The Search

During my late teens and early 20's I generally always had a boyfriend, they may not always have lasted very long, some longer than others of course, but meeting men was always fairly easy. I met my husband, we were together for close to 8 years and even during that time, whilst I am not at all proud of it, I met other men as well. Oh god, when I look back and think about what a wasted opportunity that was, he was a great guy, I should have treated him with much more respect and I should never have let him go - all I can say is that I was young, far far too young, I had no idea about life and I always felt like I wanted to be with him forever but yet was in some way held back and not able to experience everything I wanted to if we were together, so whilst I regret that we are not together now, I also feel that if we had have met when I was a bit older it would have been quite different.
Anyway, in my late 20's I was once again single and whilst I missed the intimacy of having a partner I certainly didn't find good men to be in short supply. Sadly I have since then wasted 5 years on a roller-coaster of a relationship ride with someone who I fell madly in love with, believed was my "soul mate" and left me feeling that I had spent my entire life "looking for love in all the wrong places"! only to find that he in fact felt nothing for me at all - what a waste of my best and most "fertile" years!
So I now find myself in the hardest category of all when it comes to being single - over (almost) 35. Well I have no statistics to back me up on it being the "hardest", but I can say from experience it is certainly tough out there! Whilst I have dated a few people over the past couple of years, some of them I have dated for longer than others, it has really only been the last 6 months when I have felt that the pressure is on to "make it happen" - the pressure being more a sense of me needing to become more active in my search I guess, and to stop thinking that "it will happen" - because the reality is that when you get to my age IT WON'T! Not without MAKING IT HAPPEN!
I think there are many reasons for this, as we get older we get more comfortable and tend to approach people less, so I do find that there are less advances made at the bar, or in the pub etc. There are also smaller social groups, where there were once 20 of my friends at the pub there is perhaps only 5 or 10 and they don't bring their single friends anymore because they don't have any! They are all married and living in suburbs I have never heard the name of! But I also think that broadly its a social trend that people are less inclined to interact with each other, we interact in person less with those we know and love, we send emails, text messages etc rather than calling in to see them or ringing them on the phone, so we carry that social trend into other parts of our lives, like when we go out, we are less inclined to even know how to interact with new people we meet.
But it is also just harder making friends when you get older, I remember making friends at school where you would just ask someone if they would be your best friend, they would agree and that was deal done. Now things seem so much more complicated and it all seems like so much hard work, and for someone like myself who never cared at all about going out and "picking up", because I would much rather have just sat there and enjoyed the company of my friends, it seems like its near on impossible to meet a romantic interest in this purist organic manner.
So, the first thing one does in my situation is to become a member of the dating websites RSVP and Adultmatchmaker - both of which have extremely different "clientele". RSVP is more for the desperate singles and Adutmatchmaker is more for the sexually deprived, both have their advantages and both are worth signing up to because between the hideous dates you have to endure courtesy of RSVP you may actually just need to have some sex, which is where Adultmatchmaker comes in.
I have been on more RSVP dates than what I have time or energy to write about in the last 12 months, but I can summarise by saying that it is very rare to find that someone is in real life as they present online - this may come as not much of a shock to those who have not tried this before, but I can tell you that sometimes the things people hide can be quite shocking and present some serious challenges to even stay seated for the first drink on the first date, let alone considering seeing them again!
As an example, I met a bloke who seemed nice, good looking etc, agreed to meet for a drink. We exchanged phone numbers after agreeing to meet and I received a constant stream of text messages and phone calls (which I did not answer) prior to the date "confirming" which made me actually want to "unconfirm" and tell him to bugger off, however against my better judgement I met him anyway, he was not good looking and he had a strange desire to keep grabbing at my legs after only having met him for a few moments I found this to be strange and something I was certainly not keen to continue with so I left.
This is the other thing I have developed - a very keen sense of when it is time to call it quits! I am a strong believer in not sitting it out more than you need to, being honest and just saying it like it is - I now no longer sit there all night wishing I could click my ruby shoes together and think of "home" I simply say 'thanks for the drink/evening/dinner I'm going to call it a night' - and I need to stress that there needs to be no hesitation at this point, they will be shocked but the key is to not allow them to say a single word, you just have to get up and leave IMMEDIATELY!
Speed Dating and other singles events are the other avenue I have been exploring recently - proud to say that I was made an "elite" member of the Speed Dating club after a recent event where I actually worked out very quickly that the only way I was going to endure the evening, and have any chance of enjoying it after seeing what was on offer was to drink an absolute truckload of booze and become a huge smart arse - now to become an "elite" member you need to have more than 70% of the male participants select that they would like to see you again - I was rude to them all, including the only one decent bloke who was in attendance that evening (who I went out with after for a few drinks and had a shocking follow up date with) - so this is basically telling of how desperate these poor sods are - I was rude and drunk and clearly not interested in any of them yet they thought I would be good for a second date!! What??!!
I also recently attended a singles cocktail function, this was for over 30's, in a bar and was significantly less expensive than the Speed Dating events so my friend and I thought we would give it a go. It was beyond bad. Not only did I recognise many men, and some woman from Speed Dating events, I also found that the women were nasty and the men were shocking. We scoured the room for anything decent and after realising it was another night where I would be going home alone, without the possibility of someone having taken my phone number and with years of regret lingering I decided once again to let loose and get drunk.
I spent the evening talking with men who need to take a serious look at themselves. Their grooming was highly questionable, their choice of attire was at best bizarre and the conversation incredibly bleak.
It is really quite amazing to me how many single men live in suburbs I have never heard of, and places I imagine only the struggling family type venture for a "better life" like Berwick - now seriously, what on earth would a single man be doing living in such a place??!! Does he really think that by buying a 6 bedroom "Simonnds Special" home with a 4 car garage on a quarter acre block mean that he will be ready when "Miss Right"comes along to fill it with their children??!! I have no desire to hear about their home, swimming pool or any other of the bogan suburban hidden luxuries in a joint like that, I certainly have no desire to commute that kind of distance for a courtship and if this is the kind of life these people are after then I will opt out, stay on my own and live with my dogs in Richmond thanks very much!
This particular event was fantastic for people watching - because it sure as hell was no good for anything else! Even if I was a bloke I would have to be honest and say that other than my friend and I , there was not much on offer! The women were trying to act sophisticated and interesting and when they were in the loo they spoke like desperate tramps. The men were nervous but were in their element because they knew they would be unlikely to be knocked back.
One bloke who decided to position himself next to me I had pointed out to my friend earlier, laughing at him and wondering if he was actually "all there" - he had a shaved head all hair gone except for a small patch at the back of his head where he had managed to grow a blonde "rats tail" which he had platted and was about 9inch long. It was so ridiculous I laughed out loud when I saw it.
But like a magnet to mad people he found me and sat himself next to me. Before he got comfortable I told him that in no universe or timezone would I ever sleep with him yet he stayed, like a skid mark on your best undies, this bloke was not going to leave. Finally I went off to find myself another drink and decided that I would go and have a smoke - what the hell I thought, I never smoke at those things as I actually don't want to meet a smoker, don't want anyone to smell it on me and actually plan to give up so I can have healthy children - but blow me down, blonde rats tail was outside smoking as well....he seemed to this this was fate intervening in some way and even after being extremely rude to this bloke he still propositioned me with 'come on, you know whats going on between us here' - I replied with 'yeah, you are making me sick and I'm going home' and I left, wishing I had made more of my opportunities in my best years - early 30's and thinking that I deserve better luck with my upcoming RSVP dates after enduring this!

A Valuable Lesson

In my last blog I wrote about an affair I have been having with a man who is married. I also wrote about how I have also recently been seeing the ex and that he had told me some things about his relationship with the girl he left me for that were not pleasant to hear, mainly that he was wanting to continue a relationship with her once she returned from Europe because of her loving, functional and wealthy family, and how it was out of the question that anything could be maintained between us because my family situation is so completely opposite to this.
He read that blog and has ceased contact with me because of it.  Not because of what was said about his relationship with the girl he left me for, but because of his anger and complete loss of respect for me that I allowed myself to get involved with a man who is married, and to be fair, he fully admits that this is completely hypocritical on his behalf because he has done this himself - many times.
Its probably worth mentioning that my reasons for becoming involved with this man were completely and utterly selfish and self-indulgent. I have been angry at the "sister-hood" for doing this to me for so many years and on so many occasions, and I wanted revenge of sorts (although this mans wife has certainly never done anything to me, and certainly has not done anything to deserve any upheaval I have caused....although to my knowledge there has been none within their relationship).  But mainly I wanted to feel good about myself.  Its hard to admit that this was the driver for my involvement but its true.  I spent so long feeling so bad about myself after the ex and I ended, and every time he came into my life again even briefly he left and I felt even worse, yet again and I wanted to feel better, even if it was only for a short time.
Every date I have been on, every time I have started seeing someone it has ended and I have again felt the waves of self-loathing wash over me once again, and seeing someone who was married, who I had no exceptions of and I knew from the beginning what the outcome would be was a "safe" and a selfish way to make myself feel good.  And it worked, at least on that level. It didn't make me feel good that I was doing it, on a moral level it completely flies in the face of who I am and what I believe it is and try to maintain a position of conducting myself with dignity, integrity and trying to be a good person.  It was a selfish and shameful act and it will not happen again.
For the last few years I have been seeing a therapist, yeah, call me crazy if you like, but I have been on a genuine mission of self-improvement, and on many levels it has helped tremendously.  I wanted to "clear out the demons" of a range of traumatic incidents in my life and work towards making myself a better person and ensure that when the ex and I started the family we were planning I could be the best partner and the best parent I could possibly be.  As it turned out, he left me and I continued with therapy to help me get through this, yet another very traumatic time in my life, but the goal was always the same - self-improvement.
I believe that no matter how "functional" a persons life may appear from the outside, no matter if the family unit remains intact and even financial circumstances are completely glorious - there is still room for self-improvement and there are always levels of dysfunction that exist within a family and an individual and at times we could all use the exchange of $150 bucks an hour for the time of a professional to point out how we might do better, treat people better or make our interactions with others more meaningful - and ultimately more likely to go the distance, in the case of maintaining a long-term relationship, which, it is no understatement to say, is a difficult thing to do at times -m so call me crazy for seeing a "shrink" if you like, but I think the real "crazies" are the people who don't think they need one!
I have grown and evolved during my period of time with my "shrink".  I certainly do many things better and the improvement I have achieved in the relationships within my family have been quite remarkable.  But at times I still stumble and this time I fell.  Lets be honest, I didn't just fall, I fell from great heights and grazed, cut up and bruised every single part of my body.
Whilst things have been good during this time I have been seeing the ex, we have maintained a position of friends, enjoying each others company, great sex and with a complete understanding that this was in no way "committed", I have been more than happy to see what happens, not get too emotionally involved and really just live in the moment (something that would have been difficult for me to maintain pre-therapy), when he shared the details of his thoughts regarding my family situation and this being his reason for not ever being able to be with me long-term, even though it was not the long-term thing that bothered me, I was saddened and defensive.  I digested the information with a bitter taste in my mouth and the constant occurrence of reflux, which I maintained control over until we had a small and very recoverable disagreement last weekend, at which time I, after not sleeping for many many consecutive nights (due to the bitter taste and reflux), I wrote my previous blog, I wrote it as a complete expression of my feeling that this was so completely and utterly unfair that I was yet again being cast aside despite my good qualities because of my family.
I wrote that blog because I hoped he would read it and I hoped it would hurt him as much if not more than the things he had said about my family had hurt me. I am not sure that I actually achieved my "goal" of hurting him, but I have discovered that I have done worse than that, I have disappointed him and lost his respect.  So I have hurt myself far more than I ever have the capacity to hurt him.
The truth, as I have been able reflect on my actions (with the benefit of what I have learned from all those sessions of $150 an hour therapy) is that I once again undermined a situation that was bringing me pleasure for the purpose of completing a self-fulfilling prophesy.  I was maintaining a position of relative unemotional involvement, yet it was making me happy and I expected it to end.  I expected that when this girl he left me for returned from her European holiday I would once again be cast to the scrap heap in favor a someone who was lucky enough to not be raised in my family.  I did this deliberately to ensure that I could not be hurt, or that if I was to be hurt, it would happen sooner rather than later so I could get it over and done with and return to the "norm" - where life is steady, predictable and without hope happiness everlasting.
Its a defense mechanism I have developed so that I can maintain a position of 'see, I knew this would happen', expecting the worst every single time rather than actually just waiting to see what happens.
When "crunch time" hit and it all came out and was revealed I actually felt a sense of relief.  I had stopped "it" from going any further with the ex than it had so I felt like I had saved myself a huge amount of time, effort and what I ultimately what I expected would be hurt.
On reflection, and in the light of a new day I am disappointed with myself. I am ashamed of my involvement with a married man and I am ashamed of the fact that I used this to end what was a completely contented situation with the ex, that may or may not have gone on to become something more.  I genuinely had no expectations of it going anywhere and I would have been more than happy for it to have continued on for years without the demands of any level of "commitment" or anything else of that nature.  I was just enjoying him and that was enough.
During the time I have been spending with him I have maintained a commitment to online dating, speed dating and the like and have been on many sad and unsatisfying dates and had many boring and uninteresting conversations with many men who whilst they might be nice people, were clearly not for me.  I have maintained my commitment to finding someone new for two main reasons, one, that the ex and I agreed that we were in no way committed to each other and that either of us at any time may find someone else, but secondly because I, in so many ways have considered the last 5 years of my life with (and often without) the ex as a complete waste of time and energy - why would I possibly want to be with someone who is difficult, who doesn't appreciate me, who nags, is annoying, unreliable, who has only ever taken me out for dinner on one single occasion, who has never bought me flowers or a gift "just because", who has never taken me away for a romantic weekend or a holiday (other than when we needed to go away for weekends to get km's up on the car to avoid tax and when he wanted someone to drive over 2 states with to look after some children at the other end) or done anything that to the outside world and on paper makes him seem in any way romantic or decent and I had really hoped during this time that I would find someone who would do all of those things.
At times it has upset me and made me feel so sad and much less than anything that ever meant anything to him that he has been this way with me and yet with others he has dated, including the girl he left me for, he makes so much more effort to impress.  But then there is another part of me that knows that these things don't come naturally to him, and that actually they really mean very little or nothing to me either so I know that these things are not what was important to me (or to him) about whatever it was that we had.....and I am still not completely sure of what that was.  But getting a text from him with nothing more than kisses on it was enough to fill me with all the happiness that flowers, dinners, gifts and weekends away could have. 
What I have enjoyed about being with the ex is the complete lack of effort it requires to be with him and enjoy his company.  I will miss that. I will miss the way that we could spend time together with few words exchanged but yet I felt like the other part of my body was in the room when he was there.  I have loved the fact that neither of us has had to go to any effort to make the other one feel good - its the ease of things with him, and knowing that it wont be like this (so easy and requiring no effort) with others that makes me sad that it has ended.
It has certainly become clear to me over the last few months that my feelings towards him have changed quite considerable. I am not in love with him in a way that I once was - that feeling that you ache when the person is not around, where it is an all consuming love that makes it hard to think about doing anything than just being with that person, and a gripping fear that they will leave.  I love him now with a sense of respect and loyalty, of knowing all his flaws, faults and failings but loving him anyway knowing he is a good, a great human being, where affection can be given and received without the feeling that it needs to be constant for it to have meaning, where making dinner or doing anything for him is not driven by a desire to impress but to show care and the desire to, if possible make life easier or more enjoyable for him.  But I guess its also the type of love where his respect for me was more important than constant attention or adoration - and it is this that I feel most sad about losing, and I guess I will always wonder "what might have been" under different circumstances because I think its the kind of love that is more enduring than the passion fueled and less mature love.  Its the kind of stuff that sees you forgive mistakes, get through life's big challenges - the kind of stuff they talk about in wedding vows - richer or poorer, better or worse.......so I think its a shame I did what I did to ruin that, but I also think its a shame that he didn't recognise that these things are so much more important than the kind of wealthy, seemingly functional family you come from.  I can now only hope that I will find that with someone else, and I will keep looking!
What I heave learned from this experience is completely invaluable.  I deliberately undermined what I was enjoying and what made me happy because I was scared of what might or might not happen,so I need to remember this lesson when I am next involved with someone.  What he has probably learned is that it is best for him not to read my blog and so I am quite sure he will never see this, and I doubt if I will ever see him again other than perhaps to pass him by, at which time I expect he will just walk right past me.
What I do hope is that he finds happiness, somewhere and with someone.  And I hope the same for me, I expect the same for me, because all those sessions at 150 bucks an hour have given me the confidence to expect that it is possible to expect, and GET happiness - even if sometimes you doubt if you deserve it.

A Married Man

Never did I think I would ever have an affair with a man who was married.  Whilst I don't actually have that much respect for the "institution" of marriage per say, as in I don't actually think that it is more important to be married to someone than in a committed relationship with them, and mostly because I actually don't, didn't and never have had much of a desire to be married myself (even though I have been), I have still always considered marriage and I guess any committed relationship to be a sacred union between two people that is not to be violated or interfered with by anyone else.
Having said that, I have also always probably felt that way because I never wanted to be the undoing of a relationship of importance to another woman.  My strong desire to stay faithful to the "sisterhood" has certainly prevented me in the past to become involved in that situation and I have certainly condemned any of my friends and my sister who have been involved in such activity.
Well that was until recently.  My faith in the sisterhood has run dry as it certainly has not been good to me.  My relationship with the ex was undermined and destroyed by a woman who certainly did not have the same respect for the principles I hold true, and previous relationships including my marriage have all gone to shit when "another woman" has come on the scene.
So my affair has history, and here it is - about 10 years ago I was working with a man I found extremely desirable on many levels.  I was also engaged at the time and had not been unfaithful to my partner of several years.  The man I was working with was an ex-AFL footballer, an intelect, a man who cared about all the same things as me and who I worked closely with and found myself attracted to in a way I had not experienced before.
Shortly before I was due to be married I phoned a friend of mine and confided in her about my desires to be involved with this man and to abandon my plans to be married.  She told me that I 'always do this...run for the hills and find any reason to exit stage left when the fear of commitment set in' - I was hoping for something else but I didn't know how to get out of the wedding plans and with nothing to go on other than what I felt was a great connection with this man and a strong desire to be with him, I put it down to the fact that she was right, I was looking for a reason not to go through with a commitment I didn't really believe in or want to be part of.
Well, I got married, I got back to work and was confronted by a rather abrupt and shocked work mate who seemed surprised that I had not told him of my plans to be away from work and certainly had no idea I was getting married.  I knew he was seeing someone, but I had no idea of the status of their relationship at that time, and was shocked by his reaction.
After leaving that work place we remained friends, close friends.  We worked together on various projects over the years and always the feelings seeing him and spending time with him would once again come to the surface.  He ultimately married the woman he was seeing and after the years went by we lost contact for a short period.  But he was never far from my thoughts and earlier on this year I tracked him down, expecting nothing but was surprised to receive contact from him telling me he thinks of me always and was wanting to see me.  An affair began.
I never saw myself as a person who would get involved in this sort of thing as I mentioned earlier and I justify it to myself by telling myself that I am not the one who is married.  I don't ask him for anything, I don't ask him about his wife or his life or talk about the possibility of him leaving her - in fact I don't want him to do that if it is because of me.
Our first time together sexually was an interesting experience.  It was filled with anticipation as he had told me that he has been wanting this with me since the first moment we met - he told me of his strong desire to start something all those years ago but was scared that he would be rejected.  He told me of a particular moment when we were having some after work drinks and he was trying to pluck up the courage to kiss me and tell me of his feelings towards me, I told him that I recall the moment and wish so badly that he had done this as I would have changed my plans for him, I would not have gone through with getting married and he too said he would have broken up with his girlfriend......leaves me wondering what might have been and where my life would have taken me if that moment had have worked out differently.
I love that when I am with him I can be myself completely.  I find myself saying things, sharing thoughts that I don't share with others for fear of judgement, but yet he finds it and me attractive regardless. My only sadness is when he leaves and I know he goes home filled with guilt, but that is his to deal with and I don't think about his relationship with his wife as I am something private, boxed up and just his, not to be shared.
During this time I have also been seeing the ex.  We have been enjoying each others company, the sex and generally having fun.  I have had no expectations about where this will lead - I think for all my interactions of a sexual nature I am now completely without expectations, hopes and dreams, I just live in the moment.
He recently revealed the true nature of the relationship he maintains with the woman he left me for.  Despite telling me on so many occasions that it was over it is still very much alive and well and the only reason I have been allowed into his life is because she is currently overseas on holidays.
Despite his relationship with her being quite a miserable one he intends to maintain it because although he admits that there is no logic to his feelings on the matter, he doesn't love her, they fight every time they see each other, they do not get along, he doesn't think she is a good person or would make a good mother to his children, and yet he says he loves me, believes I would make a wonderful mother to his children etc .....he wants to and will commit himself to a life with her because she has a wealthy and wonderful family that is so completely opposite to what my family is, completely and utterly dysfunctional.
Hearing these things from him has hurt me in the most unspeakable way.  I have no control over these factors in my life and despite not feeling a strong desire to be with him for any length of time other than until I don't enjoy it anymore, it hurts that I am being judged based on this.
But it hurts less that I have someone else in my life who don't judge me for those factors that I can not control and it fills me with confidence that someone, one day will see past my broken and dysfunctional family and see that, whilst I may be a product of those conditions, I am more than that, and I am worth loving anyway.
Do I feel good about myself because I am having an affair with a married man?  Certainly not.  But I will take from it what I need to rebuild the confidence that has been stripped off me by the ex to find the real thing.

A cruel joke or something I just don't understand....

Recently I had a very serendipitous moment which was then followed by some encounters I simply do not understand.A friend of mine and I always attend the AFL season opening game, its held on a Thursday night and is a match between Richmond and Carlton. Whilst neither of us actually barrack for either team, but we both love Richmond for our own reasons (mine, because my grandparents were both mad Richmond supporters...and hers I suspect having more to do with the fact that seeing Richmond means that she has an excuse to get dressed up in every item of "tiger print" clothing she owns regardless of how badly it matches) we are also mad footy fans who are so deprived during the summer months that we simply can not wait to get to the "G" on that opening night.When I arrived to meet her among the 80,000 plus people attending the event I happened to brush past the ex. He didn't appear to notice me or in fact recognise me, which was not terribly surprising, however I thought I would "break the ice" in case we happened to pass each other again by sending him a quick email from my phone (as I don't have his number to text) to say that we had just walked past each other.......what a strange feeling I thought.....this was a man I was such good friends with for so many years, who I had a relationship of sorts with, who said he wanted to have children with me and who I lived with and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and we now simply pass each other by without so much as an acknowledgement of each other.....however it would seem that he didn't notice me as he emailed me back saying as much.
After my friend and I took our seats, drinks in hand, she decided to toast the opening of the footy season by saying 'Cheers Rachie, scull these down because we need to get our drinking fitness in order, yay to ALF and get ready Rachie cos we are going to do a huge amount of footy this season!'.Soon after the drinks were gone and I was on bar duty. I headed to the bar and literally waked straight into the ex who was at the end of the line. Out of 80,000 people....who would have thought.....I was quite nervous to see him, apprehensive and quite ready to really say nothing. He grabbed me, hugged me, kissed me passionately, he was chatty, he was Mr Charming and seemed not to be able to stop pashing and hugging me. It felt nice, but weird at the same time.My friend and I watched the game and had a great time, we got fairly drunk and all the while the ex was texting. The exchange ended at 3am after I had said many times I was not going to the pub to drink with him, I was not going to meet him anywhere, that I had work in the morning (4am wake up) and that if I were to meet with him I am quite sure he would (as I would) regret it in the morning.We exchanged brief texts the next day where I basically acknowledged that it was clear that he had come to his senses and that he actually didn't want to see me and that it was nice to see him, but farewell and good luck with life.He then started texting that evening again when I had actually planned to be at the footy again but due to lack of sleep, a hideous hangover - tempered by getting drunk at work (last day before 2 weeks holidays) and a long afternoon nap, I resigned myself to the couch for a night of watching Collingwood in their first game of the season.The ex seemed to want to "integrate" me back with his friends, asking them to message me etc - we exchanged pleasantries but to be honest I was quite happy to simply watch the footy and leave things the way they were. I had worked hard to eliminate him and all that is associated with him from my life and from my mind and was really very happy to leave it at that.So Sunday evening arrived and I was in bed, watching a movie or sleeping....I can't recall.....the ex starts messaging me again asking me to come over, at first I resisted but then thought I would go and have a platonic evening of fun and this was where my bad judgement begun, I wish I had just turned off my phone and rolled over in bed.I arrived to find that he had one of his close friends there, we all settled in for an evening of music, dancing, drinks and fun. It was only a short time after my arrival that he started pashing me and there were loads of cuddled - something I miss very much and was very much enjoying. Whilst outside looking at the stars he told me he loves me very much and that whilst I drive him crazy he wants me in his life. After his friend left in the early hours of the morning there was just the two of us and the discussion began. He told me he loves me and that we need to build on trust again, this is what we are lacking, the talking went of for quite some time, there was no sex, just talking and me really wanting to leave and him holding me on the bed, not letting me go and telling me that we have to stop worrying about what has happened before and we just need to focus on the fact that we love each other and lets see where that takes us.Yes, I told him I love him, I have not said it often to anyone and I did not feel comfortable saying it but I did. I felt like I was giving a huge amount of myself in saying it and felt completely exposed and vulnerable for doing so.Of course I love him. He was my friend, I have years of memories of that time and had what I thought was a good relationship, I am not sure I am "in love" with him anymore, but I certainly felt at that time that I could be if I were to have more of those fun moments, I do love being in his company and love spending time with him so I guess that's a great start, I was just being cautiously optimistic I guess.Well, long story short, after he said he wanted to spend time with me during that week (before he left for OS on a holiday) he rejected me twice and I closed the door. A door that will not be open again. It became clear that actually, in the light of day, once again, he had no intentions of following through on anything he said - I sit and wonder, was this a bad joke?? Does he find it funny that I hurt after he does this?? Or is it just something I don't understand....I can't imagine saying something to someone that I don't mean, or to lie intentionally or to try to hurt someone in order to boost my own ego of self esteem.....but my self esteem took a beating after this, that's for sure.Too many times now I feel like I have been down this road with him and its a road to nowhere but hurt. Whilst he has been away I have made some very clear decisions, not all of them perhaps bad.I due on my holidays to have my tubes tied. I was quite determined that this should happen. I waited until 10.10am on the day of my appointment which was at 11.15am and then I cancelled it. I actually don't know why. I just felt like I enjoyed being told that someone loved me and felt that perhaps I might leave the door open slightly to the chance that someone else might love me one day (even though I realise this is most unlikely) and that perhaps we might have a family (and even if not that I wouldn't need to explain my decision to a potential partner) - I have since changed my mind however and wish I had gone through with it so will need to make a time for the next holidays!I also decided to sign back up for RSVP. A big step for me as I had not entertained the concept of being in a "relationship" with anyone again. This seems to be going ok and although it has not been hugely successful so far I have met at least one person were I can see there is potential.A friend of mine has convinced me that what I need now is not RSVP but one of those sites where you basically just hook up for sex! I am not so sure that this is really what I want to be doing with my time but she tells me that I will never completely close the door on the emotional hurt unless I just get "loads of physical satisfaction" from many different people - so I have agreed to give it a go at least.I am so unclear about why the ex did what he did....why he seems to enjoy and flourish so much from hurting other people.....I would like so much to hate him for it, but I don't, I can't, even after everything I still respect him too much to hate him. All I can do is try to rebuild my self esteem and to try once again to believe that all of this will eventually lead me to one day having a happy life.

Two years on....

This weekend marks the two year anniversary of some of the biggest changes of my life - the weekend I sold my beloved home in Abbotsford. Despite the somber occasion and feelings of sadness this was due to bring I decided to get out and spend as much of the weekend as possible with good friends, especially those who have stuck by me like glue in my darkest and most painful times when I simply could not see my way forward. I have had the time of my life - something I never would have thought possible on this weekend even some months ago. When I take myself back to the place I was at the time I sold my house I can not even recognise the person I see in those memories. I was completely and utterly in love and dedicated to being a good partner to the ex, we were (I thought) happy, we were planning a future together, we were planning a family and I thought it was never going to be possible to be that happy again - in a life that has been so far from happy I really believed that this was it, it was my time to shine and I felt like I just spent the whole time smiling. Sadly, none of this was to be. The past two years have been so painful, so hurtful and smiling is something I had completely forgotten to do. I was angry with myself for believing and trusting him and for loving him and angry that I didn't know that none of this was what he wanted. I was angry at him for making me think it was and for all the suffering and lying and pain - but all of that is now completely gone. I am actually now able to reflect back, and, whilst I think the relationship, selling of the house and trusting, all those things were a terrible mistake - I am no longer unhappy with where I am in life, not that I feel great about my career or my financial or relationship position - but I am able to look back now and see that facing all those hideous challenges has made me the person I am and for the first time in my life I am not unhappy about who that person is. Facing my fear of being insecure about having somewhere to life and owning my own home (something I will never be able to do again) has enabled me to finally travel a bit, something I was always too scared to do because I wanted to put everything I had in securing a home for myself. But travel was life changing and more fun than I could ever have hoped for and I can't wait and will be soon doing more. I have developed and appreciation and am grateful for what I do have now, both materially and emotionally. I am a happier person now that I have less material "wealth", I don't crave it anymore, I don't seek it at all and I no longer use it to define achievements, success or me in anyway as a person. I enjoy the relationships and friendships I have with my friends and my family (in particular my father) more now than I ever have before, and find walking in the park with my dad watching our dogs play with other dogs and the strange way they make friends and the chats we have as enjoyable as I once found a wild night on the tear - although I still enjoy these as well!! Feeling good about myself doesn't have to come now from buying a new pair of shoes, or a dress - it comes from helping an old man use the hideously stupid "self-service checkouts" in the supermarket, or talking to an old lady on the street for 5 minutes about what a great companion her dog is to her. Its these things that have truly changed my life, I have slowed down my pace and started to smile because its been a great day - not because I got in early at a great sale! Having my first experience of being in love (even though it was much later in life than I expected, and extremely unlikely to every happen for me again) was actually something I am glad I have experienced, even though it resulted in my heart being shattered in a way I will never find words to describe, because it has made me a better person, a better and more understanding friend, especially when friends of mine now talk to me about their own relationships and troubles they may be having. I know I am able to shed more light than before on relationships, on love, on compromise and even on the basic principles of respect for others. I know I now judge other peoples relationships far less, and when I am making judgements they are now really far better described as "fair assessments" - and I am glad about that. As for the ex - I can only say that I will always care about him and care what happens to him, he was a very good and fun friend to have for many years before we became a couple and I wish him well - even if he doesn't feel that was about me. My own behaviour during the slow and stupid breakdown of my relationship is something I will forever regret. There were reasons, very understandable ones, for my poor behaviour, but I know I was always honest, I tried to behave from a platform of dignity, forgiveness and understanding, and whilst I would do EVERYTHING completely differently if it were to be done all over again (god forbid!) I have developed a better understanding of myself and would never reduce myself in the way that I did during that time. Regret about my situation and my relationship is something I feared most, I now do not regret what has taken place, I do not regret that I did not try to provide more than enough opportunities for things to be fixed, for bridges to be mended and for forgiveness to take place. I sleep well knowing I did everything I could to make it work. I don't regret the person I turned out to be because of what were some bad choices and mistakes - I think that is all I can hope to achieve.

To be happy

As the end of the year draws close it is always a time to reflect back upon what has taken place throughout the past year, reflecting on those thoughts, hopes, dreams, expectations and goals set at the same time a year ago. I am inclined to think that this happens to me at this time of the year even more so than others because my birthday falls so close to Christmas and the new year so I tend to feel this as if it is a milestone in terms of my age as well as the calendar year. Given that I have always been someone who hates, loathes and detests my birthday on a number of levels and for reasons which have changed over the years, but have now become more about my resentment of the aging process - it is always a reflective and somewhat emotional time when I feel I am looking back at the losses and most importantly the goals I have not achieved. Once again Christmas this year represents time of immense sadness for me. I feel empty, lost, lonely and feeling like I am always looking at strangers and wishing I was them......far more than I normally do....the reasons for this become well defined during the festive season; what I could have had and have failed to make possible in my life.....what others have that I wish I had....not in a material way but certainly in an emotional way, the lack of love in my life, not just from a romantic partner but also from family and the lack of them in my life, including to a large extent children, not having them, knowing I will never have them and just not being in the company of anyone in my family who has them - the innocence and happiness of children at Christmas can make it a very special time and the lack of this at this time of year becomes more pronounced, at least this is the way it feels for me.I spend time thinking about the years where my Nan and Ted were alive and we had a Christmas celebration at their house, despite the family arguments and the stress and feeling as though I could snap at any time and kill or seriously maim certain members of my family from time to time, I reflect back and know how lucky I was to have those experiences. I also reflect on the sadness of my sister not being there to enjoy these family events, she would always only spend half a day with us and after she left my dad and I would often cry. For both of us it was as if there was all of a sudden a hole that couldn't be filled, even if we tried our best to fill it with large amounts of booze and trying to be glad that we had her for at least a few hours. We always got each other through those days by promising each other that we would make next year really great and that it would be far better than the year before, we were optimistic, or at least trying to be. Now we don't see her at all for Christmas and despite the fact that her absence has been apparent for 20 years on that day now, the pain of her not being there seems as fresh as it was on the first Christmas she had to leave when her mother rung the door bell.I had hoped that by this stage in my life I would have something else to fill the gap, perhaps a partner, some children of my own, or at least working towards this,or something that resembled a life that I was happy with, but not having anything close to this and knowing that its just "me and dad" from here on out makes me wish they would stop celebrating Christmas because each year that passes it becomes more painful, especially knowing that at one stage it will be just me. Not having my own home anymore after working so hard to get it also raises some sad issues for me at this time. My home was my castle, so important to me because we don't have a "family home" since my grandparents died. A place that was safe, always there, always familiar, the smells the windows broken by wayward cricket balls during serious backyard cricket matches in years gone by. When the ex and I had Christmas at our house a few years back, at the end of the day he said 'this was the best Christmas ever, I want to have it at our house every year' - nobody could ever have moved me out of my home or made me sell it but when he said that, my mind was made up, I had to sell it - I wanted that happy moment to last more than anything else, I wanted our house to be the new family base, the home people wanted to be at, the place I wanted to have my family in, to hold Christmases and birthdays and to fill with happiness, as I remember my grandparents home being. My dad being sad at Christmas is something that fills me with guilt and shame. I wish I could have delivered him a better and happier situation, especially around this time of year. He has never been someone who pressured or asked about grandchildren, he doesn't even do that now, but now that all of his friends are spending Christmas with their grown up children, in their homes with their grandchildren, and having him tell me what others are doing, with a look of sadness about him, I feel disappointed with myself that I have let him down, not just because of the lack of children but because he feels responsible for my unhappiness, my broken relationships and my inability to ever have any of this. I wish, after all the effort he put in to raising me on his own that I was able to reward him with some happy twilight years.People often ask or seem dismissive when I refer to the fact that I will not have another relationship or children, they say 'you are still young enough' bla bla bla - perhaps so, but at this age when you are single the decision to get into a relationship and have those things really needs to be an aggressive one, making a decision to find someone, to actively seek them out is not a matter of sitting back and waiting for them to knock on the door. When you have made a decision NOT to not have another romantic relationship in your life, and NOT to enter into a relationship it becomes even harder. But not accepting it, as discussed in previous entries is simply a path to misery as well, neither option is easy.My decision to turn my back on these things as I have discussed in previous entries is a complex one. But above all else by ability to trust another human being has been completely eradicated. I think once trust is broken to the extent that it was in my case it is not possible to rebuild it, either with that person or with anyone else. Betrayal of trust and hurt that is deliberately manufactured with the intent to break you by a person who claimed to and was meant love you - which was the case in my situation - is soul shattering and destroying on so many levels and not something that can be forgotten.Other than that, the concept of the options available for someone of my age, being such things as speed dating (which I have done before some years ago and found it to be more nauseating than cutting up smelly animal organs in science class in year 8 at high school) or the online options, the most common of which being RSVP (once again, have made a mild attempt over the years, but have found shopping for groceries online to be more engaging and exciting, not to mention the fact the Coles online has far more items that seem to be more interesting and less "used" items than these sites) in short are horrible and despite other peoples stories about how happy they have become since finding the "love of their life" or their friend or their friend of a friend has become so happy since meeting with their partner/husband/wife and they have a wonderful relationship and great children and a great life through finding someone using this method, the simple fact is that it is just not for me. I may be old fashioned, in fact I know I am, but to me the organic method of meeting someone in a "normal" social setting is the way it is meant to be, and for someone of my age, accepting that this is not going to happen and that I have squandered my opportunities, especially those I had with brilliant and loving men such as my ex-husband, and the fact that I have allowed myself to be financially ruied by the men (the last one particular) and as such have very little if anything to offer anyone who might be sane, sober and seeking - well, it would be fair to say that I would be very far down the list of options.....This year past, like so many before, I have had too much meaningless sex with far too many men, I think the main difference this year that I noticed in particular is that they are older, they may have more experience but they also have more "baggage", they are more complicated, they want a relationship and they want "all that stuff" but they, like me, have been hurt too badly too many times and they have "issues" they never sorted out from their childhood, or something else they have experienced that has made them incapable or communicating, incapable of relating and certainly incapable of having anything the resembles a relationship, certainly the type of relationship I would be interested in having if I was to ever consider it again. These encounters are often sexually satisfying but unlike they were in my 20's they now produce an aftermath of self loathing, a reminder of loneliness and do little more than make me feel worthless.At the beginning of this year (or now last year, 2011) I also lost my friend, my rock, my reliable and true mate. When he left us I thought I might just die as well, although this may sound slightly over-dramatic, I can honestly say that I have no idea what I would have done and how I would have possibly survived the year before. However, despite the sadness, the loss, the despair and the wondering each and every single day why I bothered getting out of bed, because I can quite honestly say that there was not one day of 2011 that I even slightly enjoyed. There was not one day that I smiled and meant it, or laughed and felt like it was not completely forced, despite all of this, I got through the year. David may have destroyed my life on every conceivable level, he was in my life, my love and I wanted nothing more than to dedicate myself to making him happy every single minute of my eistance - and in 2011 I wanted him back even though during times of clarity (when I realised that he doesn't deserve so much as a "hello" from me, let alone my dedication, honesty and undying love) I said, and felt that I didn't want him back, next year (2012) will be different, because I need to make sure things are different.I spoke to my dad on New Years Eve. We discussed our hopes and dreams for the new year, and I reminded him of our pledge to always 'make next year better than the last, that next year we WOULD be happy', I told him that this had been my new years resolution for every year since back in those days. I told him that this year my feelings were different. This year, I told him, I no longer hope for a better year, I no longer dream of happiness or happy endings. This year I just feel like getting by will be enough. I told him that I have given up on believing that happiness is attainable. I told him that being happy or event content is a dream I need to let go of and just work with acceptance of my circumstances and my life the way it is. My dad cried. I was not wanting him to hurt, but I explained to him that we need to stop telling ourselves that "this will be our year" and that things will get better, because the disappointment at the end of the year and the sadness this creates for both of us is too heartbreaking, we have been telling each other this for too many years for us to keep believing that it is going to happen. I hate that I hurt him, I hate that he knows I was speaking the truth and making him face this, our reality, but I told him I love him more than anything and that the result of my life is not his fault, even though he thinks it is, he was the best father, the best parent and the very best friend he could have ever been. However, for some people, I think, life was just not meant work out the way it should have or the way they had hoped.This New Years Eve I did not go out. I contemplated life and all the universe has thrown at me and I felt like I wanted to dive into a huge clear lake, with the sun shinning onto every ripple and revealing everything about the water, which contains nothing, which to me represents what this world, in this lifetime has to offer me, nothing - its a pool of complete and total nothingness that holds me in its embrace of nothingness so I feel nothing at that one moment when I dive in and then when I reach the surface, taking a breath and realise that this is all there is, I remember the loneliness, the hurt, the loss, and the feeling of going to bed alone, waking up alone, and being completely alone.To be happy.....what would I need.....I don't know......perhaps I will never know.....but it sure as hell isn't anything I have had before and it is sure as hell unlikely to be discovered this year.

And then there was.....nothing

So after the big revelation, the moment of truth...what happens next....well I guess the other big question is.....why did he tell me?? To that I have no answer and never expect to get one, but to the first question, of what happens next? Well nothing really, things just go on as they have done before, we have sex, I enjoy it, I assume he does as well and then....well then there is nothing. Except it has done a truly amazing thing for me, it has freed me from my wondering and my questioning and has given me closure to a situation that I knew in my heart was taking place and which hurt me in a manner so painful I can never describe, but it brings sense to the otherwise senseless situation.
I don't talk about it to people much, but when I do the question of "what happens next, will you get back together?" comes up. To this I say "no", and although I had some feeling for a time that perhaps this was the reason he told me, to clear the decks and see what happens next, it was cancelled out when he asked me how I will be when he finds a girlfriend, to which I asked if there was any possibility that I might be in the running for this particular position, his answer was an emphatic "no" followed by a long list of reasons why not which centered around my family being incredibly dysfunction and various other issues, none of which I could fathom - I felt stupid for asking, wished that I hadn't and whilst I felt hurt, I knew that this is actually the truth, what I have come from does not make for a good future with any partner and certainly does not provide for a stable family environment with the prospect of children.
This was hard to swallow, I was hurt and felt like things were really all a bit pointless. It took some time for me to digest this, and at first I wanted nothing more to do with him, I wanted the reminder out of my life but then I realised that it was not him that was the problem, it was me, my family, what I have come from that is what I have been trying to run away from for so many years and the need to face this and stop trying to make my life into something it can never be suddenly became clear.
I realised that whilst because of my circumstances and my situation I can not have the life I wanted so badly, a partner, a family, all of which I saw as my reason to invest myself emotionally and mentally, I need to remove these as options from my life, they are not options for me, not at all, but that doesn't mean that there are not other things I can do with the time I have here.
I think the first step in my discovering my "new self" was the fact that I decided to get fit. I have always been fit, even most of my life I have been over-weight, I was only once ever at a weight I felt I looked ok at and that was when I was 19 and 20, I was a little over 50kgs then and felt good, and although I don't expect at nearly 34 to get back there again, below 60 would be good and the "ex" proposed a challenge once again to me to aim for 55kgs, he even offered to pay for the gym for me for 6 months, why I have no idea, and although I can't afford to join the gym I have declined the offer, I don't feel right about taking his money and despite the fact that 55kgs is my target, I don't want him to provide the membership with the knowledge that within that time he will find someone else and I will be "kicked to the curb" yet again and at that time I know I am likely to resent going, so much so that I fear that I will not continue to go at all.
So I set myself a 2 week plan for the school holidays, I would go every day for as close to 3 hours a day as I could muster - so far I have been successful and I have lost 2 kgs, much less than I had hoped for but it is the other effects of the new regime that I have reason to celebrate.
I am feeling better about things than I have done in ages, it has been more than a year since I have committed to exercises again, something that was ALWAYS part of my daily routine and for the past year or more I have not only missed it physically, but I have missed it psychologically. I am also happy to say that this is the first time in my life that I have actually wanted to be fit, to feel better and to enjoy the positive effects of being fit for myself and not for the pursuit of a relationship or to make myself more attractive to anyone else or to feel like I was doing it for the purpose of finding "that someone special". I already found that person, I know who he is, and he remains special to me, but I to him - well, there is no chance of that and there never will be, but I am remaining committed regardless.
I always knew that the secret to keeping the big "depression" at bay was to stay active, but the problem is that when you stop for a time it is really hard to see the point in starting again, and even harder to actually START again, and the longer this goes on for, the longer that inactivity becomes routine, the harder it is to get going again. This was a HUGE psychological barrier and I am proud that I have seemingly overcome it.
I am now becoming very accepting of my situation, my losses and my sadness. I am in a process of re-framing my life from where I hoped it would go, with a family, people to come home to and people to cook for and love - to accepting a life on my own and I am seeing a huge number of possibilities and positive in that fact alone.
What my situation, I realise now, provides me is not only a great deal of disappointment but a huge amount of possibilities and a number of which I am enjoying the process of contemplating.
My strong urge since visiting Bali and working the the street dogs there has been to return on a full-time basis, that dream is alive and well and whilst I am not sure quite when it will be that I make that move I have no doubt that I will make it, and soon if I can.
The business I am involved in, whilst it has its issues, one of which for me is largely the poor financial predicament it puts me in, is extremely enjoyable, for the first time in many many years I actually really love my job and my work, despite the lack of financial reward, and it is going extremely well so I hope that one day it will be more financially rewarding that it currently is, and whilst I hate being unable to do things because of a lack of financial security, I have accepted that I will never own my own home again, I will never be able to buy the things I always wanted and fill my dream home with, I am trying to believe that if you do what makes you happy then one day the financial rewards will follow.
I have also been made an offer to be finaically supported to start a business that I really have wanted to start for a very long time. At first I disregarded this offer and did not even think about it but lately I have been in contemplation again and have started to think that it may well be a good idea to engage in further conversation, at least - I am sure that couldn't hurt!
These things were holding me back, I kept thinking that firstly, I would fail to make a success of any of these things, because I didn't believe in myself, but then I also thought about how I would manage to do these things I had been thinking about for so long if the opportunity of a relationship and a family were to be presented again, but now, in my complete acceptance of the way my life has turned out, I realise that these opportunities should be seized, because it is not my destiny to be a mother, a partner, an owner of a home, it is my destiny to something completely different with my life, something I never even thought of as a possibility, as to what I will do yet I am really not sure, but I see opportunity where before I saw none.
With all this positiveness I guess the next big question is why I don't see another relationship on my horizon - the simple answer is that I know that I do not have the skills to be in a relationship! Time and many relationships before me have proven that! But the long answer is that I can never see myself being in love again.
I use to think that to have a successful long-term relationship you needed to be able to have similar goals and similar morals and believe systems and most of all you needed to be able to come home every day after work and not hate the person who you were coming home to, to see them as a friend and to be able to tolerate their habits, their weaknesses and even their family!
Then I had a relationship that made me think quite differently. I was in love with someone who made it possible to sleep soundly next to at night. Who made waking at night no longer an annoyance but a complete joy, simply because they were beside me, I would kiss him just for being there. Who made waking up in the morning, no matter how early (even on the weekends) a complete and utter excitement!
I found a person who would make me weak at the knees when he would kiss me, every single time, who made me sad when he walked out the door even when it was to buy the paper, a person who made me excited to come home, and who made me hold my breath with anticipation and excitement when he returned from work of an evening.
So the long answer is that I can not for the life of me expect to find such a person again, and actually I don't want to. I know he will find someone else who will be more suited to what he was after, who will come from a better family, who will be a better mother and a better partner, and who I am sure will make him happy - but for me, I am content to keep my memories and my dreams to myself.
He recently allowed me to spend some time with his daughter when she was in Melbourne. I was thrilled and enjoyed every single moment with her, chatting, being with her and doing things I thought she would like. I found it hard not to hug her more than I did. Not only is she absolutely beautiful she is also a wonderful person and has SO much to say, SO many interesting feelings and insights that she shares and such a truly stunning heart, it is so hard to stop from just hugging her.
I guess my feelings towards her are not unlike my feelings towards my other friends kids, I just see their innocence and their fragility and everything that is sweet and kind about them before life has a chance to cast its damage and I just want to hug them and love them and protect them from everything bad that could happen to them, but she is particularly special to me, and although she is at an age where being smothered by hugs and kissed is not all that cool, its all I want to do!
When I said good-bye to her I said 'I will see you next time', and although I hope I do, I also realise that the likely hood is that I wont. By the time she visits again it will be someone elses turn, and all I do is hope that they love her and hug her and enjoy her as much as I have done.
I drove away wondering if I will ever see her again......