Two years on....

This weekend marks the two year anniversary of some of the biggest changes of my life - the weekend I sold my beloved home in Abbotsford. Despite the somber occasion and feelings of sadness this was due to bring I decided to get out and spend as much of the weekend as possible with good friends, especially those who have stuck by me like glue in my darkest and most painful times when I simply could not see my way forward. I have had the time of my life - something I never would have thought possible on this weekend even some months ago. When I take myself back to the place I was at the time I sold my house I can not even recognise the person I see in those memories. I was completely and utterly in love and dedicated to being a good partner to the ex, we were (I thought) happy, we were planning a future together, we were planning a family and I thought it was never going to be possible to be that happy again - in a life that has been so far from happy I really believed that this was it, it was my time to shine and I felt like I just spent the whole time smiling. Sadly, none of this was to be. The past two years have been so painful, so hurtful and smiling is something I had completely forgotten to do. I was angry with myself for believing and trusting him and for loving him and angry that I didn't know that none of this was what he wanted. I was angry at him for making me think it was and for all the suffering and lying and pain - but all of that is now completely gone. I am actually now able to reflect back, and, whilst I think the relationship, selling of the house and trusting, all those things were a terrible mistake - I am no longer unhappy with where I am in life, not that I feel great about my career or my financial or relationship position - but I am able to look back now and see that facing all those hideous challenges has made me the person I am and for the first time in my life I am not unhappy about who that person is. Facing my fear of being insecure about having somewhere to life and owning my own home (something I will never be able to do again) has enabled me to finally travel a bit, something I was always too scared to do because I wanted to put everything I had in securing a home for myself. But travel was life changing and more fun than I could ever have hoped for and I can't wait and will be soon doing more. I have developed and appreciation and am grateful for what I do have now, both materially and emotionally. I am a happier person now that I have less material "wealth", I don't crave it anymore, I don't seek it at all and I no longer use it to define achievements, success or me in anyway as a person. I enjoy the relationships and friendships I have with my friends and my family (in particular my father) more now than I ever have before, and find walking in the park with my dad watching our dogs play with other dogs and the strange way they make friends and the chats we have as enjoyable as I once found a wild night on the tear - although I still enjoy these as well!! Feeling good about myself doesn't have to come now from buying a new pair of shoes, or a dress - it comes from helping an old man use the hideously stupid "self-service checkouts" in the supermarket, or talking to an old lady on the street for 5 minutes about what a great companion her dog is to her. Its these things that have truly changed my life, I have slowed down my pace and started to smile because its been a great day - not because I got in early at a great sale! Having my first experience of being in love (even though it was much later in life than I expected, and extremely unlikely to every happen for me again) was actually something I am glad I have experienced, even though it resulted in my heart being shattered in a way I will never find words to describe, because it has made me a better person, a better and more understanding friend, especially when friends of mine now talk to me about their own relationships and troubles they may be having. I know I am able to shed more light than before on relationships, on love, on compromise and even on the basic principles of respect for others. I know I now judge other peoples relationships far less, and when I am making judgements they are now really far better described as "fair assessments" - and I am glad about that. As for the ex - I can only say that I will always care about him and care what happens to him, he was a very good and fun friend to have for many years before we became a couple and I wish him well - even if he doesn't feel that was about me. My own behaviour during the slow and stupid breakdown of my relationship is something I will forever regret. There were reasons, very understandable ones, for my poor behaviour, but I know I was always honest, I tried to behave from a platform of dignity, forgiveness and understanding, and whilst I would do EVERYTHING completely differently if it were to be done all over again (god forbid!) I have developed a better understanding of myself and would never reduce myself in the way that I did during that time. Regret about my situation and my relationship is something I feared most, I now do not regret what has taken place, I do not regret that I did not try to provide more than enough opportunities for things to be fixed, for bridges to be mended and for forgiveness to take place. I sleep well knowing I did everything I could to make it work. I don't regret the person I turned out to be because of what were some bad choices and mistakes - I think that is all I can hope to achieve.