Heartbreak Hotel

So have you ever had that feeling that you are so happy and that there is nothing that can possibly make what you have bad and that despite the years and years of turmoil and personal pain and hardship that you have finally found happiness, not just with someone else but within yourself? But all the time you are scared to enjoy it too much or be seen to be too happy because you keep pinching yourself thinking that at any time when you least expect it the universe is going to smack you on the back of the head and say ‘wake up princess, this sort of happiness doesn’t happen to the likes of you!’…….whether you can relate to that feeling or not, this is what my fate has delivered over recent months. I correct that, a stupid mistake caught up with me and I can not necessarily put that down to fate, I guess the timing and the consequences could perhaps be put down to fate – but the rest of it was simply my own fault.
So after a long period of being alone and really not dating much and trying to get over what was not a good marriage, but nonetheless painful when it ended, I, as indicated in past blogs, hooked up with a long term friend. The relationship developed and I believe I fell in love for the first time, yep, really, in the whole 32 years of my life I don’t think I have actually ever been in love before.
When I looked at him I could see myself being with him until the end of time. I saw my entire future with him, and despite knowing that I could and can live without him, I simply didn’t want to. My choice was to let myself have these feelings and trust that I was not making a mistake, all the time praying that this decision would not backfire.
Well it did. Once again I find myself alone and that doesn’t bother me so much, the loss of someone who was not only my friend but the person I really believed I would be able to trust and cherish for eternity is now gone and I have to dig deep to find the strength to accept the loss and find happiness again.
So this is how my story starts. It will have to be told slowly because its so painful, but my goal will be to write a piece of it each day and perhaps in doing so can try and work out what happens to the rest of my life from here.