Family and creating one

Recently I started to think about my goals in life, where I see myself in the future and generally what sort of life I would like to have. This reassessment was largely forced by the breakdown of my relationship, a move to a very different physical and emotional location, and my living arrangements being very different to what I had anticipated, not only because of the plans I had with the ex being completely redundant, but also the major change of career, the fact that I turned 33 and feel like 34 is not far away, an the death of 3 very close and significant people in my life I'm quite sure has had an affect.

I was thinking about how quickly the last 10 years have gone, or even the last 15 years. It feels like only yesterday that I was leaving high school and I felt like anything in the world was possible, but in the blink of an eye the mid-thirties are descending and suddenly there are limitations, and of course experiences that begin to impose themselves.

I don't know quite where I thought I would be and what I would be doing at 33, when I was in my 20's, I can say that I never expected to be living the life I am now (that is not to say that I am unhappy about where I am or what I am doing) but I guess the first thing is that I probably never expected to BE 33!

I can't say that I have always had a burning ambition to have children and to be a mother but I certainly felt very sure when the ex and I were planning to start a family that it was what I wanted at that time. I have felt more of a desire to have a family since turning 30, I guess you start to realise that you don't have as much time left as you do when you are in your 20's, but I think what most excited me about the prospect was that I wanted to create my own family, because I really don't have that much of my own. My father and my sister and I are really it, and the thought of having a partner that I loved and creating a family together was extremely appealing.

But as we know, things change. Circumstances change, and whilst I am open to the possibilities and options that life presents, there are some things that I feel are worth considering by myself and for myself, without the distraction of feeling that I am in love with someone and making decisions based upon what ultimately is and could as my situation proved to be, actually not a loving partnership, but just a bunch of words and commitments people often make to each other when they enjoy having sex!

After much reflection, about many issues and aspects, I have decided that I do not want, and will not have children. This is probably something that many people say (including myself) at various times and stages, but my decision is considerably more final than simply making the statement. I am going to have my tubes tied.

This is not a decision I have or am taking lightly, and the process has been a very long and well considered one. I will attempt to work through these now.

Firstly, I was recently speaking to a wonderful male friend of mine while out for drinks. We discussed our current situations and he asked me about meeting someone new. Whilst I have dated other men since my break up, it has not taken long before it was clear that it was unworkable. I simply stated to my friend that "it had broken me" (being the demise of my relationship) and with that, without becoming hysterical or becoming a spectacle, tears were rolling furiously down my face. He was, as always, amazing in his response. He looked at me with respect, care and compassion and just said "I know, I can see that". It was very apparent to me at this time that I have changed so significantly due to this relationship, or the demise of it, so much so tat the people who know are care for me can see this as clear as day. This saddens me, but makes me realise that making a commitment to someone, and really loving and trusting that person is very rarely a good thing.

The truth is that I have not cried often, and my outburst was extremely unusual and surprising. But the reality is that I have been broken by what has happened. Not in as much as that I will never have a relationship again, I may do, although I certainly do not seek this or want for this in any way. Its the innocence of thinking that you are in love with someone and that they are in love with you that has been broken. The trust and everything sacred being betrayed, and not when you are in your 20's, but later in life I think this is quite significant. I can not longer believe in the fairytale, in love, and in that when you give yourself to someone in that capacity, that even if the relationship fails, they will still treat you like you once mattered.

Having seen so closely, witnessed more than I should have my own parents bitter and nasty split, I have always ended relationships with a level of decency. Its what my mother never gave to my father and why his life has been ruined as a result. I hoped that it was just the fact that my mother is a complete nutcase that people end like this, but now having gone through a situation where there is no discussion, no end, just hate and anger and not even the respect to face each other and end things - I realise that there are far too many people who do this than I had hoped. I don't believe this is kind, and as my father always said to me at the end of one of my own relationships 'you chose to be with that person so you end it like an adult, show them respect and do not hold anger towards them, it will only eat you from the inside'. He was right - but what do you do, how do you do this when the other person is unwilling and makes that impossible???

So my concern about having children is that I never, ever want them to experience what I did, not the single parent thing, that is fine, I never want that for me, but I am not suggesting that it is not a perfectly acceptable and good way to raise a child or children - but my experience of bitterness with my recent split has made me realise that no matter how carefully you think you are selecting someone, and no matter what you say to each other about ending things like adults (if that were to happen) during the good times - you actually just never know how someone will behave when the end actually does happen.

That brings me to my next point, selecting a partner. After my previous experience I have reflected on my previous relationships and whilst they are certainly not all bad, I would have to say that my selection process and the types of people I have been with have not been parent material. I probably knew that for most of them at the time, and the only one I was ever actually really sure I wanted to be with, and wanted to have a family with was the last one, I was more sure of that than anything I have been in my life, and yet I was so completely off in my judgement. This has confirmed for me that by ability to make the right choices about these things is completely and utterly misguided.

I think what confirmed this even more was that recently I received a beautiful email from my ex-husband who told me about the arrival of his first child. We have a good and friendly relationship and I am completely thrilled for him that he is so happy and that he shared this with me. But I did realise that I had made a huge mistake. I never actually wanted to have children with him, and yet he was a wonderful husband and will be a fantastic father, I missed my opportunity with him - once again proving that I do not have, for some reason, the capacity to identify who would be a great partner and father.

I need to be clear here, it is not the fact that the relationship ended that I feel this way, it is actually about the way in which it ended. My ability to believe that people can behave well and treat each other well and end things with compassion and dignity is what has been broken most, not the loss of the person.

So with that I move onto my next point. My family. I have a deep and strong connection with my family, or those who remain at least. But our past has been not only dysfunctional, but scaring beyond description.

The ex would often question this history in his process of deciding if a family with me was what he wanted (and I need to stipulate here that at no time did I ever push, question or rush this, it was his decision making process alone, in working out if he wanted to make a commitment to me in this way). He often told me how crappy my family is and how this is not the kind of family that he wanted to raise children within - this I never argued with or refuted. I only ever said that I believed that the strong bond, the dedication and the unconditional love that is always evident in my family, I believed was enough to overcome the hideous scares that we all still bare from what has been many generations of family breakdown, drug addiction, alcoholism, violence and pain.

My belief was always that every generation do it better. My father grew up in a children's home in the 1950's, a painful and horrid childhood, the memories of which still haunt him. But he was a born father, and although his marriage failed, he became a drug addict and a serious alcoholic, he did his best and later in life got clean and sober and has been for more than 10 years, and accomplishment I am proud of every day.

My father was not perfect, but he tried his best and did his best and even though things were hard and our experiences during his addiction were unspeakably bad, there was never any doubt that he loved us. My father has never dated anyone since my mother left. He raised my sister and I on his own under circumstances that were unlivable by most peoples standards, and I always believed that we as a family had shown strength enough to endure just about anything.

But thinking about all the times that the ex (who actually knows very little of those times, simply because I don't talk about them), I realised that he actually has a point. It actually doesn't matter how much you love your kids, how hard you try or how devoted or strong you are, if you have a history that involved generational family breakdown to this extent, then actually you are far better off not continuing the cycle for another generation. Even though you may think that each generation improves, this is not what I want children of mine to even know about let alone experience or be affected by.

The next reason I have for my decision involves myself and my ability to be a mother. The ex questioned often my ability to be a capable mother. This was based on many things, one is that I don't have and have never had a relationship with my own mother. I often disputed that on the basis on the fact that my grandmother was essentially a mother to me, sh was my "mother figure" and I never considered that I had missed out because I had such a strong and positive relationship and role model in her.

Recently however I have realised that the ex was actually right about this to a large degree. Not having a mother who I lived with and who I have as a role model from that perspective is not setting me up well to be a success in this area, and whilst I had hoped and believed that I would simply want to do everything as a mother that I never had, I actually don't have the ability or capacity to know that what I am doing is the right thing. Simply speaking, the risk is far to great.

He also questioned my smoking and drinking, well, this is a good point. Would I ever have smoked or drank whilst I was pregnant? Absolutely not. But would the fact that I have enjoyed these things for so many years, at my age, have an affect on an unborn child? I don't know, probably, and again, the risk is far too great.

My final reason for making the decision I have made has two aspects to it. One is that I have had two pregnancies to the ex that I did not continue with. These are two of the greatest mistakes and regrets of my life. However, I believe that the universe sends you certain things, at certain times, opportunities, chances to learn etc. Whilst I regret both these decisions, I believe that they were my chances to work things out, to somehow find a way to be the best parent that I could be, but I chose a simple option, one that whilst I am not suggesting for a second is not completely valid and the right one for many people, but was the wrong one for me. So now, as a result, the universe is sending me the message that I nerd to question more closely my choices and decisions.

Don't get me wrong. I am not for a second suggesting that because of my relationship failing that I have decided to take such drastic measures, or that the things he said to me have in some way harmed me and given me the impression that no man would want me to be the mother of their children. The comments he made and the consideration that he went through actually made me respect and love him more and reassure me more that it was him that I wanted to be the father of my children, but I guess the kinds of issues he raised were things that I may not have considered or viewed from an outsiders perspective.

I think when you are involved in what you believe to be loving and strong relationships within your own family, or when you grow into what you view to be a strong and capable human being, you are not always aware of how you really rate in terms of outside expectations. You see things with blinkers on and think that things will be ok, when really, other around you may see things very differently. They may look at you and your situation honestly when you have a tendency to view them through rose coloured glasses. So it is not his actions or words that have made me think about things, rather the whole packages, the sequence of events, my reflection about my own feelings and my delusions about happily ever after etc which I have outlined above.

The reality is that I take the decision to have children extremely seriously. I also take the decision to NOT have a family equally as seriously. Some may think that because of my caution and my questioning this process I am actually far better off qualified to be a parent than all those who have children for the "wrong reasons" - well this may be so, but for me, this is not enough.

Whilst there are some small parts of me that feel sad that I will not have my own family, I feel very much that my decision is right for me.