The difference between being straight, a gay man or a lesbian….
Discussions over the Sunday afternoon roast:
So yesterday I was having lunch with a bunch of gay friends I know through The Hot Man. We quite often have a home cooked meal on a Sunday, it’s a great way to end the unhealthy weekend of too much booze, too little sleep and not enough vegetables. It must be said though that these events normally kick off with a couple of joints and end with too many bottles of champagne and too many cigarettes, especially given that Sunday is actually a school night.

So yesterdays event started early, which is a great thing, although it did force The Hot Man to have justification for waking me up at 6.30am whilst drinking coffee in bed and generally being noisy and hyperactive – something I am not inclined to be EVER at 6.30am, much less on a SUNDAY MORNING…..but he was right, there was plenty to be done, so reluctantly I got out of bed, had a shower and was at Coles at 9am, to my surprise they are actually open at this time and actually its quite a hive of activity, it would seem that not everyone holds the same Sunday morning rest as near and dear to them as me.

Despite the elusive dream of a short nana nap, it never arrived, there was simply too much to be done before a 1pm lunch. There were house renovations to be done, shopping to be bought, dogs to be walked and fed and of course an impressive desert to be baked. I am truly becoming a one woman domestic goddess.

Lunch kicked off with a few wines while a group of 7 assembled for the delicious meal. This is a fairly out there group, they are most certainly people I feel completely comfortable with as I have always felt very much like a square peg in a round hole in the company of most people anyway and generally when I say things like ‘oh my god I have started to have multiple orgasms, and they are fantastic, I had a total of 6 in one session last night’ over a meal I get some strange looks and many requests to leave my sex life in the bedroom and move onto other more civilised topics of conversation.

Most certainly not with this group; a statement of this kind would be nothing if not mild compared to some of the stories and adventures this lot have to share over digestion, and discussing incidents such as getting stuck in the kneeling position post-blowjob in a public place one evening are really just standard fair; but it did make me think……

These stories of public hook-ups and encounters purely of a sexual nature where there has been no discussion between the parties, the mere fact that you have shown up at a location and look at someone in a certain way is as effective a form of communication as if you where carrying your own sign saying “I am here for sex and will give or receive oral or anal sex” made me realise that other than “The Dirty Swan Hotel” in Richmond there really is no equivalent for straight people or gay women who desire a quick physical release without the bullshit that normally follows – hence the reason I went for so long without sex last year, the thought of having to kick another beer soaked man out of my bed before dawn who delivered nothing but bad conversation and some very ordinary sex was simply more than I could bear, I became much more satisfied with a night out with friends, decent stock of batteries, a guaranteed orgasm and no necessity to change the sheets in the morning.

But after all of that it is really very very clear that the really significant cultural differences that exist between the gay and lesbian and straight communities is the way we hook up, have sex and form relationships (or not in many cases).

From what I can work out, gay men have all these options depending on what they want, parks and other known locations for random anonymous and presumably not very fussy participants who just need a quick fix and who require no level of verbal interaction. Then there are bars and clubs where the sexual activity is on a scale from rapidly out there to much more social and “civilised”.

Lesbians (and I am happy to be corrected) seem to have more networking and social activities which provide the opportunity for woman interested in woman to be provided with a supportive and friendly environment in which to meet new people, sure, there are bars and clubs, but the sexual behaviour is far less ….well literally “in your face” and the focus is morning on socialising and meeting new people rather that instant sexual gratification. Its does seem to be an unusual phenomenon though that when a couple of chicks sleep together, well they seem to just stay together and start a relationship without the kind of rubbish that we straight people endure.

That’s certainly not to say however that we are hard done by, those of us seeking sex with the opposite sex, it’s just that I think we have many more options, and with options there come a plethora of confusing and confronting situations which quite frankly give me the shits.

If you do want fast uncomplicated sexual gratification, well there is always The Dirty Swan, but I have to say the last time I went in there I had a very very strong urge to start checking ID’s and asking what time these children needed to be home, and if they had a safe mode of transportation to take them there. I am not sure when I got old, but I can tell you that I did, but old people need sex too!

So then you have the old faithful – Transport. But seriously, the place is spilling over with bogans, bogan music, cheep aftershave and chicks who are risking their health wearing as little as they do and shoes that even I think are not only questionable for ones health but actually quite dangerous. Plus it’s loud and frankly who can be bothered paying for a glass of wine, what the whole case probably cost them to buy and basically getting a “fuck you, you are interrupting my evening” attitude from the bar staff. Not me.

So the other alternatives are basically bars which are all very much the same generally loud music, and one night stands or “hook-ups” from my experience normally occur when there has been some sort of introduction by a third party, I have certainly never been approached by anyone in one of these venues in a capacity where I believed that they were interested in anything, be it quick shag or the opportunity to see me again, except for that drunk bloke who grabbed my fanny at Trunk that time a few months back – he doesn’t count because if that’s the best he can do to try to sweep a girl off her feet then the single woman of Melbourne are completely fucked, should buy as many vibrators as possible and just stay the fuck at home.

I realise that I am no oil painting, but I am not hideous either so I would have to say that my experience would probably be fairly representative. Men just really don’t approach you, it just isn’t like it is in the movies, a smile over the bar and some sex or a phone number exchanged at the end of the night – if I am wrong them why are RSVP and all the other dating alternative absolutely booming with business???

Then there are pubs, my personal favourite. Far less pretentious than bars, better music, you get to watch the football and at the end of the night if you are feeling horny you really only need to go and say g’day to some bloke with his beer goggles on and ask him how he would feel about coming back to your place, if you add that its walking distance I find they dump their mates even earlier – that’s a tip for the ladies out there. But this practice has been successful enough to get me laid, but has done little for my desire for sexual gratification, and frankly provides a disruption to my sleep in plan, gets the dogs pissed off with me and forces me to think about how the fuck I am going to get rid of this bloke without having that weird and uncomfortable conversation about breakfast and exchanging phone numbers.

I can simply not tell you how many times I have tried to explain to someone that ‘no, I do not want to eat a meal with you, I got drunk with my friends whilst watching the football, I don’t even want to speak to you, but I was horny and you are hot, you have a hot body and now that you have successfully reminded me why I hate taking strangers home please fuck off and die’……….which normally goes more along the lines of ‘do you see the dark out that window? Good, you need to be gone before its light – clear?’ generally this is enough for them not to bother with requests for future activities.

So you can see my point…..despite being a minority who have a shocking and shameful history of enduring persecution, violence and discrimination, when it comes to sex, gay men have it all! The community have clearly defined rules and venues for the desired activity, I mean they would have more trouble picking from the various condom types than deciding where they want to go for an evening, the process is that simple. What would you like ‘sex please’ and how much effort would you like to have to put in on a scale of 0 – 10 and the venue is chosen with sex guaranteed.

Anyway, my roast was great, the banana cake was amazing as usual and I had a very nice afternoon with the queens and The Hot Man. I did however wake up this morning with a bit of a hangover and my undies on back to front – not completely sure what the go was there, but am hoping I have started having sleep sex – I reckon that could make for some interesting blogging!