better off qualified to be a parent than all those who have children for the "wrong reasons" - well this may be so, but for me, this is not enough.

Whilst there are some small parts of me that feel sad that I will not have my own family, I feel very much that my decision is right for me.

Something to feel happy about

I won't lie. The last 12 months or more have been pure hell. When I think about what has happened, what I have been through and what I have lost, I feel physically sick, and extremely sad. Whats more, when I think about why I lost what I did, I feel even worse. I feel foolish, stupid and embarrassed when I think about the fact that I gave up my life as I knew it, sold my home and thought I was going to live happily ever after with the "love of my life" - even more so because everyone told me I was making a mistake, and whilst I have made excuses for him, and tried to see thing differently, the truth is that I gave up everything I had worked all my life for to be with someone I loved dearly, who in actual fact never loved me in return. This is why I feel like a fool. So much so that I have often found it hard to face my friends and family because of the shame and stupidity that I have felt.

But this installment is not about the bad stuff, its about focusing on the good things that have happened as a result of this complete and utter disaster. For so long it seemed that I felt nothing but bad about the situation, and about my life and where it has ended up as a result of "falling in love" with the wrong person, and I am not sure when, but it just happened one day that I woke up, and instead of feeling sad that the ex was not there, and remembering all the pain associated with this, I suddenly felt energised and really, genuinely happy to be alive , to be living the life I am living (with all its flaws) and to have the opportunities that this horrible situation has provided to me.

Don't for a second think that this is going to be one of those "I love the world" or "positive thinking brings positive results" kind of things, because that is simply not my game. But for such a long time I have felt like I had this huge opportunity to have a great life with someone I loved and worshiped and gave my all to, and have felt like basically a piece of shit for not being able to let that become a reality. I blamed myself, I was too dumb, too fat, too this or too that. Whatever, I have actually realised that I gave it my best shot, I did everything I could for the bloke and he didn't want me, not because of me but because of him.

I started to look at my life and how its changed and try to see those changes for the better. For one, I am not in a relationship where I am not loved and cherished for the person I am. I might be on my own but that is a much better place to be than with someone who doesn't really want to be there. I was spared the indignity of having children within this relationship - whilst I had thought this was something that would have been a wonderful experience, and having children with him was really something that I wanted, I am glad not to be, and know that I now won't be in a situation where I am raising children on my own, because I now realise that he would never have stayed.

I think that when I realised that I really don't want to be with someone who ends what I considered a serious relationship via email, and gained the self worth to feel that I truly deserved better, that my perspective started to shift, it wasn't about me, it was about him not being able to or better yet, wanting to conduct more meaningful and adult communication, I realised that I was indeed better off without him.

As a result I felt like the sun was suddenly shining on me, and all I can see now is what is good and positive, and the things I am grateful for.

I am thankful for my freedom, because even though waking up alone and not next to him is often sad, I am grateful to live in a world where the people I do see and interact with actually think I am worthwhile and they appreciate what I do and how much I care for them. I am grateful for my father and my sister who, despite driving me completely mental, love me and I love them, and even if our relationships are far from ideal, they are a bond I will never share with anyone else and most people will probably never experience.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be involved in a small business which is growing so fast that it is hard to keep up. We are going from strength to strength and even though we do our best to plan and to anticipate where the next growth will take place, the universe keeps us on our toes and makes it hard to see quite what will happen next. I am not anticipating that this involvement will make me a millionaire, but it is exciting, fun, stressful and I enjoy getting up every day and doing my best to make it a success - this in itself is reward enough for now, but who knows where we will end up, and had I not been forced to be homeless for almost 12 months I would never have had this opportunity, and to feel once again passionate and excited about my work, my contribution and my future.

I am so thankful that I decided to find a housemate, and was blessed with one that is such a complete joy to live with. It is not easy at 33 years old after living on your own for the majority or your life (other than living with various partners) to think about living with a complete stranger simply to pay the bills, and quite frankly, given I had my own home and was completely fine before this all happened, its a bit of a sobering experience to have to rent a place for the first time in your life and then find someone you don't know to move in - but I am glad every single day that I did. It is fantastic to live with someone who is completely faultless and who does nothing but bring a breath of fresh air into your life - this I have never known, even living with various partners!

So with all this thanking the universe and being pleased to be where I am and doing what I am doing, there is as one would expect, a slight twinge of sadness. I guess this is mainly from finding out that the ex has someone else in his life. That they are now enjoying happy times together in the house that I chose after many months of searching for the "right home" and that I thought that this was going to be the place where we would be together, and have a family and that I would make my home. Having someone else there is painful, I won't lie to you about that. Its especially painful when I am alone, I go to bed alone and I wake up alone and although I am not looking and don't expect to find someone to change that situation, I guess I was always hoping that one day I would. That one day I would find someone.

But I am grateful for the confidence I have in myself that I can be and am happy being on my own. It would be so much easier to feel good about myself by finding someone else to be with, but I don't want to do that, and certainly not for the wrong reasons.

Right now I don't expect to find anyone in a romantic sense, I am actually really happy not to, it seems a much better way of ensuring that there is no more heartbreak! I miss very much waking up next to "him", I miss cooking dinner for him every night, I miss cuddling with him on the couch at the end of the day, I miss watching the Footy Show on a Thursday evening, and watching the footy together on the weekends. I miss Saturday mornings, making breakfast and reading the papers together - but I am enjoying doing these things on my own, even if it hurts to know he is doing these things with someone else.

I guess what brings me comfort in this situation is knowing that he has contacted me on drunken evenings looking for sex, the old drunken root - this situation itself doesn't bring me comfort, it has made me feel like a whore but it does confirm for me that this was not a loving relationship and that things have certainly worked out in my favour. I do also feel fortunate that I am not the current girlfriend, who would not yet realise that he is seeking sex outside of what she probably thinks is a committed relationship.

So when I start to feel sad about what I have lost, and I remember happy memories and I recall how I thought it was going to be, and feel sad that things have ended up so completely differently to what I had planned - I start to think about the happy memories I am creating now, the enjoyment I am getting from doing the things that, whilst I didn't plan or expect to be doing them, that I really love doing them and feel once again, for a whole set o different reasons, completely happy and enthusiastic about what I expect with be a great future.

The young spunk - somthing light hearted!

So many of my blogs for some months now have been rather drab and depressing - well, certainly the stuff of heartbreak and sorrow. So I have decided to try o get back to writing something a bit more funny.....well, I hope you find it as funny as me!
Whilst living with my uncle last year I had the privilege of living also with my 21 year old cousin and is girlfriend - now some people would think this would be a nightmare, the drug smoking mad uncle and the young cousin and his even younger girlfriend, and I have to say that at time it certainly was - and due to my drug smoking and mad uncle, a nightmare does not even come close to describing how bad it was at times, but my cousin and his girlfriend were like a breath of fresh air!
They were young and carefree and had little understanding of how shit life could get at times, so there was no bonding over hard times, it was laughs and fun times, and when their friends came around it was like I was in my early 20's again at times!
I was back from my trip to Europe and once again had been let down by the ex who had promised that we would work things out when I got back - Collingwood had done me a massive favour of drawing the Grand Final when I was almost too jet lagged to enjoy it and were set to relive the whole Grand Final Week with me in town to be a part of it and to get set for the second round - the REAL Grand Final!
We decided to have a BBQ and party at our house, the week was full of preparations an excitement and to add to the festivities was the fact that my cousin is a St Kilda fan and as we were due to play them for the second time in a Grand Final the heat was on - in our house and the rest of Melbourne!
The morning of the Grand Final arrived and there was no doubt I was ready, but I was hungover - I probably should go back to the night before the Grand Final when my darling cousin called me and asked me to come and pick him up - he was drunk and desperate. I had been out myself that evening and was fast asleep in bed, stoned and certainly drunk.
I had been asleep for a while and figured that I was probably ok to drive the back street and went to pick him up. It turns out that he was with a group of mates - they piled into my car, way more than I should have been travelling with and we headed home.
The boys and I arrived and hooked into the curry and the rest of the food and booze I had organised for the next day - it was about 4am so I figured that the game started in a few hours so what was the harm??
Wesatup and watched the sun rise and all the while I was in deep conversation with my cousins "hot mate" who is the lady killer amongst the group and its easy to see why.
He is not overly tall but tall enough, had a body to die for and a face that looks like you could just eat it is so cute. He has recently started modeling and I can certainly see why!
Other than being incredibly good looking and sexy the boy was nice, really nice, and he was smart. We spoke for hours and the conversation never was hard or anything but really interesting - despite being quote drunk!
Just after watching the sun rise we kissed and headed for my room. We had sex like I was a teenager again but with more experience and a better understanding of how to enjoy it!

He was simply and utterly amazing. His blue eyes never stopped looking at me with pure lust and enjoyment and his body was so simply amazing that I never wanted it to end.
I started to reflect back to the ex and sex with him. I found that we had a great sex life and was completely satisfied but there is something about shagging someone who is young enough to be your child that makes it that much more exciting, plus, he didn;t have the energy of someone in his 40's, he was in his 20's, early 20's, although I didn;t know how old, I knew that much at least! And he was bending me in ways that I didn't know were even possible!

After the whole thrilling thing was over he told me her was so nervous and hoped that I had enjoyed it! I told him I had, I had enjoyed it MANY times! And he asked how old I was and I told him and then I asked him how old he was and he told me he was 23 and we laughed so hard that we started kissing and did it all over again. My god I though, there was no doubt, I would be walking funny tomorrow! I had not had sex like this since I was in high school!
The next morning my hip was our, I could barley stand up, my head hurt and all I could think about was the footy and what I could eat - age I thought, that's what has happened to me, because when I was young my hips were not a problem, I could get past the walking funny and the headache and food was never something I needed after a night of booze, a couple of bits of Vegemite toast would have done the trick!
To cut a long story short, the day was brilliant, Collingwood won the Grand Final, I went out for dinner with my Dad - completely drunk and I drank champers and ate food that I could only ever dream of buying o any normal occasion.
Later that evening I went home and crashed into bed. I was woken by the young Brad snuggling in bed with me after coming home fro his own night out with my cousin. After being out and having all the young things throwing themselves at him, he came home and got into bed with me - the old lady with the two crazy dogs - I couldn't quite believe my luck! And for many nights after that he did the same thing.
We hung out, watched movies, cooked food, had dinner and just enjoyed each other. But every time I looked at him I really wondered why he was interested in me - who cares! He was and it was a huge amount of fun!

Tim's passing

On returning from my trip to Bali all I could think about was Tim. He was my boyfriend for a short time but then became one of my best friends. Tim had been sick for a long time. He had cancer. We found this out after starting to have sex one morning while we were still together and I found some lumps 'down there'. I was furious and told him to go to the doctor that day to find out what they were.
He was, as Tim always is, very relaxed about it. He said he would go to the free staff clinic at work in a few days, being a nurse he didn’t think anything was ever wrong with him and was certainly not in the habit of paying to seek medical advice! This of course was not acceptable to me so we had a huge fight and I broke up with him.
I remember sitting at my desk at work when I got a text from him saying that he had been to the doctor and he didn’t have an STD, he had cancer. I rung him immediately and I cried while asking for the details. There were no details, we assumed that it would be ok but there was no telling at this stage. There was no option. This was a man that despite the relationship being questionable at times, I loved dearly and assured him that I would support him.
The months that followed were filled with hospital, throwing up, chemo, tears, family arguments, worry, fear, waiting and basically all the emotion that goes with loving someone who has cancer. The world at this time decided to give me a double blow. My grandfather was also at this time dying from cancer in hospitals on the other side of town. I was spreading myself thin and working a job that was taking from me more than I had the ability to give.
Tim seemed to have one health issue after another but he managed to keep himself out of hospital as often and for as long as he could and when he was out he resumed his normal life like nothing was wrong at all. We remained extremely close friends despite the fact that we both met and got involved with other people.
I wish I could do that time over again. I realise now that the person that gave me strength and was dependable and reliable during the time when my grandfather passed away and my family troubles were endless was not David the ex at all but it was Tim. At the end of a long hard day it was Tim who made me feel better and in the long run it was Tim who stood by my as a friend and supported me while the ex headed for the hills and decided it was all too hard. I should have known better, but at the time I believed that we loved each other and that I mattered to him, I guess I just made excuses for his bad behaviour and complete lack of respect.
At Christmas this year we received the news that Tim only had 6 months to live. This year Christmas was hard for me with my dreams of having a loving and wonderful relationship completely down the toilet and knowing that my attempts to “build my own family” in the wreckage of what the ex and I had between us was completely and utterly over. Tim made the festive period bearable, he made me laugh, he bought me lovely gifts and was my constant companion, just as he had been for many months when I was left to drown by the ex.
I was going to delay my trip to Bali when Tim started to get sick again, but I had a non-refundable ticket and decided to go anyway, I thought I would risk it and hope that he was still going by the time I got back, after all, he had 6 months so I should be fine....
Tim and I emailed daily when I was in Bali. The ex was decent enough to send me a message saying that he no longer wanted any contact with me – nice – but then again what could I expect, he was just being the same old prick that he had always been, it was just now that I was realising how much I gave and how little I got in return.
Tim was back in hospital while I was gone and there were days when I would have to ring him because he wasn’t on email and I worried that something would happen. I told him about how much I loved Bali and really wanted him to join me there but we both knew it was too late for him to fly. I just felt that if he saw my Medicine man then perhaps there might be some chance of recovery – or at least a bit of an extension to the time line.
When I got back I got a message from the ex to say happy birthday. What an idiot I thought, why send me that after telling me you want no contact between us – more mind fuck games and bullshit from a mad who is 44 years old and should have grown up years ago.
Tim came over as soon as I got back and we celebrated in style! He had his oxygen bottle and a pack of cigies and we got drunk and smoked and cried and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do before he went.
Within the blink of an eye he was gone. He died on Monday 24th January at 11.45am. I was there with his family and it was shattering. My world changed for me again at that point. The person I had relied upon and trusted and never been betrayed by had gone. My friend, the person I loved as deeply as my family and my dogs was dead, lying there, grey and in the foetal position. It broke my heart over and over.
Despite the horrible times that followed and the sadness that still remains I know that my medicine man has helped me, even if it is only to deal with this loss. I feel sad, guttered and heartbroken about Tims passing and I miss him every moment of every day. But my clarity about my relationship with the ex has become crystal clear since my visit to Bali and Tim’s death. Life is just too short to have people around who don’t add value, David adds non to anyone as far as I can see, he certainly added no value of any mention to my life, just empty promises and rubbish when he was drunk – but not love, kindness and loyalty like Tim did. It’s a shame I didn’t get to choose who was the one to go, let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been Tim.
How do I feel since my return? Well, I feel sad as hell as Tim passed only days after I got back. But how do I feel about everything else? I feel good. I feel better than I have in years!

The medicine man

So after offering to volunteer my time at the animal welfare, and sorting out the formalities of meeting everyone I decided to walk back town and to my hotel. I needed to go to the loo and was hoping that I would find a taxi soon although I was enjoying the walk and enjoying the complete peace within my own mind. Something that was not all that familiar to me after the past year.I found a taxi and asked for him to take me to Kutut where I was quite sure I would be able to spend some time with him and gain a greater inner peace – whilst also having him read my palm for me and tell me what my future holds.I arrived at Kutut’s house and walked into the compound and past the numerous tourist busses and saw a massive number of people sitting around, I spoke to an Australian woman who explained that it was about a 4 hour wait for Kutut and that he doesn’t spend much time with each person but that everyone here was waiting and that I would need to figure out who the person was who arrived before me and I would figure out my place in the line of hopefuls.I sat for about 30 minutes. About long enough for my bladder to tell me that 4 hours was simply out of the question. I left and thought it best to come back early and when there was less people to have to wait behind.The following day I was once again, up early, went to yoga and was ready to leave to meet Abut at 11am for my trip to the medicine man. I arrived at the hotel reception and was taken to a small motorbike, Abut started the bike and expected me to get on. This was not something I was happy about but figured that at this point I may as well just suck it up.We travelled for about 30 minutes outside of town and arrived to a compound similar to Kutut’s, but in a different direction. We were told that the medicine man was not in at the moment as he was involved in a ceremony of some significance with the people from his town but that we could return at 11am the next morning. We drove back through the beauty of the mountains and I thought of ways to try to get out of going back the following day. I failed at this and realised that Abut was not going to let me off the hook.The following day started the same. I went to yoga, came back, had a shower, met Abut and we went once again to the compound. There were a few people waiting to see the medicine man and he was dealing with a woman I can only describe as a whinging American who complained of a sore back. He seemed bored, as I was. I was here to have my heart put back together again and couldn’t really understand why she was here when she could get a massage for about $US3 basically anywhere in this place.There were several people before me. I watched in amazement as he seemed to do stuff that seemed to heal them in some way, although often the details were not clear because it was hard to hear or work out what was going on between the medicine man and his patient.Nobody came in after me, so when I was called there were only a couple of onlookers remaining. The medicine man sat there smoking and smiling and asked me what he could do for me. I was quiet and embarrassed and didn’t want others to hear. I asked him if he could read my palm. He laughed and told me that he doesn’t do that sort of thing but he was happy to help in another way, he asked me again what he could do.I sat there and thought that at this point I simply must tell him whats wrong or I will miss my opportunity to see him and perhaps be “fixed” in some way.I put my hand on my head and I said ‘I am not well, I am just sad, all the time I am sad and I can’t change it’. He told me to lie down on his mat and took his small wood stick and poked at the insides of my toes, it didn’t hurt, butch with each poke he checked for a response. Finally he got one. He touched a spot that made me nearly fly off the mat and run back to Australia screaming in pain.He nodded his head and came closer to me and waved his hands above my body and said ‘so much hurt and pain, so much, but I will fix it, I will make it better for you, just trust me’. The encounter was stranger than anything I have ever experienced and anything that I would have previously believed and quite frankly, before this happened to me I would have dismissed it as a complete wank. I didn’t though, it just didn’t feel like I had that option at the time.When the session was finished I wept. I didn’t cry, my eyes were just pouring with tears. It was different to any time I had cried before.I drove back to Ubud with Abut on the back of his motorbike and smiled all the way. I felt like I was smiling from within myself, in a way that I had never or at least for a really long time had smiled. The countryside seemed so much more beautiful that it was on the way there, or on my previous trip. I just couldn’t stop feeling completely and utterly amazingly happy and complete.I decided that taking myself to Bali was the best birthday present I had ever received.

Bali for my Birthday

So given my long history or completly hating my Birthday I decided to take myself to Bali for a couple of weeks to get away from the reality of my life and also the reality of turning another year older. I decided on Bali for 3 reasons:
1) Its cheep
2) I have never been there
3) The woman who wrote 'Eat, Pray, Love' went there and a medicine mad healed her broken heart, so I figured he could also heal mine.
So I headed off to Bali after a couple of big nights drinking with Geraldine and her ever suffering husband Byron, I say eversuffering simply because he has to endure me being there with my emotional "condition" and my tears and my drinking and talking rubbish all the time and he endures it like a champion, as does Geraldine.....so after coming close to missing my flight because of an alcohol enduced coma I boarded my flight and was off.
On landing I wanted to be sick. The heat and humidity hit me and my hangover like a thick fog of reality and suddenly I was in another country. Shit. What the hell was I going to do now was all my mind could process.
I found my driver and headed towards Ubud, where the woman from 'Eat, Pray, Love' had stayed. I had no idea what I was doing in this place. I hadn't worked out what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, but driving into the place made me feel calm and collected and really quite at peace.
I settled into my hotel and found my way around and before I knew it the place felt like home. I really fell in love with the place and felt that I might never leave, and if I did, I most certainly would come back, many times. It just felt like home.
I started reading the booklist my shrink had given me many months before and started to annalyise my life and the things that had happened in the last year and even in the time before then and started to reconcile things in my mind. Most of all I started to accept a higher power. Not god or anything of a religious nature. Just the power of the universise to deliver things, good, and bad, and for these things not to be a coincidence or 'fate' as I had always explained them as before, but actual happenings for some greater reason, one that may take some time to discover. All of this was fine, to a point, but there was and still is so many things about this I am not sure I completely understand - I guess time will tell or I will work out that I belive in something different.
So sitting and eaating breakfast on my first morning in Ubud I got talking to one of the locals who works at the hotel I was staying in. He was young, very young, but cute and it seemed to me that he may be flirting with me, although I quickly dissmissed this as I realised that I was about to turn 33 years old and was more unattractive now than I have ever been in my life and could not posibly think what he could find with me that was worth flirting with.
He asked me many questions, the usual, where was I from, was I here alone, where was I going and who was I going with. He asked me if I was going to see Kutut, the local medicine mad who was made famouse by the recent phonominan of 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I was embarressed to tell him that I was indeed planning to get a few seconds of this wine mans time, but of course, it was only for fun. I didn't think it was worth mentioning that it ws really the main reason for my coming to his beautiful country!
His name was Abut and he was handsome. He was also quite charming and although I knew I shouldn't, I agreed to meet him at 11am the following day to go and see a medicine man that he promised would be so much better than the famous Kutut. He said Kutut was like a movie star now and simply inundated with people and had little time to spend with anyone. I didn't belive him. This was not the Kutut I had read about and seen in the movie!
Later that morning I was walking around, well further than around, quite a waay out of town, I was walking through villages and seeing things that bought back memories of my honeymoon with my ex-husband. I figured it was just the fact that I had not been in Asia for so long that basicallially everything looked the same, but it didn't at the same time, it all looked so wsonderful in the hills of Bali. Ubud, I decided, was one hell of a beautiful place, especially if you got up early befor the humidity!
I had seem a dog on my way out of town. Well I had seen many, but this dog needed help. It was sick as could be and skinny and its eyes had rotted in its head from the infection. I cried just seeing it and told myself at the time that I would just have to deal with that if I was going to enjoy this place because I had heard that dogs are not treated well here.
On my walk back from seeing many wonderful things I once again came accross this same dog. I couldn't leave it this time though. I felt that I had to do something for it and I just didn't know what.
I went to the closest 7-11 type store and searched the isles for something to feed it. I found a small can of corned beef and bought it for about 2 cents and took it outside. I was scared the dog would be gone but he was still there. I opened the can and scraped the food out with my finger and he ate it with such furosity that I cried at how hungry he was.
I wanted help for the dog and was approached by a local taxi driver who offered to help. We tried to catch him and put him in the taxi but the dog was so sick and crazy from its illness that there was no persuading it.
The taxi driver offered to drive me to the animal welfare where he assured me I could find someone who would help and perhaps I could organise an ambulance for the dog. I was sceptical buit agreed. I had nothing else to do for the afternoon and hell, I had to try, I couldn't live with muself if I just left the poor thing here to die a slow death.
I drove with the txi driver to the animal welfare place and walked in and was greated by an amazingly tall man, a vet, crouched down and washing two little puppies who were suffering a horrible skin condition, one that is all too common in Bali.
He was busy and yet spoke to me without annoyance or frustration and was at that time, and in my eyes, a simply amazing man. He was calm and patient and accepting of this situation or horrific circumstance and yet wanting to help. I felt instantly the same. I organised an ambulance for the dog I had found and come here to find help for and then offered to volunteer my time to help these beautiful animals. I left with a smile on my face and felt that perhaps there was a reason I had come to bali after all.