Onwards and upwards

Ok. So I’m starting to feel like the hard times are coming to an end. I’m feeling quite proud that I now have my driver’s license back and have at this point driven three times. Avoiding turning left or right and rain, although it did rain yesterday when I went to the shops so I did a Granma drive home, even though it was less than 1.5km and was only spitting with rain.

Its worth mentioning here that that I was in a very serious car accident just before my 21st birthday and it was largely as a result of some serious rain and I have a serious phobia as a result, plus my general hate, loathing actually of driving.

So my news today was good. My settlement on my house is actually going to come through in a week. This does nothing to improve my relationship status as I was told so many times it would. The promise was always that once I had sorted this mess out and got myself together that I could go home. This has changed many times and 'he' has seen me for around and hour I think no more than six times in the last four months.

So that demonstrates something to me that I have been trying to avoid accepting. This is a total lack of interest and support in me as a person and really does speak volumes about my value to him. So as much as I am still in love with 'him' I need to have the wake up call, and I think I finally have.

I clearly mean so much less to 'him' as has been demonstrated, and when I put myself in the opposite situation and think, what I would have done if this happened to someone I loved, (even if it was largely their own fault) and the answer I keep coming back with is that I would NEVER have left them totally alone. Clearly my powers of identifying a good partner could use some refinement as I believe in loyalty and sticking, through thick and thin.

But, as one of my best and dearest friends pointed out to me earlier this week, he’s just letting it go on not to hurt you but because he is just really bad at breaking up – and this to me sounds like the most likely scenario because I know he is not a bad person and I am not angry with him anymore.

So I am looking forward to getting on with the next phase of my life.

The first thing I need to do is go to London to see my darling Phil. Then I need to work out how to fall in love again, not even that so much, just how to trust again, how to get to a point where I am healed enough to let myself think that not every man I sleep with or enter a relationship with is just going to hurt me.

When I go to London I want to have fun and the possibility of having those butterflies and the excitement of the first kiss and the first sexual experience in a LONG time and even maybe fall in lust or love and then have to leave that behind, I think I can do that.

The endless possibilities and opportunities I am now presented with are nothing short of exciting and filling me with a positive energy that is making me feel somewhat invincible after so many months of being downtrodden.

I am looking forward to meet someone who thinks I’m ace, who loves me for my caring nature, my big arse, my loud mouth, my love for my dogs and my dedication to a relationships and friendships, and these are all qualities I need to keep reminding myself that I have, and that this past relationship did not work out because I am rubbish but because he couldn’t see or didn’t value these qualities and frankly, at the end of the day, he can’t commit.

So yes, I expect to go to London and get drunk allot and travel around Europe and have the time of my life. The 11th of September could not come around any sooner!