The Divorce
I guess we should start with the marriage. It was far from perfect. In fact it should really never have happened.

The husband and I met at Uni. He was hot and had a cool car. He was also smart and came from the Northern Suburbs, I had never been there before but it all seemed very scary and quite exciting.

We got together after I left a note on his car advising him of a location where a night out was to be had with some mutual friends, and my number, he called, said he would love to come and the rest is history as they say.

We studied together for years, and I thought he was smart, which I still believe, he is very smart. He is also a lovely person and I was lucky to have him in my life, but I met him when things in my family and home life situation were really ordinary and we stayed together mainly due to circumstance and the fact that I think we truly loved each other, but just not in the way that you should when you are married to someone.

There were many ups and downs. We worked hard together and saved hard and got ahead financially early on and we were pleased with that. Our wedding was lovely, small, we had dinner at an Indian restaurant after a chapel service and it was a whole bunch of fun.

I am not entirely sure what happened after we got married but I can quite honestly say that we were never quite the same again and I also think that we never talked about what we both wanted from our lives and when we did we didn’t want the same thing at all. It was just crazy, it was like the only thing that we both wanted was just to stay together, almost because it was easier I guess and we did work well together, but the spark, if there ever was any, was gone.

I knew he was going to leave me when I went on a few days break in QLD with my sister who was up there for work. The whole time I was away I could feel in the pit of my stomach that when I got back he would have decided to end it.

I had found a text message on his phone (no, I was not checking, mine had gone flat and we were ringing my dad about some house stuff) and it was from a chick called “Cindy” and it said ‘Had a great night last night, can’t wait to see you again’…….

I trusted him implicitly. I always said that he was like a Labrador he was so faithful to me, but I guess Labs do have that reputation for sniffing out food when its on offer elsewhere…..which he seemed to have done.

His reaction was weird, and so was mine. I didn’t say anything and was not angry or anything, I was just numb. I asked him about it very calmly and he just kept crying. It was very odd. We never discussed it again but I knew when I was in QLD that he would make his decision and he did. He was not at the airport to pick me up when I got back and that was again most unusual.

He did finally arrive and claimed that the traffic was so horrific that he was delayed – it was a 6pm pick up on a Sunday night, the easiest airport pick up known to man. When we arrived home the house was turned upside down and in a complete state, again, I just said nothing. But the next night when he arrived home he made the earth shattering announcement and that was when the nightmare begun.

He said he was moving out and that was going to happen as soon as he found somewhere to live, he slept on the couch and I drank and smoked like a chimney outside. I wanted him gone, if he was going to leave anyway then I just wanted it to happen, it was like pealing off a bandaid slowly, it was horrible. Within days he said he was moving the following week and then he went off on a ski trip. At least he was gone.

But he was not gone completely; you see he needed to move his stuff out when he got back from the ski trip he had intended to go to his parents place, for the fathers birthday and then come home and continue to waltz in and out until it was convenient for him to move. I was not so happy with this and even more so when I had been drinking massive amounts of casked wine.

So after an argument via phone, which turned into a physical altercation outside his parents place he agreed to stay there and move the following day, out, completely – all his stuff would be gone. Thank god I though, and really couldn’t wait for the following day to come – literally.

I thought I should start doing things on my own again. I got myself all frocked up in my best track suite and I headed on down Victoria Street and thought I might see a movie. However, whilst passing a bottle shop I caught out of the corner of my eye a cask of wine on the shelf and it just looked so good. I went in, made my purchase and walked home with my wine and bogged in. It was a four litre and I did my best to make sure there was no left overs.

At some point, it is unclear when exactly, I decided that I would provide some assistance to my beloved husband, soon to be ex-husband by getting his stuff ready for the truck by throwing it all into the street.

I started with the laundry at the rear of the house and worked my way through. I threw out everything. I should point out at this point that the ex-husband liked to spend money on toys, and always had a new interest, so there was plenty of stuff to get rid of.

There were surfboards, wetsuits and all the surfing accessories, there was a scuba tank, all the scuba gear, boxing gear, wrestling gear, random gym stuff and all the personal possessions.

I threw out all the Hugo Boss shirts, suits and cufflinks. I pissed on the shirts.

I emptied every draw onto the street, I removed all household items he had purchased or that I knew he would want more than me. This included a leather arm chair and ottoman he had recently purchased with some money he was left by his grandmother. I am not entirely sure how I got that out of the house, it was huge and we struggled to get it in, but the power of the casked wine kept me powering on.

I then started smashing wedding photos and making quite a racket. It was possibly about 4am at this stage. Soon after a police car entered the street with its spot light on my house. The police pulled up outside my house and there was stuff EVERYWHERE in the street and the porch area.

I was blind drunk and trying to get the ottoman through the doorway. I asked them ‘yes, is there anything I can help you with?’ to which a very friendly policeman said ‘we have had a report of a break in at this address….’ I replied with ‘no break in, husband a cunt and sleeping with Cindy, so he is moving out….now if you don’t mind I have quite a lot of work to get through tonight so if there is nothing more I can help you with…..’ they smirked, told me to continue and I am sure went back to the police station and had a great laugh.

The ex-husband was not laughing a few hours later when he turned up, expecting to get changed and go to work, but I announced that it was moving day today and that I had provided some assistance. Thankfully for him, and most surprisingly nothing was actually taken, I really only finished just before he got there because I was working hard all night.

I even sorted papers, I came across his passport and I defecated in it and returned it to the plastic sleeve. It was not found for several months and was discovered when ex-husband and Cindy were preparing for an exotic overseas holiday – mission accomplished I would say!

So instead of going to work that day he had to hire a truck and move all of his things into his new abode and I, once again got drunk. Then I cried, and then I got more drunk. And that’s basically what I did for many of the following months.

Since this time………….
Ex-husband has managed to stay single for about 3 days I think. It never worked out with Cindy, she was a nut (how surprising…) and she left him, at which time he became a blithering mess and spent too much time talking to me about how broken hearted he was.

One conversation I had with him at this time was to try and explain that I might be a little bit upset about hearing the details of his new relationship, even if it was not all beer and skittles and his reply was ‘but she’s hot, she has a great body, not an ounce of fat on her and a really tight pussy’ and the thing that was most surprising about this was that he actually said this to me with the expectation that I would congratulate him on his successful find…..what I did respond with was ‘get the fuck out of my house and get those divorce papers organised….’.
But he was recently married again to someone I am assured is really quite lovely. He came to my house to see myself and Ardie who was our dog as he was moving overseas and we had some final matters to sort out and he wanted to see the dog off. It did come as a bit of a shock when he said he was going to be married in a few days, but I could see that he was extremely happy and that was pleasing to me, because he deserves it