And then there was.....nothing

So after the big revelation, the moment of truth...what happens next....well I guess the other big question is.....why did he tell me?? To that I have no answer and never expect to get one, but to the first question, of what happens next? Well nothing really, things just go on as they have done before, we have sex, I enjoy it, I assume he does as well and then....well then there is nothing. Except it has done a truly amazing thing for me, it has freed me from my wondering and my questioning and has given me closure to a situation that I knew in my heart was taking place and which hurt me in a manner so painful I can never describe, but it brings sense to the otherwise senseless situation.
I don't talk about it to people much, but when I do the question of "what happens next, will you get back together?" comes up. To this I say "no", and although I had some feeling for a time that perhaps this was the reason he told me, to clear the decks and see what happens next, it was cancelled out when he asked me how I will be when he finds a girlfriend, to which I asked if there was any possibility that I might be in the running for this particular position, his answer was an emphatic "no" followed by a long list of reasons why not which centered around my family being incredibly dysfunction and various other issues, none of which I could fathom - I felt stupid for asking, wished that I hadn't and whilst I felt hurt, I knew that this is actually the truth, what I have come from does not make for a good future with any partner and certainly does not provide for a stable family environment with the prospect of children.
This was hard to swallow, I was hurt and felt like things were really all a bit pointless. It took some time for me to digest this, and at first I wanted nothing more to do with him, I wanted the reminder out of my life but then I realised that it was not him that was the problem, it was me, my family, what I have come from that is what I have been trying to run away from for so many years and the need to face this and stop trying to make my life into something it can never be suddenly became clear.
I realised that whilst because of my circumstances and my situation I can not have the life I wanted so badly, a partner, a family, all of which I saw as my reason to invest myself emotionally and mentally, I need to remove these as options from my life, they are not options for me, not at all, but that doesn't mean that there are not other things I can do with the time I have here.
I think the first step in my discovering my "new self" was the fact that I decided to get fit. I have always been fit, even most of my life I have been over-weight, I was only once ever at a weight I felt I looked ok at and that was when I was 19 and 20, I was a little over 50kgs then and felt good, and although I don't expect at nearly 34 to get back there again, below 60 would be good and the "ex" proposed a challenge once again to me to aim for 55kgs, he even offered to pay for the gym for me for 6 months, why I have no idea, and although I can't afford to join the gym I have declined the offer, I don't feel right about taking his money and despite the fact that 55kgs is my target, I don't want him to provide the membership with the knowledge that within that time he will find someone else and I will be "kicked to the curb" yet again and at that time I know I am likely to resent going, so much so that I fear that I will not continue to go at all.
So I set myself a 2 week plan for the school holidays, I would go every day for as close to 3 hours a day as I could muster - so far I have been successful and I have lost 2 kgs, much less than I had hoped for but it is the other effects of the new regime that I have reason to celebrate.
I am feeling better about things than I have done in ages, it has been more than a year since I have committed to exercises again, something that was ALWAYS part of my daily routine and for the past year or more I have not only missed it physically, but I have missed it psychologically. I am also happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I have actually wanted to be fit, to feel better and to enjoy the positive effects of being fit for myself and not for the pursuit of a relationship or to make myself more attractive to anyone else or to feel like I was doing it for the purpose of finding "that someone special". I already found that person, I know who he is, and he remains special to me, but I to him - well, there is no chance of that and there never will be, but I am remaining committed regardless.
I always knew that the secret to keeping the big "depression" at bay was to stay active, but the problem is that when you stop for a time it is really hard to see the point in starting again, and even harder to actually START again, and the longer this goes on for, the longer that inactivity becomes routine, the harder it is to get going again. This was a HUGE psychological barrier and I am proud that I have seemingly overcome it.
I am now becoming very accepting of my situation, my losses and my sadness. I am in a process of re-framing my life from where I hoped it would go, with a family, people to come home to and people to cook for and love - to accepting a life on my own and I am seeing a huge number of possibilities and positive in that fact alone.
What my situation, I realise now, provides me is not only a great deal of disappointment but a huge amount of possibilities and a number of which I am enjoying the process of contemplating.
My strong urge since visiting Bali and working the the street dogs there has been to return on a full-time basis, that dream is alive and well and whilst I am not sure quite when it will be that I make that move I have no doubt that I will make it, and soon if I can.
The business I am involved in, whilst it has its issues, one of which for me is largely the poor financial predicament it puts me in, is extremely enjoyable, for the first time in many many years I actually really love my job and my work, despite the lack of financial reward, and it is going extremely well so I hope that one day it will be more financially rewarding that it currently is, and whilst I hate being unable to do things because of a lack of financial security, I have accepted that I will never own my own home again, I will never be able to buy the things I always wanted and fill my dream home with, I am trying to believe that if you do what makes you happy then one day the financial rewards will follow.
I have also been made an offer to be finaically supported to start a business that I really have wanted to start for a very long time. At first I disregarded this offer and did not even think about it but lately I have been in contemplation again and have started to think that it may well be a good idea to engage in further conversation, at least - I am sure that couldn't hurt!
These things were holding me back, I kept thinking that firstly, I would fail to make a success of any of these things, because I didn't believe in myself, but then I also thought about how I would manage to do these things I had been thinking about for so long if the opportunity of a relationship and a family were to be presented again, but now, in my complete acceptance of the way my life has turned out, I realise that these opportunities should be seized, because it is not my destiny to be a mother, a partner, an owner of a home, it is my destiny to something completely different with my life, something I never even thought of as a possibility, as to what I will do yet I am really not sure, but I see opportunity where before I saw none.
With all this positiveness I guess the next big question is why I don't see another relationship on my horizon - the simple answer is that I know that I do not have the skills to be in a relationship! Time and many relationships before me have proven that! But the long answer is that I can never see myself being in love again.
I use to think that to have a successful long-term relationship you needed to be able to have similar goals and similar morals and believe systems and most of all you needed to be able to come home every day after work and not hate the person who you were coming home to, to see them as a friend and to be able to tolerate their habits, their weaknesses and even their family!
Then I had a relationship that made me think quite differently. I was in love with someone who made it possible to sleep soundly next to at night. Who made waking at night no longer an annoyance but a complete joy, simply because they were beside me, I would kiss him just for being there. Who made waking up in the morning, no matter how early (even on the weekends) a complete and utter excitement!
I found a person who would make me weak at the knees when he would kiss me, every single time, who made me sad when he walked out the door even when it was to buy the paper, a person who made me excited to come home, and who made me hold my breath with anticipation and excitement when he returned from work of an evening.
So the long answer is that I can not for the life of me expect to find such a person again, and actually I don't want to. I know he will find someone else who will be more suited to what he was after, who will come from a better family, who will be a better mother and a better partner, and who I am sure will make him happy - but for me, I am content to keep my memories and my dreams to myself.
He recently allowed me to spend some time with his daughter when she was in Melbourne. I was thrilled and enjoyed every single moment with her, chatting, being with her and doing things I thought she would like. I found it hard not to hug her more than I did. Not only is she absolutely beautiful she is also a wonderful person and has SO much to say, SO many interesting feelings and insights that she shares and such a truly stunning heart, it is so hard to stop from just hugging her.
I guess my feelings towards her are not unlike my feelings towards my other friends kids, I just see their innocence and their fragility and everything that is sweet and kind about them before life has a chance to cast its damage and I just want to hug them and love them and protect them from everything bad that could happen to them, but she is particularly special to me, and although she is at an age where being smothered by hugs and kissed is not all that cool, its all I want to do!
When I said good-bye to her I said 'I will see you next time', and although I hope I do, I also realise that the likely hood is that I wont. By the time she visits again it will be someone elses turn, and all I do is hope that they love her and hug her and enjoy her as much as I have done.
I drove away wondering if I will ever see her again......