The scares of relationships past…..
Ok, so despite the fact that I feel like I have learnt a huge amount from previous relationship, and particularly from my time being married and the subsequent three years that followed when I was essentially single the entire time and did a huge amount of sole searching and actually really tried to figure out some stuff and learn about myself and my failures in relationships and more importantly why this stuff has happened, a couple of things happened as a result:

1. I realised that its actually very nice being on your own, and despite being “nice” it requires far less effort, does not require any risk and certainly absolutely no compromise
2. I am actually really not very good in relationship, I have had appalling relationship models and have not had any level of success in relationship as a result
3. Probably, the only reason I would consider having a relationship again is for the simple fact that I want to have children, but completely expect that the relationship would be brief and I would raise the child/children on my own
4. I guess this is more than a couple…..I really actually never saw myself in a relationship ever again and was completely accepting of this

So I guess all of this combined means that I have the tolerance for other peoples shit of an superficial premadona rock star who likes their m&m’s sorted by colour. I am more than happy to pull the pin at the slightest flaw. The fact that someone I was dating worse explorer socks was enough for me to realise that it was never going anywhere, I judge men on the income they earn, the car they drive, the level of education they have just to name a few of my very specific requirements.

I have actually been onto a number of dating websites where I have (without registering) done a search for my basic requirements and the result is always the same “there are no matches for you at this time”. Fine. That’s actually MORE than fine with me.

I don’t want to have to tell someone that I am going for drinks after work, I don’t want to report in during the drinks and say I am going to be a bit longer than expected and then have them crack the shits when I turn up at 4am on a Tuesday night after drinking my body weight in gin.

I don’t want to have to negotiate what colour I will be painting the walls, or what furniture I will buy, keep or throw away, or how the house will be set up, and what pictures will go where.

I don’t want to have to negotiate “house rules” where a level of respect needs to be shown toward the other person, not just because that’s what you should do but because you say you love them.

I don’t want to have to shower if I don’t want to, or watch some retard try to vacuum the floor or attempt the washing and end up doing it myself because I like things done the way I do them. Granted, there are tasks I detest and loath, these are taking out the bins, something I have been able to deal with by not having a bin inside but a small freezer bag on the bench that gets thrown out when it gets a couple of things in it so it has no time to go feasty, and cleaning the toilet and this little one is solved quiet easily as I get my dad to do it every time he is over.

So then there is my current situation where there is a relationship of sorts with my very old friend “The Hot Man”.

This has not been an easy situation to negotiate and I have many many times behaved badly due to my desire to resort back the my happy place of aloneness at 40 Henry Street, but also due to the fact that he brings to the table much of the same if not more failed relationship and fucked up family baggage as I do – making this from the get go a very friggen unworkable situation, which once again makes me think its probably easier not to bother.

I wouldn’t bother normally, but the thing is I do have a great deal of fun with him and can see some level of potential where this thing is concerned, mainly because we seem to fit quite well together despite all the negatives and I laugh a huge amount when we are together, and I reckon that’s not such a bad thing.

What I have been learning however is that I need to shut the fuck up sometimes – this is a hard one for me. I am much better at fighting with someone rather than just letting it ride when they say stuff that annoys me – possibly the reason my ex-husband spent on average 5 out of 7 nights sleeping on the couch…..and the other thing is that I am like a dog with a bone, piss me off and I will put it in the memory bank and bring it up EVERYTIME YOU SHIT ME.

So, on a personal development front I am learning that this kind of doesn’t fly so well with other people, especially someone who is old, pigheaded and extremely stubborn anyway.

I kind of did learn a bit of this from observing my grandparents relationship. It was a beautiful relationship however extremely dysfunctional so I am conscious that I should not model it too much, but we actually interact in an extremely similar way so its worth referring to for some pointers.

For example, my grandfather would say things to stir up my nan or just in general say things to give her the shits, and her response was to tell him to ‘shut up you dickhead’ rather than take the bait and spend the evening fighting the point and being in the shits.

But its really difficult to learn where to draw the line.

Over the last few days I have been quite sick with a cold. I don’t get sick often but cold seem to really affect me since having pneumonia a couple of years ago and I know when it comes on I am done for. Sunday night was the beginning, sore throat, fever, bad night sleep, sneezing and feeling crappy, I was staying over with The Hot Man at this point but it was not really until Monday at work that it became a full on cold and I went home at 3pm and got into bed.

Tuesday and Wednesday I was in bed, feeling lousy and basically just wanting to die.

During this time I received a number of text messages (yes, that’s how we communicate, email text, few phone calls, I hate talking on the phone when I am not at work and basically just refuse to answer if he calls me, plus throughout the 7 years we have been friends we have always used text as our form of communication and I am not so keen on changing that) – but not one of these messages asked me how I was. I did however get a full report of the amount of booze he had consumed at a work dinner on Tuesday night, and a very detailed analysis of everything else that was going on, plus a phone call at 4am when he was completely blind and the following day a bunch of status updates regarding the state of the hangover – BUT NOTHING ABOT ME!
I reported my lack of appreciation regarding this little oversight and did not receive an apology but I did get a number of messages several hours apart to see if I was still shitty, to each I reported YES and then this afternoon I received an invitation to come over tonight to his place.

Despite wanting to go over to see him, and be in his warm house, my response to this invitation was ‘I can not cook for you and will not have sex because I am too sick, I am of no use to you in my current state’.

Now, this may seem like it was a reasonable response on one level, but The Hot Man is the most unsympathetic, self absorbed individual to ever grace god earth. There are no secrets where this is concerned – he is great for some things, but this is not one of his redeeming features. However, like all chauvinistic men he loves to be cared for if he is suffering from an ailment – in fact he expects it, as did my grandfather.

So the issue that I need to resolve with myself now is weather I accept that this is just something that I need to live with and get over it, because he will never change (and he certainly won’t) or if I need to end it because its simply not something I can put up with (and its probably not something that bothers me a great deal) and if I do end it, am I doing it for the right reasons or for the simple fact that retreating to aloneness, 40 Henry Street and my dogs is a far safer option, or do I continue in bitch mode for a while, then give in eventually – and if that’s the option, then what exactly will I have achieved!!!??? NOTHING!

So I am off to ponder this issue now, and its probably not a great thing to do after swallowing half a pharmacy in an attempt to get through the day – but hell, at least I am not drunk, that’s normally when I make my other big life decisions.