Ok. So I’m starting to feel like the hard times are coming to an end. I’m feeling quite proud that I now have my driver’s license back and have at this point driven three times. Avoiding turning left or right and rain, although it did rain yesterday when I went to the shops so I did a Granma drive home, even though it was less than 1.5km and was only spitting with rain.
Its worth mentioning here that that I was in a very serious car accident just before my 21st birthday and it was largely as a result of some serious rain and I have a serious phobia as a result, plus my general hate, loathing actually of driving.
So my news today was good. My settlement on my house is actually going to come through in a week. This does nothing to improve my relationship status as I was told so many times it would. The promise was always that once I had sorted this mess out and got myself together that I could go home. This has changed many times and 'he' has seen me for around and hour I think no more than six times in the last four months.
So that demonstrates something to me that I have been trying to avoid accepting. This is a total lack of interest and support in me as a person and really does speak volumes about my value to him. So as much as I am still in love with 'him' I need to have the wake up call, and I think I finally have.
I clearly mean so much less to 'him' as has been demonstrated, and when I put myself in the opposite situation and think, what I would have done if this happened to someone I loved, (even if it was largely their own fault) and the answer I keep coming back with is that I would NEVER have left them totally alone. Clearly my powers of identifying a good partner could use some refinement as I believe in loyalty and sticking, through thick and thin.
But, as one of my best and dearest friends pointed out to me earlier this week, he’s just letting it go on not to hurt you but because he is just really bad at breaking up – and this to me sounds like the most likely scenario because I know he is not a bad person and I am not angry with him anymore.
So I am looking forward to getting on with the next phase of my life.
The first thing I need to do is go to London to see my darling Phil. Then I need to work out how to fall in love again, not even that so much, just how to trust again, how to get to a point where I am healed enough to let myself think that not every man I sleep with or enter a relationship with is just going to hurt me.
When I go to London I want to have fun and the possibility of having those butterflies and the excitement of the first kiss and the first sexual experience in a LONG time and even maybe fall in lust or love and then have to leave that behind, I think I can do that.
The endless possibilities and opportunities I am now presented with are nothing short of exciting and filling me with a positive energy that is making me feel somewhat invincible after so many months of being downtrodden.
I am looking forward to meet someone who thinks I’m ace, who loves me for my caring nature, my big arse, my loud mouth, my love for my dogs and my dedication to a relationships and friendships, and these are all qualities I need to keep reminding myself that I have, and that this past relationship did not work out because I am rubbish but because he couldn’t see or didn’t value these qualities and frankly, at the end of the day, he can’t commit.
So yes, I expect to go to London and get drunk allot and travel around Europe and have the time of my life. The 11th of September could not come around any sooner!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Dating
So the all important new phase of life has begun. Dating again. How depressing.
After thinking I would never have to go through this again, never have to be naked in front of anyone else again, I am slowly coming to terms with it and am quite looking forward to literally “getting back on the horse” again. Mainly because its been quite some time between drinks!
So the first date was, well, lets just say – not that great. Basically I was walking home one evening and a man with a gorgeous dog was walking towards me, I patted the dog and the man asked me if I had seen a roaming Labrador, he explained that he had lost the dog and was really quite distressed about it. I said I hadn’t seen the dogs, but he showed me where he lives and I said I would certainly return the dog if I happened to see it.
So we walked and chatted a bit, me walking home and him talking about how his dog has a tendency to take itself off at times for a little stroll and although he generally comes back he was and does get very worried about him when he’s gone. I related to this and talked about my dogs and how panicked I get if they ever so much as leave the room and I can’t fine them!
We parted ways and to my surprise the following Friday afternoon I was visiting the local Dan Murphy’s and waiting for my uncle in the car park to pick me up when the same bloke I had met a week and a half before came up and asked me if I needed a lift home, he reminded me who he was and that we live right near each other and that he would be happy to drive me home, I thanked him and we chatted a bit more and I was blown away by how lovely he was. My cousin then pulled up to take me home so I didn’t need a lift but he made me promise to meet him the next day for lunch. Which I did.
It turns out that he is lovely, but too short, not enough hair, recently separated, drives a family moving van of some description and wore running shorts on our date – lets just say that he was fun but I don’t think he will get any runs on the board with me!
So in order to continue on with this theme of taking my mind off my broken heart I am going to a singles ball this coming Saturday night, themed “Christmas in July” and am hoping to stand under some mistletoe with a handsome stranger. Failing that I am reactivating my RSVP account (lord help me!!) and have a number of friends setting me up on blind dates – which can only lead complete humiliation or another good blog story!
I spent much of yesterday going through my boxes and cleaning out everything that I bought for my life with the ex. I cried as I did it. I cried so much and so hard that at times I never thought I would stop.
I got rid of everything. Photos, Tupperware, pictures, kitchen stuff and everything I thought would help make our house a home, everything.
There is still so much a part of me that wishes that he would change his mind about this. He tells me he loves me, he even bought a house on the weekend that last week he said that he wanted us to live in. But then he buys the house and the reality of it hits and he and I both know he can’t commit. He just can’t do it.
I do still think he was my sole mate. I know that nobody understand and inspires me like he does, but when it all comes down to it, its simply not enough. You can love someone, or say you love someone all you want, but if you can’t even see them, if the thought of seeing them brings your dread, which he says it does, then there is nowhere to go is there……..
After thinking I would never have to go through this again, never have to be naked in front of anyone else again, I am slowly coming to terms with it and am quite looking forward to literally “getting back on the horse” again. Mainly because its been quite some time between drinks!
So the first date was, well, lets just say – not that great. Basically I was walking home one evening and a man with a gorgeous dog was walking towards me, I patted the dog and the man asked me if I had seen a roaming Labrador, he explained that he had lost the dog and was really quite distressed about it. I said I hadn’t seen the dogs, but he showed me where he lives and I said I would certainly return the dog if I happened to see it.
So we walked and chatted a bit, me walking home and him talking about how his dog has a tendency to take itself off at times for a little stroll and although he generally comes back he was and does get very worried about him when he’s gone. I related to this and talked about my dogs and how panicked I get if they ever so much as leave the room and I can’t fine them!
We parted ways and to my surprise the following Friday afternoon I was visiting the local Dan Murphy’s and waiting for my uncle in the car park to pick me up when the same bloke I had met a week and a half before came up and asked me if I needed a lift home, he reminded me who he was and that we live right near each other and that he would be happy to drive me home, I thanked him and we chatted a bit more and I was blown away by how lovely he was. My cousin then pulled up to take me home so I didn’t need a lift but he made me promise to meet him the next day for lunch. Which I did.
It turns out that he is lovely, but too short, not enough hair, recently separated, drives a family moving van of some description and wore running shorts on our date – lets just say that he was fun but I don’t think he will get any runs on the board with me!
So in order to continue on with this theme of taking my mind off my broken heart I am going to a singles ball this coming Saturday night, themed “Christmas in July” and am hoping to stand under some mistletoe with a handsome stranger. Failing that I am reactivating my RSVP account (lord help me!!) and have a number of friends setting me up on blind dates – which can only lead complete humiliation or another good blog story!
I spent much of yesterday going through my boxes and cleaning out everything that I bought for my life with the ex. I cried as I did it. I cried so much and so hard that at times I never thought I would stop.
I got rid of everything. Photos, Tupperware, pictures, kitchen stuff and everything I thought would help make our house a home, everything.
There is still so much a part of me that wishes that he would change his mind about this. He tells me he loves me, he even bought a house on the weekend that last week he said that he wanted us to live in. But then he buys the house and the reality of it hits and he and I both know he can’t commit. He just can’t do it.
I do still think he was my sole mate. I know that nobody understand and inspires me like he does, but when it all comes down to it, its simply not enough. You can love someone, or say you love someone all you want, but if you can’t even see them, if the thought of seeing them brings your dread, which he says it does, then there is nowhere to go is there……..
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Moving on
The life changes have begun.
I have resigned my position within the public service and have decided to take my life in a completely different direction. Soon I will be taking down the photos from my desk that remind me of happier times that are long gone and will never be relived and these will be destroyed. Then I will stop coming to the same building I have been coming to for many years and move onto something new, different and where new memories will be created.
My first step is to travel for a while. I think somewhere warm to begin with then London for a while to see my best and most amazing friend who promises to show me the best and happiest times of my life. With him I will travel for a while and will also do some adventuring on my own.
When I return from the globe trotting I will be taking on the task of learning a friends business from the ground up with the goal of taking on a share of the business for myself and working like mad to make it a raging success.
I am excited to be going to work with my friend, doing something completely different, having more time to do some more travel as well as do all the things I never seemed to find the time or energy to do before, I want to learn pottery for a start and I am sure I will think of many other things to fill my time.
I am planning to purchase a small holiday shack in one of my secret and favourite locations where I can spend endless hours with my dogs, reading, writing and kicking back – something I have not yet mastered the art of doing, but certainly plan to!
I will need to move and find some sort of a more permanent home in a few months so have been chatting to an ex-boyfriend about the possibility of sharing a house – I am sure this will make for some interesting time and certainly some interesting blogs! Certainly not where I expected to find myself at this point in my life and I am still filled with sadness about what I have lost but I am trying to stay focussed on the exciting times to come.
I am scared and excited all at once about the travel, the inevitable random sex, the new job, the unpacking of my things and settling into a new house with Tim and the discarding of pictures, items and memories from my previous life, its time to move on but the thought of this still breaks my heart.
Most of all I think I am sad that we never really finished thing off properly. Closure will be hard to achieve because we never saw each other to make the decision, we never even really spoke. It makes me sad that I meant to so little to this person I loved and who I thought loved me that I didn’t even get to say goodbye the way you should.
So the best thing to do I guess is to consider that the person has died and grieve for them as if they walked out one day and just didn’t come back, and knowing that you will never see that person again I guess this makes some degree of sense – but how do you find sense in such a senseless situation where the fallout from a small mistake changes the course of your whole life?? I don’t really know but this is what I am trying to do…..make some sense of it and try to move onto the next phase of my life and forget that this ever happened.
I have resigned my position within the public service and have decided to take my life in a completely different direction. Soon I will be taking down the photos from my desk that remind me of happier times that are long gone and will never be relived and these will be destroyed. Then I will stop coming to the same building I have been coming to for many years and move onto something new, different and where new memories will be created.
My first step is to travel for a while. I think somewhere warm to begin with then London for a while to see my best and most amazing friend who promises to show me the best and happiest times of my life. With him I will travel for a while and will also do some adventuring on my own.
When I return from the globe trotting I will be taking on the task of learning a friends business from the ground up with the goal of taking on a share of the business for myself and working like mad to make it a raging success.
I am excited to be going to work with my friend, doing something completely different, having more time to do some more travel as well as do all the things I never seemed to find the time or energy to do before, I want to learn pottery for a start and I am sure I will think of many other things to fill my time.
I am planning to purchase a small holiday shack in one of my secret and favourite locations where I can spend endless hours with my dogs, reading, writing and kicking back – something I have not yet mastered the art of doing, but certainly plan to!
I will need to move and find some sort of a more permanent home in a few months so have been chatting to an ex-boyfriend about the possibility of sharing a house – I am sure this will make for some interesting time and certainly some interesting blogs! Certainly not where I expected to find myself at this point in my life and I am still filled with sadness about what I have lost but I am trying to stay focussed on the exciting times to come.
I am scared and excited all at once about the travel, the inevitable random sex, the new job, the unpacking of my things and settling into a new house with Tim and the discarding of pictures, items and memories from my previous life, its time to move on but the thought of this still breaks my heart.
Most of all I think I am sad that we never really finished thing off properly. Closure will be hard to achieve because we never saw each other to make the decision, we never even really spoke. It makes me sad that I meant to so little to this person I loved and who I thought loved me that I didn’t even get to say goodbye the way you should.
So the best thing to do I guess is to consider that the person has died and grieve for them as if they walked out one day and just didn’t come back, and knowing that you will never see that person again I guess this makes some degree of sense – but how do you find sense in such a senseless situation where the fallout from a small mistake changes the course of your whole life?? I don’t really know but this is what I am trying to do…..make some sense of it and try to move onto the next phase of my life and forget that this ever happened.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Post break up heartbreak
So at some point after you accept that the relationship you thought would last forever is gone and you have finished crying yourself to sleep at night for many long months, realising that a stupid financial mistake you made has caused months of turmoil and the relationship has crumbled to nothing under the strain – there is a point where you have to make a decision that nothing you do or say is going to make a difference, you are powerless to change the situation as much as you want to and you must at this point try to start living again.
This time, after you pick yourself up and dust yourself off you have to have a different perspective and a different set of rules for the future. You have to learn from ever tragedy, every broken relationship. So that’s my plan to start with. To work out what I need to learn from the situation and then start to rebuild my life.
The first thing I have learned is that it is important never to get in over your head where you’re feeling for someone else are concerned. Sex is fine, I am sure I will do that again at some point with someone, probably several people again, but don’t ever fall in love. I have only done it the once, and next time I will know better than to share my heart with someone else – its my heart and I will protect it. Nobody will treat your heart with tenderness and kindness the way you expect and hope they will – when the break up occurs, and it inevitably does, if the last few months have taught me anything its that nothing last forever, especially the good stuff (that crap stuff lingers on for much longer) the gloves are off and even if you thought you could rely on that person to treat your heart with care, they won’t. Its not out of selfishness or anything evil, its just that the other person will be interested in themselves and how they feel and protecting themselves – your pain is yours alone.
The second thing I have learned is that when you think it’s too good to be true, it most certainly is. I would regularly spend time during the happiness and bliss of the relationship thinking about how I got so lucky to have fallen in love with someone so wonderful and amazing in every single way, and more shockingly, that they had fallen in love with me too. I would often wake up with a huge smile on my face and think how wonderful the world was to have sent me this person who I simply and shamelessly adored. But just as quick as it’s put in front of you it’s also gone.
The third lesson is that you should never give your time and effort to someone. Anything that you do because you care and want to show the person love and devotion will be forgotten as quick as a flash when those gloves come off. You will not get credit for the time and effort – none. You will just wind up feeling foolish for wasting your time. People only remember the bad parts of you when the relationship is gone, so do what you need to do, but don’t bother trying to impress because nobody will remember.
So with these lessons in mind, and the new rules that have been instituted as a result of these lessons – its time to get on with the business of falling out of love with the person. This is a new area for me because whilst I have enjoyed someone else being around and gained some level of security from having a relationship at various times in my life, this is the first time I have actually been in love, so I am just learning.
I have decided that the first thing to do is to completely cut off any form of communication. Easier said than done really, but its essential. There needs to be a full set of new routines and nothing that resembled my life before with him. Given that I am essentially homeless and my financial situation has been destroyed, I don’t know that this is actually going to be that hard.
It’s important also I think to cut off from any places or faces that are associated with him. So no more shopping in the same places, having any of the same friends or even keeping them on in Facebook. A clean fresh start is what is required otherwise I will just be presented with memories and news of that person and their new found happiness when I still don’t have that yet.
I have started catching only the trains that don’t stop in his suburb, and even though I have to travel through there, I make a point of not staring out the window anymore looking at the places we used to be together, I just keep my head buried in a book until I know it’s safe to look up.
It’s important never to mention the person’s name. They must essentially be dead – a forbidden topic that all people I converse with know better than to ask me about him. Nothing good can come from a discussion that involves them. If you say nice things you get sad, if you say nasty things then you get angry so best just not say anything at all.
The next this is planning to get away, a holiday, a new start somewhere – anywhere. Fortunately I have a few of my favourite places in the world that most other people don’t know about and that I never dared to take him to. These places offer impartial comfort and retain no memories that involve him. They will stay sacred to me forever.
But I also need a holiday. Well, actually if I am honest with myself I need to run away, even if it’s just for a while.
Logically I know full well that going to another country is not going to mean that my heart is mended, I know full well that I will be dragging my broken heart around all over the world and probably get charged extra luggage for all the crap I will be dragging around, but there is always that illogical part of me that is telling me that I must go anyway and that if I can run really fast the pain won’t be able to catch me, even for a blissful day here and there.
The next part of this recovery process is that I need to get rid of every photo and every item that remind me of him. It’s going to be one hell of a stall at the Camberwell Market I can tell you! I have more Tupperware than I know what to do with now that I don’t bother to cook for myself or someone else, not to mention all the stuff I bought for the children we were going to have or the house we were going to buy. It’s all going to go, every single last spec of it. It’s the closest thing to having memories deleted under hypnosis I figure so let the cleansing begin!
The next phase will be the contemplation of future relationship and dealing with the fact that I wanted a family. It was not until I had this relationship that I ever contemplated seriously the notion of having children and now that I am so desperate for them I am going to find this one a little hard to shelve.
I have contemplated freezing my eggs as an insurance policy for the future but then I decided this would be a mistake. I only every wanted to have children within a loving relationship and my commitment never to allow myself to unfold like that again means that this is out of the question. I also contemplated having children on my own but feel like I would be doing that for purely selfish reasons and that actually, with the inherit dysfunction in my family it would probably be a wise choice to stop the cycle and just stick to messing up dogs rather than people.
So future relationship? Well let’s face it; I have never been very successful at relationships in the past, so I guess I expect they will be short and more about physical satisfaction than anything else. But I realise that I have to throw myself out there again at some point and see what the world has to offer me.
At my age and with my history of never meeting anyone in the “regular” way I have decided to give speed dating another bash. If my previous experiences are anything to go by it will be simply a waste of a good night in on my own with a DVD – but it’s worth a shot, whenever I get the courage.
I think doing some travel might present more options. Given that when you are in another country you have more of a reason to talk to strangers because you don’t know anyone, and they tend to want to talk to you because you sound different – I think its more likely that my “getting over someone by getting under someone else” will occur whilst navigating the world with my broken heart.
I also like the concept of knowing that you can never have a relationship when you meet someone overseas, it makes the concept of protecting your heart one that is far easier to stick to – you know that the time spent is fleeting and meaningless.
Having said all of that, I am currently in no state to even contemplate this thought. I hate the idea of being touched by anyone at the moment and expect that it will be quite some time before that is likely to change.
I used to go t bed every night and snuggle in the arms of someone I thought I would be going to bed with for the rest of my life – now to contemplate doing that with someone else is just horrifying – but a reality I am trying to wrap my head around.
I guess the saddest thing of all for me and the thing that still fills me with regret is that I have lost my friend of many years. If only I could go back to that night at The Dirty Swan when this all started, when we made the horrible mistake of taking a friendship to the bedroom – if I could go back to that moment again I would, and I would do it all so differently.
This time, after you pick yourself up and dust yourself off you have to have a different perspective and a different set of rules for the future. You have to learn from ever tragedy, every broken relationship. So that’s my plan to start with. To work out what I need to learn from the situation and then start to rebuild my life.
The first thing I have learned is that it is important never to get in over your head where you’re feeling for someone else are concerned. Sex is fine, I am sure I will do that again at some point with someone, probably several people again, but don’t ever fall in love. I have only done it the once, and next time I will know better than to share my heart with someone else – its my heart and I will protect it. Nobody will treat your heart with tenderness and kindness the way you expect and hope they will – when the break up occurs, and it inevitably does, if the last few months have taught me anything its that nothing last forever, especially the good stuff (that crap stuff lingers on for much longer) the gloves are off and even if you thought you could rely on that person to treat your heart with care, they won’t. Its not out of selfishness or anything evil, its just that the other person will be interested in themselves and how they feel and protecting themselves – your pain is yours alone.
The second thing I have learned is that when you think it’s too good to be true, it most certainly is. I would regularly spend time during the happiness and bliss of the relationship thinking about how I got so lucky to have fallen in love with someone so wonderful and amazing in every single way, and more shockingly, that they had fallen in love with me too. I would often wake up with a huge smile on my face and think how wonderful the world was to have sent me this person who I simply and shamelessly adored. But just as quick as it’s put in front of you it’s also gone.
The third lesson is that you should never give your time and effort to someone. Anything that you do because you care and want to show the person love and devotion will be forgotten as quick as a flash when those gloves come off. You will not get credit for the time and effort – none. You will just wind up feeling foolish for wasting your time. People only remember the bad parts of you when the relationship is gone, so do what you need to do, but don’t bother trying to impress because nobody will remember.
So with these lessons in mind, and the new rules that have been instituted as a result of these lessons – its time to get on with the business of falling out of love with the person. This is a new area for me because whilst I have enjoyed someone else being around and gained some level of security from having a relationship at various times in my life, this is the first time I have actually been in love, so I am just learning.
I have decided that the first thing to do is to completely cut off any form of communication. Easier said than done really, but its essential. There needs to be a full set of new routines and nothing that resembled my life before with him. Given that I am essentially homeless and my financial situation has been destroyed, I don’t know that this is actually going to be that hard.
It’s important also I think to cut off from any places or faces that are associated with him. So no more shopping in the same places, having any of the same friends or even keeping them on in Facebook. A clean fresh start is what is required otherwise I will just be presented with memories and news of that person and their new found happiness when I still don’t have that yet.
I have started catching only the trains that don’t stop in his suburb, and even though I have to travel through there, I make a point of not staring out the window anymore looking at the places we used to be together, I just keep my head buried in a book until I know it’s safe to look up.
It’s important never to mention the person’s name. They must essentially be dead – a forbidden topic that all people I converse with know better than to ask me about him. Nothing good can come from a discussion that involves them. If you say nice things you get sad, if you say nasty things then you get angry so best just not say anything at all.
The next this is planning to get away, a holiday, a new start somewhere – anywhere. Fortunately I have a few of my favourite places in the world that most other people don’t know about and that I never dared to take him to. These places offer impartial comfort and retain no memories that involve him. They will stay sacred to me forever.
But I also need a holiday. Well, actually if I am honest with myself I need to run away, even if it’s just for a while.
Logically I know full well that going to another country is not going to mean that my heart is mended, I know full well that I will be dragging my broken heart around all over the world and probably get charged extra luggage for all the crap I will be dragging around, but there is always that illogical part of me that is telling me that I must go anyway and that if I can run really fast the pain won’t be able to catch me, even for a blissful day here and there.
The next part of this recovery process is that I need to get rid of every photo and every item that remind me of him. It’s going to be one hell of a stall at the Camberwell Market I can tell you! I have more Tupperware than I know what to do with now that I don’t bother to cook for myself or someone else, not to mention all the stuff I bought for the children we were going to have or the house we were going to buy. It’s all going to go, every single last spec of it. It’s the closest thing to having memories deleted under hypnosis I figure so let the cleansing begin!
The next phase will be the contemplation of future relationship and dealing with the fact that I wanted a family. It was not until I had this relationship that I ever contemplated seriously the notion of having children and now that I am so desperate for them I am going to find this one a little hard to shelve.
I have contemplated freezing my eggs as an insurance policy for the future but then I decided this would be a mistake. I only every wanted to have children within a loving relationship and my commitment never to allow myself to unfold like that again means that this is out of the question. I also contemplated having children on my own but feel like I would be doing that for purely selfish reasons and that actually, with the inherit dysfunction in my family it would probably be a wise choice to stop the cycle and just stick to messing up dogs rather than people.
So future relationship? Well let’s face it; I have never been very successful at relationships in the past, so I guess I expect they will be short and more about physical satisfaction than anything else. But I realise that I have to throw myself out there again at some point and see what the world has to offer me.
At my age and with my history of never meeting anyone in the “regular” way I have decided to give speed dating another bash. If my previous experiences are anything to go by it will be simply a waste of a good night in on my own with a DVD – but it’s worth a shot, whenever I get the courage.
I think doing some travel might present more options. Given that when you are in another country you have more of a reason to talk to strangers because you don’t know anyone, and they tend to want to talk to you because you sound different – I think its more likely that my “getting over someone by getting under someone else” will occur whilst navigating the world with my broken heart.
I also like the concept of knowing that you can never have a relationship when you meet someone overseas, it makes the concept of protecting your heart one that is far easier to stick to – you know that the time spent is fleeting and meaningless.
Having said all of that, I am currently in no state to even contemplate this thought. I hate the idea of being touched by anyone at the moment and expect that it will be quite some time before that is likely to change.
I used to go t bed every night and snuggle in the arms of someone I thought I would be going to bed with for the rest of my life – now to contemplate doing that with someone else is just horrifying – but a reality I am trying to wrap my head around.
I guess the saddest thing of all for me and the thing that still fills me with regret is that I have lost my friend of many years. If only I could go back to that night at The Dirty Swan when this all started, when we made the horrible mistake of taking a friendship to the bedroom – if I could go back to that moment again I would, and I would do it all so differently.
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