A cruel joke or something I just don't understand....

Recently I had a very serendipitous moment which was then followed by some encounters I simply do not understand.A friend of mine and I always attend the AFL season opening game, its held on a Thursday night and is a match between Richmond and Carlton. Whilst neither of us actually barrack for either team, but we both love Richmond for our own reasons (mine, because my grandparents were both mad Richmond supporters...and hers I suspect having more to do with the fact that seeing Richmond means that she has an excuse to get dressed up in every item of "tiger print" clothing she owns regardless of how badly it matches) we are also mad footy fans who are so deprived during the summer months that we simply can not wait to get to the "G" on that opening night.When I arrived to meet her among the 80,000 plus people attending the event I happened to brush past the ex. He didn't appear to notice me or in fact recognise me, which was not terribly surprising, however I thought I would "break the ice" in case we happened to pass each other again by sending him a quick email from my phone (as I don't have his number to text) to say that we had just walked past each other.......what a strange feeling I thought.....this was a man I was such good friends with for so many years, who I had a relationship of sorts with, who said he wanted to have children with me and who I lived with and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and we now simply pass each other by without so much as an acknowledgement of each other.....however it would seem that he didn't notice me as he emailed me back saying as much.
After my friend and I took our seats, drinks in hand, she decided to toast the opening of the footy season by saying 'Cheers Rachie, scull these down because we need to get our drinking fitness in order, yay to ALF and get ready Rachie cos we are going to do a huge amount of footy this season!'.Soon after the drinks were gone and I was on bar duty. I headed to the bar and literally waked straight into the ex who was at the end of the line. Out of 80,000 people....who would have thought.....I was quite nervous to see him, apprehensive and quite ready to really say nothing. He grabbed me, hugged me, kissed me passionately, he was chatty, he was Mr Charming and seemed not to be able to stop pashing and hugging me. It felt nice, but weird at the same time.My friend and I watched the game and had a great time, we got fairly drunk and all the while the ex was texting. The exchange ended at 3am after I had said many times I was not going to the pub to drink with him, I was not going to meet him anywhere, that I had work in the morning (4am wake up) and that if I were to meet with him I am quite sure he would (as I would) regret it in the morning.We exchanged brief texts the next day where I basically acknowledged that it was clear that he had come to his senses and that he actually didn't want to see me and that it was nice to see him, but farewell and good luck with life.He then started texting that evening again when I had actually planned to be at the footy again but due to lack of sleep, a hideous hangover - tempered by getting drunk at work (last day before 2 weeks holidays) and a long afternoon nap, I resigned myself to the couch for a night of watching Collingwood in their first game of the season.The ex seemed to want to "integrate" me back with his friends, asking them to message me etc - we exchanged pleasantries but to be honest I was quite happy to simply watch the footy and leave things the way they were. I had worked hard to eliminate him and all that is associated with him from my life and from my mind and was really very happy to leave it at that.So Sunday evening arrived and I was in bed, watching a movie or sleeping....I can't recall.....the ex starts messaging me again asking me to come over, at first I resisted but then thought I would go and have a platonic evening of fun and this was where my bad judgement begun, I wish I had just turned off my phone and rolled over in bed.I arrived to find that he had one of his close friends there, we all settled in for an evening of music, dancing, drinks and fun. It was only a short time after my arrival that he started pashing me and there were loads of cuddled - something I miss very much and was very much enjoying. Whilst outside looking at the stars he told me he loves me very much and that whilst I drive him crazy he wants me in his life. After his friend left in the early hours of the morning there was just the two of us and the discussion began. He told me he loves me and that we need to build on trust again, this is what we are lacking, the talking went of for quite some time, there was no sex, just talking and me really wanting to leave and him holding me on the bed, not letting me go and telling me that we have to stop worrying about what has happened before and we just need to focus on the fact that we love each other and lets see where that takes us.Yes, I told him I love him, I have not said it often to anyone and I did not feel comfortable saying it but I did. I felt like I was giving a huge amount of myself in saying it and felt completely exposed and vulnerable for doing so.Of course I love him. He was my friend, I have years of memories of that time and had what I thought was a good relationship, I am not sure I am "in love" with him anymore, but I certainly felt at that time that I could be if I were to have more of those fun moments, I do love being in his company and love spending time with him so I guess that's a great start, I was just being cautiously optimistic I guess.Well, long story short, after he said he wanted to spend time with me during that week (before he left for OS on a holiday) he rejected me twice and I closed the door. A door that will not be open again. It became clear that actually, in the light of day, once again, he had no intentions of following through on anything he said - I sit and wonder, was this a bad joke?? Does he find it funny that I hurt after he does this?? Or is it just something I don't understand....I can't imagine saying something to someone that I don't mean, or to lie intentionally or to try to hurt someone in order to boost my own ego of self esteem.....but my self esteem took a beating after this, that's for sure.Too many times now I feel like I have been down this road with him and its a road to nowhere but hurt. Whilst he has been away I have made some very clear decisions, not all of them perhaps bad.I due on my holidays to have my tubes tied. I was quite determined that this should happen. I waited until 10.10am on the day of my appointment which was at 11.15am and then I cancelled it. I actually don't know why. I just felt like I enjoyed being told that someone loved me and felt that perhaps I might leave the door open slightly to the chance that someone else might love me one day (even though I realise this is most unlikely) and that perhaps we might have a family (and even if not that I wouldn't need to explain my decision to a potential partner) - I have since changed my mind however and wish I had gone through with it so will need to make a time for the next holidays!I also decided to sign back up for RSVP. A big step for me as I had not entertained the concept of being in a "relationship" with anyone again. This seems to be going ok and although it has not been hugely successful so far I have met at least one person were I can see there is potential.A friend of mine has convinced me that what I need now is not RSVP but one of those sites where you basically just hook up for sex! I am not so sure that this is really what I want to be doing with my time but she tells me that I will never completely close the door on the emotional hurt unless I just get "loads of physical satisfaction" from many different people - so I have agreed to give it a go at least.I am so unclear about why the ex did what he did....why he seems to enjoy and flourish so much from hurting other people.....I would like so much to hate him for it, but I don't, I can't, even after everything I still respect him too much to hate him. All I can do is try to rebuild my self esteem and to try once again to believe that all of this will eventually lead me to one day having a happy life.