The Fox Man
Ok, so this bloke was the work shag, but most people who know this story know this bloke as “The Fox Man” – the reason for this will become clear as the story unfolds.

So the work shag as read in a previous instalment was great. The sex was great, the conversation stimulating and oh my god did I found this bloke amazing to look at, and sometimes that was all I needed. He dressed so ridiculously well, to a date once he turned up in a cravat – I was like jelly whenever he was around and as a consequence had no ability to speak to him at work because I would go weak in the knees and not be able to stand, I would also blush uncontrollably and it was just all too much.

So whenever we went on a date I would have to drink a HUGE amount before we went just so I had the confidence to get out the door and be alone with him, but even then it was so hard. Dinner was basically useless because I couldn’t eat when I was with him, cake after a movie was not even mildly possible, although a cup of black tea was sometimes helpful for the dry parched mouth caused by a significant amount of anxiet, it was so hard and it didn’t get better.

I really liked him and wanted to spend time with him but was so nervous all the time that basically the only time I had the confidence and the desire to be with him was when I had been at the pub all afternoon and evening with my friends, I would be so paralytic that I would start sending him text messages and get him to invite me over. I would lob over there in a drunken state (remembering that he is a non-drinker) stinking of smokes and booze and for some reason think this was sexy……its not at all surprising that this relationship did not last…….

He was a perfect gentleman. I was always welcome to do whatever I wanted in his house, although he always preferred I do it with no clothes on, and would often chase after me when I looked a little unsteady on my feet as he was always very concerned about my drunken clumsiness as his house was the most amazing bachelor pad you have ever seen and if I broke anything I would simply never be able to afford to pay for it.

Let me explain……his house looks fairly average from the outside, in fact quite normal and unappealing, but then you go in and he has renovated and decorated every single part of this place with style, the man just oozes it.

He is mad on art deco and this is the theme of his place. His floors are black floorboards with a high shine, you could seriously do your make up with the reflection from these things. The couches are red leather with black and white leather cushions – each one has a specific place…..there is an immaculate art deco bar, side tables, flokati rugs, and the art covering the walls is to die for, not to mention the tasteful and immaculately placed deco ordainments and decoration pieces, its simply amazing.

Then there is the other thing he likes to decorate the joint with – and that’s the vast collection of dead animals. Yes, you did not make a mistake in reading that last line, he collects taxidermy, he is mad on it. A great Saturday night to him is finding a great new species online for a great price and organising the shipping, and marking the arrival date on the calendar in anticipation.

So to recap at this point, I am having fantastic drunken sex with a sober bloke who I work with who collects dead stuffed animals when I am a mad crazy animal lover – it’s the backbone of all the fairytales we heard as kids.

The favourite dead item was a fox, who was named “Lindsay”. She was a small female fox mounted on a log and stood in the lounge room and she wore a peal necklace with a diamond clasp from Tiffany. She was his pride and joy and he would speak of her often.

On one occasion he was dropping me home after I had stayed the night and I demanded to be walked to my front door – because I think that is what you should do – he refused because he said ‘I have the gardener coming in 3 minutes, I have to get to the other side of town before he gets there, I have a fox at home who has not had a decent good-morning from me yet, and you are ruining a great night and a very enjoyable morning….’.

There were also often suggestions and requests for Lindsay to come and “watch” the activities in the bedroom, which was beyond strange, even for someone who was literally soaking with booze every time I was in that house.

On one occasion when we actually were working on the same project we both needed to attend a conference in Bendigo I think from memory…….I went up with one of the other project partners the afternoon before as we had to meet some people for dinner and we stayed over and The Fox Man came up the following morning, so the first I got to see him was at the morning tea break where we said a quick hello and I had to check the phone and make some calls for work.

Lunchtime was when we got to have a bit of a chat, a flirt and talk dirty to each other whilst standing around with the other guests – it was exciting, we were telling each other what we wanted to do to each other as we stood there eating chicken sandwiches and meeting and greeting all the local important people, and they had NO IDEA, and this was thrilling to me.

The afternoon just about killed me, I had to sit through a killer hangover from the night before that was refusing to leave me alone and the thought of driving all the way back to Melbourne with the bloke I had travelled up with who the night before when we had seen our dinner guests off and continued drinking had tried to kiss me and had begged me for sex which was so far from appealing, it was Friday arvo and I just wanted to be in Melbourne and hit the pub. So we left the conference early and booted it back to Melbs in time for me to grab about half a dozen wines at happy hour price and get them in before heading to dinner for a friend’s birthday in Richmond with my sister.

We met our friends (a bunch of gay blokes) and we ate an amazing amount of Thai food, mainly hot and very spicy curries, and of course we drank and drank and drank and drank some more.

At one point I went outside to have a ciggie and when I returned my mobile was in the hands of one of my mates as they were all gathered around reading the latest text message which read ‘when are you coming over here’ and was followed by some dirty suggestions from The Fox Man….they all cheered as I approached and with that we finished stuffing ourselves, I sent a message back saying I would be there soon and we all left the restaurant and walk round the corner to a friends place where the festivities could continue.

Of course, keeping in mind that with the amount of booze I had consumed at this point I simply had no concept of time, so as we sang and danced the evening away around the grand piano my friend was playing I didn’t give a second thought to the fact that The Fox Man was at home……waiting and stroking the fox and waiting for me……

Many hours later when my sister had given up on turning one of the hot gay men straight and I felt that it was time not to be standing anymore we called a cab and I said I would drop my sister off home, she lived with me at this stage, and she could just run in and grab a few things for me for my sleep over, just the critical items: a toothbrush, a new pair of undies and a couple of bags of poo tea.

Now if you are not familiar with poo tea then this is a synopsis for you – it’s a tea you get from the Chinese grocery store, it tastes like poo, but that’s not why we call it that, we call it “poo tea” because that’s what it makes you do, and in uncontrollable voluminous quantities.

When you have a cup it generally works over night and in the morning you will probably be woken to the feeling of your insides turning on themselves and you will spend the next little while wondering if it will ever end and if you will ever be able to get on with your life again. But if you leave with a sense of security, as if you have finished, at some point you will feel it come on again, it may hit you when you are in a line at the supermarket, or on the tram or train, you will start to sweat and you will know that you have literally a matter of seconds before you are going to shit yourself as an adult – again.

You may be wondering why anyone would be interested in taking this stuff – simple – weight loss. I will do anything to lose weight, I will try anything, buy anything, spend any amount of money I have available in the desire for a decent body, and this includes being obsessive about what I eat and how much exercise I do.

So after a big meal of hot and nasty curry, I have in my drunken state, made The Fox Man wait for hours whilst I dance around singing ‘Its Raining Men’ with a bunch of queens and have then called past home and grabbed a couple of double strength tea bags to make sure that there was no chance I would absorb any unnecessary calories.

As soon as I rocked up at his place I made the tea, drank it and proceeded with some hot sex – I think, I can’t really remember.

In the morning I recall opening one eye and not knowing where I was but realising that I was nude, I stank like a homeless alco and my face was stuck to the pillow from sweat and drool – I am one hot lady! But it was only seconds before I felt the war that had begun on the inside of my body and I sprinted to the spare loo down the hallway and really really wished for some background noise as I made some of the most sickening sounds and hollered and prayed to every higher being I was away of that this would 1) stop 2) not get any louder, and 3) that The Fox Man would remain asleep.

The fact that none of these wished was granted is the reason I do not believe in god, and what was worse was that was that when I tried to flush there was no way I could get rid of this mess, it just got worse and worse, more and more blocked as I tried to flush and flush and flush this disgrace away. It did not work. I broke the flusher and the dunny was blocked. I wanted to die. There were no requests that morning for Lindsay to come and view the action and I am fairly certain that I became slightly less attractive to The Fox Man that morning, but what the hay! I had a great night dancing!