Over the last few years my faith in humanity has certainly been challenged. I have been hurt by the people I loved and trusted the most and this has certainly caused me to doubt my sense of worth but also has caused me to be very selective about who I share my time with but most importantly who I share my thoughts and feelings with.
Recently whilst enduring one of the many speed dating events I attend I met someone who I didn't really think a huge amount of but decided to "tick yes" to anyway because I liked his eyes and his teeth. Yep, I am actually that superficial. As it turns out he didn't really think a great deal of me either but for some reason he also "ticked yes" which means our email contacts were exchanged and as a result he contacted me, we went on a date which I expected to last no more than an hour which is generally how long they last, but this one went on much longer and before I knew it we had spent close to 5 hours together and I really enjoyed his company.
We started seeing each other on a fairly regular basis and whilst I didn't consider this to be overly serious I started to like him the more I got to know him. He opened up to me quite a bit and shared very personal details of his life which has been no walk in the park for him.
Whilst I was feeling very much like I was reserving my judgement on him and the situation and any feelings for him I really liked the time we spent together and must admit that a small level of attachment was forming.
Most people who don't know me very well think that my life is an "open book" that I share anything with anyone because I am blunt and say things that perhaps others wouldn't but those who know me best know that this is only a front and that I actually share very little with most people - of the stuff that really matters. He started to figure this out fairly quickly and was continually asking me to share something personal with him, anything, just something that mattered and that I don't tell other people. I got sick of refusing and after sharing a few hours of fairly amazing intimacy I cracked under the pressure and shared a small and extremely brief amount of the circumstances, hurt, loss and pain I have felt, leaving out any level of detail at all.
His reaction at the time was wonderful. He was reassuring, comforting, accepting and loving in a way I don't think I have ever experienced before. The evening ended, I went home and within a few days he contacted me to organise a time to have a "chat" which I knew immediately meant he wanted to end it. I told him that there was no need for the conversation but regardless we had it and as expected he drew things to a conclusion.
Whilst I am not and was not surprised I was annoyed with myself for not trusting my instincts and keeping things to myself. But then I started to think about that and I have to say that going forward it would not be an easy facade to maintain. If you want to be close to someone, really understand them and know them and have an intimate relationship with them then at some point some level of sharing is surly necessary??! And it seems to me that at this age there is enough baggage between two people that unless these this are out in the open at some point then we really don't have any hope of forming new relationships once our marriages or serious long-term relationships end.
The situation certainly has made me reconsider my ability to enter into a relationship of any kind, albeit casual dating which this situation certainly was - but anything more than sex is probably out of the question for me for now and I have certainly called a halt to any dating of any kind, as I really don't think I will be able to trust anyone again for quite some time as mine has been broken a few too many times of late.
However I also had an experience that turned my faith in humanity around a little. Such contrasts in such a short space of time.
I went to a birthday party for a friend who was celebrating with a bunch of people I have had little or no contact with since the big break up with the ex some time ago. I knew he would be there but expected he would turn up later so as reluctant as I was to attend I thought if I go early and leave shortly after I may be lucky enough to miss him. I was wrong, he was there before me and we were the only guests for quite some time.
As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with him being there as we really didn't interact and as old friends turned up and their greetings were warm and friendly I felt more than happy to stay on and abandoned my plan to make an early exit.
As the night wore on and people were chatting to me, despite my feeling uncomfortable being there, embarrassed really about what had happened between the ex and I, feeling foolish that he had found someone to replace me before I moved out and then took her to be a part of this group of friends so quickly as if I had never mattered or existed (which I know in his world I hadn't) and the resentment I felt towards these people who had in my eyes stood by and said nothing and done nothing as if they thought this was ok, it started to become clear to me that these people or at least many of them didn't feel that way.
Without me saying anything many of them approached me telling me how great it was to see me and how they had been unhappy that he had done what he did to me and that they really disapproved of his behavior and of his relationship with this girl, they also said they thought he had made a huge mistake - and I must say that did make me feel a little good about myself - but mainly I felt really welcomed and like I didn't need to feel the shame I had been carrying around with me for so long, for it is not me who should be ashamed at all.
My faith in people was somewhat restored during this time. Feeling pleased that people wanted to speak to me, wanted to share their thoughts and feelings about things with me and making me feel welcome and loved was a really nice experience.
As the evening wore on and the effects of drugs and alcohol kicked in things became heated between the ex and I in what might have been seen as him becoming a little jealous of a man I met during the evening. Although this was the interpretation given to me by many who witnessed things I didn't and don't agree. He is a man deeply in love with someone else and despite her not being there that evening it has become more and more clear that they have a deep connection far beyond anything I ever imagined between us.
There was a moment during the evening when he hugged me and kissed me on the head and with my arms around him for a few sweet moments it once again felt right, like its the only place in the world I feel happy safe and complete, but then I have to walk away and remind myself that its not real, and even if it was he will never get her out of his life, not completely. He will always hold a torch for her and I will never be able to complete and he will never want to work at earning my trust back even if he said it was over between them.
So whilst my faith once again in relationships with men of an intimate nature was damaged I can honestly say that my faith in good friends was restored beyond what I thought was possible.
Recently whilst enduring one of the many speed dating events I attend I met someone who I didn't really think a huge amount of but decided to "tick yes" to anyway because I liked his eyes and his teeth. Yep, I am actually that superficial. As it turns out he didn't really think a great deal of me either but for some reason he also "ticked yes" which means our email contacts were exchanged and as a result he contacted me, we went on a date which I expected to last no more than an hour which is generally how long they last, but this one went on much longer and before I knew it we had spent close to 5 hours together and I really enjoyed his company.
We started seeing each other on a fairly regular basis and whilst I didn't consider this to be overly serious I started to like him the more I got to know him. He opened up to me quite a bit and shared very personal details of his life which has been no walk in the park for him.
Whilst I was feeling very much like I was reserving my judgement on him and the situation and any feelings for him I really liked the time we spent together and must admit that a small level of attachment was forming.
Most people who don't know me very well think that my life is an "open book" that I share anything with anyone because I am blunt and say things that perhaps others wouldn't but those who know me best know that this is only a front and that I actually share very little with most people - of the stuff that really matters. He started to figure this out fairly quickly and was continually asking me to share something personal with him, anything, just something that mattered and that I don't tell other people. I got sick of refusing and after sharing a few hours of fairly amazing intimacy I cracked under the pressure and shared a small and extremely brief amount of the circumstances, hurt, loss and pain I have felt, leaving out any level of detail at all.
His reaction at the time was wonderful. He was reassuring, comforting, accepting and loving in a way I don't think I have ever experienced before. The evening ended, I went home and within a few days he contacted me to organise a time to have a "chat" which I knew immediately meant he wanted to end it. I told him that there was no need for the conversation but regardless we had it and as expected he drew things to a conclusion.
Whilst I am not and was not surprised I was annoyed with myself for not trusting my instincts and keeping things to myself. But then I started to think about that and I have to say that going forward it would not be an easy facade to maintain. If you want to be close to someone, really understand them and know them and have an intimate relationship with them then at some point some level of sharing is surly necessary??! And it seems to me that at this age there is enough baggage between two people that unless these this are out in the open at some point then we really don't have any hope of forming new relationships once our marriages or serious long-term relationships end.
The situation certainly has made me reconsider my ability to enter into a relationship of any kind, albeit casual dating which this situation certainly was - but anything more than sex is probably out of the question for me for now and I have certainly called a halt to any dating of any kind, as I really don't think I will be able to trust anyone again for quite some time as mine has been broken a few too many times of late.
However I also had an experience that turned my faith in humanity around a little. Such contrasts in such a short space of time.
I went to a birthday party for a friend who was celebrating with a bunch of people I have had little or no contact with since the big break up with the ex some time ago. I knew he would be there but expected he would turn up later so as reluctant as I was to attend I thought if I go early and leave shortly after I may be lucky enough to miss him. I was wrong, he was there before me and we were the only guests for quite some time.
As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with him being there as we really didn't interact and as old friends turned up and their greetings were warm and friendly I felt more than happy to stay on and abandoned my plan to make an early exit.
As the night wore on and people were chatting to me, despite my feeling uncomfortable being there, embarrassed really about what had happened between the ex and I, feeling foolish that he had found someone to replace me before I moved out and then took her to be a part of this group of friends so quickly as if I had never mattered or existed (which I know in his world I hadn't) and the resentment I felt towards these people who had in my eyes stood by and said nothing and done nothing as if they thought this was ok, it started to become clear to me that these people or at least many of them didn't feel that way.
Without me saying anything many of them approached me telling me how great it was to see me and how they had been unhappy that he had done what he did to me and that they really disapproved of his behavior and of his relationship with this girl, they also said they thought he had made a huge mistake - and I must say that did make me feel a little good about myself - but mainly I felt really welcomed and like I didn't need to feel the shame I had been carrying around with me for so long, for it is not me who should be ashamed at all.
My faith in people was somewhat restored during this time. Feeling pleased that people wanted to speak to me, wanted to share their thoughts and feelings about things with me and making me feel welcome and loved was a really nice experience.
As the evening wore on and the effects of drugs and alcohol kicked in things became heated between the ex and I in what might have been seen as him becoming a little jealous of a man I met during the evening. Although this was the interpretation given to me by many who witnessed things I didn't and don't agree. He is a man deeply in love with someone else and despite her not being there that evening it has become more and more clear that they have a deep connection far beyond anything I ever imagined between us.
There was a moment during the evening when he hugged me and kissed me on the head and with my arms around him for a few sweet moments it once again felt right, like its the only place in the world I feel happy safe and complete, but then I have to walk away and remind myself that its not real, and even if it was he will never get her out of his life, not completely. He will always hold a torch for her and I will never be able to complete and he will never want to work at earning my trust back even if he said it was over between them.
So whilst my faith once again in relationships with men of an intimate nature was damaged I can honestly say that my faith in good friends was restored beyond what I thought was possible.
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