Never did I think I would ever have an affair with a man who was
married. Whilst I don't actually have that much respect for the
"institution" of marriage per say, as in I don't actually think that it
is more important to be married to someone than in a committed
relationship with them, and mostly because I actually don't, didn't and
never have had much of a desire to be married myself (even though I have
been), I have still always considered marriage and I guess any
committed relationship to be a sacred union between two people that is
not to be violated or interfered with by anyone else.
Having said that, I have also always probably felt that way because I never wanted to be the undoing of a relationship of importance to another woman. My strong desire to stay faithful to the "sisterhood" has certainly prevented me in the past to become involved in that situation and I have certainly condemned any of my friends and my sister who have been involved in such activity.
Well that was until recently. My faith in the sisterhood has run dry as it certainly has not been good to me. My relationship with the ex was undermined and destroyed by a woman who certainly did not have the same respect for the principles I hold true, and previous relationships including my marriage have all gone to shit when "another woman" has come on the scene.
So my affair has history, and here it is - about 10 years ago I was working with a man I found extremely desirable on many levels. I was also engaged at the time and had not been unfaithful to my partner of several years. The man I was working with was an ex-AFL footballer, an intelect, a man who cared about all the same things as me and who I worked closely with and found myself attracted to in a way I had not experienced before.
Shortly before I was due to be married I phoned a friend of mine and confided in her about my desires to be involved with this man and to abandon my plans to be married. She told me that I 'always do this...run for the hills and find any reason to exit stage left when the fear of commitment set in' - I was hoping for something else but I didn't know how to get out of the wedding plans and with nothing to go on other than what I felt was a great connection with this man and a strong desire to be with him, I put it down to the fact that she was right, I was looking for a reason not to go through with a commitment I didn't really believe in or want to be part of.
Well, I got married, I got back to work and was confronted by a rather abrupt and shocked work mate who seemed surprised that I had not told him of my plans to be away from work and certainly had no idea I was getting married. I knew he was seeing someone, but I had no idea of the status of their relationship at that time, and was shocked by his reaction.
After leaving that work place we remained friends, close friends. We worked together on various projects over the years and always the feelings seeing him and spending time with him would once again come to the surface. He ultimately married the woman he was seeing and after the years went by we lost contact for a short period. But he was never far from my thoughts and earlier on this year I tracked him down, expecting nothing but was surprised to receive contact from him telling me he thinks of me always and was wanting to see me. An affair began.
I never saw myself as a person who would get involved in this sort of thing as I mentioned earlier and I justify it to myself by telling myself that I am not the one who is married. I don't ask him for anything, I don't ask him about his wife or his life or talk about the possibility of him leaving her - in fact I don't want him to do that if it is because of me.
Our first time together sexually was an interesting experience. It was filled with anticipation as he had told me that he has been wanting this with me since the first moment we met - he told me of his strong desire to start something all those years ago but was scared that he would be rejected. He told me of a particular moment when we were having some after work drinks and he was trying to pluck up the courage to kiss me and tell me of his feelings towards me, I told him that I recall the moment and wish so badly that he had done this as I would have changed my plans for him, I would not have gone through with getting married and he too said he would have broken up with his girlfriend......leaves me wondering what might have been and where my life would have taken me if that moment had have worked out differently.
I love that when I am with him I can be myself completely. I find myself saying things, sharing thoughts that I don't share with others for fear of judgement, but yet he finds it and me attractive regardless. My only sadness is when he leaves and I know he goes home filled with guilt, but that is his to deal with and I don't think about his relationship with his wife as I am something private, boxed up and just his, not to be shared.
During this time I have also been seeing the ex. We have been enjoying each others company, the sex and generally having fun. I have had no expectations about where this will lead - I think for all my interactions of a sexual nature I am now completely without expectations, hopes and dreams, I just live in the moment.
He recently revealed the true nature of the relationship he maintains with the woman he left me for. Despite telling me on so many occasions that it was over it is still very much alive and well and the only reason I have been allowed into his life is because she is currently overseas on holidays.
Despite his relationship with her being quite a miserable one he intends to maintain it because although he admits that there is no logic to his feelings on the matter, he doesn't love her, they fight every time they see each other, they do not get along, he doesn't think she is a good person or would make a good mother to his children, and yet he says he loves me, believes I would make a wonderful mother to his children etc .....he wants to and will commit himself to a life with her because she has a wealthy and wonderful family that is so completely opposite to what my family is, completely and utterly dysfunctional.
Hearing these things from him has hurt me in the most unspeakable way. I have no control over these factors in my life and despite not feeling a strong desire to be with him for any length of time other than until I don't enjoy it anymore, it hurts that I am being judged based on this.
But it hurts less that I have someone else in my life who don't judge me for those factors that I can not control and it fills me with confidence that someone, one day will see past my broken and dysfunctional family and see that, whilst I may be a product of those conditions, I am more than that, and I am worth loving anyway.
Do I feel good about myself because I am having an affair with a married man? Certainly not. But I will take from it what I need to rebuild the confidence that has been stripped off me by the ex to find the real thing.
Having said that, I have also always probably felt that way because I never wanted to be the undoing of a relationship of importance to another woman. My strong desire to stay faithful to the "sisterhood" has certainly prevented me in the past to become involved in that situation and I have certainly condemned any of my friends and my sister who have been involved in such activity.
Well that was until recently. My faith in the sisterhood has run dry as it certainly has not been good to me. My relationship with the ex was undermined and destroyed by a woman who certainly did not have the same respect for the principles I hold true, and previous relationships including my marriage have all gone to shit when "another woman" has come on the scene.
So my affair has history, and here it is - about 10 years ago I was working with a man I found extremely desirable on many levels. I was also engaged at the time and had not been unfaithful to my partner of several years. The man I was working with was an ex-AFL footballer, an intelect, a man who cared about all the same things as me and who I worked closely with and found myself attracted to in a way I had not experienced before.
Shortly before I was due to be married I phoned a friend of mine and confided in her about my desires to be involved with this man and to abandon my plans to be married. She told me that I 'always do this...run for the hills and find any reason to exit stage left when the fear of commitment set in' - I was hoping for something else but I didn't know how to get out of the wedding plans and with nothing to go on other than what I felt was a great connection with this man and a strong desire to be with him, I put it down to the fact that she was right, I was looking for a reason not to go through with a commitment I didn't really believe in or want to be part of.
Well, I got married, I got back to work and was confronted by a rather abrupt and shocked work mate who seemed surprised that I had not told him of my plans to be away from work and certainly had no idea I was getting married. I knew he was seeing someone, but I had no idea of the status of their relationship at that time, and was shocked by his reaction.
After leaving that work place we remained friends, close friends. We worked together on various projects over the years and always the feelings seeing him and spending time with him would once again come to the surface. He ultimately married the woman he was seeing and after the years went by we lost contact for a short period. But he was never far from my thoughts and earlier on this year I tracked him down, expecting nothing but was surprised to receive contact from him telling me he thinks of me always and was wanting to see me. An affair began.
I never saw myself as a person who would get involved in this sort of thing as I mentioned earlier and I justify it to myself by telling myself that I am not the one who is married. I don't ask him for anything, I don't ask him about his wife or his life or talk about the possibility of him leaving her - in fact I don't want him to do that if it is because of me.
Our first time together sexually was an interesting experience. It was filled with anticipation as he had told me that he has been wanting this with me since the first moment we met - he told me of his strong desire to start something all those years ago but was scared that he would be rejected. He told me of a particular moment when we were having some after work drinks and he was trying to pluck up the courage to kiss me and tell me of his feelings towards me, I told him that I recall the moment and wish so badly that he had done this as I would have changed my plans for him, I would not have gone through with getting married and he too said he would have broken up with his girlfriend......leaves me wondering what might have been and where my life would have taken me if that moment had have worked out differently.
I love that when I am with him I can be myself completely. I find myself saying things, sharing thoughts that I don't share with others for fear of judgement, but yet he finds it and me attractive regardless. My only sadness is when he leaves and I know he goes home filled with guilt, but that is his to deal with and I don't think about his relationship with his wife as I am something private, boxed up and just his, not to be shared.
During this time I have also been seeing the ex. We have been enjoying each others company, the sex and generally having fun. I have had no expectations about where this will lead - I think for all my interactions of a sexual nature I am now completely without expectations, hopes and dreams, I just live in the moment.
He recently revealed the true nature of the relationship he maintains with the woman he left me for. Despite telling me on so many occasions that it was over it is still very much alive and well and the only reason I have been allowed into his life is because she is currently overseas on holidays.
Despite his relationship with her being quite a miserable one he intends to maintain it because although he admits that there is no logic to his feelings on the matter, he doesn't love her, they fight every time they see each other, they do not get along, he doesn't think she is a good person or would make a good mother to his children, and yet he says he loves me, believes I would make a wonderful mother to his children etc .....he wants to and will commit himself to a life with her because she has a wealthy and wonderful family that is so completely opposite to what my family is, completely and utterly dysfunctional.
Hearing these things from him has hurt me in the most unspeakable way. I have no control over these factors in my life and despite not feeling a strong desire to be with him for any length of time other than until I don't enjoy it anymore, it hurts that I am being judged based on this.
But it hurts less that I have someone else in my life who don't judge me for those factors that I can not control and it fills me with confidence that someone, one day will see past my broken and dysfunctional family and see that, whilst I may be a product of those conditions, I am more than that, and I am worth loving anyway.
Do I feel good about myself because I am having an affair with a married man? Certainly not. But I will take from it what I need to rebuild the confidence that has been stripped off me by the ex to find the real thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment