The Summer that was not Endless

I have been listening to a CD lately which has taken me back to a place that sometimes I wish I could go back to and make different decisions or choices…the feeling that if you had turned left and not right in a situation and everything would have been different….

I was painting and renovating my house at the time when I listened to this CD quite a bit, if I’m honest it was almost every night.  It takes me back to a moment in time, I find it quite amazing how music has the capacity to do that but that’s another blog entirely…

I was living the life I thought I wanted to live.  I had studied hard and achieved career success and was paid well, I had a relationship with a man I thought I was deeply in love with and who I thought was in love with me and we were planning a life together and my hard work on the house was going to result in my home selling for a great price (which it did) and that we would build a life together and I would contribute to that financially by selling my home and my hard work was all for that.  Then when I least expected it everything changed and essentially went to shit.

I recall the moment I knew it was over and that nothing in my life would ever be the same and that moment still fills me with dread and remorse for what could have been.  For the years that have followed I have held onto hope that at some point there would be some coming back from that and that somehow someway it would be able to be back the way it was again.

Those thoughts even now listening to the same music that takes me to that place I am not only accepting of the devastation that took place, I am actually pleased it did as, even though I have lived through what can only be described as a “living hell” I have come through and am a better, happier and more content person as a result.

I no longer have my home.  I no longer have romantic love in my life or the hopes and dreams of building a life with someone, I no longer have a well-paid job but I have found a different and more satisfying life that offers me none of those things yet brings me more joy, peace and fulfillment.

At times it’s often hard to see this as I am not going to lie; there are dark moments, disappointments and lonely times. 

This festive season has taken me to a place of extraordinary highs followed by some equally extraordinary lows.

I was lucky enough to meet someone really lovely and amazing, who for a short time at least turned my world upside down.  He made me feel amazing and I enjoyed each and every single second I was fortunate enough to spend in his presence.  He was a breath of fresh air that made me realise that so many of the men I have dated before have been so incredibly second rate.

He made what is normally a gloomy time for me, the festive season when it feels like everyone else is enjoying themselves and I am simply not, a glorious time where for the first time in so long I have managed to enjoy the significant dates which I normally loath and detest, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and my birthday which follows soon thereafter.  Each of these days was made wonderful by him.

Then, after spending every day since we met and almost every night he dumped me over an issue so ridiculous that it isn’t even worth putting into words.

We met on a Thursday evening before Christmas after meeting online and organising a drink at a local bar.  I completely expected that like all the “dates” I have with men from either speed dating or online, I would be home in an hour and wishing I had not even bothered.  But he seemed different, he was relaxed in his own skin and we chatted and he seemed to enjoy my company.

When it was time to leave we walked home together, his street came before mine but he said he would walk me home which I thought was nice.  When we got to my place he suggested a drink at the pub across the road.  I said we were better off having one at my place as the pub over the road is hideous at the best of times and at least at home we would have good music and the pleasant surrounds of my garden.

We sat for several hours drinking, knowing that both of us needed to show up for work the next day but only briefly and with no need to arrive early.  We listened to music and I was impressed with his 80’s music trivia knowledge and also his iPod music collection.  He kissed me and when he did I knew I was in trouble because I enjoyed it far too much.

I said I didn’t want him to “stay” because I was actually interested in seeing him again and that he wouldn’t want to do that if he did, but we were drunk and I gave way to my desire to make the night last forever.

In the morning he left, he asked me what would happen from here and I said I completely understood that he wouldn’t contact me again and he blew that off and said ‘let’s just agree that I will call you later this afternoon’.  Which he did, we had dinner, he stayed over and we woke up on Saturday morning and continued on one long date for 5 weeks seeing each other every day and spending almost every night together.  The funny thing is I have never done that with anyone before, I have tired of being around them, wanted to be one my own for a bit or felt like I really didn’t want them to become too much part of my life, but not with him, he made me feel relaxed and at ease and I enjoyed just sitting with him, reading or watching sport on TV.

I also found that I had never met anyone who I actually enjoyed so many of the same activities or interests with.  An afternoon at the TAB watching horse racing and betting may seem like a complete nightmare to many people but it’s one of the things I enjoy doing the most and he loves that as well. 

We loved listening to the same music, we both enjoy going to the gym and remarkably both enjoy the same kinds of TV programs and movies, but also both seemed to enjoy just hanging out over summer, walking around doing the normal things that we both do anyway but just doing them together.  I really thought this was someone I could get used to having around.

There was no need for a discussion about where “our relationship” was going, something I hate having to discuss and never bring up because the thought makes me cringe…..we just both seemed at ease and comfortable with the way things were.

There were a couple of “incidents” where it was clear he was unhappy about my behaviour, my drunken birthday being one of them where he expressed that he didn’t wish to see me in that state again, I agreed that it was horrible and that I wouldn’t have wanted to have seen me in that state either, so I made a decision that I really needed to ensure I eat even in the heat of summer and don’t just rely on bubbles for nourishment after doing a day of 3 hours of exercise and very little food or water!

I wanted to “do better” than the way I had on my birthday because I know I am better than that, even though I had a great night I actually do have the ability to pull up when I have had enough to drink and I didn’t on that occasion and feel embarrassed at the result.  But also felt like I actually had a really good reason to “pull up” when I felt I was not being judged but it was pointed out that I didn’t need to behave like that.

The situation was made slightly more complex by the fact that I had googled him just days after we met.  When I did this I got information that in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined.  I had a decision to make, cut and run based on what little information was available online or keep seeing him and make my own assessment based on how he presented to me, how he treated me and in time I expected that he would probably tell me the details of the information I had read about and I assumed that whilst it was shocking, it may not have been in reality everything that it was made out to be in the online articles I read.  I decided not to judge him.

I did however gather from what was presented (and from what I had read online) that this was a man who was clearly in the stages of rebuilding his life after what was clearly a very devastating series of events.  I thought there was a fair bit of irony and fate involved in our meeting as I too was and am in a stage of rebuilding from devastation, of course of a different kind, but nonetheless.

During this amazingly happy Summer I when I would wake up to him nearly every day I would think to myself that the devastation was worth it, this is what it has lead me to, a feeling of calm I don’t think I had ever felt before and I was not sorry that I had been through what I had to get to this point.

When he ended things with me I was really angry and said some things I wish I hadn’t.  I was mainly hurt that he did it on the phone, but also that he did it for such a minor “thing” that made little sense to me especially with the knowledge I had of his previous wrong doings which I was more than willing to take a non-judgemental position on.

I guess we both took a different view on meeting and relating to people, I don’t meet a large number, if any actually that I enjoy spending so much time with and the numbers are dwindling as the years pass.  To find someone that you enjoy that much, even if there are things and faults and boxes that don’t quite get ticked, if the major stuff is there it deserves a chance.  He didn’t feel this way, so my search for someone that does continues.

I am disappointed that it ended, I am equally disappointed with the way I reacted as I feel I should have done better, but I am not sorry that I had a great summer with a man I thoroughly enjoyed.  I am more disappointed than anything with the fact that every time I hear the song “Islands in the Stream” and the words ‘this could be the year for the real thing’ I will think of him as I thought at the time that perhaps indeed it was.