Manners required – Incidents
At one time I needed to catch the train to travel to work, those days are behind me now and I will never allow myself to return to that hideous style of transportation - I have a bike now and love riding, well I don’t love it at such, but compared to the other alternatives, well it rocks. I now arrive at my destination not covered in someone else’s germs, their spit, cough extract, hair or stench and I am generally far more tolerable on arrival than I once was.

I have had many incidents on the train but a couple that spring to mind:

Picture this, hot day, fucking hot, get on train which was late (yes, I know you will find that hard to believe) its Parliament Station about 5.20pm and a million people try to get on the train due to it being late and it being an express.

I get on the train and my face is literally pressed against the scummy glass and I can taste the lack of hygiene and am trying to forget all I know about bacteria breeding.

During the short ride to Richmond Station, the first stop and not the stop I plan to get off at I try to work at peeling myself off the glass and the door and by the time the train stopped and the doors opened I had moved to one side of the path of exit and was working at trying to remain on the train whilst these hot sweaty rude animals pushed and poked each other in an attempt to save 3 seconds of their day and move that bit faster!

I was trying to stay on the train because if one gets off the train it is likely to take off before you have time to board again and that would not impress me.

So it was at about this time that one of these animals, who happened to be disguised as a tall middle-aged man with a very limited amount of hair remaining on his head and way too much growing from his nose and ears pipped up and said ‘do you mind moving, people are trying to get off the train’…..this was a mistake.

I turned and looked up at this creature who was trying to intimidate me with his height and some misapprehension that he was under that he had “power”, at this stage my eyes had become daggers and I was snarling and I responded with ‘listen fucker, its hot, we are all hot, its been a long day for everyone, we are all doing the best we can on this cattle train so I suggest you settle the fuck down leave me to do the same’.

It seemed to work, he looked shocked that something so small had the power to be so evil – but he left me alone.

Another incident on the train was one Friday evening (of which there were MANY) when I had been having a few wines with the girls at the London in Richmond. I jumped on the train after watching my beloved Pies cop another thrashing and it was packed, full of families who had just left the footy at the MCG – this I like, this is good that people don’t drive to the MCG, the whole concept defies any kind of logic, I don’t want to get sidetracked but do people actually know that the train literally drops you at the MCG, like RIGHT THERE, punt road is a cunt at the best of times let alone when the football is on and it doesn’t matter how early you get there to get a good spot closer to the door, everyone will be leaving at the same fucking time! The closer you are to the ground the LONGER IT TAKES TO GET OUT!

So I was on the train, not pissed, but you know, its Friday, few wines, few cigs few laughs with the girls, things are moving along ok in my world at this time, I am quite pleased with things in general.

That is until this fuckstick who decided that he was going to travel home that evening in the middle of the carriages, yes, this was considerate of him actually because he was chain smoking and I was pleased not to have that going on inside the train. I was however conflicted, on the one hand I really do want him to fall and be crushed to death by the train, this would eliminate one more dickshit from the world, but I just kept thinking about how this was going to cause disruption, they won’t just keep driving the train I’m sure they will stop and want to call the police and the ambos and this is likely to delay my trip home…..you can understand my dilemma.

So all is going along fine until at regular intervals this idiot started opening the door and screaming the lyrics of one of these ridiculous songs he was listening to on his oversized headphones. The lyrics where filthy, involving many many words that are not suitable for the sensitive ears of children and the sort of shit families just shouldn’t have to put up with.

I was not very impressed with him and showed my distain for this behaviour by casting a few nasty looks over my spectacles at him whilst trying to read about Kylie and her breast cancer.

Finally this creature decided to joint the party inside the carriage and sat, wait for it….opposite me. I knew there would be trouble.

When the behaviour continued I got his attention and he removed his noise from his ears and I requested ‘do you mind pulling your head in, there are kids here and families who have tried to have a nice night out at the footy together, try and behave yourself mate?’ a simple request one would have thought……apparently not.

At this point this idiot decided to unleash a great deal of abuse on me about my judging him because of the way he looks and various other insults, trying to explain to this numbnut that I was judging him because of the way he was behaving and thought it was appalling was apparently getting me nowhere so as he screamed at me that I was a “spoiled stuck up rich bitch” at which point I tried to point out that may in fact be quite incorrect about that and was being quite hypocritical in fact as it was actually HE who was judging ME on the way I looked……we didn’t reach agreement.

It was quite clear that other than all the other things this bloke was he was also intellectually superior to this clown which made him angry and when idiots get angry they resort to violence. He started to threaten me and described some rather unsavoury things he planned to do to me. It was about this time that two gentleman who had been observing this few minutes of exchange got up and came over and stood over this loon and told him in no uncertain terms that this needs to stop and that he was to apologise to me and to the rest of the carriage for his poor form.

I should explain something here….when I say “gentlemen” this is perhaps describing more what their personalities were like, not their physical appearance. They both looked like they had seen a bit of action over the years, and possibly done some serious jail time. When the clown refused to make his apologies he was advised by the two “gentlemen” that his stop had in fact come and when he tried to dispute this they picked him up, opened the door, punched and kicked him a bit whilst he struggled and tore some of his clothing, but he was not much of a problem to them and the passengers on the train cheered as the train pulled away leaving this idiot almost in tears. I thanked the kindly gentlemen for their assistance.

So the lesson here is that these idiots will not be stopped until someone says something! Someone threw rubbish on the ground a couple of weeks ago as I was walking along the busy city street, when I told the man to pick it up, he was firstly surprised that a stranger would speak to him and secondly was shocked that someone had told him off – I reminded him that I was not joking and that I didn’t want to have to get nasty and he picked it up – simple.

I always tell people off for spitting in public, it’s a disgrace, what the fuck is wrong with you or makes you so special that you produce SO MUCH saliva that you need to spit all the time?? Do you have a medical condition which forces you to do this?? Then go and see a fucking doctor about it!

Men should open doors, idiots should stop trying to enter lifts, shops, doors of any kind unless people have first had the opportunity to exit! These are simple rules and really do separate us from being animals – even my dogs let me go through doors first, and yet I have dated people who don’t – what’s wrong with them! If my uncontrollable pooches can learn the rules then it should not be that hard for even these inbred people. Once again, people need to be told, if they do this, mention to them that it’s rude and they should wait, otherwise they will continue to do it and society continues to erode until we are all dragging our knuckles on the ground and killing our neighbours for food again.