Tim's passing

On returning from my trip to Bali all I could think about was Tim. He was my boyfriend for a short time but then became one of my best friends. Tim had been sick for a long time. He had cancer. We found this out after starting to have sex one morning while we were still together and I found some lumps 'down there'. I was furious and told him to go to the doctor that day to find out what they were.
He was, as Tim always is, very relaxed about it. He said he would go to the free staff clinic at work in a few days, being a nurse he didn’t think anything was ever wrong with him and was certainly not in the habit of paying to seek medical advice! This of course was not acceptable to me so we had a huge fight and I broke up with him.
I remember sitting at my desk at work when I got a text from him saying that he had been to the doctor and he didn’t have an STD, he had cancer. I rung him immediately and I cried while asking for the details. There were no details, we assumed that it would be ok but there was no telling at this stage. There was no option. This was a man that despite the relationship being questionable at times, I loved dearly and assured him that I would support him.
The months that followed were filled with hospital, throwing up, chemo, tears, family arguments, worry, fear, waiting and basically all the emotion that goes with loving someone who has cancer. The world at this time decided to give me a double blow. My grandfather was also at this time dying from cancer in hospitals on the other side of town. I was spreading myself thin and working a job that was taking from me more than I had the ability to give.
Tim seemed to have one health issue after another but he managed to keep himself out of hospital as often and for as long as he could and when he was out he resumed his normal life like nothing was wrong at all. We remained extremely close friends despite the fact that we both met and got involved with other people.
I wish I could do that time over again. I realise now that the person that gave me strength and was dependable and reliable during the time when my grandfather passed away and my family troubles were endless was not David the ex at all but it was Tim. At the end of a long hard day it was Tim who made me feel better and in the long run it was Tim who stood by my as a friend and supported me while the ex headed for the hills and decided it was all too hard. I should have known better, but at the time I believed that we loved each other and that I mattered to him, I guess I just made excuses for his bad behaviour and complete lack of respect.
At Christmas this year we received the news that Tim only had 6 months to live. This year Christmas was hard for me with my dreams of having a loving and wonderful relationship completely down the toilet and knowing that my attempts to “build my own family” in the wreckage of what the ex and I had between us was completely and utterly over. Tim made the festive period bearable, he made me laugh, he bought me lovely gifts and was my constant companion, just as he had been for many months when I was left to drown by the ex.
I was going to delay my trip to Bali when Tim started to get sick again, but I had a non-refundable ticket and decided to go anyway, I thought I would risk it and hope that he was still going by the time I got back, after all, he had 6 months so I should be fine....
Tim and I emailed daily when I was in Bali. The ex was decent enough to send me a message saying that he no longer wanted any contact with me – nice – but then again what could I expect, he was just being the same old prick that he had always been, it was just now that I was realising how much I gave and how little I got in return.
Tim was back in hospital while I was gone and there were days when I would have to ring him because he wasn’t on email and I worried that something would happen. I told him about how much I loved Bali and really wanted him to join me there but we both knew it was too late for him to fly. I just felt that if he saw my Medicine man then perhaps there might be some chance of recovery – or at least a bit of an extension to the time line.
When I got back I got a message from the ex to say happy birthday. What an idiot I thought, why send me that after telling me you want no contact between us – more mind fuck games and bullshit from a mad who is 44 years old and should have grown up years ago.
Tim came over as soon as I got back and we celebrated in style! He had his oxygen bottle and a pack of cigies and we got drunk and smoked and cried and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do before he went.
Within the blink of an eye he was gone. He died on Monday 24th January at 11.45am. I was there with his family and it was shattering. My world changed for me again at that point. The person I had relied upon and trusted and never been betrayed by had gone. My friend, the person I loved as deeply as my family and my dogs was dead, lying there, grey and in the foetal position. It broke my heart over and over.
Despite the horrible times that followed and the sadness that still remains I know that my medicine man has helped me, even if it is only to deal with this loss. I feel sad, guttered and heartbroken about Tims passing and I miss him every moment of every day. But my clarity about my relationship with the ex has become crystal clear since my visit to Bali and Tim’s death. Life is just too short to have people around who don’t add value, David adds non to anyone as far as I can see, he certainly added no value of any mention to my life, just empty promises and rubbish when he was drunk – but not love, kindness and loyalty like Tim did. It’s a shame I didn’t get to choose who was the one to go, let’s just say that it wouldn’t have been Tim.
How do I feel since my return? Well, I feel sad as hell as Tim passed only days after I got back. But how do I feel about everything else? I feel good. I feel better than I have in years!