The Sunday Roast - and the meaning of life

The Sunday Roast was always a fairly serious tradition in the Dalgleish household, well probably not so much in the household I grew up in but certainly my grandparents house, which for me essentially represented the "family home". We (my Dad, my sister and I) would always go down to Nan's for the event. During the day we would have watched the football on the TV in the afternoon in the lounge room while Nan would prepare the veggies in the kitchen from where she could see the TV, and certainly hear it, and would provide a running commentary that would make the paid professionals look like armatures.

There were cheers and insults and arguments about umpires calls that would make the most seaworthy sailors hair curl. The dogs would generally retreat to the safe confines of the floor under the dinning table provided and would make their way out when the 6pm channel nine news started at the exact time that dinner was served.....and it had better be at 6pm on the dot or my grandfather (Ted) would be sure to start wearing a hole in the footpath down the side of the house from pacing with complete frustration that dinner was not ready on time.

Now my grandparents are gone and there is no longer a family tradition of the Sunday roast, I find myself missing it very much. But things are different now. There is no family to speak of other than my Dad and my sister and they seem disinterested at best in continuing the tradition. So when I was with the ex I made a point of making it our tradition and to make it special. I would always ask my sister but she would decline and my father would come during the week and pick up a few meals I had made with the left overs, but the meal was always a lovely time for the ex and I. The end of a long and hard weekend and a chance to spend some time together on the couch.

I find myself now missing both of these scenarios. So much that I actually often still make the Sunday roast. Nobody eats it. Except my Dad, he comes during the week to pick up his meals for the week and I always prepare a couple of roast dinners for him. But there is no longer a tradition. No longer a time shared while eating a meal, and no longer a partner or a family to share it with.

Thinking about this makes me sad. Having no capacity to change it makes me feel sad as well but mainly disappointed. Disappointed with my choices, the way my life has turned out and mostly sad that I won't have the opportunity to have that in my life again, it was something I always enjoyed. But I never feel that I should have cherished those moments more because I loved every second I ever spent with my family, in the days when we were together and every meal I ever made for my ex was made with a huge amount of love, enjoyment and pleasure, as I cherished every second we were together, even though I now know that what I was living was a complete fabrication.

Living alone and knowing that I will always be alone and not have a family or a partner presents its challenges. Waking up alone becomes easier as the time goes by, even that thought in the moment upon waking that you are alone and will forever be waking up alone, becomes easier and tends not to be given the same recognition that it once did, when the gaping hole in you're bed was a reminder of another failed relationship, in these times it takes time before you start to sleep in the middle of the bed again, you still leave one side of the bed vacant, just in case things were to ever change. When you get to the point where you sleep in the middle, or roll around during the night you know that hope has been lost that you will share the bed again and you begin to wonder how you ever did share it to begin with!

Going to bed is much the same. Often it actually feels quite wonderful and indulgent to go to bed at 7.30pm every night and know that sleep is only moments away, no chatter, no sex, no disturbances to keep you awake, there is certainly something liberating about it.

It is also liberating to eat what you want, to forget about exercising! Why would you even bother watching what you eat or staying in shape if you no longer seek to please or to find a mate!? What is the point of maintaining a healthy lifestyle if you will not be around to watch family grow and to be a part of a family in some way, you begin to realise that financially and emotionally you have not built enough to be able to live that long anyway!

Smoking can be enjoyed completely guilt free! Drinking can be embraced and personal grooming requires no more than the occasional shave, occasional wash of the hair and no youth retaining products, no expensive hairdressing visits and certainly no purchasing of make up, clothes, shoes or accessories.

There is no longer a need to save for the future, to worry about buying property and paying off a mortgage, filling up superannuation and becoming "financially stable" - these things are the realm of those who expect and plan for family life, for a long and healthy existence and for a retirement with a partner and family, but when these things are not longer an option or a possibility to you, the need no longer exists.

There is something extremely liberating about knowing that all you really need to do is to work to live for the now. You don't need to have financial goals and targets for the future, as long as the rent is paid and the lights are on that's all that really matters!

And that is where we start to wonder what on earth we were meant to be doing here in life?? The old "meaning of life question".....was it just that I was put here to enjoy certain things, to form certain views, to hold certain values, to have hopes and dreams and wants and desires only to find that the universe has other plans? Other ways it wants me to be spending my time??

To be honest I am not sure yet. I don't know what the meaning of "life" is, I certainly have not found the meaning of my own life, what I am meant to be doing with it, whilst I know that I am not to have the traditional family, partner and children thing going on, and can be completely certain about that, I am not certain about what it is that I AM meant to be doing.........the search continues.