The end of heartbreak hotel!

Well it’s been a while since my last update and much has happened. I decided to cast off all hope of reconciling with the x and decided to go to Europe for a month. To say that I had the time of my life would be an understatement.

I think I was completely and utterly overdue for a holiday and the stress and upheaval of the past 12 months had left me utterly drained of the ability to function and think clearly, not to mention the physical toll the whole nightmare had been taking on my body – which became very evident once I got to London and almost as soon as I touched down I became sick with a shocking flu.

After spending some time with my best friend Phil who now lives in London and has done for more than two years now, we started our journey with a group of fellow sports nuts to watch the Socceroos play some “friendlies” in Switzerland and then Poland. We travelled through Germany as well and after the soccer was over the group went back to London and I continued on my travels alone.

My first stop was Germany (again, but in a different spot) and then I went on to Austria where I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on the “Sound of Music Tour”!! Given that this was a lifelong dream, to see where my favourite movie in the world was made, one might have thought that I would have at least done some minor research into where exactly in Austria I needed to be in order to go on the tour – but I hadn’t done so much as a google search until I was comfortably settled in Vienna and then realised it was actually Salzburg I needed to be!

This was only a minor hitch in my plan, and provided a fabulous opportunity to travel across Vienna to Salzburg and see the beautiful sights of Austria. So I managed to sort my train ticket out, and even get on the right train and finally fulfil my dream – and it was everything I ever imagined and so much more.

The hardest part of the travel I did on my own was just that, being on my own. I didn’t know any of the languages and I was alone, all the time and that was hard. I had to rely on myself being able to get around and do what I wanted to see and see what I wanted to see whilst trying to still recover from a horrible break up and try to reconcile my thoughts about this and realise that I am not only alone and on holidays but I am now alone in every sense of the word.

When I returned to London to stay with Phil and another friend Michelle who share a flat there I was completely exhausted but glad to have to company and was starting to feel better after my dose of the flu. I had a great time in London and Michelle and Phil made me feel like I was just part of the furniture, not uncomfortable or imposing on their small space and showed me some of the best and happiest times of my life – the shopping was amazing as was the whole City.

During my holiday I met two men who I am sure found the sight and sounds of my deadly flu a rather huge turn off! And whilst nothing actually happened with either of them it felt great to be treated so well, to have a flirty conversation with someone who showed interest in me, who thought I was funny and fun to be around. Mainly I found it lovely to be treated with respect and dignity and it made me believe again that I am deserving of this. My decision was made. When I returned I would not settle for anything less again, as I had done for such a long time.

Soon after returning home I actually realised whilst driving along one day that I am happy. I even found myself smiling despite having some unresolved issues with the x, I found that I was and could be happy without him.

When we met to discuss the unresolved issues I realised how little he knew about me. He didn’t know about my work, he wasn’t even interested in it. I had the opportunity to have my questions answered after six long months of torture and doubt and most of all I realised that he had not been taking time out to work on himself as he had said and as I had done, he was just exactly the same as he was six months ago and some of the things that have been going on during this supposed period of self-improvement have been, well to say disrespectful to me would be an understatement.

I walked away from this meeting knowing that I would not be back with him again. I left with a heavy heart but knowing that the door was now shut on that part of my life and I simply have to get over how much I have lost by believing that we would be together and build a happy life. My dignity and self respect are just far too important to me to compromise.

I had hoped that he might see where he went wrong and gave him the opportunity to discuss this, but he chose not to and I have accepted that and I now have my closure.

I have no idea where my life will take me now. I have fantastic work plans that are coming together and I am getting more pleasure out of my work than I have ever done. Whilst I am sad about what has happened, I am happy to hold my head high, plan my next trip and keep smiling about the world of possibilities available to me now.